Escape's Journal.
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
thank you guys so much for keeping me feeling supported in this extremely difficult decision. And feathers, I am reading forums, but am hesitant to post on them. There are a lot of good ones out there on kratom withdrawal
I hung out with said friend today, although I was meaning to boil it down to only once or twice a week, but my mom is codependent on this person and always calls him over.
I have realized that I just take on the energy of others so strongly, that it is hard to be around anybody without losing myself for long periods of time during and afterwards. Like a chameleon who can't return back to normal form without a period of 'rest' aka non-stimulating isolation.
I think I made a mistake today by talking to (let's call him) Fred and telling him my concerns with his drug use, and also that I was thinking about distancing myself. I was really open, perhaps too open. Fred shuts down his trust on people very easily (which, go figure, makes me feel like I am constantly trying to win it) and I am afraid he might shut off on me completely because I said that. I realize I don't need to jump a gun and cut him out of my life (which would be TOO HARD!! and horrible..) but I just need space is all, to clear my head from his heavy life impacting mine.
Enough talk on that! I'm sick of thinking about it. I didn't go for my bikeride today :/ and perhaps I ate too much sugar out of stress, but I still did not touch caffeine/alcohol/kratom! Despite that Fred is a huge trigger and I feel less stress around him with some o that.
The withdrawal of caffeine and kratom feels kind of heavy. Weird little symptoms, like my feet are always sore? I'm always sleepy, tired, anxious, and mainly, extremely, extremely depressed. The "I am not getting out of bed today..." depressed. I hope that balances out...
Posting a lot more on here because I have limited outlets but many people outletting into me = high strung,
I hung out with said friend today, although I was meaning to boil it down to only once or twice a week, but my mom is codependent on this person and always calls him over.
I have realized that I just take on the energy of others so strongly, that it is hard to be around anybody without losing myself for long periods of time during and afterwards. Like a chameleon who can't return back to normal form without a period of 'rest' aka non-stimulating isolation.
I think I made a mistake today by talking to (let's call him) Fred and telling him my concerns with his drug use, and also that I was thinking about distancing myself. I was really open, perhaps too open. Fred shuts down his trust on people very easily (which, go figure, makes me feel like I am constantly trying to win it) and I am afraid he might shut off on me completely because I said that. I realize I don't need to jump a gun and cut him out of my life (which would be TOO HARD!! and horrible..) but I just need space is all, to clear my head from his heavy life impacting mine.
Enough talk on that! I'm sick of thinking about it. I didn't go for my bikeride today :/ and perhaps I ate too much sugar out of stress, but I still did not touch caffeine/alcohol/kratom! Despite that Fred is a huge trigger and I feel less stress around him with some o that.
The withdrawal of caffeine and kratom feels kind of heavy. Weird little symptoms, like my feet are always sore? I'm always sleepy, tired, anxious, and mainly, extremely, extremely depressed. The "I am not getting out of bed today..." depressed. I hope that balances out...
Posting a lot more on here because I have limited outlets but many people outletting into me = high strung,
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MikeyC
Well-known member
Sometimes other people have more of an effect and influence on us than we want to believe. I remember a toxic friend of mine who I still know having some influence on me. She's moved away now which is good. I hope you can cut him from your life because he sounds like he's being very negative to you.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
hey guys, small update I guess. I thought to stop writing in here because it feels embarrassing, but at the same time sometimes it feels like the only way i'm putting myself out there and the only way i'm getting used to honesty.
I went to see my grandma a few provinces away for 9 days about a week ago and it did me SO much good getting out of this house, away from kratom and the influential people in my life, being away from technology for 9 days (computer addiction especially) and spending the whole time just with family, it was so great and I also got used to being uncomfortable with being around people ALL the time. I came back feeling so motivated and so comfortable in discomfort, determined not to sink back into a comfort zone. I came back and have been eating really well (low carb/sugar, which is great for my anxiety and especially my energy level) and exercising a bit more, so I have more energy than normal.
And of course, while I was away I did 13 days without kratom, which was really hard the first 7 days. The withdrawal from that made me surprisingly more socially anxious and depressed/suicidal. I ended up using a bit of it a few days ago though, but found it wasn't worth it, so I may flush what is left of it (I have.. like 100 dollars worth, so that's saying something).
