Escape's Journal.
- Thread starter EscapeArtist
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Thanks guys, that's exactly what I needed to hear, and I will be repeating to myself, before the session on thursday.
Haven't had much time to myself over the last 3 days. Friend is staying with me detoxing from drugs and getting away from his house. His family is extremely dysfunctional, today was rather scary. I'm slightly paranoid at the moment and wondering if his brother will be able to find this post LOL. We went back to his house to get something, and upon reaching his house I was told that his brother wanted to speak to me about where my friend, who i'll call Ted, has been. He came outside and said "so what's going on with Ted?" and I told him that he's trying to get off of the stuff. Then he turned, went back inside, and said calmly "Oh okay, I'm going to go **** him up" or something like that. I laughed thinking it was a joke, but he went in, and the next thing I heard was a loud thud of bodies hitting the floor upstairs, yelling of swearing and insults, and his mother screaming bloody murder "stop it! Stop it! Get off him" and then shrieking as if somebody was dying. I did the stupidest thing that I could have done and called 911, as I have heard stories of them fighting to near death / choking eachother until they pass out and such, and I know they were in his brothers room where his walls are covered with unusual weapons, and that his brother was on drugs. It was a STUPID action, because duh, there's drugs in the house, I feel bad for doing that, the cops ended up coming but thank god it ended up being okay.
Today friend is 2 days clean, equally important he is finally able to find a place of safety away from the darkest, scariest atmosphere of a "home" i've come across, and seems very dedicated to leave the life that his family made for him behind. i'm very happy for him and I know him being here is like a miracle for him, at the same time, having so little time to be alone is making me feel very 'off', antisocial, detached, and apathetic. Also being around strong negative energies makes me unable to see positive energies
Haven't had much time to myself over the last 3 days. Friend is staying with me detoxing from drugs and getting away from his house. His family is extremely dysfunctional, today was rather scary. I'm slightly paranoid at the moment and wondering if his brother will be able to find this post LOL. We went back to his house to get something, and upon reaching his house I was told that his brother wanted to speak to me about where my friend, who i'll call Ted, has been. He came outside and said "so what's going on with Ted?" and I told him that he's trying to get off of the stuff. Then he turned, went back inside, and said calmly "Oh okay, I'm going to go **** him up" or something like that. I laughed thinking it was a joke, but he went in, and the next thing I heard was a loud thud of bodies hitting the floor upstairs, yelling of swearing and insults, and his mother screaming bloody murder "stop it! Stop it! Get off him" and then shrieking as if somebody was dying. I did the stupidest thing that I could have done and called 911, as I have heard stories of them fighting to near death / choking eachother until they pass out and such, and I know they were in his brothers room where his walls are covered with unusual weapons, and that his brother was on drugs. It was a STUPID action, because duh, there's drugs in the house, I feel bad for doing that, the cops ended up coming but thank god it ended up being okay.
Today friend is 2 days clean, equally important he is finally able to find a place of safety away from the darkest, scariest atmosphere of a "home" i've come across, and seems very dedicated to leave the life that his family made for him behind. i'm very happy for him and I know him being here is like a miracle for him, at the same time, having so little time to be alone is making me feel very 'off', antisocial, detached, and apathetic. Also being around strong negative energies makes me unable to see positive energies
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Srijita52
Well-known member
Seems like an awful family, it must've been so hard for your friend to live there. I'm glad he wants to leave that life behind. You're doing a great job helping your friend.
I know it can be very hard for you too, hang in there.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Friend has left. I tried not to invest too much into this (his sobriety, him staying here) but I ended up doing just that anyways. I kind of forgot that this wasn't his home/family somehow in the span of 3-4 days! Slightly happy that I'm able to focus on myself again and at same time, yes, a little disappointed, tried not to be too hopeful, but ended up being so. Feel rather empty, he kind of took the place of my father/older sister who have left. But hey not like I'll never see him again or anything
MikeyC
Well-known member
You sacrificed for him, so now it's time to reward yourself.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I feel like I should update this because it's been so long despite nothing happening.
New therapist, I like, and as long as I'm honest, I hope this really helps me. Or motivates me to help me.
Trying to get away from kratom. I'm on day 5 without using kratom and did not realize how much more anxious, depressed, and purpose-less the withdrawal has made me. I don't know exactly what it did to my brain, messed with some neurotransmitters and probably hormones enough to make me a lazy, so anxious version of myself and hid from myself long enough in it that it's going to take awhile. I read that it releases a lot of endorphins and opiates, and that your body becomes unable to make it's own pain relievers off of it, leading to a feeling of being chronically unprotected and uncomfortable.
I remember I had a counselor once who told me to negatively exaggerate what I felt when I spoke to them, because I always down played it.
I have been combating the lack of kratom with alcohol, simply because I am not used to feeling so anxious anymore, and alcohol helps... :/
I think my depression has worsened dramatically despite me being in denial about that because the things I used to be working towards don't seem important anymore.
