I am so depressed

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I feel like I use this social media platform a lot. It's funny to think of this place as "social" media given the nature of its content.

So, it's kind of addictive, and thus, may be counterproductive to my productivity. I might need to lessen my frequency of reading and making posts. 🤔 :cry:
I like your posts though :) don’t be gone long ( lol sorry not helping)
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Thinking Before Speaking

I think I tend to not think before I speak... a lot. I mean, I am always thinking before I speak, as we all do. How else would we be able to speak in a coherent manner?

However, what I need to work on is considering those thoughts in a more thoughtful manner. I tend to feel rushed when I speak because I am afraid of being interrupted, or I feel like I am going to miss my chance if I don't speak up. Therefore, perhaps half of what I say comes out in stuttered, half-coherent garbage, and the other half comes out coherently, but offends or seems nonsensical to the people I am speaking to because either my delivery was poor (because I didn't consider the delivery, only the content), or I didn't consider the other party's sentimentalities.

So thinking before speaking obviously means considering whether your thoughts are worth speaking or not. I found this useful article.

I am going to start implementing these rules from that article into my daily conversations and see how things turn out:

  • Breathe Deeply
I always forget to breathe when I'm talking to people. My core becomes a tight knot, and thus I am not just mentally anxious, but physically uncomfortable as well, which only aids my anxiety further. This is the first step.
  • Listening
I'm actually a pretty decent listener. But sometimes I get so worried about what I'm going to say next or how I am being perceived that I don't even listen to what the other person is saying to me. I should be more mindful of that. This is the second step because I need to listen before reflecting on what is being said.
  • Mental Pause/Play Button
Having a mental "pause" button serves as a reminder to consider and reflect on my words before speaking them (T.H.I.N.K.) and consequently, will give me a few more seconds to consider my thoughts before speaking them. "Play" allows me to speak them. This is the third, fourth, and fifth step; I pause before responding, think about what I'm going to say during that pause (T.H.I.N.K.), then I say it if it's a worthy thing to say.
  • T.H.I.N.K.
Is what I'm saying... True, Helpful, Inspirational, Necessary, Kind?
 
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Miserum

Well-known member
I never thought of myself as an IRL Redditor, but I think I am.

Years ago after watching this, where a person is rudely told to shut the fuck up in a group setting during a live stream, I felt bad for the victim (Green Hoodie) after the aggressor (Mustache) suggested he be quiet. I watched the video again recently and thought Green Hoodie was genuinely funny at times and definitely well-meaning, albeit a bit awkward. To me he seemed like an innocent, friendly guy and I chalked up the other guy's behavior to anti-sociability (along with the other silent others on the couch).

Then I read the top comment on the YouTube video: "This is exactly what happens when you treat the real world like discord and reddit." and then, read the thread of sub-comments that followed it. The original poster is referring to Green Hoodie's behavior.

I came to realize that I tend to act like Green Hoodie IRL, trying to be witty, making puns, referencing arcane memes that would sound odd or random to non-internet people (for lack of a better term), and at times, just talking to an inappropriate degree when it's uncalled for. Now that it's been brought to my attention, there is certainly a difference between conversation and humor on forums, and in real life. Some "witty comment" that would get top-voted on Reddit, might not necessarily make any impact at all in a real life conversation.

I've had people IRL treat me like Green Hoodie was treated here (not so bluntly, but have definitely gotten that "What the fuck is this guy talking about?" look, awkward silences in response to my comments, or literally "What?"), and now I know why. I'm an IRL Redditor.

Why am I this way? FML.
 
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Miserum

Well-known member
The more chaotic things get, the harder it is for people with clinical anxiety and/or depression to make sound decisions and to learn from their mistakes. On a positive note, overly anxious and depressed people’s judgment can improve if they focus on what they get right, instead of what they get wrong, suggests a new UC Berkeley study.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
I am almost certain that no one in my life knows how depressed I really am.

Broaching that subject seems like an awkward thing to do with people I'm close with. I feel like they won't understand or think I'm embellishing my feelings.

Don't even get me started on mere friends and acquaintances.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
I've been waking up lately bombarded by negative thoughts. Literally a minute after waking up. I go through my little morning routine followed by these thoughts, and continue onto my work, my responsibilities, with them.

They are always focused on how I've hurt others, been hurt by others, or how I am going to be hurt by others.

How goddamned distracting is this? Pretty goddamned distracting.

I let these thoughts take over. I let the actions of other people rule my thoughts to the extent that the important things in my life suffer. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Right now I just want to tell a certain person to fuck right off. Just cut all contact. I'm getting sick of their shit and they are invading my mind. But I won't because I know that's not a solution.

This is not fair to myself. I am ruminating again, and overthinking. All of my responsibilities are suffering because I can't get over my hurting. And not giving my responsibilities priority is making me less of a person. I have goddamned goals and this overthinking is working against the achievement of those goals. These thoughts are making me slow and stagnant. They are wasting my valuable time.

It's completely unfair that I treat myself this way. The solution is to not give these thoughts any more of my attention. People are going to hurt me; I them. People are going to be insensitive idiots at my expense. It's a fact of life. This doesn't warrant so much fucking attention. It's counterproductive and one of the worst things for me to engage in.

It's not fair to treat myself this way. Why am I such a piece of shit that I deserve to be treated the way I am treating myself? I need to stop.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
I feel isolated from people a good portion of my existence. It's like I can't really seem to say the right things. Or people don't get what where I'm coming from. It's like my brain is wired differently and my perspective is so different from the people I interact with, that I exclude myself because of the connections I make and verbalize.

Maybe I'm just stupid, and that's why my words fall on deaf ears. Because my ideas, and thus my words, are dumb, nonsensical, or outrageous, and smarter people can easily see the reality of this. I just feel lonely most of the time even though I am surrounded by people. I can't seem to connect, eye to eye, with them, in a consistent manner.

And sometimes I feel picked on, because it's easy to pick on the guy that just doesn't quite fit in.

The result of all this is that I get mad, because I can't connect. I feel like a weirdo, an oddball, an outcast. It's humiliating putting myself out there and continuously getting rejected. Then I feel hopeless that I will ever achieve truly meaningful, mutually respectful, happy connections in my life.

Eventually I get over it but man is that almost daily rollercoaster exhausting.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Sometimes I go on rants about my "stupidity." Yet... I give advice to people here. That might lead people to think that I think I am smarter than them. But... I don't think that. I constantly flux between thinking I'm stupid and intelligent. People here should take what I say with a grain of salt due to these fluxes. I constantly feel that I have something to offer, and at the same time, nothing to offer.

Sometimes I even feel out of place on this forum, but I respect the minds of everyone here. My fluxes are just another symptom of my insanity.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
I think I'm finally ready to just block out all of my problems with intense, focused work. Otherwise, I'll probably go crazy.
 
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