I do find that, now that I am away from the family atmosphere I had on the trip, I am falling back into a comfort zone of self-abuse. I'm drinking a lot and my diet has gone to **** these last few days. Just 3 days ago I was so motivated. To be honest I also drank a bit on the trip, and got pretty wasted at least three times while there. It's like I need something chemical and escaping to look forward to in the evening, and I have found that food, kratom, and all the others things I've tried are not worth it because of side effects, so somehow I'm resorting to alcohol, which I would NEVER expect.
Distance from friend was amazing. Friend has also been trying to get sober, which gets my hopes too high, I should detach and care less, but self is very proud of friend. The end, self is out there.
Also I am trying again to graduate school in September. I promised my grandma, and my mom and grandmother both promised to help me fund my travels to go WOOFing (working on organic farms around the world) and staying at communes after I graduate, so now I have something real to look forward to and work through school for.
I went to see my grandma a few provinces away for 9 days about a week ago and it did me SO much good getting out of this house, away from kratom and the influential people in my life, being away from technology for 9 days (computer addiction especially) and spending the whole time just with family, it was so great and I also got used to being uncomfortable with being around people ALL the time. I came back feeling so motivated and so comfortable in discomfort, determined not to sink back into a comfort zone. I came back and have been eating really well (low carb/sugar, which is great for my anxiety and especially my energy level) and exercising a bit more, so I have more energy than normal.
And of course, while I was away I did 13 days without kratom, which was really hard the first 7 days. The withdrawal from that made me surprisingly more socially anxious and depressed/suicidal. I ended up using a bit of it a few days ago though, but found it wasn't worth it, so I may flush what is left of it (I have.. like 100 dollars worth, so that's saying something).
I do find that, now that I am away from the family atmosphere I had on the trip, I am falling back into a comfort zone of self-abuse. I'm drinking a lot and my diet has gone to **** these last few days. Just 3 days ago I was so motivated. To be honest I also drank a bit on the trip, and got pretty wasted at least three times while there. It's like I need something chemical and escaping to look forward to in the evening, and I have found that food, kratom, and all the others things I've tried are not worth it because of side effects, so somehow I'm resorting to alcohol, which I would NEVER expect.
Distance from friend was amazing. Friend has also been trying to get sober, which gets my hopes too high, I should detach and care less, but self is very proud of friend. The end, self is out there.
Also I am trying again to graduate school in September. I promised my grandma, and my mom and grandmother both promised to help me fund my travels to go WOOFing (working on organic farms around the world) and staying at communes after I graduate, so now I have something real to look forward to and work through school for.
WOW! Your mum and grandma would actually help fund your travels & WOOFing - that's simply AMAZING! 
Hope things go well...
Have you managed to find some support group/s or such in RL too? It would be way easier, methinks...?
Cheering for ya!!
PS Know you can always rant or vent too. Maybe it could help to read biographies of great people you admire? It's been kinda really helpful to me sometimes - to see the obstacles and setbacks they've gone through, and succeeded nevertheless...
A relative of ours has gone to rehab lately, after his mum has been to one a few years ago (okay not just one and not just once) - after a few setbacks and lapses (and initial denials etc) she's now sober. We hope it stays that way and that her son gets and stays sober too... It ain't easy!! They tried DIY and it didn't go so well... It's GREAT you managed without computer and other things for so long, some things can be easier than others... Please know there are people out there who UNDERSTAND and WANT to help!!
Hope things go well...
Have you managed to find some support group/s or such in RL too? It would be way easier, methinks...?
Cheering for ya!!
PS Know you can always rant or vent too. Maybe it could help to read biographies of great people you admire? It's been kinda really helpful to me sometimes - to see the obstacles and setbacks they've gone through, and succeeded nevertheless...
A relative of ours has gone to rehab lately, after his mum has been to one a few years ago (okay not just one and not just once) - after a few setbacks and lapses (and initial denials etc) she's now sober. We hope it stays that way and that her son gets and stays sober too... It ain't easy!! They tried DIY and it didn't go so well... It's GREAT you managed without computer and other things for so long, some things can be easier than others... Please know there are people out there who UNDERSTAND and WANT to help!!
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I flushed ALL of my kratom. Yes, 200 freaking dollars worth, of kratom, down the toilet. I do not want to be a slave to this opiate anymore.
