How is it possible that a SA sufferer has a girlfriend/boyfriend?

[Zoya Dulzura]

I've had very few bfs, and I got (extremely) lucky with my current bf because a friend hooked me up with him. He is a bit shy himself, but not with me, and he is totally understanding when I tell him about my feelings of anxiety and my frustration with social situations.

I'm curious to know about relationships in which both of the people have SA or some similar situation... it seems like that would be easier in some ways (as compared to a relationship in which only one person is like that), but harder in others.

 

[Liam17]

Never had a girlfriend

): depressing to be honest.

As most people have said it depends on the person. Like us guys have to make the first move yeah, so i guess its easier for women in that way.
But i'm happy for everyone here thats got someone
It's better than being lonely, and having no1 to talk to :/

Ahh well, still got my guitar.

Just write songs about it, might get famous one day :/

Even though thats kinda a fear in itself, i hate being the centre of attention.
My band are being looked at by a record label. Part of me is like yeah go for it, then i'm like :/ no aswell.

Sorry that went abit of topic

 

[Zoya Dulzura]

People shouldn't get down about never having had a gf/bf or being single... I don't quite agree about the thing about girls having it easier than guys because guys are "supposed" to make the first move--if a girl is shy, as based on my own experience, then it isn't too likely that a guy will randomly ask you out in the first place (unless you're lucky, or you're pretty...which according to my shy, pretty friend attracts a whole different heap of problems (i.e. attracting jerks)).

 

[kc1980]

Never had a girlfriend

): depressing to be honest.

As most people have said it depends on the person. Like us guys have to make the first move yeah, so i guess its easier for women in that way.
But i'm happy for everyone here thats got someone
It's better than being lonely, and having no1 to talk to :/

Ahh well, still got my guitar.

Just write songs about it, might get famous one day :/

Even though thats kinda a fear in itself, i hate being the centre of attention.
My band are being looked at by a record label. Part of me is like yeah go for it, then i'm like :/ no aswell.

Sorry that went abit of topic

What age are you, if you don't mind me asking? I only found my girlfriend at 22. Before that I never had a girlfriend (with the exception of one girl in primary school when I was just 10 ), never even went on one date or asked any girl. And no girl ever asked me, well not directly. I guess I used to be so reclusive and distant that the few girls who might have had an interest in me were scared off by that.
Have you tried internet dating? I think that can help, because it allows one to meet people outside the normal daily situations, such as school or work, in which the social anxiety can dominate your behaviour, whereas with internet you can meet someone more anonymously, so you might be able to be more open than normal. It's also easier to make the first move over the net Although even then it can still be very scary in the beginning.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

One of my very good friends has a boyfriend who has SA. She has admitted to me that it gets on her nerves when he sometimes gets really quiet and nervous when he's around others. She still stays with him and she loves him dearly. She's the type of person who tries to be understanding even when she may not understand what another person is going through.
I myself am married and I probably could find another relationship were I single. It's possible, but I know that I would have to make an effort to put myself out there in the first place. I'd have to make it possible for someone to get to know me enough to like and accept me for who I am.

 

[Section_31]

i have a MUCH easier time talking to women than most other men. Always been that way, not sure why.

 

[JamesSmith]

I see that people in this forum (a lot of them actually considering they have SA) are dating someone (at least they say so). Can't see how this is possible. Especially for guys, who have to make the first move.

First let me say that I'm NOT dating anyone and am a male Social anxiety disorder sufferer. Not only that, but I've been with one girl my whole life and I'm 26 years old. The reason you see that many people have been in a relationship is because many people on this website don't have Social Anxiety Disorder to it's full extent. There are people that are outgoing that have social anxiety, which isn't anything close to as hard as someone with Social Anxiety Disorder. These people with just social anxiety have it much easier than Social Anxiety DISORDER people such as you and me.

And yeah, that first move is the whole story. Being a guy in a club is totally different than being a girl. If you aren't willing to make that first move, then forget about your chances of ever finding "the right one." Society in the dating world usually functions on men making the first move. I've complained about this tons of times, but you know what? We can't change society, this is the way it is. I really wish sexes believed in equality on making the first move, but considering it's 2010 and this hasn't changed, it's always going to be most of society's opinion that men have to make that first move. We can't change society, things are the way they are. So it's either make the first move or be alone like i am,it's up to you.

 

[fitftw]

^ best post I've read in a while. I'm one of the regular people with social anxiety. I have the capability to be normal and such, but I just don't like the way I feel when I go places. Highly paranoid. Always thinking that people are thinking about me negatively.

And yeah, if you never make a move, you will be alone forever. No girls make the first move. It's how it's always always ALWAYS been. And there have always always ALWAYS been men that are too shy to make the first move. We aren't the first, we won't be the last.

 

[oxygene]

I think this depends on how severe your SA is. Most people who think that they have SA are in fact just shy, and most of them are able to have a partner but It`s very hard even to have friends for SA sufferers let alone having bf/gf.

