girls: self esteem issues in a relationship

exquisite

Well-known member
everyone knows that in a relationship there has to be self esteem...but what if you feel threatened, ugly, when youre with you bf? i feel overly anxious whenever im with my bf & there happens to be an attractive girl with us, regardless of if we're at the mall, or in a restaurant, or even hanging out with friends. i constantly feel like im ugly, like i dont measure up, like my bf is sitting next to me & thinking "that girl is gorgeous, i wish i was with her" or "i wish my gf looked like her".

i was never like this. i was always fairly confident, self-assured, kinda knew i was attractive. i was comfortable in my own skin. but now, i feel like nobody, like im just getting less attractive by the second. im constantly worrying about my figure, my makeup, my hair, EVERYTHING. & it certainly isnt helping my sa.

of course, you should know, my bf is a self-proclaimed 'player'. & i know for a fact that he's been with many girls. i guess another thing is, every time we're out somewhere, he looks at other girls. & flirts. ...or maybe he doesnt flirt & its all in my head. maybe im just too paranoid & what is meaningless "niceness" to me is registered as flirtation. but regardless, i cant seem to help but get anxious every time we're out together.

& im like any girl, i get breakouts, i have bad hair days, i have days where i dont seem to fit into any cute clothes & nothing looks ok. but my bf, he always tells me im beautiful. even when i wake up in the morning, knowing i look like a monster. he always tells me im sexy & he wouldnt want to ever be with anyone else. but it just doesnt help. it also doesnt help that aparently my bf is wanted by every chick that seems to come our way.

plus, i dont have that many girlfriends...& now im starting to realize thats because im threatened.

does anyone else feel this way? how do you deal?
 

lunarla

Well-known member
Firstly - hi, I remember you! Welcome back.

And secondly - sighhhhhhhh, I know how that is. All too well, actually. Although there were other factors in the end of things with a certain person, my insecurity was probably the most prominent. And everything that goes with such a heightened level of insecurity. My thinking was warped beyond belief, and all I thought about at a certain point was my appearance. Not being perfect. Always knowing that there would be another girl who would be prettier than me (and thinking that that was reaaaaaaaaally important). In hindsight, I can see that being like that for so long significantly dulled down who I was as a person. I actually forgot who I was before I was consumed by all that nonsense. I was no longer interesting. I had nothing good to say that wasn't really negative and just... stupid and not important. It was sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought, "How could I ever be attractive to this person, why would he want me?" In the end, I made myselffffffffffff to be completely repulsive as a person, regardless of whatever he first saw in me.

So, I guess what I can now tell you from experience is that if you don't make a pretty significant effort to see things differently and combat your insecurity, it will inevitably end.
 

jus

Well-known member
I would bet $10000000 your BF is 100% serious when he tells you your beautiful when you wake up in the mornings.
I would tell my gf (ex now) the same thing when she woke up, even if her hair was all messy etc. She was so cute :)


You are gorgeous btw, so seriously you got nothing to worry about :)



& im like any girl, i get breakouts, i have bad hair days, i have days where i dont seem to fit into any cute clothes & nothing looks ok. but my bf, he always tells me im beautiful. even when i wake up in the morning, knowing i look like a monster. he always tells me im sexy & he wouldnt want to ever be with anyone else. but it just doesnt help. it also doesnt help that aparently my bf is wanted by every chick that seems to come our way.
 

exquisite

Well-known member
I would bet $10000000 your BF is 100% serious when he tells you your beautiful when you wake up in the mornings.
I would tell my gf (ex now) the same thing when she woke up, even if her hair was all messy etc. She was so cute :)


You are gorgeous btw, so seriously you got nothing to worry about :)
thank you =]...but not when i wake up in the mornings lol. you know, my only issue is his checking out other girls...& flirting. thats what really set it off in the first place. & idk how to deal with it.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Well, you are brave to date a 'player'. I don't think I would... (?)
Has he ever mentioned a future together? Has he ever shown 'serious intentions'? In both behavior and with words? Is he a trustworthy person? (Does he keep his word etc? Does he do what he said he would?) Is he respectful to you otherwise?
Or would you be okay with having an 'open marriage'? (& have you discussed this? They rarely work though, even Richard Branson lost his wife that way to another guy...)
Do your horoscopes match? :) (And plans/wishes for the future?)

