Find yourself? What the heck?

[OceanMist]

I bring this up because it's so common in these forums for people to answer your problem with "find yourself" type answers.

That's such a condescending way of trying to help someone.

You are implying that there is so much wrong with me that I need to become a better person.

There is something wrong with me, I'm shy, but I gotta tell you, besides that, I'm a pretty freaking good person.

A lot of other people on these forums are good people. They don't need to find themselves!

What we do need to do is find a way to connect with other people and find some friends and intimate relationships. That's not finding yourself....it's finding other people.

Instead of focusing on us, we need to focus more on others.

Just a rant, let me know what you think about this with your feedback. Especially common users of this forum.

 

[Hellhound]

Find myself? Let me see... Oh here I am. I am in my room. -shot-

On a serious note:

There are some people here that need serious help before they can interact with anyone, so it's partially true. But others, in my opinion, aren't that messed up. They just need some understanding.

 

[1BlackSheep]

What we do need to do is find a way to connect with other people and find some friends and intimate relationships. That's not finding yourself....it's finding other people.

And by "finding yourself" - meaning finding things in life that you enjoy and bring you happiness - you're likely to connect with other people and make the friendships/intimate relationships that you're hoping to come across. That's all! No need to read so much into it.

 

[BlueDays]

I never used to understand why people would suggest to "find Yourself" as well. Same as you I did not think that would help me in any way.

During my short stint with my last therapist (the best so far) she started talking about the fact that I needed to figure out what I wanted in life and what I liked and disliked.

I suddenly realized that I had never even considered that what I wanted/liked/disliked could be taken into account.
I never felt like my feelings and desires where ever "good enough" to be considered in the equation.
Therefore I had no idea what ME consisted of.:idontknow:

People with social anxiety often don't seem to think that things about them matter. They are constantly adjusting themselves to "fit" into what other people want from them, to be liked or to fit in with those around them. So they don't pay enough attention to what makes themselves tick.

So I think people who suggest that you "find yourself" means figuring out what YOU want and what YOU like/dislike, what makes YOU tick etc.
Then you may be able to connect with someone better because you are able to "keep" yourself intact and not feel so compelled to change yourself to fit into someones expectations, which can be a recipe for disaster in terms of starting a relationship.

That is just how I see it anyway.

 

[CaptainArgh]

Hey Oceanmist,

Since I ended my thread that way I feel I should respond. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I arrogantly defined the solution to everyones problem as finding themselves. The solution in my case is relevant, due to identity issues. I sincerely apologise if I was condascending; I ensure you it wasn't my intention.

Digging a little deeper, my identity crisis was created by feeling trapped by my avoidant behaviour - so many of my reactions to outside stilumi were a processed, defensive reaction born of behaviours developed earlier in my life. I found the question especially difficult as I analysed my past and appreciated that my defensive behaviours had been occuring for so long that I appreciated that I had lost the years of adult development that I might "normally" have had. My problem is that I am also excessively co-dependent and I tend to define myself through others, at least those I form intimate relationships with.

So, the advice "find yourself" is relevant to myself, my diagnosis, and is a result of the choices I have made in my life to find myself where I am at this stage. The comment was for "us" with a similar problem, issue, diagnosis and those struggling with similar lack of identity due to AvPD. For me that's step 1 - then I can get on with exactly as you say - developing intimate relationships with each other - it's my goal too Oceanmist.

Again, I apologise if I gave the impression I was assuming that everyone was the same, that everyone had my problem, and that my solution was everyones solution. Underneath all this I think of myself as a humble guy, and I wouldnt presume to do so.

The answers I refer to that we need to find for ourselves are in relation to what causes our self destructive behaviour, what it was that made us withdraw in the first place and see that as a valid solution, what coping strategies we could find to help us through triggering episodes etc.

 

[FollowMe]

Find yourself = don't be afraid to be yourself completely

Also, there's nothing wrong with improving yourself in little ways. For example, if one were to have a habit of punching people in the face, it would be wise for him to improve this area of his life (although that doesn't seem like a "little" improvement haha).

