How are you feeling?

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: Well, that's me. I'm done with always having to fight just to be treated with a wee bit respect n' dignity. But even that seems that is asking a bit much.

Might as well go now, eh? Since there's no much point in me carrying on, other than to keep the family together. But, even that is becoming too much of burden for me to bear. As it's clear tae me that I'm no longer needed, if ah ever wus in the first place?

And, eh, yin last thing. A wee bit of advice in life, ah learnt the hard way:

Don't waste yer time or energy trying to make other people happy, especially if they treat ye like shit. They're no worth sacrificing your happiness for. Ye just end up miserable, anyway, if ye think otherwise.

Take fae me, ah know just how shitty people can be to each other.

Anyway, later folks. :sad:

 

[Lizardo]

Feel low, I want to feel more positivity.

 

[Graeme1988]

Thinking about do masel' in, since there's no reason to keep on going. No ambition, nae joy. Nuthin'. Except the endless misery of waking up, and it's the same boring, predictable, lifeless routine - day in, day out.

And I'm so outta sync and outta the loop with those around me, I'll feel old as f**k, man. Constantly told how and who I should, just to please ma family. Rather than just being myself. I'm sick of feeling this pressure to be a certain way, act a certain way that goes against my nature as a person. Ye cannae exactly blame me for not wanting be here anymore. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

It's funny how this time last year, I had some much hope and optimism as to how I'd imagined this year going for me.
Ha! That's sure faded now... ::

 

[defiance]

I woke up to the same thing this morning, no surprise there, but this time around my situation hit me harder than it normally does. I mean sometimes we get so used to a certain thing that it becomes a part of who we are but I reflected on it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks that this misery is actually my life. I really do believe that the greatest gift I could have ever received and have given to others at the same time is if I was never born. That way I don't have to suffer, that would be my gift, and others wouldn't have to suffer due to my lack of making something of myself, that would be their gift. Two birds with one stone as they say.:sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

I woke up to the same thing this morning, no surprise there, but this time around my situation hit me harder than it normally does. I mean sometimes we get so used to a certain thing that it becomes a part of who we are but I reflected on it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks that this misery is actually my life. I really do believe that the greatest gift I could have ever received and have given to others at the same time is if I was never born. That way I don't have to suffer, that would be my gift, and others wouldn't have to suffer due to my lack of making something of myself, that would be their gift. Two birds with one stone as they say.:sad:

Pretty articulates how I've for the last week or so. :sad:

Though, the reality of my situation hits me from the moment I get up in morning, so nae need to reflect on it much. And my gift to other people would be not having to put up with me, my irriating voice and dull personality. Or the difficult of my disability.

 

[defiance]

Wasn't sure if I wanted to post this at first but changed my mind. Something happened last night that made know for sure that I would welcome death. So I don't know what was wrong with me but I felt unbelievably terrible physically speaking. I was in pain and my body felt like it was shutting down. Normally this would make any person want to consider dialing for emergency or have someone there with them just in case. You know what I did? I just sat there quietly and here is the kicker....I was happy. I was happy because I was thinking this could be my prayers being answered right now. This could be my way out...I CAN FINALLY BE FREE. Over the next few hours I started to get better and I still have no idea as to what that was but I honestly thought there was a chance I was going to die last night and I just sat there and waited for it.

 

[Megaten]

Pissed off. I think Im going to have to initiate a new policy of interrupting people having a conversation if I have something I want to say. I try to be polite and wait for people to finish talking and expect them to say "excuse me, but do you want something?". It boggles my mind how people can be talking and I literally stand a foot away looking at them and they just ignore me, but when I walk off they go "what did that guy want lol". This isnt the first time this has happened and I try not to hijack peoples conversations because I know Im not the center of the Universe, but Im officially done with that crap.

