How are you feeling?

theslowesthand said: ↑

Had an alcoholic binge last night, & reached my limit. So i expect that's why i have a headache & mood issues this morning. So i took a couple painkillers, had breakfast, & having a coffee. Headache gone, & feeling better after being on spw! :thumbup:

Booze...the solution to and creator of many of life's problems 🙂

jinxed said: ↑

I thought you could move out on your own?

Was intending to do that, but my mother's resorted to emotionally blackmailing me. Sayin' she'll take her own life if I move out. :omg: :sad: :crying:

jinxed said: ↑

Oh yeh, i see, i hope what i mentioned will help. it helps with inflammation but if it's a circulation issue then exercise will help 🙂

Yeah I'll look into that omega fish oil. And speaking of exercise, I really need to get back in shape. :thumbup:

jinxed said: ↑

i'll pray for you

Thank you.

Like utter shite. Pretty much like shite tomorrow and the day after that too.

Hot_Tamale said: ↑

Like utter shite. Pretty much like shite tomorrow and the day after that too.

You're not alone in feeling like that. That's pretty how I've woke up feeling for few months now. It's depressing when ye "...get used to it". :sad:

Hot_Tamale said: ↑

Booze...the solution to and creator of many of life's problems 🙂

The dilemna is that i felt GREAT on the night, but CRAP the next morning/day. What a shame it can't be all good only.

Tired but hungry.

Go to bed on an empty stomach, or head to Sheetz...

Will it be sheets, or Sheetz?

Today I feel successful. Why? It's just a petty matter but having an SA, even simple things can be a very big deal.

You see, despite my SA, I love going to festivals and big events. Crowded places are not an issue for me because I blend in.
However, going to stalls and buying food gives me anxiety. I'm quite a foodie and I love trying unfamiliar or fancy food. But then I'm too anxious to take my time choosing an order from the stalls plus the anticipating look that I get from the sellers bothers me. I end up buying the usual food I'm familiar with (eg. Chips/burger/pizza) and I always make an excuse for myself why i didnt buy what I wanted (eg. The line is too long, too pricey, small serving, doesnt look very appealing etc etc).

Today, I finally did it and I felt brave because i went to the dessert stall with only one customer (I am more anxious buying from stalls with none/few customers because i cant stand the immediate attention I get). So yeah my day is such a success just because of that fancy pancake I bought. I know it took me several gulps of water and passing by the stalls multiple times just to do it but atleast I did it.
The silly things I do because of SA lol.

Marc7 said: ↑

So you watch the news occasionally?

Aye, but I barely watch beyond half an hours worth.

Marc7 said: ↑

To be honest I don't watch news, music, sports because of the fear I would disagree with something, fear of the unknown, I don't want to feel inferior, and I have no one o talk too about how i'm feeling. I been avoiding the Olympics because of fear of what going to happen.

Yeah, I get where yer coming from there.

Marc7 said: ↑

So what are the genres you listen besides rock and from what era?

Genre wise... I'm mainly listen to electronic music. 70s stuff; Kraftwerk, Tangerine Dream. Ambient stuff from the 90s. As well as more recent electronic stuff by more recent musicians but it's heavily inspired and influenced by 80s synth.

Marc7 said: ↑

Wow, I'm glad you moved too.

Marc7 said: ↑

How much yards did you live away from the school? Yea probably was hellish.

I'd say about a couple streets away, even when I moved.

Marc7 said: ↑

Yea. Because your Scottish accent is not stereotypical your considered posh?

Aye... it's a bit weird to explain. It's a regional thing.

Marc7 said: ↑

Why did you stop? That's good you have hobbies though.

Recently? Oh, too much family drama going on to even focus on music enough to do any productive. Either in a practise or writing sense. :thumbdown: And, y'know... a lack of confidence in my guitar playing abilities, as well as self-doubt over my song writing capabilities. :sad:

theslowesthand said: ↑

You do tend to be GREATLY affected by having squabbles/etc with your family, eh?. So great, that you have thoughts of suicide. Only a month/so ago i had a violent argument with my dad, & afterwards i felt suicidal, & then attempted suicide (but not cause of the argument, but due to the threat he made that he's evicting me from my home, ie the CONTENT of the argument).

Aye, well wouldn't you be? If those same violent arguments have been "normal" for you for much of yer life? :sad: When yer so scared $h!tless to speak for fear of how they'll react. Cuz, most o' the time, what you've said ends up causing a full-on, confrontational argument for no reason whatsoever. And you just have to take the abuse and say sorry, when you're no even at fault.

theslowesthand said: ↑

So, do they say things that make you depressed & worried for the future, or what?

Well, my formative years were spent telling me that I'm useless and good for nothing "as a joke". Rip-achingly funny, I know. And that I'm exactly like my father - that yin never got old. So, it's been a real head-f*ck to reconcile all that with the "Yer a good son and brother" compliments I've gotten recently from my mother and oldest sister. The middle child is too much of a tampon - a stuck-up cu... - to say anything complimentary to me. Not that she ever has in the past anyway.

But, more recent examples of what you speak of exactly would be the following:

• My older sister accusing me of being spoiled, and our mother of "doing f*ck all for her", when Mum's always prioritised her over me and my oldest sister. But we'll just gloss over that and the fact she'd huv been f*ckin' homeless! Had Mum and I not taken her and her kids in after she split from her husband.
  
