I am so depressed

Miserum

Well-known member
#1
I can't connect with people.

I am unable to "banter" with the guys without putting forth a massive effort. I feel like people don't respect me and I am ignored. I am not a funny person, and my attempts to be are shrugged off as weird or inappropriate. I am not smart. I am not attractive. I am far behind the curve of where I should be at my age. I can never be myself around people. Fucking never. Not even around my own damn relatives. I don't fit in. Outside of my room, I am afraid. I am afraid of the world.

I don't see how a woman could love me when there are so many other men that are much cooler and more attractive than I am. It feels like a constant competition, because it is a competition... and I cannot compete.

Honestly, I don't know why I put in the effort every day to "be better." Will things really ever get better? What the fuck am I working toward if not?

FML
 

Sora

Well-known member
#2
I pretty much feel the same but I try to not focus on any of that and just be happy doing what I like, myself.
Sounds crazy but I am going back to pure loner mode at the moment but just interact with people at work.

Try to shift your focus to none of that or what people think and just do what u enjoy. Try to live for the moment.
It is all pointless to be honest but just got to try enjoy the things u like.
 
#4
Mate, I can relate to your post. Some days my depression gets so bad I dont know if Its me looking through my eyes. It feels like a stranger..
But I always get through it.
 

lily

Well-known member
#7
i don't disrespect you. i find you intelligent and nice. Hope you get better soon. I get bored/lonely a lot. that's how it is for me these days so far.
 

Ransfordrowe

Well-known member
#10
Hi.I know it's tough but working towards stopping thinking 'I can not..'.
Will help you alot in the long run.Your putting limitations on what you are capable of.You find bantering hard and so do I but you have done it.So have I.Which therefore means you can do it.Thats a positive to hold on to.

I know it's hard to stay motivated to keep putting yourself out there emotionally.But keeping trying to push yourself.Thats what I do even though like you it's not easy.Its better to try and fail than not to try at all.

Hope thinks get less hard for you soon.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#11
Hi.I know it's tough but working towards stopping thinking 'I can not..'.
Will help you alot in the long run.Your putting limitations on what you are capable of.You find bantering hard and so do I but you have done it.So have I.Which therefore means you can do it.Thats a positive to hold on to.

I know it's hard to stay motivated to keep putting yourself out there emotionally.But keeping trying to push yourself.Thats what I do even though like you it's not easy.Its better to try and fail than not to try at all.

Hope thinks get less hard for you soon.
Good point Ransford. I've had my exceptional points when it comes to bantering but consistency is the problem.

And I do have a problem with consistently telling myself I am not good enough, which I shouldn't be doing. Thank you for the positive words and reminder.
 
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Miserum

Well-known member
#12
i don't disrespect you. i find you intelligent and nice. Hope you get better soon. I get bored/lonely a lot. that's how it is for me these days so far.
Sorry to hear you're feeling lonely lily. I don't really have any advice regarding that (not that you asked for it) but thanks for the nice comment.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#13
I have to say that today was pretty amazing. I had one of those rare moments of clarity where I could relax, almost completely, around those that usually make me shit my pants. Why I relaxed? Who the fuck knows. I was wound-up so hard this week, I think I simply shut down today. It is worth more analysis.

The result? I was witty and funny. I was actually called "clever" by one of my (quite) intelligent coworkers in response to a joke I made. And I carried this momentum through quite a few social interactions today. The key for me, personally, is to relax. On every occasion where I relax, this is the result. That is how I become witty.

This was spontaneous; I wasn't trying to be witty initially. It simply came about because I was relaxed. I didn't feel like I would be judged for my many perceived flaws, or more correctly, didn't care if I would be judged. And after the first witticism, the conversation became fun, when before it was serious, and maybe I then treated it more like a game instead of a competitive death match--seeing how well I could bounce clever or funny remarks off of other people's words or own clever and funny remarks.