If he flirts around, it may be just his habit... Or he might be getting bored...? What is your relationship like otherwise? How long have his relationships usually lasted? Have you been together longer than that? Or is it 'around that time'?
Things to consider... Is he 'in love with love' or willing to work things out, when you two may have misunderstandings? Do you guys know how to quarell (in a good way, and solve problems constructively, ideally in a creative win-win way)? Do you have good communication, common goals & wishes and values, overall?

A friend of mine dealt with her man by looking at girls and guys and commenting too.. ("Oh, isn't s/he hot/gorgeous?") Her ex-bf/husband was then kinda embarassed or even got jealous and was even more possessive of her.. But it really depends on the guy's character (or maybe horoscope? :)) and on the general dynamics in your relationship... and on how you do it lol.. This girl was not bi and was not interested in being with more than one man at once at all.. She also had some other habits that maybe worked with some guys, not sure how universally applicable they would be..

Do you have a life outside of relationship? Your plans/wishes/goals...? Things that make life exciting? Other friends... Getting good friends would be good, yup.. Maybe girls who already have boyfriends and are happy with them, or are not that competitive or interested in such guys at all.. (though he might take it as a challenge, hm) Or maybe you could be friends with couples?
It's good to be slightly careful, you can meet your female friends without him too, no? Or go to aerobics/pilates/shopping with them...?

You do look gorgeous, it's probably time to become aware of your other qualities too!!
I've read about men splitting up with good-looking girls if those stopped having a life of their own and just lived 'for the man'. So the best thing would be to build & maintain a life of your own, I guess.. Then if he's a part of it, cool. If not, you can survive too.. And as an independent woman you may still be a 'challenge' and attractive to him... At least that's the idea. May be easier said then done, though.

Still, if this guy doesn't respect you, you may find someone who will...

Oh, I must say that my Dad is flirty too.. Mom just waves her hand.. She's full aware of his many flaws, and says, 'Ah, who'll have you?' or such :) Dad is very Catholic and being faithful is very important to him, because his dad had cheated on his mom, who was then very miserable... Mom was also always pretty much independent and opinionated, had her job etc.
So, what's the attitude of your bf to faithfulness? Is he religious or not at all?
You can find out indirectly, by looking at his past, or asking in a general way.. 'Look at this article/film' and briefly say what happened in it, and ask his opinion, maybe ask 'What do men think' and see what he says... (he may still tease you or he might say what he thinks 'undercover'...?) You can even ask, 'What do you think of (famous couple accused of cheating, eg David Beckham and his wife..?)' Also, what kind of movies does he like? Where couples end up happy together and live well, or...? Does he make jokes degrading to women or not? Does he speak badly of other women or men, or married couples? Observe. One joke or comment may not mean much, if he says a lot of these things, hmm...? Is he even worthy of your time?

Also when he's 'flirting'/talking with these girls, what are you doing? Are you talking with attractive handsome men (this may work with some men, but may totally work the opposite with other people, so use caution) or with nice elderly people or other girls/interesting people overall? If you talk or laugh enthusiastically with someone (it must be genuine though) he might be interested and come take a look? You might even join the conversation with that girl and talk interestingly enough to charm them both? (Then she might want to be your friend and would not want to cheat on him out of respect to you! :) he he ideally) Gosh if he'd cheat on you he's not worthy of you anyway...

Not sure if it's wise to have your real name here on this board.. Last thing you want is for him to think you're 'too jealous' lol.. A little bit may be considered 'passionate' and attractive, too much is probably a turn-off to many.. We have a neighbour who is very jealous of her man, and he constantly put her down (he's more educated & was successful in his life).. It's not a pretty sight.. She's a gorgeous lovely woman otherwise...
 
