How are you feeling?

[Graeme1988]

^ It sounds like your mother and sisters are just extremely immature people who have never really bothered to GROW UP.
They act like teenagers.

Btw......true Feminists don't actually believe "all men are b@$%@#s".
Your mother and sisters are not true Feminists, Graeme. They just use that as a cloak to cover their immaturity, just as some people use religion for the same reason.

Oh, I know all that. But that doesn't make them any easier to live with. For example, my older sister will fly into a rage over the most trivial things. Beit an opinion she doesn't agree with, or the way you said something.

"Whit d'ye mean? Why did ye say it like that then?! Aw, f**k off!"​

And they hate if I talk back to them. Especially if they're insisting upon me doing something, and I refuse. Christ! I still, to this day, remember when my oldest sister took issue with me talking back, and storm off. She was coming upstairs to my room, desperately wanting to tell me something, but I really needed a pee.

"Wait til ye hear this..."
"Well, cun it wait a wee bit longer? I need to pee"
"No! Just let me tell..."
"Look, I'm seriously going to piss myself if I keep standing here. So, if ye cun wait just a few seconds, I'll..."​

Before I even finish, my oldest sister is in a huff. Storms downstairs, tells mum to eff off when she asks what's the matter. Slams the front door, revs her car and drives. And when my mum asked what happened, I tell her. We laughed about for a bit, then I something to the affect: "Hard to believe I'm the youngest, innit?"

Apologises for the stories, there. Just using them to show yer point is correct, Blue.
It's weird how my oldest sister likes to claim that we turned out alright, despite not having a father. Yet, how they act compared to me, says otherwise.

What makes you say that about therapy graeme? I know i'm sceptical also of therapy working, but i'm actually in therapy now, and using it as a "last resort" - it's good surely for that at least? :question:
Don't give up mate, things aren't as bad as they seem.

Because that's the attitude within my family, like most in Scotland, when it comes to therapy. Never talk about yer problems, since family and friends treat ye different once ye open up. Case in point, my mum did telling me to kill myself. But y'know... "it was only a joke".

Plus, the woman I went to see for therapy, made the excuse that my mum and sisters still loved me, despite how they treated me in past. Which basically stopped any discussion of my upbringing possibly being a contributing factor to my social anxiety. So... Just forget about it, as my mum always says. :idontknow: Guess being neglected, made to feel inferior just comes with being the youngest in the family? :question:

 

[theslowesthand]

Plus, the woman I went to see for therapy, made the excuse that my mum and sisters still loved me, despite how they treated me in past. Which basically stopped any discussion of my upbringing possibly being a contributing factor to my social anxiety. So... Just forget about it, as my mum always says. :idontknow:

Well it's your choice man. Maybe therapy's not the thing for you - as ye need to be open-minded & a bit flexible, for it to have any chance of working.

Guess being neglected, made to feel inferior just comes with being the youngest in the family? :question:

Michael Jackson was the youngest in his family, yet he was the most successful.

 

[Kiwong]

I'm going through a rough patch. I can't remember a day where I didn't cry.

Sorry to hear that, Joule, must be really rough and fearful too.

 

[Graeme1988]

Like I should just give up. Don't see much point in anything anymore.

My family seem to think it's fair to lie and be manipulative towards me. Promising me things then never deliver. But, apparently I'm too demanding and expect too much for them. Or, according to something my sister said to me last month, I'm too much of a perfectionist, and don't express a great deal of confidence in my family's ability to keep their word. Well, having been letdown so many times in the past, can you really blame for being cynical and pessimistic?

And, y'know, sorry if I'm one of those c*nts who belives that if yer going to do something, at least, doing it right. Or attempt such. If yer just going to have a lazy, obnoxious, "Yeah, whatever..." Don't-give-a-f**k attitude about it, then don't bother. Is that perfectionism? :question: If so, I'll happily lower my standards to non-existed.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well it's your choice man. Maybe therapy's not the thing for you - as ye need to be open-minded & a bit flexible, for it to have any chance of working.

I know. It's just difficult to be open-minded and flexible when those around you are constantly contradicting you, everytime you express your opinion or make a decision for yerself. As well as being domineering towards you, and pretty close-minded themselves.

My mum pretty much lives in denial, since she doesn't like acknowledging any problems, aside from the physical. Thus why I made the remark about therapy being a waste of time, because I got lectured and shamed by her for even entertaining that as an option.

Though, I think the reason therapy didnae work for me is because I wasn't getting much, if any, support from my family. Since it was just another gossip topic to them. My mum pretty much resented me for doing it, asking me why I felt I needed it everytime before I leave for a session. Which would put me in a shitty mood, but I couldn't open with that at the start of every session.

"Hiya! How's things? Well... not great. My mum is constantly questioning why I'm keeping those appointments every week. Doesnae believe that me talkin' to you will do me much good in the end" Which would be a bit counterproductive to me.

