It's that part in life, where I have to go all out, and start interacting with people. It's really amazing how others seem to just whiz past you, and start making 'friends' like as if they've known each other - even before meeting in person - it's like some joke is being played on you.
Every 'loner' I meet, usually suffers from some sort of psychological disorders/problems (schizophrenia, lack of emotional attention) and for some reason, I'm not fast in seeing that - you see, it's amazing how cleverly they mask it from others.
And it often makes me wonder - is there even the slightest chance of meeting someone with social anxiety, in person, and that too, with complete luck? It seems impossible to meet them in real life, but then again, one can't expect someone with social anxiety to just come up to you, and talk.
With regard to being slightly anxious, I think it's like playing a video game - Only that you're playing the video game called 'Life' on the 'Hardest' difficulty level - has anyone else ever noticed?.
:thinking: Think of it, all the anxiety, the challenges, the emotions, the... Difficulties??? I really think it's easy to relate.
Listening to Metallica - Hardwired To Self Destruct - one of my least favorite of their albums. Only listened to it once before today. That's how fuucked i am right now. I'm shit-outta-luck fuucked.
That album actually got me through the past month. 🤭 Just blasting it via iTunes through my headphones. A great counter-noise to sounds shouty family arguments going on downstairs. :thumbdown:
Well, what a difference a year makes, huh? Last year I was the bad guy for speaking ma mind. Now, the dysfunctional, narcissistic, Bitches from Hell who are my immediate family are telling me I was right all along. Of course, ah wus f*ckin' right! I'm the so-called "brains" in my family. Which is a heavy burden to bare when those around you are jealousy of how you're not lazy when it comes to getting things done, and done right :omg: I mean it only took my middle sister's marriage going sh!t. But who care if I predicted that divorce 3 to 5 year afore it happened? :sad: But who cares, at least I'm not the inconsiderate, ungrateful fatherless child anymore
Plus, ye learn a lot about people when ye just shut the f*ck up, or don't talk much, around them. And in my family, that mask of politeness and nicety slips pretty effin' sharpish as soon as ye say the wrong word to my middle sister. :thumbdown:
I'll never find a woman. As the ones i like, i'm too scared to ask out, for fear of rejection. In my mind i just "KNOW" i'll be rejected, but i never allow myself to know for sure. Maybe i prefer to live in the "fantasy land" of believing they "like" me, when they actually don't like me like that?
Going abroad therefore, is a kind of torture for me, as i see young women, but i can't interact with any of them (how i would like). :sad:
Like ah should just give up... I'm never gonnae be free to live ma life on ma terms. So, whit's the point? :idontknow: There's nae point trying to reason with them, since they only ever huv concerns for themselves. They say otherwise, but their words don't match their actions. Ah mean, if yer a reasonable person then why tha f*ck go mental at being told the honest truth? 😕 And I'm the unreasonable one?! :veryangry:
My middle sister is right, I am stuck in a rut. Mainly because I can't get much peace n' quiet lately. :kickingmyself:
Also, it's bloody depressing being proven right about my family lately. :sad:
Don't like the thoughts going through my head, at the moment. :sad:
Ah think I might just give up any hope of things changing, since I'm the only f*cker willing to make an effort. Ma family are just being pessimistic, selfish bitches, saying I only think aboot myself. Aye, sure. That's why I do as I'm told and offer to help out and try to be positive, isn't it? :kickingmyself:
I don't know what to do anymore? :idontknow: Everytime I try to the right thing, I'm wrong. Whenever I keep quiet, I'm wrong.
If I speak up, I'm... :crying:
I'm the "family therapist" now... F*CK SAKE!! :kickingmyself:
They acknowledge the bloody problems, but they'll do f*ck all to change their way. Aye, saying it is all well n' good, how about actually doing it, eh? Oh wait, they will blame me for their problems, and say it's my fault. :thumbdown:
Ah mean, whit um ah supposed to do, huh?! Ah cannnae change for them. It's no me who's been treating them like crap and losing ma temper every time summit goes wrong. :oh:
Feeling a cloud of doubt hovering above me, causing identity crises occasionally. Well, I know it's sort of normal at this age, but the anxiety still causes me to get lost in thought randomly. Well, I've had worse moments...
I'm a bit nervous, I think the concert tickets for the next show I am going to include a "meet and greet" session with the musician, which I know for a normal person would be an awesome opportunity to say hello to someone they think highly of. I, of course, am not normal and would rather just not meet and spoil my fantasies of meeting the people of my iPod, fantasies which I have a feeling always go more smoothly than the real thing.
I mean, this is going to be the third time I'm going to see her in concert, and I've been listening to her music for almost a decade now. It's been a consistent staple to always fall back on through the ups and downs of my life over that time. I hate the idea of losing that because I don't know how to properly interact with other human beings.
Having suicidal thoughts. I don't know why. I just am. :sad:
I want those dangerous thoughts to go away, but the feeling of wishing i were dead remains. Oh well, i'm playing music now (hard rock & stoner metal); that'll probably help, at least a bit, to get me through the night.
Having suicidal thoughts. I don't know why. I just am. :sad:
I want those dangerous thoughts to go away, but the feeling of wishing i were dead remains. Oh well, i'm playing music now (hard rock & stoner metal); that'll probably help, at least a bit, to get me through the night.
I often have suicidal thoughts. Along the lines of 'why am I fking here?', or 'what does it matter being here?'.
But I keep on being here in the hope I'll find some form of being content and happiness one day.
Pissed off and really unfocused. :veryangry: :kickingmyself: But then it's difficult to reading a book when shouty family arguments are happening in the living room, directly below my bedroom. Also, I think I might go deaf, listening to the ambient music via my headphones at above normal decibel levels.
Ah wish ma Mum would yell back to my middle sister like she does with me when we have shouty arguments. Or just do as I did a few months ago, and tut at her and ask if she hears what she sounds like, yelling and shouting like a spoiled brat. Oh wait, she is exactly that... Cuz our Mum does everything for her. :oh:
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