Had a terrible date last night, worst way possible for and SA sufferer...
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coyote
Well-known member
She sounds like she probably has built a tough shell around her as a defense.
I know that doesn't make it any easier to like her or be around her, but you shouldn't take too much of what she said personally.
Don't take on another person's shortcomings as proof of your own.
I know that doesn't make it any easier to like her or be around her, but you shouldn't take too much of what she said personally.
Don't take on another person's shortcomings as proof of your own.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Wow. Yeah. She is definitely in defense mode. She must be very troubled...
I think you handled it very well. Asking questions is never a bad thing, people love answering questions. She was rude, but you handled it quite well. Not that us with SA would make a scene or anything. I know it's hard but try not to beat yourself up about this, and try not to even label that a 'date' (Like, oh I suck at dating because that last date was a DISASTER type of labelling) because it was more of a... Game, that she was playing. And that is 10000000% her loss, her troubles, her defense. You handled it well
I think you handled it very well. Asking questions is never a bad thing, people love answering questions. She was rude, but you handled it quite well. Not that us with SA would make a scene or anything. I know it's hard but try not to beat yourself up about this, and try not to even label that a 'date' (Like, oh I suck at dating because that last date was a DISASTER type of labelling) because it was more of a... Game, that she was playing. And that is 10000000% her loss, her troubles, her defense. You handled it well
honeydippedxo
Well-known member
wow sounds like a really bad date. sorry about that. she was really mean and who cares if its because shes defensive, rude is rude. next time try to stick up for yourself a little. i know its easier said than done. she sounds controlling too. so good thing she let her true colors out right away, her loss. dont beat yourself up for it you didnt do anything wrong exept for maybe staying for the whole date. i would have left early. this one guy asked me out just to talk crap about how i look and dress The whole time. i didnt let him buy me anything to eat i just let him eat and left. i wish i would of stuck up for my self before i left lol he wasnt so gorgeous looking himself. and idk why he was picking on me for my looks cuz i know i am pretty im not vain but im a cute girl. after that he tried for two years to get with me! so in the end i got the last laugh. she obviously liked you more than you liked her in the first place so i think you get to have the last laugh too lol. keep your head up.
Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
As you said her attitude probably has nothing to do with you but more with the way it was hard for her to live with cerebral palsy. So you should really not take any of it personnally. I could be wrong but it sounds to me that she really likes you and felt humiliated that you were not running after her, so she felt the need of turning the situation around by pretending she's the one pushing you away in order to save her face. If you really feel bad about it, you could write to her to make her understand that you liked her in the beginning and you're sorry she didn't have a good time with you but you are just not the kind of guy who can deal with so much sarcasm. Sorry for my crappy english, I'm not awake yet.
miss_amy
Well-known member
Not sure what you are asking really.
You didnt enjoy being with her so don't see her again. I don't know why people are making excuses for her bad manners. Her disabilities are no excuse for her being rude to you.
I don't think you did anything wrong at all, she's just not right for you. She sounds rude to me with those comments. I'm surprised you didn't snap a comment back, I would have!
You didnt enjoy being with her so don't see her again. I don't know why people are making excuses for her bad manners. Her disabilities are no excuse for her being rude to you.
I don't think you did anything wrong at all, she's just not right for you. She sounds rude to me with those comments. I'm surprised you didn't snap a comment back, I would have!
Rembrandt Broam
Well-known member
It sounds like she did like you (why else ask you out on a date?) but was disappointed in the way the date went, so decided to act like she wasn't really bothered about you at all. As others have said, this is probably a protective defence mechanism she's developed to stop herself getting hurt. In the end though, it's only going to succeed in driving people away from her.
As you don't seem very interested in her anyway, you should just put this one down to experience and move on. After all, there's no reason for you to contact her again.
As you don't seem very interested in her anyway, you should just put this one down to experience and move on. After all, there's no reason for you to contact her again.
Hastings & Main
Well-known member
Dude, you handled that way better than a non-SA person would!
A lot of guys would have just said "Get the **** out of here." and be done with her.
From the sounds of it, she's probably put up with a lot of crap in her life (I watched many physically impaired - even very slightly impaired - kids in high school get mentally punched around like reflex bags) and she's got more defense mechanisms up than the US military.
One of my best friends from high school sounds just like her. Her sarcasm sounds on par with his. Most of the time, the insults are a show of liking you (like when best friends of many years call each other names), or at least a "you don't suck that much" kind of thing. It's a safeguard: if she's rejected, she has shown people beforehand that she can take it, that she's tough, and there's enough leeway in her form of communication that she can easily back-pedal & say she never liked you or etc.
It's VERY easy in your case to take it personally, but honestly, you're in the free & clear.
So if she contacts you again, I would get an explanation down set around how you're really not into the sarcastic/caustic style of humor she has, and be ready for an earful of insults that may hit you.
And if not, it's over - this feeling will be gone in under a week, tops. (And if it isn't, tell us.)
A lot of guys would have just said "Get the **** out of here." and be done with her.
From the sounds of it, she's probably put up with a lot of crap in her life (I watched many physically impaired - even very slightly impaired - kids in high school get mentally punched around like reflex bags) and she's got more defense mechanisms up than the US military.
One of my best friends from high school sounds just like her. Her sarcasm sounds on par with his. Most of the time, the insults are a show of liking you (like when best friends of many years call each other names), or at least a "you don't suck that much" kind of thing. It's a safeguard: if she's rejected, she has shown people beforehand that she can take it, that she's tough, and there's enough leeway in her form of communication that she can easily back-pedal & say she never liked you or etc.
It's VERY easy in your case to take it personally, but honestly, you're in the free & clear.
So if she contacts you again, I would get an explanation down set around how you're really not into the sarcastic/caustic style of humor she has, and be ready for an earful of insults that may hit you.
And if not, it's over - this feeling will be gone in under a week, tops. (And if it isn't, tell us.)
cola junky
Active member
sounds like she was Interested and was waiting for you to make a move
and i guess when a man doesn't make a move it's a turn off for the ladies...
i think you should learn from this experience and think about the advice she gave you for next time....
and i guess when a man doesn't make a move it's a turn off for the ladies...
i think you should learn from this experience and think about the advice she gave you for next time....
First of all I think you're very BRAVE and it's really GREAT of you that you even went out for a date (or something like it) with a girl with cerebral palsy or such..
(Even if it was 'horrible' maybe she doesn't get to go to that many dates and you actually gave her some really good moments to remember...!!)
Second of all, if that's you in the avatar, you're really good-looking!! (Maybe you just don't really know it yet??)
So she may have been scared out of her wits sort of, and said stupid things! (Or may have Tourette's syndrome?? You could ask her about it next time??
)
So basically you went out like with a friend, and possibly she expected more.. (The '3rd grade' comment could maybe relate to how she was feeling, having a crush on someone, passing notes..)
The sarcastic and mean sense of humor can be appreciated by some, and not by all.. Sometimes the teasing can be friendly, yup.. It's sometimes not so easy to recognize it though. And sometimes the boundaries can be non-existing or difficult to recognize, between just joking or actually hurting someone..
Maybe she is also not used to talking to shy/SA people.. (?) And thought if you really liked her you'd talk to her more?
Honestly, I think she was maybe just fishing for compliments? For you to say, 'No, it wasn't that terrible..' or joke back, 'I'm tall dark and handsome, what else do you want?' or something like that?
Maybe with 'advice for next girl' she also wanted to point out she felt there wasn't chemistry, and for you not to feel bad about it?
This is one of the reasons why it's probably better if the guy makes the 1st step.. Unless it's explicitly stated it's just friendship/hanging out or such..
Maybe it would be good to reply something like 'I like you as a person/as a friend' to make it clear from the beginning, if you didn't have any other intentions..
Us girls can expect too much if someone says compliments or things like 'I like you' or pays attention, especially the girls that maybe didn't have opportunities to hear those things so many times..
And even SA girls can sometimes not really understand guys with SA.. (for example why don't they talk to you if they like you, it can be frustrating!!)
Lots of dating is about getting to know each other, and now at least you know what type of humor and personalities you like/don't like..
It was rude what she said, though maybe she's used to hanging round with the sort of people who'd use this as a brilliant comeback.. something along the line of Pride and Prejudice and the lines in some comedy sit coms or plays.. (Or more rude and direct people who'd say 'Oh no, I totally dig your ...')
And yes, girls do like to know what you like about them (=fishing for compliments or things you might have in common to build upon) even some boyfriends don't get that stellar about it though.. Next time, do take time and find some things you like about a girl before you go out with her to tell her if she asks you.. With the fashion industry, big expectations and everything, girls can get very umm.. fragile self-esteem.. so just saying honest observations about what you do like can be very happy-making.. sorry for the non-english expression..
So if you do like her and want more with her, you could ask her out 'for another terrible dinner' or just joke about it.. (Like I said, maybe 'I thought you were cute but didn't know you have Tourettes' or something) Though if she really liked you and her heart was broken a bit, then maybe dry humor will not be enough..
If you don't like her, it might be a bit awkward if you hang out with common friends, they'll probably understand though.. 'Sorry, I'm shy, she crushed my SA heart...' (?) It may be easier if you throw in a compliment for her too.. so maybe she will learn from the experience too??
It can feel horrible to sort of 'break someone's heart' or be told bad things.. I think both you and she may have learnt something from this... (I hope!)