I have been going 2 days in between, and then using large amounts of alcohol or kratom or a combination. Well today was different. I did use kratom, and alcohol, but I regretted it immediately. I have a great friend out there who reminded me of my old goals and dreams about nature and health a few days ago, and then I hung out with a friend who is a huge trigger to me today. When I was out with him, I was able to compare this friendship to my real, supportive, healthy friendship... And I realized this friend isn't there at all, drugs has stolen their soul, and they have never been there. They don't care about me, their care and protectiveness is fake, they have only hindered me and helped me to make bad choices, I didn't even want to be around them.... I am actually pretty ecstatic that I can so quickly feel so positive without this person just for a few days without seeing them.. I am distancing myself from them and going to work on the life outside of this person, and I am quitting kratom alcohol and other. All except caffeine . Which I also abuse. But maybe that too, even!!
Also, I'm finally going WWOOFing On THURSDAY! Down to the same state I used to live in as a child, the most beautiful place of my life. I am going to revisit old places of my past, and probably cry my ****ing eyes out (yeah, that's a goal), and also to work on a few farms and meet some people who are spiritually, physically, etc, connected to simple life, nature, health, and alternative living. I hope they are friendly because I am ****ing nervous and I'm also going to be going through some kratom/alcohol withdrawal most likely, which always mean extreme and unusually dark anxiety and depression, but I think i'll manage And it will be a positive experience. I'll be back in 2 weeks to a month, or who knows, maybe I'll just stay if I feel like it, but right now that's not the plan, 2 weeks- 1 month and then come back up here to finish highschool so I can get paid by my mom and grandma for finishing, enough to go back down south and WWOOF some more.
I have been going 2 days in between, and then using large amounts of alcohol or kratom or a combination. Well today was different. I did use kratom, and alcohol, but I regretted it immediately. I have a great friend out there who reminded me of my old goals and dreams about nature and health a few days ago, and then I hung out with a friend who is a huge trigger to me today. When I was out with him, I was able to compare this friendship to my real, supportive, healthy friendship... And I realized this friend isn't there at all, drugs has stolen their soul, and they have never been there. They don't care about me, their care and protectiveness is fake, they have only hindered me and helped me to make bad choices, I didn't even want to be around them.... I am actually pretty ecstatic that I can so quickly feel so positive without this person just for a few days without seeing them.. I am distancing myself from them and going to work on the life outside of this person, and I am quitting kratom alcohol and other. All except caffeine . Which I also abuse. But maybe that too, even!!
Also, I'm finally going WWOOFing
On THURSDAY! Down to the same state I used to live in as a child, the most beautiful place of my life. I am going to revisit old places of my past, and probably cry my ****ing eyes out (yeah, that's a goal), and also to work on a few farms and meet some people who are spiritually, physically, etc, connected to simple life, nature, health, and alternative living. I hope they are friendly because I am ****ing nervous and I'm also going to be going through some kratom/alcohol withdrawal most likely, which always mean extreme and unusually dark anxiety and depression, but I think i'll manage And it will be a positive experience. I'll be back in 2 weeks to a month, or who knows, maybe I'll just stay if I feel like it, but right now that's not the plan, 2 weeks- 1 month and then come back up here to finish highschool so I can get paid by my mom and grandma for finishing, enough to go back down south and WWOOF some more.
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
the trip was exactly something i needed, i can't even explain, okay wow, this is going to be a long entry!!!!
I only woofed for like.. 3 days. On some farm down in oregon where there was only 1 old couple there at the time. They were very accomdating, far too kind in fact, we barely worked for them because we dont have much experience, but they put special care into everything they provided for us, the cabin, the food was all allergen free and even sugar free for me she bought me special food items to avoid my allergies, took us out to do things that really did not help her in any way (like teaching us about herbalism, or useless things like showing us the creek and all the little hidden sanctuary spots in the forest). They were so nice, but they seemed stressed, and we felt like we were taking from them more time than effort that we had to offer, so we left after only a few days, which I think put even MORe of a burden on them, because they needed a lot of help for an upcoming festival they were holding...
We hitchhiked back to Eugene Oregon and along the way met what I would call the most friendly, helpful person i've ever witnessed. He wasn't even driving the same way we were going, but he took us in the direction he had just left from because he was worried that hitchhiking was dangerous.. Even went and printed us out a map, looked up a hostel for us, drove us there, SO nice. There were about 15 people we ran into who we could say were abnormally friendly. It certifies my original generalization that people in the USA are the MOST friendly people i've ever met in my life. In fact, being around somebody that friendly turns me into an extremely social and talkative individual, and i think that's all it is.
