Group work in school - i want to die

[shybutsexy]

Im starting a new semester in university, so i have to take this course and you are supposed to make groups of 6 people, ive never worked in a group before. I already got the group, its me and 5 other people i dont know, but they all were friends with each other from before, i was like the only guy in class who didnt know anyone, so i had to be in this group, and its a nightmare, they talk between them all the time, and i just cant fit in. One of them told me to talk more, because i was too quiet, but i cant do that, i dont know how. I think it makes them really uncomfortable the fact that im too quiet, and its gonna make them even more as the time goes by, and they notice that im not talking enough, but i dont know what to do.

I just wanted to write it down, i dont know who else to talk about this, no one really understands me, im going desperate. I wont be able to deal with this for the next 5 months working with these people, i cant do it, we are supposed to get together today to work on a project, and im crying right now as i write, i just cant go there... I used to be in peace with myself, but since the semester started im scared everyday, i cant sleep thinking about the project and all the things i have to do in the course, including a presentacion. Its too much for me that i can handle, you can tell that my group feels really uncomfortable when im there, they probably hate me already, and everytime i see them its worse than the last time, i get even more nervous and quiet. If anyone has severe social anxiety and ever went through group work please help, i dont know what im going to do for the next 5 months.

 

[Flanscho]

Hm, strange. In Germany, kids are put again and again in group objects from early age on. Sure, some hate it, some love it, but they all make their experiences with it.

 

[spider04]

Today was the day me and a guy in my class had to hand over our project, I'm happy it's finally over. We had to program a game in Java. But about a month ago, I had no idea how this was going to be, I didn't know the guy I had to work with. I am a quiet guy and the other guy I'm working with, I haven't seen him talk much with the other students, he's sort of quiet too but when the teacher asks him something he knows what to answer and has no problem to talk with the teacher or ask questions when he doesn't understand something, but me, I don't do these things, I'm completely quiet and give short answers. One time I thought he was mad at me because I didn't talk to him, while everyone else where talking to each other about how they where going to make their game, I was just there staring at my laptop and then he suddenly left. But anyway, thanks to the internet I could talk to him about the project and felt more comfortable about everything. I believe he doesn't want to work with me again though, everyone else seems like good friends with each other, but with me and him, it doesn't look like that. It takes a lot of time for me to get used with someone and be comfortable around.

I don't know how I would feel if I had to work with 5 other people, probably the same as you, just focus on your task and do whatever you are supposed to do for your project, that should be enough. If you show them you're capable of doing your work, everything will be okay.

 

[laure15]

Groupwork is daunting for me too. I am ok in small groups, but large groups make me panic. I always think my teammates are speaking behind my back, maybe negatively, about me. Presentations are equally scary, but it sort of helps to have teammates with me as support. In addition to groupwork, my teammates and I have to submit evaluation forms to rate each other on quality of work, leadership, etc. One more reason to participate and contribute.

I feel your pain, but if you avoid participating, you might be kicked out of the group. Please show up and contribute. You don't have to like your teammates to be able to work effectively with them.

 

[vickiekitties]

I remember in high school when the teachers told us to pair up it made me want to be sick. This heavy sinking feeling in my abdomen.
Maybe this time will be sucky and awkward and you'll just get better and better at it. I'm not good at this either, and would also be interested in hearing some groupwork success stories if anyone has any :/

 

[sahxox]

Nothing in the entire World, not going to the store, not meeting new people, not even public speaking, terrified me more than groupwork. In English we would periodically have to split up into random groups. Already established the rep as the quiet one thanks to SP, I was too scared to speak up in case it drew attention or challenged this. Instead, despite being amongst the top 3 students in the classroom, I'd sit in a silent and frozen state of rapid heart-beating and red-faced. Often not uttering even a word over what would sometimes be weeks, the fact everyone else knew eachother and were friends was terrible... why couldn't I be like that? Absolutely awful, I'd dread the class the whole time waiting to be split up with random people. Anxiety at home even, it is awful!
I've finished High School and just today was wondering what uni life would be like for me now... I see alot of complaints on this site and elsewhere about groupwork there....
I absolutely know how soul-crushing group work is. Sorry if this is not helpful, but please know that you are not weird for this.