I think maybe she really liked you and thought she could 'be her real self' or even tried to impress you with her sense of humor (?) maybe she just wanted to make you laugh, as she might feel this was one of her strongest points with friends or so.. (I know sometimes girls among other girls can laugh a lot, and it may sometimes be 'too much' for new people or guys who don't really know us..)
Did you joke with her initially? Then maybe she just thought you were a great guy with a sense of humor.. and didn't realize you were feeling awkward until it was too late?
Cerebral palsy can sort of have brain complications too.. I have a relative with it, and he looks normal (and very cute too), his brain just doesn't work quite okay some of the time.. He can be kinda long-winded too, and say the same things over and over (actually whole of his family is kinda like that though, even with very boring everyday things, it's because they don't go out among people much..
So, I think you were brave for bearing it out!!
Please hang in there!!
If/when you get married, this can be one of the stories you tell, 'before I met your mom'...!!
(Even if it was 'horrible' maybe she doesn't get to go to that many dates and you actually gave her some really good moments to remember...!!)
Second of all, if that's you in the avatar, you're really good-looking!! (Maybe you just don't really know it yet??)
So she may have been scared out of her wits sort of, and said stupid things! (Or may have Tourette's syndrome?? You could ask her about it next time??
)So basically you went out like with a friend, and possibly she expected more.. (The '3rd grade' comment could maybe relate to how she was feeling, having a crush on someone, passing notes..)
The sarcastic and mean sense of humor can be appreciated by some, and not by all.. Sometimes the teasing can be friendly, yup.. It's sometimes not so easy to recognize it though. And sometimes the boundaries can be non-existing or difficult to recognize, between just joking or actually hurting someone..
Maybe she is also not used to talking to shy/SA people.. (?) And thought if you really liked her you'd talk to her more?
Honestly, I think she was maybe just fishing for compliments? For you to say, 'No, it wasn't that terrible..' or joke back, 'I'm tall dark and handsome, what else do you want?' or something like that?
Maybe with 'advice for next girl' she also wanted to point out she felt there wasn't chemistry, and for you not to feel bad about it?
This is one of the reasons why it's probably better if the guy makes the 1st step.. Unless it's explicitly stated it's just friendship/hanging out or such..
Maybe it would be good to reply something like 'I like you as a person/as a friend' to make it clear from the beginning, if you didn't have any other intentions..
Us girls can expect too much if someone says compliments or things like 'I like you' or pays attention, especially the girls that maybe didn't have opportunities to hear those things so many times..
And even SA girls can sometimes not really understand guys with SA.. (for example why don't they talk to you if they like you, it can be frustrating!!)
Lots of dating is about getting to know each other, and now at least you know what type of humor and personalities you like/don't like..
It was rude what she said, though maybe she's used to hanging round with the sort of people who'd use this as a brilliant comeback.. something along the line of Pride and Prejudice and the lines in some comedy sit coms or plays.. (Or more rude and direct people who'd say 'Oh no, I totally dig your ...')
And yes, girls do like to know what you like about them (=fishing for compliments or things you might have in common to build upon) even some boyfriends don't get that stellar about it though.. Next time, do take time and find some things you like about a girl before you go out with her to tell her if she asks you.. With the fashion industry, big expectations and everything, girls can get very umm.. fragile self-esteem.. so just saying honest observations about what you do like can be very happy-making..
sorry for the non-english expression..So if you do like her and want more with her, you could ask her out 'for another terrible dinner' or just joke about it.. (Like I said, maybe 'I thought you were cute but didn't know you have Tourettes' or something) Though if she really liked you and her heart was broken a bit, then maybe dry humor will not be enough..
If you don't like her, it might be a bit awkward if you hang out with common friends, they'll probably understand though.. 'Sorry, I'm shy, she crushed my SA heart...' (?) It may be easier if you throw in a compliment for her too.. so maybe she will learn from the experience too??
It can feel horrible to sort of 'break someone's heart' or be told bad things.. I think both you and she may have learnt something from this... (I hope!)
I think maybe she really liked you and thought she could 'be her real self' or even tried to impress you with her sense of humor (?) maybe she just wanted to make you laugh, as she might feel this was one of her strongest points with friends or so.. (I know sometimes girls among other girls can laugh a lot, and it may sometimes be 'too much' for new people or guys who don't really know us..)
Did you joke with her initially? Then maybe she just thought you were a great guy with a sense of humor.. and didn't realize you were feeling awkward until it was too late?
Cerebral palsy can sort of have brain complications too.. I have a relative with it, and he looks normal (and very cute too), his brain just doesn't work quite okay some of the time.. He can be kinda long-winded too, and say the same things over and over (actually whole of his family is kinda like that though, even with very boring everyday things, it's because they don't go out among people much..