We stayed around in Portland for a few days and explored, making sure to go out and do something every day. On some days, strangers would just come up and talk to us, or help us with direction without us asking, with the biggest smiles on their faces, going into their lives and asking about ours. That does NOT happen in canada!
I visited the old neighbourhood I used to live in, in portland. I cried my eyes out, dry heaving, tears and all. I don't feel like I spent enough time there. It was hard to think that this place of perfection and community and family I used to bask in has spread out, all the family friends have moved on out of childhood and have an individual purpose that takes them to places I can't find now. The past is gone, it was good for me, but I have a lot of anger that I missed a lot of the moments that created these now unknown successful childhood friends, who I see on facebook alive in abundance and purpose. That resentment towards the move from Portland to Canada lies behind the majority of all of my problems.
I feel like I am now in a place where going outside doesn't seem like a big deal. I can see the real things that are holding me back now. It was outstounding to spend 10 fun filled days with a great friend, and to not have to do the little things alone, or feel completely alone. I feel really lucky. And I have come to a lot of conclusions. My anxiety and my isolation and my depression all come from the same fear of being alone. I HATE BEING ALONE. And the reason I AM alone is because closeness and true friendships make me feel intense anger and fear for the same loss I had during the move from Portland and the divorce of my parents.
Huge realization too, two of my biggest needs are adventure and new things, and the safety and feeling of family that comes with constant company in these things. I hate falling asleep without a friend next to me. I hate feeling like i'm living alone. If I could, I would live with all my friends.... I think all my problems would diminish. Because, I'd be out every day. Another realization, I am MEANT for adventure and meeting tons of people every day. I DO have enough self discipline and I AM a HIGH ENERGY person!! I AM SO PROUD TO SAY! I need to talk my ass off, listen and learn my ass off, drink my ass off, run my ass off, and then stay up listening to energizing music, every day to meet that mark. Nothing energizes me as much as meeting a friendly person, in those moments I find who I used to be before the trauma of move/divorce. I love it passionately. Hitchhiking was the funnest thing. Being stuck 2 hours into a national forest with your thumb extended puts you in the moment more than anything can. (Not that I will be hitchhiking much more, or ever alone). I realize that every time I drink alcohol, overeat, or go to drugs, I'm looking for adventure, because I personally NEED rather wild adventure every single day. And that's easy to find with friends, but stifling and deadly to have that need lingering around if I'm trapped in a house, alone. Why do friends only feel a part of me when they are stuck to my side, forced to spend to most boring of moments making them into something with me, waking up next to me and seeing the same day rise that I see? Why does it feel so separating when somebody has a life outside of me? All things I must work on, it does not benefit wellbeing to feel this way.
Hmmmmm, anything else? I already miss the trip. I want to move out with a friend REALLY BAD, get a job, and meet a LOT of friendly, social people, because by talking to friendly, open strangers down in the USA, I realized my full potential is to be one of those heart-on-sleeve-talk-to-everybody kind of people... and I just can't ****ing wait. I love life, as long as I can keep up the same feeling that travel brings, then my will to live is strong. I want to live in a wild sun stained adventure with people so worn into my soul that it hurts for them to not be around for even a day. Cheap choices, cheap clothing, diminished self awareness, and nonexistent second thoughts. Unexpected gifts of kindness and exciting and bond-strengthening hardships that make the smallest things most important and the bonds you keep to the ones with you the warmest, most common things things. And I feel like unless I supply myself with enough of that, I find ways to find that thrill and company. Even during these adventures I feel like overdrinking, because adventure is never enough, I want it all. But maybe that doesn't have to be a bad thing? I am not sure. I stay up all night or for weeks without going out of the house or on the computer or drink to the point of losing memory or try weird drugs because I begin to realize that friendships and adventures end, and then i'm off on my own, so it's like if I do these things, maybe it will extend the adventure into some fantasy world that lasts a bit longer, or keeps on going at the cost of my reality. Can reality become fantasy?
This is a new chapter. And it starts as long as somebody is next to be, but loses all passion and excitement with enough time in isolation.