At a certain point, the pressure of doing this mounted steadily until I felt slightly anxious, compelling me to be witty, like I HAD to do be or else the conversation would be a disaster, which obviously was not a good thing to have happen and took away from the momentum I was carrying. Again, being in my own head was what led to this feeling. And being present and relaxed is what led to the absence of it and the ability for my conversation to flow.

What does it mean to be relaxed in this context? It is a freeing feeling. It is not a scornful "I don't give a fuck what you think" attitude. I guess it's more like... "I appreciate your company--now let's make it fun." Of course conversations can't be all jokes and witticisms, but there should be a healthy balance, and shouldn't be forced.

Being relaxed also has another benefit in that it allows me to listen. Really listen. If I'm not thinking about what a fuck-up I am, or how to appease my conversation partner so that they don't attack me verbally or physically, and how I'm going to fuck up a conversation or situation and embarrass myself, my brain is--I am--then free to listen to the people around me. I can intake, absorb their words and actions, and analyze them much more quickly if I'm not so focused on how "cool" I look, or "smart" I sound, or other varying distractions related to how I think others perceive me. And this is a problem I've talked about on SPW before; not being able to sustain focus during conversations. I need to listen to the people I am interacting with.

On that note, since it's related to listening, is speaking in general. When I am nervous, I sound like a bumbling, stumbling idiot. I really do with no exaggeration. I forget words, my throat tightens up and my mouth becomes dry which affects my intonation, I stutter, can't keep my train of thought together, and overall I just don't sound very intelligent. I am aware that I am this way, which contributes to my social anxiety because I feel like I am being perceived as a dummy. I actually admire people that can simply speak normally--in fact, I sometimes look on in awe--because I recognize smooth oral diction as an indispensable communication attribute. During the times where I am not nervous, I speak much more like the way I write, which I think sounds at least somewhat intelligent--well, not stupid at least. I've had multiple people's faces light up with shock when they see my writing for the first time, followed usually by a statement like "Wow, you wrote this?" which confirms the idea that I am terrible at oral communication. And my inability to communicate in this manner all boils down, again, to being relaxed.

And it's not only my mind and select parts of my body that are relaxing, it is really my entire body too. My mannerisms and expressions, my posture, contribute to how I am perceived. How one stands, walks, moves their arms, their micro expressions, etc, are telling in how relaxed they are and contribute--in line with the way they speak--to their overall appearance of competence. Your body language is a language, and is a part of your communication makeup. If it is relaxed, the people around you are likely to find you compelling, as well as relaxed, which may allow they themselves to relax, which leads to even better communication.

When I am relaxed, I can flow. I am FREE when I am relaxed. I can be witty, I can speak smoothly, I can listen with focus, my body can move unconstrained, I can not only sound intelligent, but for all intents and purposes, BE intelligent. Relaxing, most literally, allows me to be the most intelligent and best version of myself.

Now I sit here (drinking beer) and not afraid to admit that I am in a significant state of reverie about today. Sorry if this comes off as boastful. I feel pretty good about myself. This post also acts as a record of sorts for my own benefit.
 
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Sacrament

Well-known member
#14
That's awesome, dude. I think you've touched on an important 'fix': getting out of your own head. Once you do that, you stop focusing on your internal self-destructive dialogue, and focus on what actually matters.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#15
That's awesome, dude. I think you've touched on an important 'fix': getting out of your own head. Once you do that, you stop focusing on your internal self-destructive dialogue, and focus on what actually matters.
Thanks, Sacrament. :) I am currently in my head... that is, right now. A hard habit to break it seems. I will remain vigilant.
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
#16
It doesn't change overnight. It's a process. It's why so many people become discouraged. Keep at it, and eventually it'll become louder than the old processes.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#17
It doesn't change overnight. It's a process. It's why so many people become discouraged. Keep at it, and eventually it'll become louder than the old processes.
I've kept your encouragement in mind throughout the hustle and bustle of today. Being mindful of being mindful. Thanks.
 
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