When you say your body's giving up on you, do you mean from the anxiety and stress or are you talking about suicide? When you're overwhelmed with anxiety, it often feels like you're going to die. It literally feels like your heart is going to give out any minute because you can't take it. I've been there. It's a horrible, scary feeling.
Or are you saying that you're going to be so overwhelmed with anxiety the only answer is to end it in order to find peace? I hope this isn't the case. I know tough situations can make it feel like a life-or-death scenario. I've never been at a point so low I've thought about ending it, but I have been at points so low wondering if people honestly cared or if no one would care if I just left in one way or another.
I had such overwhelming anxiety like this living at my parents. It was such a toxic environment, not to mention too many horrible strings attached from past experiences everyday I stayed there was a constant reminder of what had happened and what could consistently repeat itself. The name calling, the arguments -- especially at night that kept me up, the sexism, the constant clutter and hoarding piles in the house a reflection of my parents own disorganized life and personal issues. After finishing community college, I still lived with my parents. I never lived on my own before and my health was really horrible due to other physical issues I have. I took a gap year to focus on me. I got help for my health issues which in turn made enough impact on my mental health it became easier to leave the house for hours at a time (luckily my parents did agree to pay for it and my mom took me for a majority of the trips), I figured out *exactly* what I wanted to do, I looked for jobs -- but my SA got the best of me and I didn't look very hard and only picked up things on the side for cash, mostly cleaning for people, and then I applied to college in a city 3 hours away from home that I've never been to.
I left later that year. I got lucky along the way though. I met my now husband and he moved with me to that city that he never been before either. It was impulsive, but it was worth it. It wasn't easy though. We both got really sick that first year because of exposure to a new environment. I wound up in the hospital at one point. I was struggling adjusting to college and I was petrified leaving the apartment aside from going to classes. I never got a job, I went through 2 (horrible) therapists and CBT that never helped me, and I made zero friends the first 2 years of college. But going through that was BETTER than ever staying at my parents. It helped me grow, despite how difficult it was. After those first 2 years, I started making friends at school, I started doing some extracurriculars (not a lot, just whatever my friends could convince me to do), I got engaged, we both moved to outside of the city and I learned how to commute to school, and I got a job that *forced me* to interact with people on a daily basis. As much as I hated that job, it helped with my social skills. My major helped with my social skills with how many god damn presentations I had to do too. (Never again!) Now I'm married, graduated, moved in to my first real home, and about to start a new job actually related to my field of study. All within 5 1/2 years of moving out.
I'm by no means perfect or 100% healed. I still get the rush of anxiety and chest tightness going out in public on my own. I cannot drive through large cities or anywhere I do not know. I can't walk down the street by myself very far. I can't strike up a conversation with a random stranger either. I have issues with aggression when I get mad and I can be controlling at times because of my past. I still deal with depression every day. BUT I'm working through it. I've still come MILES from where I was before. I can at least leave the house, throw myself into new situations instead of avoiding them altogether, and I can carry a conversation if someone else starts it. (I don't know what it is with me and starting conversations. I just can't.) I'm able to make acquaintances and friends easier too.
To wrap up a novel of a post, I'm not telling you this to shed light on myself, but rather to SHOW YOU THAT IT CAN BE DONE.
I implore you to do whatever it takes to leave the environment that is making you so unhappy. Pick up a sh!tty job so you can move out, at least that stress will be greatly reduced.
Just don't end it Friendly, please.
Basically do this. Even if you don't have any previous work experience, a lot of customer service businesses will still hire you. It's a scary job, and not always the nicest, but it is a good challenge for your social anxiety. Or find something you really like to do and go volunteer to do that thing -- even volunteering can lead to paying jobs if you network with the right people. Or go to school if you're not already in school. Even if it's to take some elective classes for a few months to explore what you want to do for a living or just out of curiosity. Whatever you do, you need to move out of, or at least distance yourself greatly from, your current situation. You will never heal in that environment, trust me.
