I am so depressed


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People that don't believe in you and bring you down will ALWAYS be bad for you; they have no purpose in your life, other than to help you recognize that that type of person is bad for you. The people that bring you up, that believe in you and make it known, really DO bring you up. Their positivity is infectious and absolutely makes you believe in yourself. And I am grateful for those people.


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Lately I've noticed that I have been judging people as if they are beneath--not me, necessarily, but--my ideas on how to live life well: their formulas are wrong because they don't think about what will lead them to true happiness, let life lead them instead of leading life, or make thoughtless decisions about what will lead them there.

Which is funny, because I'm not even close to knowing the secret to happiness myself.

Sure, I may have my own ideas, but I'm still. not. there. yet.

So maybe I need to shed this ego a little bit and realize that people lead different lives in different ways and probably have pretty good reasons for doing the things they do that I do not understand because I am not them.

I thought I knew I didn't have all the answers. Somehow I let that perception slip.

I don't have all the answers... not yet, and perhaps maybe never will, so how can I be so critical of the rest of humanity's choices?

The only overarching answers I can find will be for myself; the only "truths" I discover may be completely subjective and utterly personal. Mine and mine alone. Any all-encompassing, vital "life truth" will be totally mine, and they will arrive through all of the accumulated experiences and knowledge that make up me and my world.

Even when I find and appreciate the wisdom of others, it can only be through external understanding. I will never fully know what they mean by their wisdom intimately myself, because that wisdom is derived from their own experiences. I can only know a part of their words' meaning, and apply that part to my own life, according to my own perceptions and experiences. Everyone has their own private answers to fulfillment and happiness, according to their own experiences.

I guess that's why I'm such a fan of trying new things and accumulating as much knowledge and experience as possible. The more I try, the more I discover what and who I am. When I have a cohesive and deep "picture of understanding" of who I am and the world I live in, and what can be changed and what cannot be changed, then maybe I can find some peace. Then maybe I'll have some wisdom, but only for myself.
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The cycle of "making things worse":

(1) I have little to no respect for myself because I see myself as a huge loser for various reasons. A part of this negative feeling is also knowing that I'm "bad" at socializing. These ideas pervade my every social interaction, which causes negative social outcomes.

(2) Negative social outcomes lead to reclusion.

(3) Reclusion leads to long gaps in socializing, which leads to "social rust" or unfamiliarity with social situations. By the nature of long gaps, people in my peer group change and mature, and I am a step behind in seeing those changes because I've been hiding in my room.

(4) When I decide to leave or am forced out of my long seclusion, I still think I'm a loser and I'm socially rusty, unaware of the changes that have gone on without me in the external environment, which again leads to negative outcomes and so enforces: (1), then (2), then (3)... and finally (4).

Sometimes I manage to completely avoid all of this bullshit for some reason, and absolutely kill it socially. I know it's because I'm not in my head. But the problem is, I'm always in my head.

So I know all hope isn't lost.

I think I just need a little (see: a lot) more self-respect, and a little more people-time after gaining it.


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It's hard to be creative when you're a bundle of nerves.

Having fun in a social setting means adopting a playful, confident attitude. When you're playful and confident, you're more creative. When you're nervous, that playfulness, confidence, and creativity are stifled and suffocated.

Generally, I think you also need good will toward those around you. This pairs hand in hand with playfulness.

Every successful social encounter I've ever had has been determined by whether or not I was nervous. In the relaxed scenario, I am barely thinking. Thoughts just come to me as if by intuition. And I generally tend to get a positive reaction. My demeanor is relaxed, I smile easily, my words flow like a steady river. My inflections are wave-like and not constant. I get creative. I become funny. I become this confident entity that people actually like.

I don't know who that is.

I suppose I never feel "challenged" by others when I am flowing in this state of confidence. I can be easily thrown in this state, if I feel like a challenge is coming, or it has already arrived.

Nervousness in social situations can come on internally through insecurities. It can also come externally from people I do not like (AKA people who have decided to live their lives as assholes), people that rudely challenge me in a variety of ways, for apparently no good reason, paired with my own constant, buzzing internal turmoil and lack of self-respect.

Maybe I need to learn how to deal with people I perceive to be better than me. Are they smarter, better looking, more funny, stronger, more charismatic, more knowledgable? Their default state of being challenges every fiber of my own being. How can I accept these people when they threaten my own confidence?

Maybe I simply need to learn how to handle challenges. I am afraid of being made a fool, of being proven wrong, of being ridiculed for who I am, of being trounced on either intellectually or physically, of being beaten, to put it simply. Other people try me, and I can't handle it.

"What if they treat me badly?"
"What if people laugh at my expense, because I was treated badly?"
"How can I stand up for myself?"
"How can I even the playing field if someone decides to be mean to me?"
"Do I need to manifest physicality, or actually get physical, or is a battle of wits all that is required?"
"Am I being too sensitive and simply reading people's intentions wrong?"
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There is a point I reach in my drinking, maybe 2 or 3 drinks in, where I suddenly feel the urge to talk to people I care about. And it's a feeling of joy and goodwill toward my fellow man. I am currently in that state.

What the fuck is that?

Is it the disinhibitory release of the cobwebs of stress, worry, and hate that cover the front of my brain? Is it a temporary shredding of that filter?

It feels good. And I don't care about the worries I normally care about.

Could also be the cumulative effect of a few good days though + the effect of drinking.



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When I look back on who I used to be, all I can do is shake my head. The lost youth.

Life is short. Extremely short. I refuse to continue to live it with my eyes closed. I refuse to continue to live it in perpetual fear.


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I stood up for what I believed in today and pretty much got yelled at by a stranger because of it. But it ended up working out, I think.

A pretty new experience for me, but an invaluable one nonetheless. I can either sit here and make no noise, not let people know how I feel, and continue to be walked on for the rest of my short life. Or I can make noise when I feel it justified, and accept the fact that with that noise may come danger, discomfort, and general chaos.

But also that resolution and understanding might come from the very same chaos.

If I remain quiet, there will be no danger, no discomfort (other than a feeling of weakness and regret), and definitely no resolution.


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This for me as well. I find social media just fuels that hatred, with both people expressing themselves and my own feelings towards others' differences. Everyone has a voice, I just need to remember to stop listening (and reading) at times.
Thing is, I often feel like a hypocrite. What if I have it all wrong about humanity? It's just my pessimistic outlook that makes everything and everyone seem like shit?