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Sinar_Matahari

Well-known member
...but what if you feel threatened, ugly, when youre with you bf? ..... i constantly feel like im ugly, like i dont measure up, like my bf is sitting next to me & thinking "that girl is gorgeous, i wish i was with her" or "i wish my gf looked like her".....i was never like this. i was always fairly confident, self-assured, kinda knew i was attractive. i was comfortable in my own skin. but now, i feel like nobody, like im just getting less attractive by the second. im constantly worrying about my figure....
I can relate to this. Looking back, I've always been at my most confident when I was single. Once I got into a relationship or I developed an interest in someone is when I began to feel that I could never measure up to that person's ideals or expectations. For example: if I were with a man who would normally have a preference for blond Caucasian women, I'm going to feel insecure and not as good looking as such women even if I would normally happen to find myself more attractive than a particular woman with those physical traits. I think it's normal to want to please or be attractive for one's mate or love interest, but I allow my insecurity to reach a whole other level. This pisses me off about myself because it's obvious that I seek validation that my partner thinks I'm the best thing that happened to him. This is something I would like to change about myself. Then it doesn't help to know that there are people out there who compare their mates to others or wish that their mates looked more like someone else. In the past I've wondered, "He likes women who are ______ . How could I ever measure up to this? He'll always be looking at and wanting the opposite of me" Then I've had moments when I thought of changing myself to be more like what my man wanted when I'm fundamentally content with what I have. Sure, I'd love to get a nose job and possibly breast augmentation, but that's a change I personally would like to undergo regardless of what others think. However, I would be apprehensive in getting these things done if my man did not wish it.

of course, you should know, my bf is a self-proclaimed 'player'. & i know for a fact that he's been with many girls. i guess another thing is, every time we're out somewhere, he looks at other girls. & flirts....
This is such a pain in the ass. It is difficult for some to be with a highly desirable person, with a person who's attention/interest strays or someone who gets bored quickly. One has to either really not be into their partner or be really confident in oneself and have a lot of trust in their mate. I've been with a few boyfriends who were wanted by other women. It doesn't help that some people simply want what others want or what others have and that there can always be temptation to stray. I'd get jealous if I was crazy about someone, but I'd know that I won't take my jealousy out on them or on the threat, I'd take it out on myself for not being "good enough". I'd end up exploding eventually and that is not a very pleasant side of me.

but my bf, he always tells me im beautiful. even when i wake up in the morning, knowing i look like a monster. he always tells me im sexy & he wouldn't want to ever be with anyone else. but it just doesn't help. it also doesn't help that apparently my bf is wanted by every chick that seems to come our way.
This is something that we first have to learn to believe ourselves. That and we have to have trust and faith that our partner is being truthful when they say they think we are beautiful. I haven't been able to deal very well with this in the past. I'm getting too old for this nonsense so I have to figure out a way to overcome this.

The one time I didn't feel so insecure (there's always some insecurity) in a relationship was when I was with a guy who had no problem showing me how much he was attracted to me. I fit his ideal and this was a major confidence boost. There was nothing about me he didn't like and so I didn't have a problem when he would tell me how hot he thought another girl was hot. I also had a lot going for me at the time so I was more confident. Even when others were pursuing him, I always had faith that he wouldn't stray so I felt safe.
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
exquisite, maybe you need to listen to this song: YouTube - Joe Nichols - Gimmie That Girl

Also read this comment underneath:
My fiance sings this too me constantly:) It's our song:) He says thats his favorite thing about the morning is being able to wake up with my head on his chest, my hair in a messy bun, and absolutely no makeup on. And how I randomly break out dancing :) I love you baby, forever and always <33
MissSouthernBelle34
I knew a gorgeous girl who was totally afraid anyone would see her in the morning with no make-up... (?)
YOU are not the make-up or your clothes... you are much more... the soul that lives within.. the spark in your eyes.. the smile.. your unique way of looking at the world...
I've been told by some guys that they don't like make-up, it was quite surprising...

Katie, so sorry to hear about your bad experiences... hope you got your health checked out and that all is well..
 
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jus

Well-known member
When I was younger I was like i'd never ever cheat blah blah blah..
Then I got cheated on a few times *by the same hussi..errr girl) and it totaly changed my perspective to think "you goto get them before they get you". I was cheating just for the sake of being able to also say "well.... i also cheated on you" when they told me they cheated on me. Made me thinking cheating was the normal thing to do.

Over the last few years my thinking has gone back to normal and now I relise most girls dont cheat. Its amazing though how one person can scew your mind over for a long long time.

I shouldnt say this.. but Im very honest.. :p It is a great feeling when the guy who your gf cheated with is walking around with a cast around his broken arm =) (only applicable if the guy knew your gf had a bf)

<rant> while im on my rant... the hole "oh i got drunk and didnt relise what I was doing" realy pisses me off me. When your drunk you no exactly what your doing, you just think in the back of your mind im drunk so I can get away with this... and maybe stop drinking so much if it turns you into a whore </end rant>

Back to the topic at hand though :p You probably dont want to hear this, but if your not happy and the problems are making you feel bad, maybe its time to find another BF. (even if its all in your mind).
Your a hottie, and you will have no problems finding a guy who gives you 100% attention. Or Maybe evan dont have a BF for a while and enjoy being yourself :)
Wether what you think is happening is true or not, you need to start being confident in yourself or the same thoughts will be happening with every relationship you have. I've come to relise if your not happy in the relationship, whats the point of being in it.
 
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Section_31

Well-known member
I agree with everything feathers said...unfortunately i couldnt read all of it, im out of the office in 3 minutes and my internet connection has 30 seconds left, ill post more at home!!!
 

MaliceInWickedland

Well-known member
I pretty much agree with everyone on this one. Dating probably is one of the biggest culprits in crumbling my self - esteem. The part I hate the most about it is that I'm afraid to date, but at the same time I want someone to love and love me in return. No way I'll ever get my hopes up again though since my love life is absolute crap. I started out with online dating and have dated 3 guys online, all of which worked out very well, but we eventually lost touch and I've only dated two guys in real life, both of which cheated on me, one of them with a "good friend" I knew since first grade no less...

You can skip the next two paragraphs unless you're really bored or actually care ::p:
I just really needed to vent these out...

My first boyfriend was a cute Korean basketball player who I sat next to in my Forensic Science class. We had to introduce ourselves to each other on the first day of school and he seemed very nice and was probably the only guy who had talked to me like a normal human being. I never thought for a second he would become my boyfriend after two days of knowing each other. Even more to my surprise, he's the one who told me he thought I was "hot" (I now realize what a complete liar he was...) and wanted to date me. So when we got together, things were extremely awkward between us because we barely knew each other and I told him very few things about me when he was trying to get to know me. He made it obvious that he didn't like the fact that I was shy, which is stupid because I specifically warned him before we started dating that I was extremely shy. So after a week of "dating", if you could call it that, I was in line with my best friend to get lunch and saw him talking to this really cute girl. I didn't get too jealous at first because I thought they were just friends, but then he started being a bit too playful with her, messing with her hair, poking her, and then... he kissed her. I never confronted him about it, I simply stopped answering his calls, texts, and ignored him in Forensics. The worst part is, our seats never changed in that class and we had to sit next to each other for the whole year. Very uncomfortable and stressful...

My second boyfriend was an average looking skater I me in biology my Sophomore year. He was also shy and had a great personality from what I knew. That same year he asked my best friend out and I got pretty jealous, but I didn't think I actually liked him at the time. Then last year towards the end of my Junior year, my other friend who was also friends with the skater told me he liked me. I thought it over and realized I liked him too, and we eventually got together. We were together for almost a month and everything was great - he accepted me for who I was and didn't mind my extreme shyness. As expected, everything eventually went downhill. We had a misunderstanding, but we didn't break up since neither of us asked to "take a break" or anything of the sort, nor agreed to it. A few days later he came over to my house and we talked it over and were fine again, but I noticed he was acting a bit strange. Later that day I got a text from my friend (the one who told me the skater liked me) asking me if we were still together and I said yeah and she started freaking out and told me that he had kissed her on the way home from summer school the same day we had the misunderstanding (They live near each other and usually walk home together.) When I confronted him about it, he said it was true but tried to use the excuse that it wasn't "cheating" because we were fighting, but I told him that neither of us had agreed to officially break it off, thus meaning we were still together. I also found out my friend and him had liked each other before, making me all the more suspicious. Lucky me has a class with him this year, the last class of the day on top of it... Way to finish off my Senior year....

Now with all that crap out of the way:

Why do people cheat?? I never once thought of cheating on someone, the thought alone disgusts me. I don't understand what I did to make my ex's cheat on me, other than being shy. Is being socially inept really that big a turn off to guys?? I'm a romantic at heart and need someone who will not only love me for who I am, but someone who will remain by my side no matter what. But I guess even that is too much to ask for from the world today...
 
