I do too, Mikey. It's actually not that difficult, thank god, it's not actually the kind of thing that can be craved physically, only missed.
Onto a whole new journey of healing here, I can tell that it's started. I sought out a new counselor, looking for one that would seem right. All the signs tell me this is the exact person I was meant to move onto learning from. There were so many hints, it's mind boggling.
I saw her for the first time yesterday, and she is VERY in touch with her emotions, very nurturing, very soft talking, calls me things like "beautiful little girl inside" (talking to my inner child), has the same beliefs as me, believes deeply in healing the inner child and such. How intense her love for everybody is, and how she conveys it, scares me, more than I could ever imagine. I've always been afraid of counselors and emotions, but I thought I was getting over it. The way that this person puts all attention on me, and tries to get so close to me so fast in the way that she speaks, and loses herself in the emotions of love/care/nurturing, makes me want to run away and vomit. So I KNOW that I have not improved as much as I thought I did, and I am definitely as scared as emotions as ever, the difference is that I understand now where she comes from and I am... willing to walk into that room again to work on it.
I can honestly say that session was one of the scariest moments in my life. And I realize that it's going to get scarier, because I'm going to have to be the one speaking like this one day. Saying nice things about myself, and losing control to my emotions.
My homework from this counselor, i'm supposed to find a picture of me at 4 years old or under, and say things like "I'll protect you" "i love you" "I'm here for you" "i'll speak for you", etc. This.. I can't explain how hard this will be. It won't be so hard in private, but in public.. in front of her, it will be .... Oh my god.
She also said some things, like that our inner self (the child self, if you've been stunted like I have and ignoring that part of yourself) only has two things that it says: "I am" and "I want". I actually agree. It's true. And then it's up to the adult part of me to say "I will".
The little hints that let me know that this was the exact right moment for this counselor, I heard in the background chopin, tristesse, the piano song that I love so much, the only chopin song that I know and the first piano song I have come to love! Also, her theories were the exact same counclusions and mental-images that I had already instilled in myself... For instance, seeing bad habits as a worm/parasite/or virus, same image I had come to... And I also, about a year ago, would say the same things to my child self (positive affirmations), I was pretty much doing the same things she is telling me to, and I always knew that's what worked the best (but was also the hardest.... Do you know how hard it is to hug yourself and talk to yourself like a little innocent child and say "you are loved"? LOL ITS EMBARRASSING...)
Anyways... I was so scared yesterday that I actually considered whether or not I want to get better, or whether I'd rather just stay in computer addiction, be unable to connect to others and myself, and never be free. I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to go through this fear. But I DO. And I now that, the amount of resistance I feel, means there is the great pay-off I have been waiting for, and that this direction and person really have been put here for me to finally break this barrier that I have been staring at alone for so long. I don't want to be scared of emotions anymore. I don't want to be scared of being out of control anymore. And mostly I don't want to be scared to feel what a real, deep, emotional connection with another human being, or with myself, feels like.
Lastly, I think I am scared of this because I've never had anybody talk to me this way. My parents were not the nurturing kind, they were very closed off. Secondly I am scared to be like my mother. My mother is very easily controlled by her emotions, and in the past, as a child, it embarrassed me, and made me feel VERY neglected at times. Especially during the hard parts of her life, she was consumed for years. I still harbour resentment for her because of this, as sick as that is, because I felt abandoned. I feel like if I am to fully be who I am inside, emotions and all, I would be abandoning myself, and everybody else, and also I would be embarrassed the same way she embarrassed me, too vulnerable. I would be sucked into this uncontrollable state and never able to come out of it again, never able to take care of myself again, it would mean complete weakness and everything that turned my life from safety > fear and loneliness when I was 13. I'm really scared to become that, but I know that it's the path I must go through to finally feel free, and that all deep negative emotions in the face of self-improvement have a pay off that is equally as overwhelmingly positive..