Any suggestions to keep up such a need in daily, routine life? I already miss the trip, it didn't feel long enough at all, and I realize at this moment I am depressed to be away from it, I want it back already! And plan to go back in December for long term (months to years), but alone, which sucks, beause friendship is life, but it's the next step to make friendship universally and easily attainable in all places.. to trust yourself alone to find it deeply in all places you can put yourself
I only woofed for like.. 3 days. On some farm down in oregon where there was only 1 old couple there at the time. They were very accomdating, far too kind in fact, we barely worked for them because we dont have much experience, but they put special care into everything they provided for us, the cabin, the food was all allergen free and even sugar free for me
she bought me special food items to avoid my allergies, took us out to do things that really did not help her in any way (like teaching us about herbalism, or useless things like showing us the creek and all the little hidden sanctuary spots in the forest). They were so nice, but they seemed stressed, and we felt like we were taking from them more time than effort that we had to offer, so we left after only a few days, which I think put even MORe of a burden on them, because they needed a lot of help for an upcoming festival they were holding... We hitchhiked back to Eugene Oregon and along the way met what I would call the most friendly, helpful person i've ever witnessed. He wasn't even driving the same way we were going, but he took us in the direction he had just left from because he was worried that hitchhiking was dangerous.. Even went and printed us out a map, looked up a hostel for us, drove us there, SO nice. There were about 15 people we ran into who we could say were abnormally friendly. It certifies my original generalization that people in the USA are the MOST friendly people i've ever met in my life. In fact, being around somebody that friendly turns me into an extremely social and talkative individual, and i think that's all it is.
We stayed around in Portland for a few days and explored, making sure to go out and do something every day. On some days, strangers would just come up and talk to us, or help us with direction without us asking, with the biggest smiles on their faces, going into their lives and asking about ours. That does NOT happen in canada!
I visited the old neighbourhood I used to live in, in portland. I cried my eyes out, dry heaving, tears and all. I don't feel like I spent enough time there. It was hard to think that this place of perfection and community and family I used to bask in has spread out, all the family friends have moved on out of childhood and have an individual purpose that takes them to places I can't find now. The past is gone, it was good for me, but I have a lot of anger that I missed a lot of the moments that created these now unknown successful childhood friends, who I see on facebook alive in abundance and purpose. That resentment towards the move from Portland to Canada lies behind the majority of all of my problems.
I feel like I am now in a place where going outside doesn't seem like a big deal. I can see the real things that are holding me back now. It was outstounding to spend 10 fun filled days with a great friend, and to not have to do the little things alone, or feel completely alone. I feel really lucky. And I have come to a lot of conclusions. My anxiety and my isolation and my depression all come from the same fear of being alone. I HATE BEING ALONE. And the reason I AM alone is because closeness and true friendships make me feel intense anger and fear for the same loss I had during the move from Portland and the divorce of my parents.
Huge realization too, two of my biggest needs are adventure and new things, and the safety and feeling of family that comes with constant company in these things. I hate falling asleep without a friend next to me. I hate feeling like i'm living alone. If I could, I would live with all my friends.... I think all my problems would diminish. Because, I'd be out every day. Another realization, I am MEANT for adventure and meeting tons of people every day. I DO have enough self discipline and I AM a HIGH ENERGY person!! I AM SO PROUD TO SAY! I need to talk my ass off, listen and learn my ass off, drink my ass off, run my ass off, and then stay up listening to energizing music, every day to meet that mark. Nothing energizes me as much as meeting a friendly person, in those moments I find who I used to be before the trauma of move/divorce. I love it passionately. Hitchhiking was the funnest thing. Being stuck 2 hours into a national forest with your thumb extended puts you in the moment more than anything can. (Not that I will be hitchhiking much more, or ever alone). I realize that every time I drink alcohol, overeat, or go to drugs, I'm looking for adventure, because I personally NEED rather wild adventure every single day. And that's easy to find with friends, but stifling and deadly to have that need lingering around if I'm trapped in a house, alone. Why do friends only feel a part of me when they are stuck to my side, forced to spend to most boring of moments making them into something with me, waking up next to me and seeing the same day rise that I see? Why does it feel so separating when somebody has a life outside of me? All things I must work on, it does not benefit wellbeing to feel this way.
