How are you feeling?

[theslowesthand]

^ I have been too. I was curious about what they suggest might have motivated the Van driver to kill all those poor people on the sidewalk.
Those "Incel"sites are freaking scary stuff!

I recently realised i'm VERY similar to incels, in that i've been virtually unable to "procure" women for sex (except paid, which was way too brief to have had any real benefit & too costly to keep doing). But i also fit the bill for "love-shy".

Years ago, i did entertain thoughts of mass homocide, and had a very brief plan in my head of what it would involve. But i doubt all incels reach that level of intensity, eg some simply have low sex drive, so it doesn't bother them, so they aren't actively trying to find women/sex (like me now).

 

[theslowesthand]

Just joined a "hook-up" site today. It is free to join, but COSTS to participate in chat :kickingmyself:. In less than an hour i got some messages & profile views. Now i'm considering buying credit (using my new credit card) so i can chat & get phone numbers, arrange meetings, etc. Been ranting privately (writing in a document) about my past with lack of women, how they probably won't like me & so i'll feel ashamed, etc, etc; i got it all out on "paper", which is good. I joined it by sheer luck, as i've been watching a fair bit of porn these last few days, & i saw an ad & clicked on it (thinking it was totally free). Also somehow i started looking at incel stuff these last few days as well. Together, they have both brought to the surface this WHOLE AREA of my life which is ~100% empty/unfulfilled, and so i've been thinking, pondering, wondering about if i NEED that stuff in my life, & if i did have it, asking myself would i be happier, etc. So here i am on the VERGE of something MASSIVE for my life, walking the line between status quo & change/excitement/life.

I should have talked about all this to a therapist, years ago, but i had too much else going on i guess. But i've written down stuff, such as the hurdles, my worries/fears, the fact that i may have some false beliefs, etc. Change starts in the head first.

 

[Sarah_M]

I keep seeing everyone around me get exactly what I want and it just confirms what I already knew: I just don't ****ing deserve it.

 

[Graeme1988]

I keep seeing everyone around me get exactly what I want and it just confirms what I already knew: I just don't ****ing deserve it.

You're not alone in feeling that way, I've felt that way about my life as well.

 

[Kiwong]

There is a sickness in the town I live in, that has contributed to my ill- health.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Sleepy, yet mucho caffeinated.

Something's got to give.

 

[PugofCrydee]

There is a sickness in the town I live in, that has contributed to my ill- health.

Yea, it's called 'people'...

 

[theslowesthand]

The manic excitement has worn off. Now its back to the pessimism. The site's probably a scam site. Got loads of messages (most if not all are probably fake?), but hardly got any replies to my messages, & certainly no contact details. But also all my worries are coming back, about women. Even if some of the profiles are real, real women are real women, and are very very picky. I just don't think i "cut the mustard", even for a one-night-stand or fling. My lack of self-confidence i think is the main factor that has stopped from from making any progression with women, over the years (or decades). I have chronic low self-esteem, and that's never going to change.

 

[Kiwong]

Yea, it's called 'people'...

Yep, sheeple, I call them, baaa.

 

[BlueDays]

Yea, it's called 'people'...

:: :applause:

 

[theslowesthand]

Yep, back to my original belief, that i'll never gain any affection from women, have any fun with women, nor find a woman who will love me. It's never going to happen. I'm an "incel" till death it looks like. F*ck it. :sad: :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Lost and insecure... Don't know what ah should do with my life. :idontknow: :sad:
Slightly worried that my disability benefit money could get cut once this new system comes into affect. I hope not like... raying:

And I feel that ma relationship with my mother is pretty much done.
She barely even says more than 2 words anytime ah attempt to converse with her. :crying:

Looks like 2018 is turning into another year ah'd rather forget.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Lost and insecure... Don't know what ah should do with my life. :idontknow: :sad:
Slightly worried that my disability benefit money could get cut once this new system comes into affect. I hope not like... raying:

And I feel that ma relationship with my mother is pretty much done.
She barely even says more than 2 words anytime ah attempt to converse with her. :crying:

Looks like 2018 is turning into another year ah'd rather forget.

It's the year for you to make choices and changes, or expect more of the same and nothing less.

 

[Graeme1988]

It's the year for you to make choices and changes, or expect more of the same and nothing less.

Naw, 2016 was supposed to be the year the most significant changes happened for me -- but it never came to be for me. ::

Ah wish ah could make choices n' changes, but ah rarely get the final say on anything decisions ah make. mg: Not saying that as an excuses, that's just how controlling my mother tends to be of my life, despite me recently turning 30. And when I do make a decision and try to stick to it, my Mum purposely does summit to f*ck it up for me. :kickingmyself:

I just feel stuck in a rut - miserable yet fully aware things should be better. D'you know what it's like to living with someone who constantly feel the need to drag you doon tae their level, and just leech off ya? It's worse when they happen to be family...

Ah don't even huv the motivation to just lose myself in making music. :sad:

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Pretty sore.

I worked today for the first time in a while and man, am I feeling it.

 

[Graeme1988]

:idontknow: Don't know anymore. Every time I even attempt to break from my routine I get berated for it. Any time I'm genuinely happy, the same happens. Cannae dae a thing withoot somebuddy in my family being an immature c*nt about it and some snide remark.

Ah sold one of my old guitars yesterday for £200 pound, and all my older sister could say, upon the oldest sister saying I'd sold it to put toward a new one:

"He should be helping me pay to get my house done. No buying himsel' another bloody guitar!" :kickingmyself:​

Apparently, that remark was intended as "...a joke". But I'm not sure, since my family have a habit of saying really cruel sh*t and passing it off as such. To me it's just more proof that I'm not really meant to be happy, I'm supposed make other folk happy, f*ckin' motivate 'em, give 'em undeserved praise. My needs and happiness - who gives a f*ck!?

Also, as a disabled person who has to live with daily aches n' pains physically, does make me a uncaring, cold person if ah couldnae give a flying f*ck when someone else says to me that their hip or whatever body part is "really sore"? :question:

 

[PugofCrydee]

:idontknow: Don't know anymore. Every time I even attempt to break from my routine I get berated for it.

I hope I don't sound insensitive here mate, but from the outside and reading what you post, you need to move out. Are you expecting your life to change by doing the same thing day in day out?
Whats the definition of madness? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result..

 

[Graeme1988]

I hope I don't sound insensitive here mate, but from the outside and reading what you post, you need to move out. Are you expecting your life to change by doing the same thing day in day out?
Whats the definition of madness? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result..

Oh, I know... Am fully aware o' that. So yer not being insensitive.

It's just difficult to change things when yer being emotional abused and manipulated by yer own mother, someone who refuses to compromise. :thumbdown:

Trust me, if I didnae huv that obstacle in ma way, I'd huv been out n' living by myself. But we had a massive argument yesterday, that will probably change how my Mum treats me. If it doesn't then, once I'm done selling some things I no longer need, I'll just leave...

Why I'm not leaving now is because my oldest sister has told that she thinks things will get back to how they were before everything went to shit last year. So, we'll see...

Maybe getting back to my quiet routine will do me some good? Rather than having to listen to music just to drown out the constant racket that seems to occur whenever my older sister n' her kids come to visit.

 

[lily]

I'm back and just posting to get by time.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah think ah might start to only help my family when asked from now on, but make it clear I won't be bullied, manipulated or obligated into doing anything. Other than that, I'm just going to keep to maself. Seems fair, doesn't it?

I wish ah didnae constantly huv this self-doubt going on in my head all the time. :sad: