How are you feeling?

[grapevine]

Well- just looked in my partner's online-FB photos in his folders to find photos of me on walks.
Have photophobia and BDD. I shouldnt have looked.

Now I just feel hiding for life again! Errrr.

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't you love it when you say something stupid and then you just sit there rummaging through your head trying to remember all the other bone-headed shit you've said in your life?

Yep! I have many an embarrassing moment like this. mg: h:

 

[defiance]

I've always viewed intense & ongoing suffering as a means to an end. It a sign, or symptom, that things out "out of whack" & need changing. It's not suffering just for it's own sake, but suffering for a reason. It's your job to find out the reason(s), & to try to rectify them, for as long as it takes (some issues take years to resolve).

Yeah I have always felt the same way. There is a cause for the suffering and we owe it to ourselves to figure out what it is assuming we don't already know. The scary thing is when you do know the cause and you can't fix it. That's when you really start to think if seeing another day is even worth it.

 

[defiance]

THE OLD MAN STRIKES AGAIN!!!!!! What did he do this time to make everyone mad? Well there is an event we need to go to and he knows he needs a suit. We told him MILLIONS of times weeks before the event that we can take you to the store to get one and what did he say? "No I'll go with a friend to get a suit and you guys need to stop bugging me about it as it is making me mad." Fine fair enough. Fast forward to today. Literally hours before the event he calls my Mom and says "Yeah so when can we go and get that suit?":veryangry:. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME OLD MAN ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? YOU KNOW WE ARE ALL RUNNING AROUND GETTING LAST SECOND THINGS DONE.....YOU KNOW WE TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU WAITED TILL THE LAST SECOND WE WOULDN'T HAVE TIME TO HELP YOU AND YET THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES. NOW WE ARE ALL BEHIND ON OUR SCHEDULE AND MY MOM IS FURIOUS.

I'm worried all this stress and anger she is feeling because of him might cause something serious to happen to her:crying:. I can't function if she isn't in my life and I am beyond scared that this b@stards behavior might cause so much stress that she ends up getting hurt somehow. The dark cloud lingers and there is no hope of any light in sight for the foreseeable future.:crying: To think I thought this year things were going to change for the better.....yeah right. And how is that? Was I going to win the lottery or something....I better stop here because all of this is causing me more stress which is now making my chest hurt. When my stress levels get this high I start getting chest pains so I need to go and defuse somehow.

 

[Graeme1988]

Has she been drinking ~24 pepsi's a week? That's about 3 per day, every day. Seems a bit much. A relative of mine had diabetes two; he drank cokes constantly - had a separate fridge full of them; mind you he worked at a coca cola factory. He died of cancer, but who knows if the diabetes was a contributing or at least complicating factor.

Wouldn't know how much Pepsi she drinks exactly. Since most of the cartons tend to just sit there for weeks, unopened. And end up being expired by the time they are eventually opened. She drinks more than I do, I know that for sure.

But I frequently see a bottle or small glass of it sitting beside the microwave on the kitchen counter, whenever I come downstairs for something to eat. Either there or on the table in the living room. The empty can usually sitting next to glass. And I dare not ask, since my mum tends to react angrily if I ask what would appear to be a reasonable question. I usually get an angry: “Ah don’t know!”, said in the same tone as someone who’s in a stroppy mood.

Maybe your mum can't change her ways, as her attitudes are "etched in stone"?

Can't or won't? Not that it makes much difference, however ye contextualise it. She certainly seems set in her ways. I've gave up trying to get through to her. :sad: But I'm always the one who gets f**ked over for trying to be a good person and do the right thing. Me and the oldest sibling are the ones who getting it worst, in terms of our mum flipping out at us. It's the only time she'll ever swear - particular at me.

Man, your family seems like a "minefield" - put a foot wrong, and you step on a mine, and it explodes! . Or a complex labyrnth (with mines in it)!

Not the comparison I’d make, but still apt, nonetheless. Don’t feel too sorry for me, though. I’ve gotten used to how they are and just accepted my place. And it’s not so much put a foot wrong. More if ye say a wrong word or express an opinion they had no influence over, then they’ll be used it against you. I'm not even allowed to utter a single critical word against them. But they called me a selfish, ungrateful ___________ every time I criticise them, or if I refuse something for them. Oh boy, they don't like that. Plus, because I also don't ascribe to their irrational feminist philosophy, my mum and older sisters basically hate me.