And I'd probably have quit after my first session if I did. Since, even I tried to discuss therapy was as an option, my mum didn't want me going. Since, she didnae want me opening up to a complete stranger about what it was like for me growing up. My mother insistence upon raising me in a religion I had no faith I had no faith in – pardon the pun. The scapegoating of me as the cause of everyone else’s problems.

And y’know, my mum’s bitter, hate-filled rants about relationships, which were basically lectures on why ye should remain single. Oddly enough, it was just me who seemed to trigger these rants whenever attempting to discuss that topic with my mum in a calm, civil manner. Or she’d just go off on one after my dad paid us a brief visit, unannounced.

Michael Jackson was the youngest in his family, yet he was the most successful.

Yeah, but Michael was also a musical genius, and perfectionist - like most musicians. Also, he was successfull from a very young age, which affected him negatively later in life. As is the case with most famous actors/actresses and musicians who are pushed to be famous and successful by their parents. Not that I disagree with what you’ve said.

 

[Kiwong]

My mind has had enough it is saying no to these worries, I have to get away from them.

 

[Graeme1988]

I understand I have a family member tell me that I am lazy when I say I have no motivation. Is that the reason you are depressed due to your physical disability? Just curious.

Oh yeah, I’d say my physical disability is a big contributor to why I struggle with depression and anxiety. And the lack of understanding from my family as far as this stupid notion that I have no right or reason to be or feel depressed. The physical limitations due to my disability? The social isolation? The fact they – my family – talk down to me, like I’m dumb? But I supposedly one of only two “really smart” people in my family. :kickingmyself: h:

Just try and see what happens.

Okay. But it’s going to result in a fair few arguments, and me being sworn at. Since my mum and older siblings don’t like when I challenge them and ask why they always give me so much grief. And they’ve always enjoyed passing the blame onto me, even when I did nothing wrong, and me feel guilty. Oh you name it – crocodile tears, playing the victim. Anything to deflect from them, even though it’s usually them who are in the wrong, and should take responsibility.

So he knew by your long silences and awkward interaction? i guess he know knows what he did to her.

Well, yeah, whenever the three of us were in sitting In the living room together, there were a lotta long, awkward silences. We barely said a word to each other, even during my wee “reunion” with my dad. And I couldn’t just go: “So… what have you been up to for the last 14 years of my life?”

Was he in the presence while she went on these rants?

Oh Christ, no! He’d have been raging if he was – because he wasn’t exactly spoken of in a good light during my mother's rants. Anyway, the rants always started shortly after my dad’s visits ended, as soon as my mum waved him off as he drove away and she shut the front door. Then these man-hating rants would start. But hypocritical, I was told to give my dad “a chance” and that he “wasn’t a bad person, really”.

She'd also go off on one whenever I brought up the topic of relationships. :idonknow:

So you met them a couple of times but it was very brief?

Yeah, I’ve briefly met six of my half-siblings on my dad’s family at various points in my life. And went to my first music concert with one of them. But we didn’t really make small-talk or get to know one another, as I brought one of my schoolmates and my half-sister, Bella, brought her boyfriend along. So, I could hardly start asking about our dad. It’d have been a bit awkward.

 

[AtTheGates]

I FINALLY I get a day off from work!


on a completly different note , I saw this documentary trailer a few days ago and tbh I wasnt going to share it with anyone because I figured they'd think "wow thats lame af. you're a loser" or something like that ...


but then I realized that I dont care about that . you can judge me how ever you want. whats more important is the positive vibes that this video exudes .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6CLeApNY8Y

 

[defiance]

I need a job and yet when a possible offer comes my way I freak out, panic, and get severe anxiety.:kickingmyself: Then I make up a lie to so I can avoid it. I just can't win man I just can't FU*CKING WIN.:crying:

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I need a job and yet when a possible offer comes my way I freak out, panic, and get severe anxiety.:kickingmyself: Then I make up a lie to so I can avoid it. I just can't win man I just can't FU*CKING WIN.:crying:

Just out of curiosity, what is your degree in or do you have a college degree?

 

[defiance]

Just out of curiosity, what is your degree in or do you have a college degree?

I do have a degree but I'd rather not say what it is in. I am ashamed that I wasted time on it. It sounds weird I know but you will have to forgive me. The thing is there are jobs that I have applied for and have even gone as far as to test for them. That is a pretty big deal for me to go that far out of my comfort zone. I didn't end up getting them but hey I did try. The funny thing is that I have had a job before about 3 years ago. I worked there for 4 years and there was a lot of socializing that went with it. It wasn't easy for me and it never really got easy but I did it because well I didn't have much of a choice. The thing that annoys me the most is that since I do have experience working, I thought it would be a bit easier to go out there and get a job but nope it has been the exact opposite. It is just so frustrating. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Not doing to well, but that's me most days. :sad:

Aside from the odd musing about death, I've just been wondering how many more chances I'm going to give my family. Y'know, before I finally snap and tell them what I really think of them. Since they seem to like talking me into keeping them around, then disappointing me whenever I ask something of them. Betraying my trust. Well, what little I have in them.