Hmmmmm, anything else? I already miss the trip. I want to move out with a friend REALLY BAD, get a job, and meet a LOT of friendly, social people, because by talking to friendly, open strangers down in the USA, I realized my full potential is to be one of those heart-on-sleeve-talk-to-everybody kind of people... and I just can't ****ing wait. I love life, as long as I can keep up the same feeling that travel brings, then my will to live is strong. I want to live in a wild sun stained adventure with people so worn into my soul that it hurts for them to not be around for even a day. Cheap choices, cheap clothing, diminished self awareness, and nonexistent second thoughts. Unexpected gifts of kindness and exciting and bond-strengthening hardships that make the smallest things most important and the bonds you keep to the ones with you the warmest, most common things things. And I feel like unless I supply myself with enough of that, I find ways to find that thrill and company. Even during these adventures I feel like overdrinking, because adventure is never enough, I want it all. But maybe that doesn't have to be a bad thing? I am not sure. I stay up all night or for weeks without going out of the house or on the computer or drink to the point of losing memory or try weird drugs because I begin to realize that friendships and adventures end, and then i'm off on my own, so it's like if I do these things, maybe it will extend the adventure into some fantasy world that lasts a bit longer, or keeps on going at the cost of my reality. Can reality become fantasy?
This is a new chapter. And it starts as long as somebody is next to be, but loses all passion and excitement with enough time in isolation.
Any suggestions to keep up such a need in daily, routine life? I already miss the trip, it didn't feel long enough at all, and I realize at this moment I am depressed to be away from it, I want it back already! And plan to go back in December for long term (months to years), but alone, which sucks, beause friendship is life, but it's the next step to make friendship universally and easily attainable in all places.. to trust yourself alone to find it deeply in all places you can put yourself
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
How did I get here? Wow, I just don't get what changed.... I changed because I was just so sick of not having any events in my life. I was so happy healthy, so different in February. I went down to visit my dad in February for the first time in years, it was like good old family times with both my sisters and my dad and me, and there was the first time I drank in years. it was socially and it was a lot of fun. Of course those kinds of moments end. After we got back my older sister moved away and pretty much is too busy to even call to say hello. It felt like an abandonment because we were so close and she was the sane one in the house who listened to me. Crap. I don't think I processed that emotion. I originally started drinking alone because it reminded me of that last good time down with my dad and sisters. I remember my sister saying she was proud of me that I was drinking because she assumed it meant I was socially going out and actually having experiences. Then that whole kratom deal went down for a few months my life revolved around kratom. I got rid of that, threw it all away, done with. Made good friends with somebody who has a very strong addiction too. Throwing away the kratom did almost nothing except transfer me to alcohol. Now family is considering me an alcoholic, friends are considering me an alcoholic, am I ? I drink at night alone and if I don't have money to buy any I just take my mom's wine, down the whole bottle, and am not proud of that. Wake up with hangovers every 2nd day and with so much shame that it's overwhelming... That trip that I went on reminded me what it felt like to feel good in everyday life again, and it was mindblowing how amazing it felt to be healthy again! If this little detour down this especially dark road has taught me anything, it's that I felt ****ing amazing before and can do anything while healthy.
when is a person considered addicted? I don't drink every day, only every 2nd or 3rd day, but when I do it's to the point of passing out and having such a bad hangover that it wastes 2 days anyway. I feel like i'm ruining my life with this even though I'm not drinking 24/7... I want out !! I'm so ashamed and sad. Life feels faded and disgusting. No longer feel healthy and bright. Want to quit but every time I say that, I go for a few days and then persuade myself that I'm making it out to be a bigger deal than it is, and go to the liquor store or steal some of my mom's. I want out now but it doesn't work like that, i've said that before :/ ..... AM i making this out to be more than it is or not enough? Would it be too drastic to go to an AA meeting? And why the **** am I posting this all in public on a site that has nothing to do with this?
when is a person considered addicted? I don't drink every day, only every 2nd or 3rd day, but when I do it's to the point of passing out and having such a bad hangover that it wastes 2 days anyway. I feel like i'm ruining my life with this even though I'm not drinking 24/7... I want out !! I'm so ashamed and sad. Life feels faded and disgusting. No longer feel healthy and bright. Want to quit but every time I say that, I go for a few days and then persuade myself that I'm making it out to be a bigger deal than it is, and go to the liquor store or steal some of my mom's. I want out now but it doesn't work like that, i've said that before :/ ..... AM i making this out to be more than it is or not enough? Would it be too drastic to go to an AA meeting? And why the **** am I posting this all in public on a site that has nothing to do with this?
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Just updating, because, this is the one commitment I stick to no mattah wot. Writing here and practicing openness, just like I planned to do when I started this thing. It's hard every single time. (That's what she said.)
