Jealousy of other people?

[Articulate]

How many SP members here struggle with jealousy of other people? That is to say resentment when you see or experience people who seemingly have everything you want? This could be when you see groups of friends in public, or see couples interacting? Or see two people kiss when you never have? Or maybe more commonly speaking to someone and hearing about their apparently 'normal' social existence? I know from being a teacher that I found myself getting very jealous at alot of teenage male pupils because of what they had going on socially, and nothing upsets me more than seeing happy people interacting in public. I suppose that ultimately it's a flawed, and detrimental, way of thinking?

 

[hardy]

Human beings are jealous/envious. All i can suggest is Google jealousy and Buddhism....there might be some good articles on it.

 

[JackOfSpades]

I experience this too. And even when not directed at other people, I have this persistent urgency that I'm missing out, namely on beautiful women and hedonistic indulgence. I don't know the answer.

Also, if Buddhism is too hard of a sell, you may also try reading on DBT. It seems to borrow some of the meditative aspects of Buddhism without the inherent spirituality.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

Lately.... ppl getting married my age and saying things like "i'm sooo lucky i've found my soulmate etc" also ppl who are good with computers and technology

 

[Nanita]

Yeah I get jealous over things I don´t have, or things I used to have but don´t have anymore. I get jealous over people who have friends, people who like their everyday life, people who like the house they live in, people who are psysicslly healthy, etcetera.

 

[laure15]

I am jealous of people who:

-come from good stable families
-express themselves eloquently in speech
-are tactful without offending others
-have good friends
-have online jobs
-have travelled to Universal Studios, Gaza pyramids, Great Wall, Greek temples, and other places that I wanted to see

 

[crazycatlady27]

i am always jealous of people who can do simple things like take there kids to the park or go for a meal. i would just be happy to be able to walk down a street and pass people without thinking i cant breathe

 

[Articulate]

Happy families and couples are the real killers for me.

When I see a stable, loving family embracing one another I actually love atching it, but it really upsets me at the same time. It's weird. I love happy families but at the same time get so sad when I see it. Couples really get to me. When I see people in a casual moment of intimacy I want to burst into tears. I also very well remember a 12 year old boy at a school I worked who had NO redeeming features. He was: spoiled, stupid, clumsy, bratty, uneducated, lazy etc; however, he was blessed with a very handsome face. I heard a rumour that the best looking girl in year 11 was going out with him I didn't want to believe it. Then to my horror I saw him one day in the playground being passionately snogged by this beautiful 16 year old, and when I saw his ultra smug face walking back past me I could have killed myself. I just thought if I'd experienced that once I'd be happy.

 

[laure15]

^12 and 16? That's a big age gap. This 12 years old boy must be very mature for his age.

 

[truffleshuffle]

I get that way from time to time but I try not to focus alot on it because if I did I would never get out of my funk and would probably not function at all and spend my time either laying on my couch or in bed.

 

[Arthur_Dent]

I think it's ok to have some degree of ambition and draw some motivation to go and look for what you want when you see others getting it. But when instead it bothers you and makes you feel bad it's indeed flawed and detrimental as the OP says, and I admit I've been guilty of this behaviour.

The worst part is when you actually grow bad feelings towards the person you're jealous from and and wish for them to loose what makes you jealous of them. This is something you must try to avoid always and thankfully I haven't got to this point.

 

[LifeInternal88]

Yea, sometimes a bit envious. But with couples it's more a good emotion, like "aww cute!".

Try just be happy for them; and count your own blessings.

 

[Dreamscape]

I'm actually jealous about my roommate and her friends she's speaking to right now. They're so getting along well and joking all around. I can hear them all cant make sense because theyre speaking danish but still... and here i am sitting in my room watching the videos that I dont even care to... I wish I could be like them and could easily blend in.

 

[twiggle]

I do get jealous of others sometimes yes, but it's quite a self-destructive way of thinking.
I've also been the target of jealousy on a couple of occasions in my life, and that's not particularly fun either.
Jealousy is a terrible trait. A very common one, but poisonous all the same. Tbh I used to feel a lot more jealous about things but thankfully got out of the habit.
You just have to remember that in life nobody has it easy. Everybody has things about their life that they wish were better. I might be jealous of X's relationship, X might be jealous that I get on well with my parents.
Jealousy just puts a gulf between you and others, a gulf which doesn't deserve to be there, because you are no more or no less important than anybody you feel jealous of.

Kick the feeling if you can. Focus on working towards what will make you happy.

 

[luiface]

i get jealous of people going out on weekends with their group of friends. :crying:

 

[Newtype]

I made a post not long ago that could explain your jealousy.

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/the-importance-of-feeling-valued-42079/

 

[BlackPuma]

Oddly I never really feel jealous of other's social accomplishments.

It sometimes frustrates me that I can't seem to emulate or learn that social behaviour so that I could function like a seemingly average joe, but I'm very aware that that's my problem and not theirs.

I guess I've always felt so different that I just don't compare myself to anyone any more, eliminating the prompt of jealousy almost completely.

 

[Articulate]

I made a post not long ago that could explain your jealousy.

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/the-importance-of-feeling-valued-42079/

Feeling valued is of unbelievably profound importance to a person's thinking and their outlook. I think the absence of such a feeling for so many years now is probably what hurts me as much as wanting what others have. I think we all need a certain degree of basic love from family/friends/partners in order to be really functional people. At least that's what I feel. Whether it's a mother whose relentlessly over-worked and not shown an ounce of appreciation by her family, or a lonely guy in his 40s whose not respected at work, or someone like me whose not had any affection shown to them yet. It all comes down to whether you on some level feel valued.

Also to another poster: I think how jealous you are might be in part down to whether you blame others, or yourself, for your failings socially.

 

[user deleted]

During my teens, I was quite a jealous person. I'd see other people fulfilling aspirations I had for my own life, and I'd always think: 'They have it so easy.. it's not fair'. This is an atrocious thing to admit, but my jealousy was sometimes accompanied by a sort of willing things to go wrong for them, so that they'd feel how I felt.

As I've gotten older I feel like I have a greater understanding of humanity. I realise now, that things rarely come easy to anyone, and every single human being undergoes some form of suffering. We don't know what is going on in other people's lives. The pupil you described - how can you be sure what goes on for them at home? Public life can often be a very different story to what goes on inside. It's all assumption. It's easy to see ourselves as suffering, and everyone else as happy, but in essence that is a fatal lack of empathy.

It doesn't bring me comfort now to wish ill upon anyone, and my envy of other people, my wishing I was them.. or fantasising about what my life /should/ be like has diminished greatly.

Obviously not my own, original philosophy, but I do believe that expectation was/is the cause of much of my own suffering. I had a sense of entitlement: 'Why can't I have x, y, z.. like everyone else'. Essentially though, this is flawed thinking. My life is what I make of it.. ultimately, I'm responsible for my own happiness. I feel like setting myself expectations for my life can only lead to disappointment. Rather, it seems more realistic to go through life meeting my daily needs, living as much as possible in the moment, trusting as little as possible in the future (quam minimum credula postero) and not simply expecting happiness. I don't have any expectations, other than that life is going to be work, and at times, misery. When good things happen, I feel I'm much more grateful for them, as they aren't just actualisations of some bizarre life-long aspiration, and therefore they can't fall short in any way.

I don't feel like I'm expressing myself very clearly, and this is fast becoming pretty tangential so I'll end it here.

 

[gustavofring]

Yeah, mostly because of how the way some can carry themselves, or the way they somehow have self-esteem and confidence about themselves and have found their place in the world while I just keep struggling.