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exquisite

Well-known member
you know, i think cheating is either an adrenaline rush or an ego boost. like having your cake & eating it too. i think its despicable & any decent human being in their right mind would never cheat on their significant other. there's a reason they're called a "significant" other. if youre gonna cheat, why even be with that person? i mean, its a HUGE emotional blow to the other person. it's just inhumane.

ive actually asked my bf why he flirts. hell, he had a party at his house 1 time & this chick WOULD NOT step off & kept coming onto him, i mean, like in his face coming on. & it was very clear we were together. i told him once. he's like, ok, ill get my friend to hit on her. nope. she kept on flirting with my bf. i told him the second time. we actually walked into another room & got into an argument. "ok ok, ill push her off", he said. then, this chick & another girl were outside his house, he playfully took their beers, while we were walking by them. then he's like, "gimme a sec, you go into the house, i'll give them their beers back." i was about to walk into the house, but a friend of mine was 'trying to mack' on some guy on the front porch & i was kinda cock blocking her lol. so i walked back to my bf, since the front door was locked. & when i walked to the back of the house, i see my bf in the middle of about 6 girls, 1 of them was the flirting biyotch. & he's standing right next to her with his hand on her shoulder or neck or something, rubbing her shoulder. are you freaking kidding me?! i grabbed his hand & pulled him away, as he's like "babe, why are you pulling me?". i was livid. i mean, are you joking? in his drunken state, he told me the chick was like "you're such a player" & know what he said??? "yeah, im a player."

w.t.f.

i flat out told him that if he wants to fk her, to go right ahead, im going home, he can call me in the morning, lemme know how it went. seriously. & then i asked why the fk he went there in the first place! he told me it was an ego thing, like it raises his self esteem. like, thats why he does what he does, because he has self esteem issues & its an ego boost for him when girls hit on him.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Oh gosh. I knew a guy who was a player once. I've been warned lol. It was still a rush cause he knew 'all the right moves' ha ha.. But luckily he went for my cousin then, and she wouldn't have him either, ha ha.. It can be a thrill to be with a person like that, can you manage it long-term? Do you even want to??
Not sure if you can ever 'reform' a 'player' - unless he really wants to change? (Or if he gets really old and no other women want him anymore? Worked for Charlie Chaplin and some others, I think..) Sometimes guys just think they need to 'enjoy the youth'?? Some girls too, okay..
So maybe just enjoy it for the fun of it (if you really need to) and then find someone better?
Or maybe he is 'just all talk' - some men can pretend to be Casanovas/Don Juans and can be quite 'harmless' really? There's an elderly guy who always hits on female acquaintances but it's just for laughs really.. I wouldn't want to be his wife though lol.. I think.. she just rolls eyes though...
Maybe he was just flattered by your jealous behavior and their attention?

There are books online that supposedly tell you how to get a guy to become committed, I don't know if any of them work with a true Don Juan though..

My Dad actually warned me to 'not go for a very 'hot'/really gorgeous' partner, that it might make him/her more likely to cheat... (Mom doesn't like to hear this lol, of course!! :D)

Malice, you really are 'hot' and beautiful too, lots of young guys aren't that serious about girls though, sadly!!
I wouldn't really call a kiss to be 'cheating', it depends what the people agree upon though.. And also depending on what it was like... Some cultures (eg Spanish) kiss as a form of greeting, for relatives or friends or acquaintances even, it means nothing more than a friendly 'hello' there...
Wishing you someone who can appreciate you and is more reliable than these guys though!!

Gunman, don't agree with everything before you read it, lol!! :)

Exquisite - what can I say? Sounds like a tough situation... You don't know if it's the alcohol or his character... (Some people only do stupid things when drunk..) Does he have an alcohol problem perhaps? Or is it just occasional and doesn't happen often? What's his horoscope sign? :) Some are notorious to be flirts..
 
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Section_31

Well-known member
Gunman, don't agree with everything before you read it, lol!! :)


My wife would be quick to point out this has gotten me in trouble before!^
 

exquisite

Well-known member
Oh gosh. I knew a guy who was a player once. I've been warned lol. It was still a rush cause he knew 'all the right moves' ha ha.. But luckily he went for my cousin then, and she wouldn't have him either, ha ha.. It can be a thrill to be with a person like that, can you manage it long-term? Do you even want to??
Not sure if you can ever 'reform' a 'player' - unless he really wants to change? (Or if he gets really old and no other women want him anymore? Worked for Charlie Chaplin and some others, I think..) Sometimes guys just think they need to 'enjoy the youth'?? Some girls too, okay..
So maybe just enjoy it for the fun of it (if you really need to) and then find someone better?
Or maybe he is 'just all talk' - some men can pretend to be Casanovas/Don Juans and can be quite 'harmless' really? There's an elderly guy who always hits on female acquaintances but it's just for laughs really.. I wouldn't want to be his wife though lol.. I think.. she just rolls eyes though...
Maybe he was just flattered by your jealous behavior and their attention?