 

[R3K]

in '06 i was approached--no, accosted by a very aggressive girl that used me as a sort of boy on the side. she'd tell other boys that I was her boyfriend just to keep them off her, but then she'd tell me to my face that she and i weren't bf/gf status. she'd coerce me into driving her everywhere, buying her lunch and dinner and taking her to her favorite club where she'd get plastered and start throwin herself at every dude. it was a bad situation and took a lot of planning and courage for me to get out of.

there are aggressive women out there who will take advantage of guys with SA, and vice versa.

 

[Liam17]

What age are you, if you don't mind me asking? I only found my girlfriend at 22. Before that I never had a girlfriend (with the exception of one girl in primary school when I was just 10 ), never even went on one date or asked any girl. And no girl ever asked me, well not directly. I guess I used to be so reclusive and distant that the few girls who might have had an interest in me were scared off by that.
Have you tried internet dating? I think that can help, because it allows one to meet people outside the normal daily situations, such as school or work, in which the social anxiety can dominate your behaviour, whereas with internet you can meet someone more anonymously, so you might be able to be more open than normal. It's also easier to make the first move over the net Although even then it can still be very scary in the beginning.

I am 17, thanks for your advice

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

i am married and i have relativly severe social anxiety.

its just who i am. my SA got much worse over the years. I cannot help that. i know it must be hard to understand but i am lonely, even though i adore and love my wife. we are the best of friends..

but in the regular world, by myself. i am alone. its overwhelming to be out there. not out of fear, its just overwhelming. it drains me. it leaves me .. i dunno.

i hear your loneliness and i know i am blessed. i am not complaining. but i still have SA. no doubt.

it is a part of who i am. i cannot divorce it!

 

[Falkor]

I met my girlfriend on the internet. We've met eachother in real life for about a year ago, and this year I fell in love with her. She's really understandable about my SA, she even wants to know everything about it. I never met someone, who is so caring to me, and I'm so happy she understands me and I can trust her .
This year is going to be a great upcoming 2011, because I know I have an angel by my side . Monday we will celebrate third Christmas day together, can't wait to see her again! But about what the TS said, It's never ''Impossible'' to have a GF/BF while having SA. Maybe some people find it hard to appreciate your differences in social situations or your probs, but still.. That one person, who does care, is there for you. I never could believe it myself too, so many girl's have let me down and just played with my heart, I was so damn in love, but they were just fooling around with me. Approaching people in real life is hard, but internet is an easy way, but don't look it up, just wait.. Till you have found MR of MRS right, or a nice date . You just have to walk that path.. But it's NEVER impossible.
Love, is the meaning of life

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

And yeah, if you never make a move, you will be alone forever. No girls make the first move. It's how it's always always ALWAYS been. And there have always always ALWAYS been men that are too shy to make the first move. We aren't the first, we won't be the last.

If this were actually true, I would probably still be a virgin. 'Always' is an awfully big word to be throwing around so much.

First let me say that I'm NOT dating anyone and am a male Social anxiety disorder sufferer. Not only that, but I've been with one girl my whole life and I'm 26 years old. The reason you see that many people have been in a relationship is because many people on this website don't have Social Anxiety Disorder to it's full extent. There are people that are outgoing that have social anxiety, which isn't anything close to as hard as someone with Social Anxiety Disorder. These people with just social anxiety have it much easier than Social Anxiety DISORDER people such as you and me.

And yeah, that first move is the whole story. Being a guy in a club is totally different than being a girl. If you aren't willing to make that first move, then forget about your chances of ever finding "the right one." Society in the dating world usually functions on men making the first move. I've complained about this tons of times, but you know what? We can't change society, this is the way it is. I really wish sexes believed in equality on making the first move, but considering it's 2010 and this hasn't changed, it's always going to be most of society's opinion that men have to make that first move. We can't change society, things are the way they are. So it's either make the first move or be alone like i am,it's up to you.

This is a lot of oversimplification. It isn't just a matter of 'how bad your anxiety is determines whether or not you could have a bf/gf'. Worse anxiety certainly isn't going to help, but you are still making a false generalization and it's helpful to no one while hurtful to some. You do not and can not know the story of everyone's relationship.

Not every relationship starts in a club. Not every relationship starts with a guy approaching some cute girl he doesn't know and hoping for the best.

It's not as straightforward as saying that a guy (or girl) with serious SA can't possibly have a relationship. Random circumstances come into play. Some people can happen to end up spending time with someone to get to know them before a relationship happens, in spite of their handicaps. Maybe on the internet, maybe in real life. Sometimes they don't even have much choice. Also, as has been noted, there are cases where someone's anxiety got worse after getting into a relationship.