 

[Diend]

I can relate. For me, I start putting up a front and things don't go well from then on. I think the cure is to establish a group of friends in your life who you can rely on as a backbone. If you already feel alone, you will feel more so when you see others socializing.

 

[jaim38]

I can relate. For me, I start putting up a front and things don't go well from then on. I think the cure is to establish a group of friends in your life who you can rely on as a backbone. If you already feel alone, you will feel more so when you see others socializing.

Good idea, but unfortunately some people move around a lot so they don't have time to establish a core group of friends. Most of my friends don't know each other and are scattered in many different locations.

 

[Biev]

Im starting a new semester in university, so i have to take this course and you are supposed to make groups of 6 people, ive never worked in a group before. I already got the group, its me and 5 other people i dont know, but they all were friends with each other from before, i was like the only guy in class who didnt know anyone, so i had to be in this group, and its a nightmare, they talk between them all the time, and i just cant fit in. One of them told me to talk more, because i was too quiet, but i cant do that, i dont know how. I think it makes them really uncomfortable the fact that im too quiet, and its gonna make them even more as the time goes by, and they notice that im not talking enough, but i dont know what to do.

I just wanted to write it down, i dont know who else to talk about this, no one really understands me, im going desperate. I wont be able to deal with this for the next 5 months working with these people, i cant do it, we are supposed to get together today to work on a project, and im crying right now as i write, i just cant go there... I used to be in peace with myself, but since the semester started im scared everyday, i cant sleep thinking about the project and all the things i have to do in the course, including a presentacion. Its too much for me that i can handle, you can tell that my group feels really uncomfortable when im there, they probably hate me already, and everytime i see them its worse than the last time, i get even more nervous and quiet. If anyone has severe social anxiety and ever went through group work please help, i dont know what im going to do for the next 5 months.

Your being uncomfortable in front of them makes them uncomfortable too. That's normal. When they tell you that you should speak more, they are reaching out to you, letting you know that they want to get along with you. That's actually a golden opportunity to let them know that you have social anxiety and find group work situations intimidating. They would feel more comfortable with you around if they knew that this is just a challenging situation for you and not a reflection on them, and they would likely help you feel more comfortable and avoid pressuring you. The earlier you let them know, the better, in my opinion. If you're going to work together for 5 months, you want to get as much of the awkwardness out of the way as possible, and as early as possible.

At least that's the way I do things. I also have to do group work every week (physics class) and I won't lie, it's stressful. But everyone seems to be comfortable around me and I'm sure it's because I take the time to explain myself when people give me the opportunity to. Which is what "why are you so quiet/ you should speak more" is.

 

[Odo]

I also hate group work... usually I get stifled and I'm never happy with what the others come up with, and I always prefer doing everything myself. It works best if everyone has a different role and it's clearly defined what everyone is going to do.

I don't know your teacher, but I'm sure that they would help you with your problem as long as you were clear about it... teachers are supposed to be understanding of these things and there are all kinds of solutions to problems like this.

She wouldn't take you out of the group necessarily but she might be able to intervene and organize the roles and responsibilities so that you can get a better sense of what you're expected to do and what you don't have to worry about, so that you at least have control over that. She (he?) might also have some advice about how to get over your fears... unless he's a complete douche, you'll feel better for reaching out, I promise.

For me, presentations are only difficult if you don't know what you're doing... but as long as you know more than anyone else, you have control and you can be confident.

 

[mismeek]

Honestly its going to get better as the months go on. You will eventually get used to seeing them and interacting with them everyday. I know it makes you uncomfortable, but DO try to reach out. Even if its just ONE question a day. They will react positively to this because theyve already reached out and told you that you need to speak more, that shows that they are genuinely interested in you.

Ask them what high schools they went to, or what other classes they have.

I hope it works out for you. DON'T GIVE UP! YOU CAN DO IT!

