^ I'm sorry you feel that way and wish I could offer you more than sentiment, but such is the nature of the internet. You deserve better than you're feeling right now.
But, you can't come back from those things. I get why they might be appealing in theory. They lock you in, give you a stable outcome if nothing else. But they are also utterly without redemption. Once set in motion, the outcome, which is largely negative to an extreme, is binary.
I'm not sure you're at a place to hear this, and if you're not I apologise, but what if you could still be happy in a few years? I mean, crazier things have happened in life. Wouldn't you want that chance to flourish on it's own steam rather than be cut short by misfortune?
Don't let pain define you, Blue. And definitely don't let it end you. The world would be lesser for it.