I am in the process of trying to stop substance abuse. What registers as substance abuse to moi? Getting drunk alone, using kratom, binge eating, smoking weed or cigarettes, or drinking massive amounts of coffee or energy drinks out of "boredom". Even things like masturbation can sneak in and replace these 'highs', and i consider that unhealthy as well seeing that it drains the same neurotransmitters as all else. (let me know if that's TMI!). Obviously, the coffee one isn't the biggest of deals, but man am I sensitive to caffeine and extremely uncomfortable and pissed off when drunk or whatev, so don't know why I go there.
Anyways, It's been going really well. I think I've gone 5 days without getting drunk. Also yesterday, I exercised a ton, and that ended up replacing the need to lose myself in something. So I need to remember to exercise in the morning and evening. I ran this morning when I woke up, but didn't stick to my plan to go to the gym in the evening, so of course, bam, overeating on sugar, and drinking. It sneaks in unless I replace the feeling of needing to do something action oriented that changes my 'feeling' side to a positive in the evening. I stole my mom's wine again ugggh i am just fretting when she gets home and sees that...
Been meaning to sell some stuff on craigslist that would pocket me 500 dollars and allow me to pay a bunch of people back what I owe, but, even despite getting offers, i'm too scared that if I have money, I'll just go to the liquor store. Main thing stopping me from impulse drinking is being out of money. I don't miss the hangovers that come along with having money and too much spare time.. So I'm putting off selling stuff for a few weeks, on purpose.
But, all that doesn't matter right now. What matters to me, is that i'm on the right track. I'm not drinking as much, i'm exercising, i'm wanting to feel healthy and regretting the things that make me feel otherwise, so yay. The only thing is, that I realize I need to branch out. Part of myself is crying out for me to find a wide circle of friends, and even start dabbling in relationships. I have been in total denial that I want a relationship SO BADLY simply because i am so self conscious about my attitude, lack of experience, social anxiety, and body image,.. Not to mention, the fact that I'm a lesbian, so I'd have to put myself in a purposeful group of people to find anything... And at 19, that is difficult to do (groups around me require people over 20, and gay bars are not the right scene for me :/ )
I honestly think this is a major reason why I try to hide from the world.
Anyways enough of that. Update, done.
I am in the process of trying to stop substance abuse. What registers as substance abuse to moi? Getting drunk alone, using kratom, binge eating, smoking weed or cigarettes, or drinking massive amounts of coffee or energy drinks out of "boredom". Even things like masturbation can sneak in and replace these 'highs', and i consider that unhealthy as well seeing that it drains the same neurotransmitters as all else. (let me know if that's TMI!). Obviously, the coffee one isn't the biggest of deals, but man am I sensitive to caffeine and extremely uncomfortable and pissed off when drunk or whatev, so don't know why I go there.
Anyways, It's been going really well. I think I've gone 5 days without getting drunk. Also yesterday, I exercised a ton, and that ended up replacing the need to lose myself in something. So I need to remember to exercise in the morning and evening. I ran this morning when I woke up, but didn't stick to my plan to go to the gym in the evening, so of course, bam, overeating on sugar, and drinking. It sneaks in unless I replace the feeling of needing to do something action oriented that changes my 'feeling' side to a positive in the evening. I stole my mom's wine again
ugggh i am just fretting when she gets home and sees that...Been meaning to sell some stuff on craigslist that would pocket me 500 dollars and allow me to pay a bunch of people back what I owe, but, even despite getting offers, i'm too scared that if I have money, I'll just go to the liquor store. Main thing stopping me from impulse drinking is being out of money. I don't miss the hangovers that come along with having money and too much spare time.. So I'm putting off selling stuff for a few weeks, on purpose.
But, all that doesn't matter right now. What matters to me, is that i'm on the right track. I'm not drinking as much, i'm exercising, i'm wanting to feel healthy and regretting the things that make me feel otherwise, so yay. The only thing is, that I realize I need to branch out. Part of myself is crying out for me to find a wide circle of friends, and even start dabbling in relationships. I have been in total denial that I want a relationship SO BADLY simply because i am so self conscious about my attitude, lack of experience, social anxiety, and body image,.. Not to mention, the fact that I'm a lesbian, so I'd have to put myself in a purposeful group of people to find anything... And at 19, that is difficult to do (groups around me require people over 20, and gay bars are not the right scene for me :/ )
I honestly think this is a major reason why I try to hide from the world.
Anyways enough of that. Update, done.