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

we met online. after high school, it became very hard to meet quality people in person.

we did not meet in a singles chat or dating line, just in a normal chat and we connected. its so much easier to learn about someone that way, without the pressure. we wrote, talked and chatted for over a year before we met. it was hard and awkward but we had done the work.

its different for EVERY person. life is. its just the way of things.
its what makes it beautiful and crazy.

marriage is not for everyone and it does not mean you hafta be alone if ya dont marry. focus on what you do have, and then find joy. we have eachother, dont we?

 

[JamesSmith]

If this were actually true, I would probably still be a virgin. 'Always' is an awfully big word to be throwing around so much.

This is a lot of oversimplification. It isn't just a matter of 'how bad your anxiety is determines whether or not you could have a bf/gf'. Worse anxiety certainly isn't going to help, but you are still making a false generalization and it's helpful to no one while hurtful to some. You do not and can not know the story of everyone's relationship.

Not every relationship starts in a club. Not every relationship starts with a guy approaching some cute girl he doesn't know and hoping for the best.

It's not as straightforward as saying that a guy (or girl) with serious SA can't possibly have a relationship. Random circumstances come into play. Some people can happen to end up spending time with someone to get to know them before a relationship happens, in spite of their handicaps. Maybe on the internet, maybe in real life. Sometimes they don't even have much choice. Also, as has been noted, there are cases where someone's anxiety got worse after getting into a relationship.

The intensity of your anxiety means a lot. In fact, let's say you have really bad anxiety like me and never go out. If you never go out, you never will meet a soul, that is unless you convince a girl to come over to your house to hang out, but that would be a very unlikely situation. I guess it would be possible, but highly unlikely. You see, if your anxiety is insanely bad, you can't even give yourself a chance to meet someone. And what if you were too afraid to even have a girl come to your house? Then it would be literally impossible to meet someone. Anxiety intensity matters. There are people who have such bad anxiety that they make it impossible to meet people.

I should have been more clear in my first post about the club thing. You are right that not all relationships begin in a club or bar. Actually, online dating has exploded with popularity, and online dating would be the best way for a shy person to meet someone. Also, there are other places to meet women: school, group activities, sports, through friends, church, even airplanes and I'm sure there are more that I haven't mentioned. So no, of course a club is not the only place to meet a potential partner.

I never said a person with serious Social Anxiety Disorder can't have a partner. In my first post, I was focusing more on how difficult it is for Social Anxiety Disorder guys to meet women. Look at the dating world. The ball is in the women's court. For years it's been social code for most relationships to begin with men making the first move. This could be a difficult task for many men, and it's that much harder for men who have a real Social Anxiety Disorder. Women know they have the glorious option of choice, they have the power. Men have to be more aggressive, and women are allowed to be passive. If you don't believe me, do an experiment. Put a woman in a bar, and a man in a bar with equal looks. See who gets more numbers by the end of the night by just sitting there. I guarantee you the woman will get more phone numbers. It's possible for any person with SAD to have a partner if they have the courage to break through the wall and start having personal relationships. But if they aren't willing to break through that wall and TRY, then they will not find anyone. I'm living proof of that right now.

 

[Illusions]

It's not impossible, actually. Sometimes it's a matter of luck/timing/severity of your anxiety/your gender. I've dated before BUT only because I wasn't the one who made the first moves (I'm a girl).

As for men with SA, well, it's not impossible either. And I'd know, because I know someone in real life who had difficulties in asking women out but landed himself a girlfriend one day. If you get out there enough, you'll meet someone you click really well/feel comfortable with eventually.

 

[JamesSmith]

It's not impossible, actually. Sometimes it's a matter of luck/timing/severity of your anxiety/your gender. I've dated before BUT only because I wasn't the one who made the first moves (I'm a girl).

As for men with SA, well, it's not impossible either. And I'd know, because I know someone in real life who had difficulties in asking women out but landed himself a girlfriend one day. If you get out there enough, you'll meet someone you click really well/feel comfortable with eventually.

Lol u may need to read over my post again. I never said it was impossible to meet a woman if you are a guy with SAD. If you put yourself out there in some way, then it is possible. If you try then you have a chance. But it is impossible if you never try and never put yourself out there, which is what some people do that have bad Social Anxiety disorder.

And in your first paragraph, that is exactly what I was talking about. Dating is easier for women in most cases just because you don't have to make the first move.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

we met online. after high school, it became very hard to meet quality people in person.

This rings true in my life as well, but then how do we know that the people we meet online are quality people? You can never know anyone too well in real life, so I can imagine it would be even more difficult to do so over the internet. It's only natural that a person puts their best face forward.

marriage is not for everyone and it does not mean you hafta be alone if ya dont marry. focus on what you do have, and then find joy. we have eachother, dont we?

I've seen this proven countless times. People don't realize that they don't have to get married and don't have to have kids. They still do...

 

[coyote]

I've seen this proven countless times. People don't realize that they don't have to get married and don't have to have kids. They still do...

so that's where I went wrong