There are books online that supposedly tell you how to get a guy to become committed, I don't know if any of them work with a true Don Juan though..

My Dad actually warned me to 'not go for a very 'hot'/really gorgeous' partner, that it might make him/her more likely to cheat... (Mom doesn't like to hear this lol, of course!! :D)

Malice, you really are 'hot' and beautiful too, lots of young guys aren't that serious about girls though, sadly!!
I wouldn't really call a kiss to be 'cheating', it depends what the people agree upon though.. And also depending on what it was like... Some cultures (eg Spanish) kiss as a form of greeting, for relatives or friends or acquaintances even, it means nothing more than a friendly 'hello' there...
Wishing you someone who can appreciate you and is more reliable than these guys though!!

Gunman, don't agree with everything before you read it, lol!! :)

Exquisite - what can I say? Sounds like a tough situation... You don't know if it's the alcohol or his character... (Some people only do stupid things when drunk..) Does he have an alcohol problem perhaps? Or is it just occasional and doesn't happen often? What's his horoscope sign? :) Some are notorious to be flirts..
lol he's a cancer, as am i. the thing is, its not just when he's drunk. in fact, i almost want to say, he's more attentive & loving towards me when he's drunk. but when he's sober, or even a little tipsy, he'll call out to girls to get their attention, hell, he'll even talk to a victoria's secret cashier. i was returning something 1 day & he just tagged along & he was making random comments to the girl, to get her to laugh. wtf. thats not being nice. thats obvious flirting. but god forbid i tell him how i feel about it. just the other day, we were at a restaurant together in a local mall. they sat us right by a window into the mall & i swear, he was looking at all the girls passing by. heck, there was a cute waitress walking by & every single time she walked by, his head turned. i mean, we're having dinner together for christ's sakes! & when i brought it up, he blew up at me. in fact, i believe his exact words were "well it's meaningless, so why dont you just ignore it?" in fact, he told me its not even intentional, that he just looks, he doesnt know why, but he's not checking them out, according to him because he's not thinking "dang, i wanna bone that girl right now." so wtf is he thinking then? why the hell is he looking?

just yesterday, he told me he isnt happy when i start putting myself down every day, every morning. saying im fat, i gained weight, i hate my hair, i hate my constant breakouts. it apparently "irritates" him. we got into a huge fight about it fkn a, are you joking? because i used to have the ego of megan fox. i thought i was the queen of all that is good & holy in this world lol. or at least i believed it for half the time, regardless if i felt that way or not. & now? well, how would you feel if you had a bf that constantly, CONSTANTLY looks at other girls when he's with you. & i have self esteem issues like any other girl, & my goddamn SA certainly doesnt help. hell, i dont even wanna be around other girls when im with him. i swear to god, he'll kiss me every now & then, but be urging the other girl to drink shots with him, or tease her about something. maybe i am paranoid. but i know flirting when i see it.
 