But I've got to that stage where I'm so numb to the dysfunction going on around me, that I just don't care anymore. Never take sides. Don't even know if it's good or bad that this is case? :questions:

 

[theslowesthand]

Don't you love it when you say something stupid and then you just sit there rummaging through your head trying to remember all the other bone-headed shit you've said in your life?

Don't you mean "Don't you hate it when..."?

 

[theslowesthand]

Yeah I have always felt the same way. There is a cause for the suffering and we owe it to ourselves to figure out what it is assuming we don't already know. The scary thing is when you do know the cause and you can't fix it. That's when you really start to think if seeing another day is even worth it.

What if that "cause" is only really the trigger, and the true cause of the suffering is something deep inside of you? :question:

 

[theslowesthand]

Wouldn't know how much Pepsi she drinks exactly. Since most of the cartons tend to just sit there for weeks, unopened. And end up being expired by the time they are eventually opened. She drinks more than I do, I know that for sure.

All that caffeine can make a person always irritable/aggro. Perhaps that's why she "flips out" over little things? :question:

It's usually fine to drink expired soda; might taste a bit different, or be a bit flat, at worst. So her drinking the expired soda won't be eg increasing the amount of caffeine/additives/sugar/etc.

 

[Graeme1988]

All that caffeine can make a person always irritable/aggro. Perhaps that's why she "flips out" over little things? :question:

Can it? Well then, there's probably a link? :thinking: Again, I wouldn't know since I rarely question her outbursts, just brace myself for them. And I've cut back my caffeine intake over the last year and a half. Don't even drink tea as much as I used to.

It's usually fine to drink expired soda; might taste a bit different, or be a bit flat, at worst. So her drinking the expired soda won't be eg increasing the amount of caffeine/additives/sugar/etc.

Grand to know. erfect: Since I occassionally drink a couple cans or bottles of Irn Bru.

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm dreading the news of my mum's upcoming doctor's appointment. Ah feel her being diagnosis with diabetes will break me. :sad: As I can't see myself coping with the responsibility of care for her. Since she's difficult to live. Stubborn in the extreme, that I can't motivate her do things to help herself. And there's no reasoning with her if she wants her way.

Might sound ironic coming from a guy as stout as me, but I fear she'll physically lash out at me again, despite my good intentions to help her.
And I don't want a repeat of that scissors incident or worse.

 

[AtTheGates]

I'm pretty much Bob Ross without the afro,beard, and soft voice.


I can't stand when people kill my Bob Ross vibe.

 

[defiance]

What if that "cause" is only really the trigger, and the true cause of the suffering is something deep inside of you? :question:

I mean I just don't enjoy life. Nothing brings me joy anymore really. At its core maybe that's what it is. All other things stem from the fact that I don't find life enjoyable and I am more often than not scared and depressed. If you look at my situation, you might come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be this way but I can't control it. That is where it started from. During my teen years I started to feel less attached to the things that once brought me joy. The world lost all its color and it was only gray is one way to put it I suppose.

 

[defiance]

I'm pretty much Bob Ross without the afro,beard, and soft voice.


I can't stand when people kill my Bob Ross vibe.

Bob Ross. I remember watching him in the early 90's. Loved his art and how calm and relaxing his voice and demeanor were. So sad he had to pass away so soon. Thank you for posting these pictures because this reminded me of a time when I was genuinely happy and watching him definitely made me happy.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

I think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My asshole neighbor has been playing his electric guitar ALL FREAKING DAY without a break. Volume way too high for an apartment building. I can't confront him because of my SA; nor can I complain to the office because of SA, no one will be there now, and somehow it will all be my fault in their tiny, defective, corporate automaton minds (always blame the victim if you can). I can't beat on the wall or call the cops because that will escalate the conflict (again, my fault). h:

I CANNOT HANDLE ANOTHER NEIGHBOR WAR!!! :crying:

I got into one eleven years ago, and it shattered my nerves. It's one of the main reasons I have social anxiety today. No tolerance for conflict or confrontation. Living in an almost constant state of fear. Never going outside because I might run into somebody. A living death in the shadows of life.

I can't think straight anymore. My every thought is disrupted by this inconsiderate jerk and his godfuckawful noise. Every peaceful, minding-my-own-business thought is replaced by one of violence. I hear the call of the baseball bat standing ready in the hall, and I am fiercely tempted to heed it. :bat:

I am literally shaking with rage, fear, agitation, and other emotions I can't even identify. How did I ever come to be so powerless to act on my own behalf? How did I get stuck in this shitstain of an apartment complex in this armpit of a town? I could easily buy a house or two or ten, but I live in a sewer with the turds of the world because I lack whatever it is I need to rise out of the squalor. Motivation? Tenacity? Big brass hairy balls? I don't even know anymore; whatever it is, I ain't got it. :idontknow:

And it doesn't matter anymore, either. I'm never getting out of here. I'm never going to live a free and happy life with no landlords robbing me every month and no asshole neighbors tormenting me daily through every window, floor, and wall. No way out. No way but the final way, the one that will solve all my troubles once and for all.

 

[Marc7]

Wouldn't know. The day after my 16th birthday my cousin just stopped speaking to me. Never returned either mine or my mum's phone calls when trying get in touch with him.

That's messed up and unfortunate.

I don't see the point mentioning it. Since my mum and sisters won't see it from my perspective. They seem to find it difficult to empathise with my situation because of my disability. I've just accepted the fact that I'm always having to apologise when I've done nothing wrong. And have to take pity on my mum and sisters because they're incapable of taking responsibility for their words and actions. It's easier to blame someone else for yer problems, than accept your part in creating them.

And it just so happens they blame me. The one person they say they could live without, and think so highly of. And yet treat me like crap, boss me around and what not.

What do you mean they find it difficult to empathize with you because of your disability? Why don't you stop apologizing to them and see what happens. They said they could live without you?

Oh yeah, he knew alright. A few years before I cut contact with him, my dad somewhat jokingly threatened me because I never gave into to his demands to come visit his side of the family. He says this as he gets up from the couch to leave. In response I sarcastically went: "Is how you usually get yer way? If so, ye could be bit a nicer. Anyway, I'll think about it and let ya know".

Never did visit. Mainly because my dad's side of the family were proper middle-class, educated. Whereas the side I was raised by - predominately working-class. Not particularly well educated, going by the admissions of my mum and a couple of cousins. I mean, I'm the one who always touted as the "smart one" in my immediate family.

How did he know what your mother said about him? You never visited your father's side of the family or they never visited you?

Pretty much. And I don't want to have justify my reasons for doing it, before and after - were I to apply for dual citizenship. It's just... Well, after awhile, ye get tired of having to justify your reasons for doing something that will only affect you at the end of the day.

I see.

Can't tell you if I did or not. But once I'm logged back into this site via my laptop, I'll be able to tell you if I got your chat message. :thumbup:

Okay I'll send you a message back.

 

[Graeme1988]

That's messed up and unfortunate.

Indeed! But I've come to terms with it, somewhat.

What do you mean they find it difficult to empathize with you because of your disability?

Well, they seem to think I have it easy in life. They keep saying that they know how difficult life must be for me at times. Yet, are cold and distance whenever I tried to explain just how tough it really is for me. My Mum has told me frequently that my physical disability is no reason for me to be depressed. And that me saying I feel depressed and anxious... Those are just excuses I use so I can be lazy.

Why don't you stop apologizing to them and see what happens.

If only I could, but it's not that easy. Mainly because I'm usually scapegoated or manipulated by my family to the point where I feel I have to apologise.

They said they could live without you?

Oops! typing error, that should've said couldn't, there. h:

How did he know what your mother said about him?

The awkward interaction, and long silences on my part. Keep in mind, this was every visit my dad made to the house. So, if he didn't know what mum had told me about him, then I'd be surprised. The past domestic abuse was very much the elephant in the room.

Plus, my mum started going off on these embittered rants a year after my dad came back into my life. Why? Because adolescent me made the stupid mistake of asking her if she thought I'd ever get a girlfriend, someday.

You never visited your father's side of the family or they never visited you?

Both! To an extend, at least. My dad did bring a couple of step-siblings by on one occasions, but they sat in the car for duration of my dad's visit. Only came in to say a brief hello before my day left. It was quite awkward.

But, no, I've visited my dad's side of the family.

I'll send you a message back.

Okay. :thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

I think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My asshole neighbor has been playing his electric guitar ALL FREAKING DAY without a break. Volume way too high for an apartment building. I can't confront him because of my SA; nor can I complain to the office because of SA, no one will be there now, and somehow it will all be my fault in their tiny, defective, corporate automaton minds (always blame the victim if you can). I can't beat on the wall or call the cops because that will escalate the conflict (again, my fault). h:

I CANNOT HANDLE ANOTHER NEIGHBOR WAR!!! :crying:

I got into one eleven years ago, and it shattered my nerves. It's one of the main reasons I have social anxiety today. No tolerance for conflict or confrontation. Living in an almost constant state of fear. Never going outside because I might run into somebody. A living death in the shadows of life.

I can't think straight anymore. My every thought is disrupted by this inconsiderate jerk and his godfuckawful noise. Every peaceful, minding-my-own-business thought is replaced by one of violence. I hear the call of the baseball bat standing ready in the hall, and I am fiercely tempted to heed it. :bat:

All day? I get bored of playing my electric guitar after 3 hours at the most. Unless I'm working on trying to write something.

Anyway, while I fully understand and can relate to you not dealing with conflicts well, Graybeard. I'm pretty sure most guitar amplifer have an input on them so a pair of headphones can be plugged in. Can ye not ask the guitar to use it when playing. Bit of an inconsiderate wee fud if ye ask me, and I play the electric guitar myself.

As for the baseball bat I'd advice against. Though, were I in your situation, I'd smash the amp over the guitar. Since he'd still be able to play but no-one would be bother by the racket. Not that I condone or suggest doing that, like.

 

[Graeme1988]

I am literally shaking with rage, fear, agitation, and other emotions I can't even identify. How did I ever come to be so powerless to act on my own behalf? How did I get stuck in this shitstain of an apartment complex in this armpit of a town? I could easily buy a house or two or ten, but I live in a sewer with the turds of the world because I lack whatever it is I need to rise out of the squalor. Motivation? Tenacity? Big brass hairy balls? I don't even know anymore; whatever it is, I ain't got it. :idontknow:

And it doesn't matter anymore, either. I'm never getting out of here. I'm never going to live a free and happy life with no landlords robbing me every month and no asshole neighbors tormenting me daily through every window, floor, and wall. No way out. No way but the final way, the one that will solve all my troubles once and for all.

Lack of self-confidence, maybe? :idontknow: Or just being overwhelmed by life? :question: You can tend to feel powerless if things seem to be getting the better of ye.

If ye don't mind me asking, but why - if you say you could easily afford a house somewhere - don't you just move away? Or does the thought of packing up and leaving overwhelm you? I'm just saying, if I knew I had the money to afford a house of my own somewhere far from where I currently live, then I'd take that opportunity.

 

[defiance]

I think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My asshole neighbor has been playing his electric guitar ALL FREAKING DAY without a break. Volume way too high for an apartment building. I can't confront him because of my SA; nor can I complain to the office because of SA, no one will be there now, and somehow it will all be my fault in their tiny, defective, corporate automaton minds (always blame the victim if you can). I can't beat on the wall or call the cops because that will escalate the conflict (again, my fault). h:

I CANNOT HANDLE ANOTHER NEIGHBOR WAR!!! :crying:

I got into one eleven years ago, and it shattered my nerves. It's one of the main reasons I have social anxiety today. No tolerance for conflict or confrontation. Living in an almost constant state of fear. Never going outside because I might run into somebody. A living death in the shadows of life.

I can't think straight anymore. My every thought is disrupted by this inconsiderate jerk and his godfuckawful noise. Every peaceful, minding-my-own-business thought is replaced by one of violence. I hear the call of the baseball bat standing ready in the hall, and I am fiercely tempted to heed it. :bat:

I am literally shaking with rage, fear, agitation, and other emotions I can't even identify. How did I ever come to be so powerless to act on my own behalf? How did I get stuck in this shitstain of an apartment complex in this armpit of a town? I could easily buy a house or two or ten, but I live in a sewer with the turds of the world because I lack whatever it is I need to rise out of the squalor. Motivation? Tenacity? Big brass hairy balls? I don't even know anymore; whatever it is, I ain't got it. :idontknow:

And it doesn't matter anymore, either. I'm never getting out of here. I'm never going to live a free and happy life with no landlords robbing me every month and no asshole neighbors tormenting me daily through every window, floor, and wall. No way out. No way but the final way, the one that will solve all my troubles once and for all.

I would agree with Graeme here because if a part of your suffering is due to these people who are your neighbors, I feel as if a person like yourself would benefit from getting a house and having a lot more freedom. I know that wouldn't solve all your problems but at the very least it could give you one less thing to have to worry about. Yeah I know it is always easier said than done but if your financial situation is pretty good then it could be worth your time to give it a shot. In fact for me personally, having the money to buy a house would definitely take out a little bit of stress from my life.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

All day? I get bored of playing my electric guitar after 3 hours at the most. Unless I'm working on trying to write something.

Anyway, while I fully understand and can relate to you not dealing with conflicts well, Graybeard. I'm pretty sure most guitar amplifer have an input on them so a pair of headphones can be plugged in. Can ye not ask the guitar to use it when playing. Bit of an inconsiderate wee fud if ye ask me, and I play the electric guitar myself.

As for the baseball bat I'd advice against. Though, were I in your situation, I'd smash the amp over the guitar. Since he'd still be able to play but no-one would be bother by the racket. Not that I condone or suggest doing that, like.

No, no violence, however tempting it may be. Unfortunately, I can't go talk to the guy either. I'm too upset by the situation for any kind of confrontation to go well, with him, the office gals, anyone. Even were I not, my anxiety keeps me cloistered. I can't face any interaction beyond a few minutes at a time with delivery drivers and such. I need to hire a bunch of people to do stuff for me, and I don't know how the hell I'm going to stand it. This way of life is close to becoming unbearable.

I have my earplugs in, so I can be deliciously deaf for a while, but that's going to get old before too long. What then? We'll have to see.

If ye don't mind me asking, but why - if you say you could easily afford a house somewhere - don't you just move away? Or does the thought of packing up and leaving overwhelm you? I'm just saying, if I knew I had the money to afford a house of my own somewhere far from where I currently live, then I'd take that opportunity.

I would agree with Graeme here because if a part of your suffering is due to these people who are your neighbors, I feel as if a person like yourself would benefit from getting a house and having a lot more freedom. I know that wouldn't solve all your problems but at the very least it could give you one less thing to have to worry about. Yeah I know it is always easier said than done but if your financial situation is pretty good then it could be worth your time to give it a shot. In fact for me personally, having the money to buy a house would definitely take out a little bit of stress from my life.

The house thing . . . mg:

It's been a dream of mine—the big one—for years now, but I'm afraid that's all it's ever going to be. It's not just a case of plunking down some cash and there you are, all shacked up in your new pad. It's a long and arduous process—sometimes months, sometimes years—with all kinds of hoops to jump through and all kinds of people to meet and work with. There's a heck of a learning curve, too, if you want to avoid all the traps and quagmires. I don't know how well I can expect to cope with all that when I can't even go out to buy groceries now. Believe me, realtors and sellers and lawyers (oh, my!) are a lot more intimidating than a sack of tomatoes.

Moving to another place is another thing I've long considered. I've shat all over this town too many times to ever really be entirely comfortable buying in for good. No matter how long I'm here, and no matter how good a boy I am, I'll always have to keep one eye over my shoulder. That means no work, no volunteering, no getting back into the music scene, no joining at all, no community of any kind. Just the same old solitary same old. A new town, though, a new state, even? Yeah, but where? "Anywhere But Here" is both a very large place and very hard to find on a map. You just can't get there from here. I guess I could throw a dart at Google Earth—I need a new computer anyway—and see what I find, but I'm old, I'm tired, and I just want to find a place to sit down and rest. The wanderlust of youth (what little I ever had) has withered away. I don't have that kind of energy anymore.

In the end, if I could find and buy a place, what then? A home of my own would be both a pair of wings (no more neighbors up my ass!) and a millstone (taxes, maintenance, and such). Lots of up; lots of down. My current apartment is a pigsty because I lack the energy and inclination to clean it up. How much better would an entire house in my charge fare? Obviously, I would need to hire someone to clean, cut the grass, and so forth, just as I need to hire someone now for certain things. Easy to say; not so easy to do, I have found. They're out there, all over Facebook, begging for jobs, but I can't face reaching out to them, negotiating, having them in my home, shuffling through my stuff, judging my train wreck of a life.

I don't know what to do. Trade an unbearable present for an impossible future, or slide along with the status quo until one day I slide right off the end? I could go down to the river, out in the woods. I know a spot where the river bends and you can climb to the top of an enormous rock and just sit and watch the sunlight sparkle on the water forever. The spirits are alive there, so they say. Perhaps they will welcome me to join them.