But I'm never allowed tell them how that makes me feel. Since a mere question as to why they do this, and all hell breaks loose. :kickingmyself: With my mum and oldest sibling have the nerve to accuse me of being bully and picking on them. When they frequent preessure and guilt me into doing things for them. Or that I'm ungrateful, despite how frequently I offer to do things for them; beit fixing my sister's laptop when asked, orhelping out around the house. h:

Oh, and they cry as well. :crying: So, y'know... gives ye an idea of the maturity level when it comes to dealing with negative criticism. I really need to get a place of my own before my mid-30s. Can't go on like this much longer.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I do have a degree but I'd rather not say what it is in. I am ashamed that I wasted time on it. It sounds weird I know but you will have to forgive me. The thing is there are jobs that I have applied for and have even gone as far as to test for them. That is a pretty big deal for me to go that far out of my comfort zone. I didn't end up getting them but hey I did try. The funny thing is that I have had a job before about 3 years ago. I worked there for 4 years and there was a lot of socializing that went with it. It wasn't easy for me and it never really got easy but I did it because well I didn't have much of a choice. The thing that annoys me the most is that since I do have experience working, I thought it would be a bit easier to go out there and get a job but nope it has been the exact opposite. It is just so frustrating. :sad:

No worries. It's difficult for a lot of us in America right now, even myself. I get paid a little more than the minimum wage (I get paid $8.00/hr) and with almost 35 hours a week still cannot afford a place for myself, it's pathetic in my eyes and I have graduated college. The unemployment rate may be as low as it's ever been (around 4% I think?) but that isn't much of a consolation.

 

[Graeme1988]

 

[Psychedelicious]

the feels

I feel like I may be losing my mind. Well what's left of it anyways. *_**

 

[defiance]

This mind and body of mine are working together to destroy me.

 

[Graeme1988]

This mind and body of mine are working together to destroy me.

I believe mine is also doing the same. Which I've just accepted, I'm on the way oot as it is. No point delaying the decline much longer. Sorry, just venting and being pessimistic.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well that's f**kin' great... Just had another argument with my mum. Y'know, same ol' shite. I'm a bully, why do I always get mad at her. Playing the victim caird (Sorry - card). Didn't mispell that, said it in Scots, in case yer wondering.

Anyway, my mum doesn't seem to realise that the reason I and my oldest sister tend to shout and lose our tempers with her a lot, is because she never listens to us. Never! For example, I explained her something just a few hours. Nothing to complex, simple in fact. And she immediately forgot it within half an hours of me saying it. :kickingmyself:

Then she feigned f**kin' dementia and pleaded with me to explain it again. h: So, I did. But after having to explain it to her for thee third-f**kin'-time, I wrongly or understandable lost my temper, after she said this: "Yer always falling oot with me. Why d'ye dae it aw tha time"

To which I angrily responsed: "Well, if you actually f**kin' listen tae me fur once in yer f**kin' life, it wouldnae be like this! But ye never listen to me, so why bother? Too much ask, innit?" :veryangry:​

I wonder how many more years of this domineering, self-pitying bullsh*t ah cun endure afore I finally off, myself? :thinking:

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I need a job and yet when a possible offer comes my way I freak out, panic, and get severe anxiety.:kickingmyself: Then I make up a lie to so I can avoid it. I just can't win man I just can't FU*CKING WIN.:crying:

So, excuse me to be annoying, but you know you're making up lies to avoid putting yourself through the hell of the interview. All you have to do to win is not give yourself the option to not go to the interview. Doesn't matter if you stutter and humiliate yourself, as long as you attempt to it.

 

[defiance]

So, excuse me to be annoying, but you know you're making up lies to avoid putting yourself through the hell of the interview. All you have to do to win is not give yourself the option to not go to the interview. Doesn't matter if you stutter and humiliate yourself, as long as you attempt to it.

I totally agree with you. In fact it is my fault for not putting this into that writing at the time but I have gone to interviews before and yet for some reason the experience was such that I just don't want to do it again. In fact I have done it a few times and I have done 2 phone interviews. So I have put myself out there. It's just with me, for whatever reason, the more I do something I am expecting it to get at least a little easier but it just doesn't. In some cases it gets harder. It really upsets me when I take the proper steps and go soooo far out of my comfort zone to do something only to have it backfire by not getting any easier. I'm not going to give up though I will get a job before this year is over even if it kills me. I am determined to make it happen....somehow.