Waybuloo

Well-known member
First of all I don't think any girl should get involved with a player if she is serious about him and the relationship, let alone someone with self esteem issues, that's just self esteem suicide. Maybe in your confident previous persona you were better prepared and matched to deal with someone like your bf, but at the moment you are not. It's best for any body with self esteem issues to get away from a relationship to sort themselves out, because being self critical, self doubting, and therefore constantly asking for assurance are not traits that can keep a normal man interested and committed, unless he's a martyr or has an exceptional heart and patience, or a man who doesnt' think he can get anyone better and is desperate for any abeit stressful relationship. If I were you i'd break up with him, wether i'm pretty in real life or not, because your perception of yourself is the most important. When you have self belief and confidence, it makes your bf more interested in you as well. If you stay with him you'll just continue to destroy your self esteem with the way you are going, unless you go into therapy, which is best undertaken with a supportive relationship and network anyways.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
lol he's a cancer, as am i. the thing is, its not just when he's drunk. in fact, i almost want to say, he's more attentive & loving towards me when he's drunk. but when he's sober, or even a little tipsy, he'll call out to girls to get their attention, hell, he'll even talk to a victoria's secret cashier. i was returning something 1 day & he just tagged along & he was making random comments to the girl, to get her to laugh. wtf. thats not being nice. thats obvious flirting. but god forbid i tell him how i feel about it. just the other day, we were at a restaurant together in a local mall. they sat us right by a window into the mall & i swear, he was looking at all the girls passing by. heck, there was a cute waitress walking by & every single time she walked by, his head turned. i mean, we're having dinner together for christ's sakes! & when i brought it up, he blew up at me. in fact, i believe his exact words were "well it's meaningless, so why dont you just ignore it?" in fact, he told me its not even intentional, that he just looks, he doesnt know why, but he's not checking them out, according to him because he's not thinking "dang, i wanna bone that girl right now." so wtf is he thinking then? why the hell is he looking?

just yesterday, he told me he isnt happy when i start putting myself down every day, every morning. saying im fat, i gained weight, i hate my hair, i hate my constant breakouts. it apparently "irritates" him. we got into a huge fight about it fkn a, are you joking? because i used to have the ego of megan fox. i thought i was the queen of all that is good & holy in this world lol. or at least i believed it for half the time, regardless if i felt that way or not. & now? well, how would you feel if you had a bf that constantly, CONSTANTLY looks at other girls when he's with you. & i have self esteem issues like any other girl, & my goddamn SA certainly doesnt help. hell, i dont even wanna be around other girls when im with him. i swear to god, he'll kiss me every now & then, but be urging the other girl to drink shots with him, or tease her about something. maybe i am paranoid. but i know flirting when i see it.
I had a crush on a Cancer like that once... He was very flirty too.. (and so was his twin brother!!) Are you dating one of them?? OoO
I was warned about them though.. And after a friend dated one of them, and then kinda felt bad about it, I saw that it was better to stay away.. (I was much younger then, what can I say? lol)

Such people can be very charming.. and of course you can think, 'Ah, I'll make him faithful, for the time I'm with him at least' or such.. Not sure if it ever works...??
Sometimes the teasing and the comments can work like fire.. have you fallen for it too? Sometimes it can be just harmless flirting though.. Most waitresses are at least somewhat immune to flirting from guests, most of their male guests usually hit on them anyway.. Some just flirt back 'profesionally', to sell more stuff!! And especially for those that came as couples, they may think, 'What a perv' or something! (quoting a waitress!!)
Maybe you can regard it kinda like when people look at photos of Brad Pitt and lament how gorgeous he is.. (which I don't think he is at all!!)
Has he ever criticised you, or not?

Waybuloo is right, men hate it if a woman puts herself down, especially if in front of them. You may be 'fishing for compliments', but actually you are decreasing your value in his eyes.

Men like advertising: you have to boast about how awesome you are (if anything) lol or at least don't mention it...
If he's with you, he's with you for a reason, because he likes you, you're actually insulting his taste if you put yourself down. That was a big eye-opener for me when I read it..

Some men like curves.. Some VERY attractive men like (and are married to or partnered up with) women that are apparently overweight and they still adore'em!! (Often maybe their mom was a bit overweight too, so it's natural for him that a woman gains weight..)

If you don't tell'em you gained weight or got zits, he may not notice it!!
Why would you want to tell him things like that?? Is he your nutricionist/dietitian or personal exercise coach or modiste/seamstress? He doesn't need to know!!
Every woman needs to have some secrets anyway!! :)

That's good advice for any next man you might be with too!!

Call it silly, you might wanna check compatibility with this guy (you can find some things for free on astro.com ) I have no idea how compatible two Cancers would be... Some people are sceptical about horoscopes and of course they aren't scientific, they could maybe just give some additional insight into personal dynamics between you two.. and it might be easier to dump him then, lol!

You might also ask yourself, do you really want this guy (even though he is gorgeous & charming, but putting you down) or would you prefer someone maybe a little less charming, and true & faithful to you?

Not sure why you have on Facebook status: interested in men - does he still have 'interested in women' on his FB too? Usually people, when they're serious about each other, put each other as 'official' partners too, hm? Or look for friendship or networking on FB..