 

[LeDiskoLove99]

I've always hated group work, it's scary and it's uncomfortable, especially in your situation. But honestly it's going to be fine, what you can do is take small steps to talk to them, perhaps even if it's just one day saying hello to everyone with smile. And the next day do a little more, and just keep moving like that. If they're uncomfortable, well that's really their problem. You can't force yourself to just become social. It takes time, but you should think of this as a good opportunity to learn, no matter how horrifying it may be. Just take it slowly and try to get to know them a little at a time. The more you know the people the easier it becomes. And try not to over think everything, you've got a problem with social situations, it happens, that's nothing to be ashamed of. You just need to take this as a learning experience and try to work on some of your issues. Again SLOWLY, don't push yourself too far because this is already stressful.

You'll get used to it over time, and eventually it won't be as hard, just work at it! You can do it! Just be patient, and really just give them as many little signs as you can that you're friendly. If you feel the need to, just come out and tell them hey I'm really nervous around new people so if I'm quiet that's why (if you can do that without traumatizing yourself, I've been there where even admitting to being socially anxious is too much)

Just remember that you CAN do this, I know it's horrible and upsetting, but the more you tell yourself that you CAN'T do it the more you're just discouraging yourself and forcing yourself further into being uncomfortable. Seriously, you CAN do this! It'll be ok. And remember when you go home you can easily leave these people behind, this doesn't have to follow you, just try your best and that's all you can do. It'll get better with time like I said, it really does. At first it's always miserable. Just keep going at it!

Keep us updated, please? I'd like to know how it goes for you.

I wish you the best of luck, and remember also that you have a whole group of people that you can come to who will support you during this, so you're surrounded by people who completely understand. I hope that comforts you like it comforts me. That's why were here, is it not?

 

[dottie]

HATE. group work.

 

[R3K]

you need good clutch phrases to use when ppl ask you that dreaded "why don't you talk more?" question...

I usually respond: "yeah, I haven't been sleeping well lately, I get super tired right before this class."

and if they ask why you're not sleeping well...

"I'm just super stressed in general, you know, financial and family issues... all that shit is just dragging my energy levels down."

and then just reassure them that you'll uphold your function in the group and u'll be fine.

 

[Scandic123]

I don't like group work either, but for me it's not so much the working-together part, but rather finding a group. I've always hated it when the teacher says "now go find a partner".

 

[Labyrinthine]

I just finished my first large group project last week. As much as the idea of group work makes me squirm, it really was a nice way to set up some connections with people. For me who can't approach people to save my life, it brought them to me. It's obviously too early to say much about it, but I am still holding conversations with two of the people.

Actually, all of the smaller group projects of partnering up in class have even been benefical when it comes to forming connections. For example, I had to partner with the person sitting next to me for one random class lab. It was a few weeks ago, but we still talk daily and I am under the impression he considers us friends (or at least on the verge of being friends). This would be the first friend I have had in a very long time.

 

[mismeek]

you need good clutch phrases to use when ppl ask you that dreaded "why don't you talk more?" question...

I usually respond: "yeah, I haven't been sleeping well lately, I get super tired right before this class."

and if they ask why you're not sleeping well...

"I'm just super stressed in general, you know, financial and family issues... all that shit is just dragging my energy levels down."

and then just reassure them that you'll uphold your function in the group and u'll be fine.

The not sleeping part is cool..but i dont know about the second part. I think thats a bit too heavy and depressing to say to people he doesnt really talk to.

You could also just say that you're not much of a talker..

 

[spider04]

After working with 3 other people at school on a project for about 2 months now and feeling just like you before, I am in the position now where I'm doing most of the work because I simply dominate the stuff better and can't work with them really if they don't understand how this has to be done, by the way we're working on a Java application. I can talk normally to them now, I even talk more than the other dude in the group who does almost nothing. Everything's a joke!

 

[Slytherin88]

I hate group work. I got so angry when I went to university and found out I still had to do it. Its MY degree. I'M paying for it, why should GROUP work impact on MY grades, especially if you had drop kicks in your group. That being said, social phobia aside, I survived (helped being in a smaller uni where lecturers knew your name) but I still hate it. Even now as a teacher, I hate it when for professional development I am put with colleagues that I like to do group work. its just a necessary evil I suppose.
I also have to make my students do group work, something they are assessed for unfortunately and I almost always give in when the shy kids come to me and beg me not to participate. BLERGH