Finding yourself also has to do with exploring yourself so that you know what you can embrace.

 

[coyote]

i remember finding myself once at Sears

my mother told me to stop

i was a lot younger

 

[Hellhound]

i remember finding myself once at Sears

my mother told me to stop

i was a lot younger

Ok, I think I died.

 

[BlackPuma]

It means analysing one's self in a factual fashion (with as few pre-judgements as possible) and making a plan based on what you find.

Having need to 'find yourself' doesn't mean you're a bad person. It makes you're a troubled person (in ever which way). And we're all troubled in one way or another here, otherwise we wouldn't be here.

 

[Dakiaris]

I bring this up because it's so common in these forums for people to answer your problem with "find yourself" type answers.

That's such a condescending way of trying to help someone.

You are implying that there is so much wrong with me that I need to become a better person.

There is something wrong with me, I'm shy, but I gotta tell you, besides that, I'm a pretty freaking good person.

A lot of other people on these forums are good people. They don't need to find themselves!

What we do need to do is find a way to connect with other people and find some friends and intimate relationships. That's not finding yourself....it's finding other people.

Instead of focusing on us, we need to focus more on others.

Just a rant, let me know what you think about this with your feedback. Especially common users of this forum.

I understand the view you have on that because the "find yourself" statement has always annoyed me when someone said it to me.... I always thought that I knew myself and my feelings but I was put in a situation the other day where I was so worried and angry at the same time and couldn't figure out why.... I realized after awhile that I've been suppressing feelings I have for someone for like 6 years..... Figuring this out I told her bluntly how I felt because I felt I had to do it.. I don't know if the feels the same way but me telling her how I felt calmed her down and she's been much happier since then... It has me in a lot of pain after admitting to her because she's still with her bf but the situation is over and she's feeling better and she knows I'll always be willing to help her with any situation...

My point is that the statement find yourself is a mix bag... Sometimes you can know all about yourself but 1 thing that you want the most that you avoid on a subconscious level and it causes you mental discomfort and you just can't figure out why... Those I think have to have a trigger to be able to fill them out.... It doesn't fully help you but it does give you a better situational awareness and make you want to seek help more. So I don't think the phrase they are saying is really going to help you coming from them it's more of a self discovery that will come over time if the situation arises.... I think most people say it not to be condescending but because they realize there's something in everyone that needs self discovery...

I'm sorry this post is so long I just over think answers so I tend to throw a wall of text at people... I just wish I could talk like that in person and not feel anxious to the point I have issues breathing... The thread I posted on here the other day I put after realizing how I felt for someone and I'm trying to get self help through the form of others support.... Strangers I don't know or care about can help me if they just talk and listen to me... Them paired with the people that I love who love me both pushing me to do something when it's important helps me to get the will to at least deal with the situation head on without running away.... I get so anxious that it makes me feel sick or like I'm going to die *in this case that description fits more then you'll know* but I can still do it and get what I need to do out of the way...

Again I'm sorry I went back and read this and realized I got so off point... I'm ending the post here this is just my thoughts on the subject and a few off of the subject..

 

[Barrier]

I never used to understand why people would suggest to "find Yourself" as well. Same as you I did not think that would help me in any way.

During my short stint with my last therapist (the best so far) she started talking about the fact that I needed to figure out what I wanted in life and what I liked and disliked.

I suddenly realized that I had never even considered that what I wanted/liked/disliked could be taken into account.
I never felt like my feelings and desires where ever "good enough" to be considered in the equation.
Therefore I had no idea what ME consisted of.:idontknow:

People with social anxiety often don't seem to think that things about them matter. They are constantly adjusting themselves to "fit" into what other people want from them, to be liked or to fit in with those around them. So they don't pay enough attention to what makes themselves tick.

So I think people who suggest that you "find yourself" means figuring out what YOU want and what YOU like/dislike, what makes YOU tick etc.
Then you may be able to connect with someone better because you are able to "keep" yourself intact and not feel so compelled to change yourself to fit into someones expectations, which can be a recipe for disaster in terms of starting a relationship.