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Oh, your updates have kinda slipped my attention for a while. But I'm relieved you're back on what's at least a more beneficial track then before.
I kinda wish I could be there in those moments of weakness to advice against it, and perhaps even give you someone to yell at to release bottled emotions that causing you to slip. Regain power over your own will by breaking down those emotional walls rather then hiding/enabling them by indulging, if you will. But, there's no real use in dwelling in hypothetical situations in this case.
However, and I know that this is gonna sound a bit cliché and of-the-top-of-the-head, but have you tried communication through the internet to search for like-minded/cool people. Hey, you can even try and see if there's any local gay communities on the internet specific to your location. Online I don't think they make such a fuzz about age. And not to window-shop either, but more to befriend multiple lesbians as to so widen your opportunity for a potential future relationship. Perhaps by sharing difficulties and frustrations found society/daily life ect., you can create somewhat of a foundation to form a friend circle with.
Anyway, do keeps us posted, especially were something to go wrong. Even if it's a novel of censored swearwords. Good luck! :3
I kinda wish I could be there in those moments of weakness to advice against it, and perhaps even give you someone to yell at to release bottled emotions that causing you to slip. Regain power over your own will by breaking down those emotional walls rather then hiding/enabling them by indulging, if you will. But, there's no real use in dwelling in hypothetical situations in this case.
However, and I know that this is gonna sound a bit cliché and of-the-top-of-the-head, but have you tried communication through the internet to search for like-minded/cool people. Hey, you can even try and see if there's any local gay communities on the internet specific to your location. Online I don't think they make such a fuzz about age. And not to window-shop either, but more to befriend multiple lesbians as to so widen your opportunity for a potential future relationship. Perhaps by sharing difficulties and frustrations found society/daily life ect., you can create somewhat of a foundation to form a friend circle with.
Anyway, do keeps us posted, especially were something to go wrong. Even if it's a novel of censored swearwords. Good luck! :3
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Maybe this time It will make my day glamorous.
It will keep me safe, high above
From where darkness does flow and bend
Down below in the blackwater canals.
We cross over above on a magical bridge
painted pink and decorated with glowing paper lights,
as if we were to have the chance to notice.
A hovering of warmth with floral umbrellas
We are a special type of warm, ignorant laughter,
because of a divide somewhere below us,
in the air particles where they sit,
warm and cold thickly layered apart, marking two worlds,
like stagnant soldiers lined perfectly for battle but repelled like magnets,
Denied their battle for initiation or victory
A lightning condition of stalemate
Maybe this time I can pull myself up to that bridge
The one that putrid canal dwellers shine their eyes on,
As they trudge against rags of cloth that slap their legs,
In sloppy, monotonous lurches forward
The glimmer of light as they look upon,
A miracle too good to be true
But not for me, because I know better.
-----
To be honest, I have no idea what this means. But for some reason I wrote it when I woke up, and I do not write poetry, so why not post it, because that's ****ing scary.
It will keep me safe, high above
From where darkness does flow and bend
Down below in the blackwater canals.
We cross over above on a magical bridge
painted pink and decorated with glowing paper lights,
as if we were to have the chance to notice.
A hovering of warmth with floral umbrellas
We are a special type of warm, ignorant laughter,
because of a divide somewhere below us,
in the air particles where they sit,
warm and cold thickly layered apart, marking two worlds,
like stagnant soldiers lined perfectly for battle but repelled like magnets,
Denied their battle for initiation or victory
A lightning condition of stalemate
Maybe this time I can pull myself up to that bridge
The one that putrid canal dwellers shine their eyes on,
As they trudge against rags of cloth that slap their legs,
In sloppy, monotonous lurches forward
The glimmer of light as they look upon,
A miracle too good to be true
But not for me, because I know better.
-----
To be honest, I have no idea what this means. But for some reason I wrote it when I woke up, and I do not write poetry, so why not post it, because that's ****ing scary.
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Job interview went rather badly. I was clearly a little more than uptight and anxious, and i exagerated a bit with my answers. Nothing too abnormal in an interwiew except that this guy seems like hes actually going to verify the overexagerrated situational examples i gave from the one very dissatisfied reference i have from my job on the farm. Im hoping he doesnt end up reaching the boss there. She really doesn't like me, because i missed 2 weeks of work before i had the guts to call to quit. I shouldnt have mentioned that job. I have more to add, but typing on a tablet really hurts