 

[theslowesthand]

Thinking about do masel' in, since there's no reason to keep on going. No ambition, nae joy. Nuthin'. Except the endless misery of waking up, and it's the same boring, predictable, lifeless routine - day in, day out

I'm thinking i may have Anhedonia (lack of ability to enjoy things). Maybe you have that also?. When there's nae joy, that doesn't leave much to look foward to. :sad:

 

[ArcaneEpiphany]

Because of my studies this month, I seldom ventured out and experienced new social events and pleasures. I made a short list of things I wanted to complete but only accomplished one (attending a flea market). This left me beyond frustrated but I reminded myself that my studies come first. There's always next year. And going out a little was better than not going out at all. I'm also proud of myself for simply being able to socialize with a calm facade.

 

[theslowesthand]

There's always next year

Exactly.

And going out a little was better than not going out at all

You got that right.

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm thinking i may have Anhedonia (lack of ability to enjoy things). Maybe you have that also?. When there's nae joy, that doesn't leave much to look foward to. :sad:

If ah do have it, then it stems from my depression and anxiety going untreated for over 10 years now. Because I've had this inability to enjoy things I used to enjoy since my mid-teens.

Doesnae exactly that my family are always, either, forcing me to compromise or make me feel bad about things I enjoyed - like playing a musical instrument, for example. :sad: And forcing me to find enjoyment in the "normal" things they'd much prefer I'd be doing. Since, to them, I've become too much of a loner. Whatever they mean by that? :idontknow:

 

[defiance]

I don't even remember the last time I was truly happy. When was the last time I did something because it was enjoyable? To me happiness is like a child. You can only be a child for so long and when you grow up you can never go back to being a child. I feel like my happiness has grown up and it became anxiety, depression, and so forth. While I will admit there is a slight chance that I could be happy one day, I strongly doubt it seeing how my life is and where it's going. I only had it for a short time and because I thought it would last my entire lifetime, I never truly took the time to appreciate it while I had it. This has been my experience with it at least.:sad:

 

[BlueDays]

Pissed off. I think Im going to have to initiate a new policy of interrupting people having a conversation if I have something I want to say. I try to be polite and wait for people to finish talking and expect them to say "excuse me, but do you want something?". It boggles my mind how people can be talking and I literally stand a foot away looking at them and they just ignore me, but when I walk off they go "what did that guy want lol". This isnt the first time this has happened and I try not to hijack peoples conversations because I know Im not the center of the Universe, but Im officially done with that crap.

^It is really frustrating because it seems that people are so wrapped up in themselves that you need to have something really special to offer if you are going to be let into a conversation that two or more people are having.

I people watch a lot and when I can I listen in to other people's conversation - if it is within earshot, whenever I am out in public.
People seem to only be increasingly self-interested in themselves.

It appears like they don't seem to be really hearing what the other person is saying - not really listening, just waiting for them to stop what they are saying so they themselves can continue to talk about themselves.

Many conversations I hear sound akin to this.....

Person #1: "Me, me me me me. I did this. Listen to me. Me me me me. This happened to me. Listen to me, me, me me".

Person #2: "Well listen to me. I did this! Listen to me, me me me. And I also did this. Me me me me me and me".

Person #1: "Me, me me me me. I did this. Listen to me. Me me me me. This happened to me. Listen to me, me, me me".

Person #2: "Yes but I did this! And this. Are you listening to me? This happened to me too. Listen to me, you must listen to me, me me me me".

 

[Megaten]

^It is really frustrating because it seems that people are so wrapped up in themselves that you need to have something really special to offer if you are going to be let into a conversation that two or more people are having.

I people watch a lot and when I can I listen in to other people's conversation - if it is within earshot, whenever I am out in public.
People seem to only be increasingly self-interested in themselves.

It appears like they don't seem to be really hearing what the other person is saying - not really listening, just waiting for them to stop what they are saying so they themselves can continue to talk about themselves.

Many conversations I hear sound akin to this.....

Person #1: "Me, me me me me. I did this. Listen to me. Me me me me. This happened to me. Listen to me, me, me me".

Person #2: "Well listen to me. I did this! Listen to me, me me me. And I also did this. Me me me me me and me".