  
  
• My Mum insisting that I won't be able to cope nor afford to live on my own. As well as implying - in a way that's about as subtle as a punch to the face - that me moving out would be "...the end of her". If that's not a person threatening to take their own life, then what is?
  
  
  How she ever coped by herself when visiting my older sister over in Ireland up until July last year is beyond me. :idontknow:
  
  
• My mother constantly and immediate saying something negative when I try to motivate her to change her ways. :kickingmyself:
  

theslowesthand said: ↑

I once thought of having a video scanner, & going to garage sales taking the video, and then using software to recognise each item, in case its a rare/expensive item, & then buying it right then (& re-selling). Just one of my crazy project ideas i've had over the years...

I had the same idea when looking at a clearance rack at a store, and after some research found it's not as crazy as of an idea as I thought! If it's something you wouldn't mind putting some work into and would enjoy, it could be a nice side income or even a full time income if you were really serious about it :thumbup:

jinxed said: ↑

i cannot sleep yet. i slept throughout the day and it was hard to get up and then i did some stuff and now i can't sleep yet but i guess i have to get to sleep soon anyway.

I hope you get the sleep you need jinxed, as it is important. But don't overdo it darling. 🙂

Feeling lost. I dont feel as though I know who I truly am. I feel as I'm a stranger to myself.
I've taken opioids and had a few drinks to make me feel numb. Maybe I'll do a heath ledger.

PugofCrydee said: ↑

Feeling lost. I dont feel as though I know who I truly am. I feel as I'm a stranger to myself.

You as well, eh? Story o' ma life pretty much. :sad:


Barely slept last night, worrying about the usual family drama. :kickingmyself: Dosed off at one o'clock then banged up half past 3 this morning, fully awake for no reason whatsoever. Other than thinking it was later than it actually was. Then couldn't get back to sleep. F*ckin' hate that! :thumbdown:

Oh, and I'm nervous as f*ck about teaching my oldest sister the bass guitar. :omg:

Graeme1988 said: ↑

Oh, and I'm nervous as f*ck about teaching my oldest sister the bass guitar. :omg:

Doesn't worry graeme, it'll be pretty bassic (wee play on words there)

theslowesthand said: ↑

Doesn't worry graeme, it'll be pretty bassic (wee play on words there)

🤭 :perfect: Thanks. Needed that right now. :thumbup:

Going crazy by myself. But that's kinda my typical night really. So, i'm playing hard/passionate rock music (led zeppelin), getting drunk on cider ("headache juice"), eating chocolate, got my "disco" lights (xmas tree lights) on. What would make it even better would be if my stereo was working, so i could play the youtube music thru that, but i'll just make do with headphones plugged into my laptop.

Bored... Sitting here waitin' n' hoping that this file recovery I've been running for 3 days now restores all my music files. :praying:

Other than that, I desperate want to get tha f*ck outta the house for a month or more. Like actually physical being somewhere else. Seriously hatin' the vibe - depressing, tense. Naebuddy's really happy. It's $h!te. :sad: But ah can't leave or Mum will kill herself. :kickingmyself: Ha!

And they huv the nerve to accuse me of resorting to being manipulative and emotional blackmail to get my way? :thumbdown:
At least I follow through when I say I'm gonnae do summit, if I feel it's right. Unlike them, who like to talk a big game n' do f*ck all.

Graeme1988 said: ↑

And they huv the nerve to accuse me of resorting to being manipulative and emotional blackmail to get my way? :thumbdown:
At least I follow through when I say I'm gonnae do summit, if I feel it's right. Unlike them, who like to talk a big game n' do f*ck all

Perhaps your mother is "talking a big game" (suicide), but would actually do "feck all" :question:
She might be using that threat as a way to get you to back down from your threat to leave? But obviously it means a hell of a lot to her, to use that (suicide) as a threat. But what if you try to get her used to the idea over time, saying that she'll be alright, she'll cope, etc? (as i've gotten used to the idea of not living at my home & going flatting with sby - it's tooken time, with lots of worries & bad days, but the worries have gradually abated & ceased to worry me).

theslowesthand said: ↑

Perhaps your mother is "talking a big game" (suicide), but would actually do "feck all" :question:
She might be using that threat as a way to get you to back down from your threat to leave? But obviously it means a hell of a lot to her, to use that (suicide) as a threat. But what if you try to get her used to the idea over time, saying that she'll be alright, she'll cope, etc? (as i've gotten used to the idea of not living at my home & going flatting with sby - it's tooken time, with lots of worries & bad days, but the worries have gradually abated & ceased to worry me).

Ya think so? :question: I'm no entirely sure. :idontknow: Just by the way she's making it all about her n' sayin' how we - her own kids - treat her like crap, lately. Despite me being tha f*ckin' peacekeeper as of late, and keeping out the way as much as possible. I mean, I'm the yin who actually gave suggestions on how things could improve, but... nope ! I'm a selfish so n' so for even trying to discuss those in a mature manner ie. Like adults. No shouting or swearing.

I'm starting to wonder if there's more truth to that quip I made about my older sister only huvin time for self-reflection when she's lookin' in the mirror.

Plus, ah tried getting my moher used to the idea of being independent. With my oldest sister praising how well I coped when our mother would visit the middle sibling, when she was living over in Ireland. How I'd plan out the grocery shopping for that week she was away, and make sure I had what I needed. But she'd never acknowledge that I could actually cope without her. She'd be quite dismissive, actually. Even now, she's trying with all she's got to take away my independence to make my own breakfast in the morning. :oh: