How are you feeling?

defiance

defiance

Well-known member
My existence brings nothing but pain to those that I hold dear to me. Yesterday my Mother was in excruciating pain because of some issues she has had for a few years now but yesterday it was really bad. She told me she was fine but I could tell that was a lie. One of the main causes of this pain is stress. Why is this my fault? Because of my inability to do anything, she feels stressed and therefore is in physical pain. I am responsible for this. I deserve to die for what I am doing to not just her but those who care for me because they are getting fed up and I cannot blame them at all. I'm surprised they haven't kicked me to the curb yet.

Another quick thing that shows how hopeless I am. A friend of mine offered to get me a job and I had a panic attack that I somehow managed to hide very well. I told him "no it's fine I'm close to landing a job":eek:h:. Forget about actually working, just the thought of it is enough to scare me half to death. So this buddy and a few of my other friends kept picking on me for not having work. I mean I think they were doing it in a joking way but when you are mentally f*cked up, these words cut very deep. Sure I smiled and pretended everything was fine but on the inside I was crying my heart out. I am a mistake.. No purpose. May my nightmares come to an end soon.:crying:
 
GraybeardGhost

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
I don't mind telling you . . . I feel rather awful. My stomach is unhappy, my head hurts, and I probably stink as well. I attribute most of this to being a worthless, loserish pile of shit, but there may be additional, unrelated causes. Further research will be required before a definitive diagnosis can be reached.
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Just spent the last hour watching videos on youtube of people that lost their lives due to an illness and who were in their teens or early twenties. Each one of those people were individuals with a great future ahead of them. I mean some of these people had such a love for life that you could tell from their faces. Yet what ended up happening? They died tragically and a piece of shit like me who has nothing to offer gets to live. I feel so disgusting right now. Even feel a bit sick to my stomach. I'd trade places with any of those people. At least they would have something to offer to the world.:crying:
 
H

Hot_Tamale

Well-known member
defiance said:
Just spent the last hour watching videos on youtube of people that lost their lives due to an illness and who were in their teens or early twenties. Each one of those people were individuals with a great future ahead of them. I mean some of these people had such a love for life that you could tell from their faces. Yet what ended up happening? They died tragically and a piece of shit like me who has nothing to offer gets to live. I feel so disgusting right now. Even feel a bit sick to my stomach. I'd trade places with any of those people. At least they would have something to offer to the world.:crying:
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Your post reminds me of that quote from the Lord of the Rings movie where the old king laughs: "hehe...you have no power here". It's almost as if the universe laughs in the face of human logic sometimes you know? The universe will play by its own twisted set of rules.
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Hot_Tamale said:
Your post reminds me of that quote from the Lord of the Rings movie where the old king laughs: "hehe...you have no power here". It's almost as if the universe laughs in the face of human logic sometimes you know? The universe will play by its own twisted set of rules.
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Yes, logic doesn't work ... systems don't work ... and the rules of the game keep changing (so you can never learn to play the game even adequately). :thumbdown:
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Listening to the latest acid/psychedelic music tonight ... ended up way back at the doors. Can't beat the old classics. :thumbup:

Now listening to bob marley, as doors wasn't cutting it, mood-wise.
 
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Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
:sad: :crying:

I often wonder what it must be like to have a stable, happy family upbringing? Not having to listen to arguments all the time. Being told I'm a cold, uncaring arsehole, all because I refuse to take sides in an argument I never started. I'm just stuck in the middle of it.

Internalising that man-hating feminism mantra of men are arsehole, which has been reinforced by my family so often, it might as well apply to me by proxy.

Or living in utter fear of the woman who gave birth to ye, because her mood and demeanour tend change whenever you enter the room. And, y'know, she tends turn violent if she don't get her way. Not physically, but a threat is still a f**kin' threat!

:idontknow: I guess that's why I've never really hide the fact that I'm miserable. But it difficult to talk how ye feel whe yer called a liar for doing so. :eek:h:
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Lately people have been talking quite a bit about my shortcomings. "Why isn't he working?, why isn't he driving, why isn't he married, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY." Can I blame them? No absolutely not because they are looking at my situation from a normal perspective but my situation is anything but normal. Just by hearing people saying the things that they are about me, it sends me into panic mode. My body gets cold I can't feel anything and I get super stressed depressed and suicidal. So many of my best years have been taken from me because of this monster. I have said this before and I'll say it again that the worst part of all of this, for me at least, is the fact that those around you end up suffering as well because of your shortcomings. This situation sucks and so does life.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Same ol', same ol'... Lied to by family once again, and told I'm an ungrateful so n' so for expecting them to keep their word when they've said they'll do something for me. Taken advantage of, as usual. Nevermind, that I'm always offering to help, doing what's asked of me, and making compromise after compromise. But hey, maybe I don't deserve to treated to something like a night out? What with me being an ungrateful lil shit. :kickingmyself:

Starting to wonder if I should just cut ties with my family? Get a place of my own and makeup for my parents failure to raise me, right. Because it's becoming too much to have to defend against misconceptions and outright lies all the time. Gee, I wonder why I seem so stand-offish and guarded? :thinking:

Plus, I have no real purpose in my family - other than being someone upon whom everyone can project everything they hate about themselves, and men in general. Can't even bring myself to get upset about that.
 
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theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Graeme1988 said:
Plus, I have no real purpose in my family - other than being someone upon whom everyone can project everything they hate about themselves, and men in general. Can't even bring myself to get upset about that.
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Well at least you're seeing the true picture of things, which is a good thing.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
theslowesthand said:
Well at least you're seeing the true picture of things, which is a good thing.
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Is it? :thinking: Because I'm getting tired of being told I'm ungrateful when I've done more to keep my family happy, despite it being obvious I'm not to chuffed. And they've rarely kept their word whenever they promised to do something for me or help me. You'd think me saying thanks whenever they do keep their word with me would enough gratitude? :idontknow:
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Graeme1988 said:
Is it? :thinking: Because I'm getting tired of being told I'm ungrateful when I've done more to keep my family happy, despite it being obvious I'm not to chuffed. And they've rarely kept their word whenever they promised to do something for me or help me. You'd think me saying thanks whenever they do keep their word with me would enough gratitude? :idontknow:
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Yes it is, beacause the first step in resolving any problem is acknowledging the truth about it, which you certainly appear to have done. :applause:
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
theslowesthand said:
Yes it is, beacause the first step in resolving any problem is acknowledging the truth about it, which you certainly appear to have done. :applause:
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:thumbup: Ha! Guess that is good. Still, it's kinda shit that my family would rather play victim and accuse me of being a bully when I'm just being honest, or selfish for refusing to be pressure into doing something. :sad: But that's just how it is for me, can't say "No", always gotta do what's asked of me, regardless of whether I want to. :kickingmyself:
 
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Hot_Tamale

Well-known member
My current emotional state has been kept afloat by a sea of humor, religious faith, and support from family/friends. What's going to happen when the sea runs dry? I'll go back to one sorry sack of depressing sh*t again...gawd I hope not.
 
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