Im gonna die soon.

FriendlyShadow

Well-known member
#1
There's no hope for me anymore. I'm literally breaking apart as I write this. I doubt I'm gonna make it. I'm trapped with my parents forever and my anxiety has gotten worse and worse due to my Mom's night terrors at night which she can't get help for. No one knows how the terror I'm living with everyday. It's over for me. My body's giving up on me and I'll never get the support I need. I cant live with this.😥😥😥
 

FriendlyShadow

Well-known member
#3
My dad says her night terrors are something I need to live with and I shouldn't let it affect me. OMG, this is living hell fo me! I'm not joking. It's a f#cking nightmare. What do you guys think??? Please, I really hate living with them. I always feel sad when I'm with them and their lack of affection is destroying me!
 
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DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
#4
FriendlyShadow, you can make it past this. Please don't give up. You're going to live past this and live on. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always around. Just don't hold it all in. Reach out, talk with people. Even if it's not me, just someone. It's tough, no doubt, but you can and will make it through this.
 
#6
I think there's a point when hopelessness becomes so great that it is actually freeing. For example, unless you're chained to the radiator you could walk out and leave the house whenever you liked and not return. There's an infinite number of ways to escape on a scale from reckless, risky, and unsafe (Like hitch hiking and sleeping on strangers couches) to calculated and safe (like an apartment, job, and car).

Any reason for not exploring any of those innumerable avenues goes out the window when the outcome to exploring none of them is death. If you try a hundred things and its all awful and you don't come across any worthwhile things to justify the unpleasantness of being alive, well, death will always be there. If I was a betting man I would bet something would stick though, some option that keeps your head at least above water. You might even find yourself thriving in a way you never expected.

I may have misunderstood your post, but if what its saying is the two options are between living at home with trauma and stress or dying, my point is just that they aren't the only two options.
 
#7
I think there's a point when hopelessness becomes so great that it is actually freeing. For example, unless you're chained to the radiator you could walk out and leave the house whenever you liked and not return. There's an infinite number of ways to escape on a scale from reckless, risky, and unsafe (Like hitch hiking and sleeping on strangers couches) to calculated and safe (like an apartment, job, and car).

Any reason for not exploring any of those innumerable avenues goes out the window when the outcome to exploring none of them is death. If you try a hundred things and its all awful and you don't come across any worthwhile things to justify the unpleasantness of being alive, well, death will always be there. If I was a betting man I would bet something would stick though, some option that keeps your head at least above water. You might even find yourself thriving in a way you never expected.

I may have misunderstood your post, but if what its saying is the two options are between living at home with trauma and stress or dying, my point is just that they aren't the only two options.
Well said Vj.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
#9
When you say your body's giving up on you, do you mean from the anxiety and stress or are you talking about suicide? When you're overwhelmed with anxiety, it often feels like you're going to die. It literally feels like your heart is going to give out any minute because you can't take it. I've been there. It's a horrible, scary feeling.

Or are you saying that you're going to be so overwhelmed with anxiety the only answer is to end it in order to find peace? I hope this isn't the case. I know tough situations can make it feel like a life-or-death scenario. I've never been at a point so low I've thought about ending it, but I have been at points so low wondering if people honestly cared or if no one would care if I just left in one way or another.

I had such overwhelming anxiety like this living at my parents. It was such a toxic environment, not to mention too many horrible strings attached from past experiences everyday I stayed there was a constant reminder of what had happened and what could consistently repeat itself. The name calling, the arguments -- especially at night that kept me up, the sexism, the constant clutter and hoarding piles in the house a reflection of my parents own disorganized life and personal issues. After finishing community college, I still lived with my parents. I never lived on my own before and my health was really horrible due to other physical issues I have. I took a gap year to focus on me. I got help for my health issues which in turn made enough impact on my mental health it became easier to leave the house for hours at a time (luckily my parents did agree to pay for it and my mom took me for a majority of the trips), I figured out *exactly* what I wanted to do, I looked for jobs -- but my SA got the best of me and I didn't look very hard and only picked up things on the side for cash, mostly cleaning for people, and then I applied to college in a city 3 hours away from home that I've never been to.

I left later that year. I got lucky along the way though. I met my now husband and he moved with me to that city that he never been before either. It was impulsive, but it was worth it. It wasn't easy though. We both got really sick that first year because of exposure to a new environment. I wound up in the hospital at one point. I was struggling adjusting to college and I was petrified leaving the apartment aside from going to classes. I never got a job, I went through 2 (horrible) therapists and CBT that never helped me, and I made zero friends the first 2 years of college. But going through that was BETTER than ever staying at my parents. It helped me grow, despite how difficult it was. After those first 2 years, I started making friends at school, I started doing some extracurriculars (not a lot, just whatever my friends could convince me to do), I got engaged, we both moved to outside of the city and I learned how to commute to school, and I got a job that *forced me* to interact with people on a daily basis. As much as I hated that job, it helped with my social skills. My major helped with my social skills with how many god damn presentations I had to do too. (Never again!) Now I'm married, graduated, moved in to my first real home, and about to start a new job actually related to my field of study. All within 5 1/2 years of moving out.

I'm by no means perfect or 100% healed. I still get the rush of anxiety and chest tightness going out in public on my own. I cannot drive through large cities or anywhere I do not know. I can't walk down the street by myself very far. I can't strike up a conversation with a random stranger either. I have issues with aggression when I get mad and I can be controlling at times because of my past. I still deal with depression every day. BUT I'm working through it. I've still come MILES from where I was before. I can at least leave the house, throw myself into new situations instead of avoiding them altogether, and I can carry a conversation if someone else starts it. (I don't know what it is with me and starting conversations. I just can't.) I'm able to make acquaintances and friends easier too.

To wrap up a novel of a post, I'm not telling you this to shed light on myself, but rather to SHOW YOU THAT IT CAN BE DONE.

I implore you to do whatever it takes to leave the environment that is making you so unhappy. Pick up a sh!tty job so you can move out, at least that stress will be greatly reduced.
Just don't end it Friendly, please.
Basically do this. Even if you don't have any previous work experience, a lot of customer service businesses will still hire you. It's a scary job, and not always the nicest, but it is a good challenge for your social anxiety. Or find something you really like to do and go volunteer to do that thing -- even volunteering can lead to paying jobs if you network with the right people. Or go to school if you're not already in school. Even if it's to take some elective classes for a few months to explore what you want to do for a living or just out of curiosity. Whatever you do, you need to move out of, or at least distance yourself greatly from, your current situation. You will never heal in that environment, trust me.
 
#10
Hello FriendlyShadow,

Your situation is saddening to read about; I don't know how well I could relate to this since my relationship with my parents isn't the same as with yours, but I do relate to having felt trapped with something and having felt powerless to solve it, because I had felt clueless about what to do, it was more than 5 years ago and I'd cope with crying desperately, the difference is — I had my mother to try and reason with me, you can either wallow in self-pity or do something about it — this is what her advice has always been; I get how easy it is to give in to the former.

There is always hope and ways to fix your situation that are way better than what you seem to be contemplating. It might feel hard at first, but as you go at it, you'll feel better about knowing that you are actually doing what is good for yourself in the long term. Please do not give up.

There is always someone somewhere being in a far worse situation than us (homeless, handicapped...etc) thinking about that can make someone realize how lucky you might be, and that your situation is more treatable than theirs.

I gather your father knows how badly this is affecting you, so you have already done what I would have suggested first, which is talking about it. Maybe he doesn't realize how desperate you feel though, maybe you could try bringing this up on the table again.

Do you have any relatives or friends you could live with? Maybe you could do what PugofCrydee suggested, it might not feel easy, but it'll end up being better.

Always choose life.
 
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LoyalXenite

Well-known member
#13
There isnt really anything I can say that hasnt already been said (quite well) by fellow spw'ers. But I wanted to show my support too. I've lived in some very shitty situations, from abusive homes to homelessness and I've been at the point of attempting suicide quite a few times. Its hell, it really is, but things can change, I dont know how old you are or what options are available to you, but there has to be something- though it might not be easy, in fact it may be rather hard. But it'd be worth it. You just gotta hang on til you get there.
 

FriendlyShadow

Well-known member
#14

THIS. This is exactly how I feel. This is what chronic anxiety attacks are like for me. It's hard treading on water all the time.
 
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FriendlyShadow

Well-known member
#15

Now look at this video. Same person. He and I somewhat both share some things in common with family trauma verbal abuse wise... still there's no excuse for this. PTSD is no joke. I can't stress that enough. Seems that it caused long term effects too.
 
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DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
#18
I don't have PTSD and I've only barely hit the cusp of a panic attack, so it's not like I can say I understand or that I know exactly what you're going through. I've been through some abuse, but nothing I'd consider terribly bad. You're right; no one should have to suffer like you, me, or anyone else. We should all be working to help each other. But, the world can be a cruel place at times; it's through those tough times, however, that we can find strength within ourselves to overcome our problems and become better, to go past our limits. As they say, "You never know what you're capable of, until you have to do it." It's good to see that you're still alive; it means you still have a chance to get past this. Keep working (both figuratively and literally), take up extra hours at your job if you have to, and work towards being able to move out.
 

FriendlyShadow

Well-known member
#19
Hello FriendlyShadow,

Your situation is saddening to read about; I don't know how well I could relate to this since my relationship with my parents isn't the same as with yours, but I do relate to having felt trapped with something and having felt powerless to solve it, because I had felt clueless about what to do, it was more than 5 years ago and I'd cope with crying desperately, the difference is — I had my mother to try and reason with me, you can either wallow in self-pity or do something about it — this is what her advice has always been; I get how easy it is to give in to the former.

There is always hope and ways to fix your situation that are way better than what you seem to be contemplating. It might feel hard at first, but as you go at it, you'll feel better about knowing that you are actually doing what is good for yourself in the long term. Please do not give up.

There is always someone somewhere being in a far worse situation than us (homeless, handicapped...etc) thinking about that can make someone realize how lucky you might be, and that your situation is more treatable than theirs.

I gather your father knows how badly this is affecting you, so you have already done what I would have suggested first, which is talking about it. Maybe he doesn't realize how desperate you feel though, maybe you could try bringing this up on the table again.

Do you have any relatives or friends you could live with? Maybe you could do what PugofCrydee suggested, it might not feel easy, but it'll end up being better.

Always choose life.
I've told both my parents on many occasions about how their actions affect me and they continue to brush me off with "You're just sad" or "I don't know why you're doing this." When I opened up to my mother about my own depression, she gave me a flippant answer "Yeah, well so do I." Why should a child/full grown adult have to live with being criticized for no reason and being yelled at for the smallest mistakes (not closing the shampoo cap bottle for example and that's once in a while) I could name more. It's still a severe situation regardless.
 

FriendlyShadow

Well-known member
#20
Sorry, I don't mean to be rude to anyone. Again, I have a part time job at the moment. I don't want leave this thread on a bad note... but I don't wanna waste 20 more years living with my parents either.
I'm too young to deal with so much stress. I feel like I exist in a vacuum. It's not a good situation. I just wish my therapists had taken my concerns more seriously back then.
 
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