I'm old. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin, sort of stretched, like… butter scraped over too much bread. I feel I need a holiday. A very long holiday. I don't expect I shall return…in fact I mean not to.
Woke up on the wrong side of the bed (anxiety). Had a few beers. Done some novel shit. 100% f*cked. Now i'm thinking how easy it would be to overdose. I wish to god tho that there wasn't a choice.
Been talking to myself every unoccupied moment I've had of last few days or so. My dad does it, my grandma did, as well my mother - I think it's going to always be one way my anxiety manifests itself. I'll try to take this as a good thing, as it's an indication that something I'm doing isn't quite right. I know the last week it't been sleep. A lot of nights (this one included) I find myself staying up later than I should, and tiredness (at least for me) is a major enemy of mental health. I get tired, and I find every thought struggling to stay in my head and out of my voice box. If I get more sleep, I'll talk to myself less.
Im feeling really anxious and depressed today. I just feel so defeated in every corner I take. I am always finding good things that may perhaps make good times but everything seems to crumble when I think or react to rug's stuff. Like his cigarette smells and hairspray- just getting close to him gets me sick, then there is everything else and I just dont have the energy anymore to intiate things and be the tourist guide in the relationship anymore. Even when Im doing my bit to make myself happy, then when I meet him and his standards for himself are so low that it bothers me as I used to try to do everything - be on it all because he couldnt do those things himself really but now I jsut want some back but he is in a different unhygneic world to me.
That b*stard black dog is back (depression). I'm struggling to "stay afloat". It's not bad depression, but it's bad enough to affecting me in a bad way (eg thoughts of death). I dare say i'll, as always, somehow make it through to the other side. But i wish i could pin my feelings down to more than just "depressed". I wonder if "stress" has caused it? I have no idea. :sad:
:idontknow: I feel like I should just give up any hopes of things ever getting better for me.
Since it's clear that things will never change and I'll never be good enough. :sad: Even if were to get a place of my own, I'd still get called every name under the sun for doing so. :kickingmyself: Cuz that's how my family see me... The selfish, inconsiderate c*nt who only thinks o' himself. :thumbdown:
:crying: :kickingmyself: I can only hope next year turns out better for me than this year has. And I'd so much hope that things were gonnae change for the better in my life, too. :sad:
It's quite depressing when ya fully realise that the reason yer stuck in a rut is because the toxic people around ye, who constantly underestimating yer abilities, always judging ye and putting you down. Yet, it's odd how my family don't like me doing any of the aformentioned things I just stated to them. :idontknow:
I don't feel i've EVER get out the rut i'm in with life. It's just not gonna happen, as i'm WAY too stuck in my ways & mindset. :kickingmyself: :omg: :sad:
I've had to endure n' put up with my family's Jekyl n' Hyde nice one minute. I'm fed-up being the only person in my immediate family who handles arguments in a calm, mature manner. And being swore at when I point out how them shouting doesn't help their argument. :idontknow: Or constantly being told to just ignore the shouty arguments. Or them playing the victim, blaming me and giving me the silent treatment whenever I call them on their behaviour. And my mother and older sisters huv the nerve to lecture me about showing them respect when they don't show me that same courtesy. :veryangry: :kickingmyself:
That kind of shit is like acid for your self esteem... and I would know.
Tell me about it... My self-esteem isn't great. :sad: But, sadly, that's how it is when you got yer family constantly contradicting ya and tell you that yer always wrong. :🙁:
Anyway, on the positive side, this song has really lifted my mood, lately. 😀
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