I am so depressed

[Phoenixx]

Thing is, I often feel like a hypocrite. What if I have it all wrong about humanity? It's just my pessimistic outlook that makes everything and everyone seem like shit?

I know what you mean. I have those days too where everyone just seems like they suck and I want nothing to do with anyone else. But I think there's always black, white, and gray areas. I think some people are good all the way around, some people are just pure assholes to the core, and then there's - what I believe to be - the majority of the population who are generally decent most of the time, but every so often can be jerks and sometimes without realizing it. It happens, no one is perfect. When I run into rude people, or rather people who do something ignorant like cut me off in line at the grocery store, I usually just try to brush it off as them having a bad day or being so caught up in their head with how busy they are they become oblivious to their surroundings. I've had those days too, and I'm sure I've done some things I didn't realize were rude. I know I've said some things or asked questions which came out ruder than they sounded in my head because I tend to speak bluntly at times and not realize it. I'm trying to get better at this, so I like to give other people benefit of the doubt at times and think maybe they're trying to be better too.

 

[Miserum]

Massive amount of intrusive thoughts lately. Always thinking about how many people I've let talk down to me, bully, and disrespect me over the years. Angry and regretful 90% of the time. Also all of the cringeworthy things I've done in life. A participant in a professional match of the Blame Game. It's almost nonstop. I think I've entered another true depressive state. Tough to get work done in the way I want to with a mind in this state.

 

[Miserum]

This is so accurate in my experience that it hurts: https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/10-signs-you-think-too-much-and-what-you-can-do-about-it.html

There are several other helpful coping-with-overthinking articles linked to at the bottom of the article.

 

[Miserum]

Wow, this not overthinking thing really works! Now I'm able to focus my thought energy on what is truly important in life: lollipops.

Just kidding. I'm actually really depressed, that being interspersed by waves of relief that come on for unknown reasons. I have managed to not overthink for large chunks of the day, I guess. But I have to literally make an effort to block out intrusive thoughts constantly.

Seems apparent that it's going to be a difficult habit to break.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I made a decision to stop reflecting years ago, but sometimes fear I threw the baby out with the bathwater.

 

[Miserum]

I made a decision to stop reflecting years ago, but sometimes fear I threw the baby out with the bathwater.

I think I agree. By denying myself reflection, am I denying myself the truth? Or denying myself potential truths that can only be gotten through reflection? And even worse, what if I am denying myself a truth that ultimately helps me in the long run, but can only be gotten through deep reflection?

Then again, according to that article I posted, thinking that overthinking is helpful is a symptom of overthinking.

And my "true, deep reflections" could be entirely wrong due to internal biases.

In any case, I've never really tried not overthinking, for the simple fact that I could not admit to myself that that was what I was actually doing. So I guess, let's see what happens if I don't overthink?

I'd actually like to hear more about why you think you may have thrown the baby out with the bathwater though.

 

[Steiner]

I think it's nice to think, not enough people do it but sometimes there is a lesson to be learned from not thinking. Sometimes our non-brain selves know what we want and we should just give in.

We'd be happier.

A lot of us make the mistake of not giving in to what we really want, we trick ourselves out of out desires due to overthinking.

I never thought much of the saying,"Life is short", ironically, never thought much of it- life is short though.

 

[Miserum]

Holy flaming shit on a stick.

My little experiment on overthinking is yielding results. Because I am staying vigilant, I am aware of how distracting my thoughts have been lately.

No matter what I do, I am in my head. If I'm working, every 30 seconds... literally every 30 seconds, I am thinking about something else unrelated to what I'm currently doing, usually worries on the past or future. Of course, it's not that straightforward. The process feels more jumbled up than that.

But the fact remains: whatever I do, my mind is on other things, things other than the very present.

If I'm making coffee, I'm thinking four steps into the future about what I need to be doing about that process or some other random thing, rather than simply focusing on the very fucking thing I'm supposed to be doing.

If I'm reading, I'm thinking about tangentially related bullshit or other unrelated bullshit.

If I'm talking to someone in person, I start thinking and worrying about things unrelated to the conversation. I'll get distracted by one thing they've said and hyper-focus on that too, which becomes a detriment because I can't do that and follow the rest of the conversation at the same time.

I cannot stay focused. It's like I get immediately bored with the task at hand.

If some external cue is bothering me, I spend an inappropriate amount of time being distracted, and thus pissed off, at that external cue.

This sounds very ADHD-ish, a topic I've brought up previously in the past.

But I'm not sure it's ADHD. Maybe it's just a habit I've allowed into my life for far too long. Maybe I'm operating at 50% efficiency because of it.

And maybe the pile of shit experiences have piled on so high that I simply have no breathing room. So they intrude, constantly. Not even close to being entirely sure.

Anyway, going to keep on paying attention here to see what can be done. A process of meta-thinking.

 

[Miserum]

Okay... so. I think maybe I've been approaching humanity all wrong.

We cannot expect our lives to be perfect. There will be mistakes. There will be betrayal, hurt, comparisons, a chance of shitty fucking relationships. But all we have is other people. Everything we consume is created by other people. All joy in life is ultimately derived, at the root, from other people or the creations and knowledge that arise from them. Sure, I can enjoy a beautiful landscape by myself or a good book, tv show, whatever, but those would seem to be short-lived, shallow satisfactions compared to having a good friend or lover by my side to enjoy them with me.

Even eating a meal in front of my favorite tv show by myself is an extension of this sociability, because all tv shows involve people in one way or another. But it's only a sad, artificial blow-up doll (100 points for best metaphor ever) of real communication. And when you try eating by yourself, eating that way with no form of communication gets extremely dull, very quickly. Humans aren't meant to do that.

I was sitting in my reading chair (*tips fedora*) thinking about the action of reading the book I was reading. This wonderful, wonderful book was created by a person, and the book was about people. But I hate people. (the irony!)

But I need people, not only for entertainment, as per the example above, but I also need them to fulfill my humanity. That is, since we are a tribal species, it's kind of odd for me to be hold up in my room, alone, thinking that's normal. I'm not reaching my potential as a human without meaningful interaction with other humans. And really, if I want anything remotely resembling western success, I need to be able to get along with people.

Is everyone really that bad? Or have I just surrounded myself with shitheads all my life while supplementing those people with shitty places, and also absorbing everything-crazy due to the accessibility of the internet? Maybe there are good people out there I can truly jive with, but I just haven't really found them yet. And I haven't found them yet because I'm a hermit. Nor have I really found myself (perfect segue into next paragraph).

(Merge into segue!) I am so far behind my peer group that I feel like a complete loser compared to so many people I know. But I think I'm really the problem. I think I've been generalizing humanity far too much, or have just been taking the tragedies inherent in being a human far too seriously, and it has made me crazy.

 

[Miserum]

I have a bad habit of expecting the worst and then intricately planning for it. It's gotten so bad, I don't think it's even helping me at this point; it might even be working against me. Maybe I should embrace spontaneity and the unknown more. Over-planning... just more of that dirty overthinking bug probably.

 

[Miserum]

There's only so much time in this world. There is only so much one individual can do in a lifetime. I've dreamt of being some kind of excelling polymath. That's not happening. I need to devote as much time as possible to the few things I find most important, to the things that will allow me to live a meaningful and comfortable life. I need to truly understand what those things are for me, and I think I know what most of them are already.

 

[Miserum]

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, 1948

 

[Miserum]

I feel like I'm on the verge of either going completely insane or making real headway in my life. That isn't hyperbole.

Life seems to become more confusing and at the same time make more sense with each passing day.

I wonder who I'll be in ten years.

 

[Miserum]

I think I might whine too much:

Whining vs Venting

It was time for my one-on-one with Ron and I could tell it would be a doozy. He slumped into a chair and before I could even start with a basic “how’s it going…

blog.swilliams.me

Maybe I should reserve the whining for only a journal and therapist. If theres no solution to be proposed, I'm just a gnat in someone's ear.

 

[Miserum]

Sometimes I feel that all of the mockery, dislike, and alienation from others is for good reason. Sometimes I really just want to give up. But I'm not going to. I will not stop striving to figure this chaotic life out until the second I take my last breath.

 

[Miserum]

Self God-Damn Respect

My mother, from what I've seen, has been a doormat her entire life. And guess who raised yours truly? It makes me so fucking sad.

For the pain she's had to suffer for being a pushover (probably from her parents not knowing much how to be parents), as well as the pain I've had to suffer because she imbued those qualities into me. Everything in that sentence hurts me to say.

This article on why self-respect is so important is incredibly on point. I identified with it completely. You want a happy life? You need to fucking respect yourself first.

Fucking article

 

[Miserum]

I am coming out as a validation seeker.

 

[Miserum]

If you're feeling like giving up...

 

[PugofCrydee]

If you're feeling like giving up...

Good advice Sam.. I mean Terry.. oh whatever the fk your name is..

 

[Miserum]

Good advice Sam.. I mean Terry.. oh whatever the fk your name is..

I don't get the reference.