So, I think you were brave for bearing it out!!
Please hang in there!!
If/when you get married, this can be one of the stories you tell, 'before I met your mom'...!!
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userremoved
Guest
Yep, thats her loss. Some people wouldn't know a good thing if it hit them like a truck.
black-wings
Well-known member
Yeah bro. You have a clear conscience. She's the one with problem.
BlueDays
1
Most of what i wanted to say has already been said, and as someone already stated, one day you will find a girl who will appreciate your polite and decent behaviour.
There is no excuse for her rude and inconsiderate behaviour, disability or not. The self-control you exhibited is incredible, it sounds to me as if she used you as a mental punching bag to let her frustrations out on. I am sorry someone as polite as you had to go through such a bad experience.::
Hopefully the next date you go on will be with a considerate and warm girl who appreciates your company
There is no excuse for her rude and inconsiderate behaviour, disability or not. The self-control you exhibited is incredible, it sounds to me as if she used you as a mental punching bag to let her frustrations out on. I am sorry someone as polite as you had to go through such a bad experience.:
:Hopefully the next date you go on will be with a considerate and warm girl who appreciates your company
Hm, guys - I don't think it helps anyone to call her names.. I'd suggest anyone to learn a bit about cerebral palsy.. It's not someone's 'fault' if something went wrong in the brain at birth or such.. (eg my relative was born way too prematurely and was barely saved, the brain just didn't get enough oxygen.. not surprisingly, as his mom worked in a chemical factory in a very chemically-polluted city..)
Disability is not an excuse, it can be a 'b*tch' though.. (The condition/disease, not the people!!) I try to distinguish between behavior and person!! The person can be great/okay, but can behave badly!!
I bet this girl is feeling sorry about the way it all went too-?? (or just venting about it?) For some people it's easier to be angry than sad, hm..
Some people with disabilities can be great, some can be bitter or have other problems too..
Many girls don't know how to act on dates, and some guys don't either.. It's all just a learning process..
Some people just interrupt and don't let others speak.. Sometimes they expect you to interrupt back or just be louder.. Or sometimes they may just need to vent, yup.. Drastic behaviour can perhaps sometimes shake'em up.. (or not)
Even some 'supermodels' who are physically healthy can behave badly.. (though in a way sometimes these are more easily understood or 'forgiven' by anyone who only sees the good looks..) It's odd how someone with disability would behave like that too, yup.. I agree with what Pookah said..
Maybe that's her lesson in life, to learn how to control anger?
And I think you just got some really good karma points? Like ten Hail Mary's worth of forgiveness for bad parking or such??
Disability is not an excuse, it can be a 'b*tch' though.. (The condition/disease, not the people!!) I try to distinguish between behavior and person!! The person can be great/okay, but can behave badly!!
I bet this girl is feeling sorry about the way it all went too-?? (or just venting about it?) For some people it's easier to be angry than sad, hm..
Some people with disabilities can be great, some can be bitter or have other problems too..
Many girls don't know how to act on dates, and some guys don't either.. It's all just a learning process..
Some people just interrupt and don't let others speak.. Sometimes they expect you to interrupt back or just be louder.. Or sometimes they may just need to vent, yup.. Drastic behaviour can perhaps sometimes shake'em up.. (or not)
Even some 'supermodels' who are physically healthy can behave badly.. (though in a way sometimes these are more easily understood or 'forgiven' by anyone who only sees the good looks..) It's odd how someone with disability would behave like that too, yup.. I agree with what Pookah said..
Maybe that's her lesson in life, to learn how to control anger?
And I think you just got some really good karma points? Like ten Hail Mary's worth of forgiveness for bad parking or such??
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
The good news is: you probably won’t fall for another trick like that again.
What you have to remember in the future with those types is that you should never take anything they say seriously, good or bad, because it’s all just a series of set-ups and sucker punches.
When they start their line of self-effacing BS, designed to make you lower your defenses and feel sorry for them, your mindset should be one of “Ohhhhh... is that right?” and then after they try to criticize you for the very sensitivity that they purposefully evoked, you should have a mindset of “I can’t get away from this crazy person fast enough.”
Dismiss and carry on.
If nothing else, it’s a good entry for your SA bestiary.
What you have to remember in the future with those types is that you should never take anything they say seriously, good or bad, because it’s all just a series of set-ups and sucker punches.
When they start their line of self-effacing BS, designed to make you lower your defenses and feel sorry for them, your mindset should be one of “Ohhhhh... is that right?” and then after they try to criticize you for the very sensitivity that they purposefully evoked, you should have a mindset of “I can’t get away from this crazy person fast enough.”
Dismiss and carry on.
If nothing else, it’s a good entry for your SA bestiary.