The 'official' status of your relationship is something that is better addressed by a man though.. If he's anything like the guys I mentioned, it's difficult to know what it's about anyway, and they may date many girls in a row..

You might wanna take some time off from 'looking for a man' after you break up with him though, and work on your confidence and self-esteem inbetween...

Do you have any fun interests and hobbies? Might wanna take more interest in those and that will make you more irresistible to any men you come across anyway!!

If you dump him or not, you need energy sources outside the relationship too.. Other people and activities.. It seems like all you do right now is obsess over what he does.. He might be looking for 'easy' energy sources in other women and flirting maybe.. or for 'new prey'.. or just for harmless fun..

Does he exercise or eat healthy? Do you? You could both eg go jogging or hiking together..? Or volunteer with 'safe activities' (or would his flirting with an elderly homeless person bother you too?) Does he flirt/is courteous to unattractive older females too? (Then he might be just 'nice'?)

Some people flirt and mean nothing by it, or just to be nice.. I've sometimes been enthusiastic about things and people misunderstood it for flirting too, and some guys can be misinterpreted too (and maybe just don't see well - eyesight problems+vanity!! so they look at a girl deeply! more than a few girls have fallen this!!..) Some guys just tease girls and mean nothing by it - they just like to tease!! Maybe he's actually just teasing you to get a reaction out of you? If you tried ignoring it, would he stop?

Sorry can't be more helpful.. I am not a fortune teller... If a relationship is making you miserable, not sure if it's worth it??
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
Some more options here: Will a guy tease you and try to get your attention if he DOESN'T like you?? - Yahoo!7 Answers
Guys can tease a girl (or a few) even if they don't mean anything with it...

Not sure if this is helpful or not, lol.. Anyway, hope things get better!! Maybe schedule a vacation in a spa, or visit friends or relatives and see how it goes without seeing him for a while if you can't decide just yet!!
Waybuloo has a good point, seriously think about it! Your health and mental health come first, you know!!
 
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exquisite

Well-known member
he has never criticized me or put me down in any way...other than looking at other people. & the funny thing is, i know he's actually checking people out. why? because hell will freeze over before he turns his head to look at a chubby, "unattractive" girl. i know exactly what type he goes for. petite, make-up, hell, even taller than him. just as long as she's "attractive". i say that with quotes because beauty is in the eye of the beholder....i just know what his eye beholds.
a chubby girl can walk by, no way in hell will he turn to look. but a petite waitress? or some 'cute' girls walking around in a mall? will always look.
i mean, we've been together for over a year now, & i really truly do love him. but its just getting to be too much disrespect.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
This might seem strange but... I never have self esteem issues when I'm in relationship. I just feel secure and content.

No matter who my man talks to I don't care because I already assume I'm hot enough. If a girl is hotter than me, it doesn't matter, I'm more interesting. If they are smarter than me, it doesn't matter, they can't dance like me. If they are richer than me, it doesn't matter, they haven't traveled the world like me. They are very few girls who are a triple threat so the odds are against them.
Great post!! :)

I kinda feel the same, often. I'm not so hot maybe as this girl - but maybe she has an annoying voice or more uneventful personality or limited topics to talk about, or snores?? :) We never see some flaws at first sight.. hanging out with some very beautiful people has taught me that!! :) Even if someone is more attractive, there's a chance they may admire you because of some things - beauty/attraction is just one tiny aspect of anyone's whole personality...
Everyone has a unique view of the world and a unique personality and as 'whole package' people are usually one of a kind...

If a guy looks ONLY at how 'hot'/attractive a girl is, chances are he might be looking for a 'new model' in his 40s or 50s (or sooner)... I don't want to be with a guy like that, ha ha!! And that's actually one of the benefits of not being so terribly attractive!! :)
I rarely wear make-up these days (because it's not very eco, and some has iffy ingredients...) so maybe it keeps Don Juans away too?? lol
I like to think people like me for other qualities, not only how I look!!

Insecurities in friendships... hmm?? Depends who you hang out with!! I guess... (The above-thinking has helped me in friendships too.. even with attractive female friends or such.. getting to know them and how they think etc has helped me realized they are not so 'perfect' as I thought first, that they have problems and dilemmas too, that they are 'real people' and not just pretty puppets etc.)
 
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