Person #1: "Me, me me me me. I did this. Listen to me. Me me me me. This happened to me. Listen to me, me, me me".

Person #2: "Yes but I did this! And this. Are you listening to me? This happened to me too. Listen to me, you must listen to me, me me me me".

You reminded me of something. There's this show that comes on tv called "Through the Wormhole" and they talk about controversial topics. And they were talking about the effect Facebook has on peoples brains. Apparently people get a natural chemical high in their brains when they talk about themselves, more so than when talking about another person. They had a psychologist on there doing some kinda experiment on volunteers and from what I remember, people were offered money or a chance to talk about themselves and more people chose the later because it gave more of a pleasure reward than material possessions.

I would like to express myself more and talk about myself, but my anxiety and fear of judgement counters that crap.

 

[theslowesthand]

I don't even remember the last time I was truly happy. When was the last time I did something because it was enjoyable? To me happiness is like a child. You can only be a child for so long and when you grow up you can never go back to being a child. I feel like my happiness has grown up and it became anxiety, depression, and so forth. While I will admit there is a slight chance that I could be happy one day, I strongly doubt it seeing how my life is and where it's going. I only had it for a short time and because I thought it would last my entire lifetime, I never truly took the time to appreciate it while I had it. This has been my experience with it at least.:sad:

^ Exactly this. Nowadays i can seldom if ever "relax", nor do i barely "enjoy" anything anymore .. these 2 things almost seem connected. Question is tho, is it anhedonia, or is it simply the normal adult thing :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

I don't even remember the last time I was truly happy. When was the last time I did something because it was enjoyable? To me happiness is like a child. You can only be a child for so long and when you grow up you can never go back to being a child. I feel like my happiness has grown up and it became anxiety, depression, and so forth. While I will admit there is a slight chance that I could be happy one day, I strongly doubt it seeing how my life is and where it's going. I only had it for a short time and because I thought it would last my entire lifetime, I never truly took the time to appreciate it while I had it. This has been my experience with it at least.:sad:

Pretty much my experience as well, when I think back now. Well, if you gloss over the bad things. But as I gotten older I've definitely become more depressed, anxious and grumpy. And, while I'd like to believe that may change after I turn 30, I don't see it happening.

^ Exactly this. Nowadays i can seldom if ever "relax", nor do i barely "enjoy" anything anymore .. these 2 things almost seem connected. Question is tho, is it anhedonia, or is it simply the normal adult thing :question:

I'm much the same as far relaxing and enjoying this goes. Though, I wonder if it a combo of both things you mentioned, slowesthand? And d'ye think social media, like Facebook and Twitter are a factor as far as barely having time to relax and enjoy much? Only asking because these are first topics of conversation whenever my oldest sister speaks to me, lately. Despite no being a users of either of those social networks.

 

[Graeme1988]

I would like to express myself more and talk about myself, but my anxiety and fear of judgement counters that crap.

Oh boy, I can definitely relate there, Megaten.

 

[defiance]

^ Exactly this. Nowadays i can seldom if ever "relax", nor do i barely "enjoy" anything anymore .. these 2 things almost seem connected. Question is tho, is it anhedonia, or is it simply the normal adult thing :question:

In my case, I can't be too sure as to what it is. But it seems like both are two different paths to the same destination which is misery. Man I am just so tired of always feeling this way. You can't imagine how often I think about suicide. There isn't a day where I don't. I envy those who decided to end their misery. I am personally not afraid of doing it but a few people that I care about will get hurt by it and it would destroy them. I don't want that to happen and yet at the same time I don't want my miserable existence to continue:kickingmyself:. Rampled again...sorry....I can't help it.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Pretty awful. This work/stay job is turning out to be a total nightmare-a layer of Hell really.

It is really awful the things and situations you have to put yourself in when you are broke and have no place to go.


Example of one surreal early evening:

I will spare you all.

never mind. None of you could probably stomach it.

I must find a way out of this mess