That is just how I see it anyway.

Very familiar. I find the question 'what do you like?' a very difficult question. Something most people don't understand. But I just turn all blank in my head when I get asked that...

 

[thor01]

Very familiar. I find the question 'what do you like?' a very difficult question. Something most people don't understand. But I just turn all blank in my head when I get asked that...

Maybe you could just say......"I only know what I don't like" haha!

But anyway another way I look at "finding yourself", is ..."creating yourself". That way its more like your taking responsibility and aiming towards whatever picture of what you'd like, in your head, or creating that picture if its not there.

 

[Hermit The Frog]

many people don't realize that there is no identity without a "we"... that means if you don't belong in a social group, you'll never figure out how to "find yourself"

So an advice like, "find yourself" being told to a person who is social phobic is like an advice saying, "well, just stop being depressed!" to a depressed person

 

[Roman Legion]

'Finding yourself' to me reminds me of what Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." If you do not examine your life, yourself, your life is not really worth living. Hope that makes sense.

 

[laure15]

^I second this. You can't spend your whole life living according to other people's expectations. You need to find out what you want, what you need, what's in your heart.

 

[NeedNewAlphabet]

I suddenly realized that I had never even considered that what I wanted/liked/disliked could be taken into account.
I never felt like my feelings and desires where ever "good enough" to be considered in the equation.
Therefore I had no idea what ME consisted of.

Ding! Ding! Ding! (The sound of a bell going off in my head). Thank you for saying that.

I have often had the strange experience of feeling and expressing concern for somebody while I myself was in a situation that was a bit similar only far worse. I cared about the other person but not me. When I did express concern it was always to a third party rather than the person with the problem, since (I thought) I wouldn't be listened to and there was nothing I could do anyway, but maybe the third party could do something.

I would say I was a bystander in my own life except that implies I was deeper into it than I was.

I wondered if that was what the term "depersonalization" meant. I looked it up and it turns out it wasn't, so I was left with something that didn't even have a name. I was afraid to tell anybody about it, not even my therapist. Except for right here, right now, I still am.

I've recovered from that enough that most of the time I feel more like a person than a non-entity shaped like a person, but it hasn't gone away by any means.

 

[NeedNewAlphabet]

many people don't realize that there is no identity without a "we"... that means if you don't belong in a social group, you'll never figure out how to "find yourself"

I don't know if I buy that. There are things about my identity that don't require another person at all. There are things about it that require interacting with others in ways that don't exactly make me and the others a "we". There are things about my ideal self that involve me being a part of some "we", but that's far from being my whole identity. The idea of needing to be part of a "we" to have any identity sounds too close to not having an identity and borrowing one from somebody else.

 

[WishingICould]

I bring this up because it's so common in these forums for people to answer your problem with "find yourself" type answers.

That's such a condescending way of trying to help someone.

You are implying that there is so much wrong with me that I need to become a better person.

There is something wrong with me, I'm shy, but I gotta tell you, besides that, I'm a pretty freaking good person.

A lot of other people on these forums are good people. They don't need to find themselves!

What we do need to do is find a way to connect with other people and find some friends and intimate relationships. That's not finding yourself....it's finding other people.

Instead of focusing on us, we need to focus more on others.

Just a rant, let me know what you think about this with your feedback. Especially common users of this forum.

If some one says that you should "find yourself", i don't think they mean it in a negative way. I think it means not so much bettering yourself, more getting to know yourself better. Trying to find out what you want, like, need. If you know yourself better and know what you want and don't want you'll be a more confident person hence you'll (hopefully) be more likely to go out and get what you want and need.

 

[Falkor]

Well maybe they don't mean it personally to find yourself, maybe they mean Find what is good about yourself. like that you don't see it enough to help your self out?

 

[Kiwong]

I had to get almost completely lost, before I somehow fluked finding a little bit of happiness out of the wreckage of my life.

Life is something that everyone battles through, and some fluke it better than others.