Also questioning whether hanging out with somebody who is an addict themselves has contributed to the decline in my mood , habits, all that. I don't think it's safe to be so close to this person anymore, with me in the state that I'm in, and with them having access to all that they have access to. Sigh. Darn, friend has just called me and I agreed to go hang out with them. Now I think I'll break that kratom streak... Yes I only started taking kratom to keep up with their social needs. This person is rather needy, like me I spose, i am very important in their life... so i feel pressured to not deny them, I mean i'm the only one there for them, and they dont trust easily, so if I dont see them for more than 3 days, i feel like they will pull away and close off.
i'm going to be ashamed of the truth in this post as soon as I post this. I guess this post is ONE thing i'm doing to get me out of my comfort zone.
New therapist, I like, and as long as I'm honest, I hope this really helps me. Or motivates me to help me.
Trying to get away from kratom. I'm on day 5 without using kratom and did not realize how much more anxious, depressed, and purpose-less the withdrawal has made me. I don't know exactly what it did to my brain, messed with some neurotransmitters and probably hormones enough to make me a lazy, so anxious version of myself and hid from myself long enough in it that it's going to take awhile. I read that it releases a lot of endorphins and opiates, and that your body becomes unable to make it's own pain relievers off of it, leading to a feeling of being chronically unprotected and uncomfortable.
I remember I had a counselor once who told me to negatively exaggerate what I felt when I spoke to them, because I always down played it.
I have been combating the lack of kratom with alcohol, simply because I am not used to feeling so anxious anymore, and alcohol helps... :/
I think my depression has worsened dramatically despite me being in denial about that because the things I used to be working towards don't seem important anymore.
Also questioning whether hanging out with somebody who is an addict themselves has contributed to the decline in my mood , habits, all that. I don't think it's safe to be so close to this person anymore, with me in the state that I'm in, and with them having access to all that they have access to. Sigh. Darn, friend has just called me and I agreed to go hang out with them. Now I think I'll break that kratom streak... Yes I only started taking kratom to keep up with their social needs. This person is rather needy, like me I spose, i am very important in their life... so i feel pressured to not deny them, I mean i'm the only one there for them, and they dont trust easily, so if I dont see them for more than 3 days, i feel like they will pull away and close off.
i'm going to be ashamed of the truth in this post as soon as I post this. I guess this post is ONE thing i'm doing to get me out of my comfort zone.
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DeadmanWalking
Well-known member
Well, Escape, you may already know this, but it seems as if your body and you yourself have become reliant on this Kratom. But, if you truly wish to break the habit, you have to remain steadfast and unyielding in this endeavor. This, like any other addiction, is going to test you and put you through the wringer. But you can't give up. Sometimes, you've got to force yourself to do things, like talking to people or even being happy.
If your friend is an addict, then, yes, you may need to stay away from them for a while and focus on getting better. Explain to them why you want to stay away from them and (hopefully) they'll understand and comply.
And there's no shame in admitting to a weakness. If anything, it shows the strength you have to put yourself out there and show the world your weakness.
If your friend is an addict, then, yes, you may need to stay away from them for a while and focus on getting better. Explain to them why you want to stay away from them and (hopefully) they'll understand and comply.
And there's no shame in admitting to a weakness. If anything, it shows the strength you have to put yourself out there and show the world your weakness.
Srijita52
Well-known member
I agree with Mikey and Deadman, you need to stay away from this friend for a while. I understand the pressure but if you won't take care of yourself you can't be there for them too.
I hope you can get over Kratom, though it might take a little time since you've been using it for a while.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Probably not is right Thelema. Hit it right on the head.
And yet I feel like I'm getting sucked into this person's life, like some addiction that takes me away from myself.
Addicted to the addict. More and more tempted to join their world fully, whatever that means. Their values are so much different than mine, it's mind boggling, it's all drugs, sex and mystery. It's creepy, and not safe for me to be around. And I admitted that I was curious about trying what they are on (meth) when I was rather drunk today. What a dumbass move. That was not something I'm proud to admit thinking about, and reason enough for me to distance myself. And maybe I do need distance, but I only realize it when I'm apart from them, today was long, so I'm not myself, but tomorrow upon waking I will be back to where I was and know that I need distance... ASAP, before he takes me up on that offer. Screw all that I said when drunk, I would never take up such an offer, I'm not stupid. I bring out the best in him and he reminds me every day, but he brings out the worst in me......
And yet I feel like I'm getting sucked into this person's life, like some addiction that takes me away from myself.
Addicted to the addict. More and more tempted to join their world fully, whatever that means. Their values are so much different than mine, it's mind boggling, it's all drugs, sex and mystery. It's creepy, and not safe for me to be around. And I admitted that I was curious about trying what they are on (meth) when I was rather drunk today. What a dumbass move. That was not something I'm proud to admit thinking about, and reason enough for me to distance myself. And maybe I do need distance, but I only realize it when I'm apart from them, today was long, so I'm not myself, but tomorrow upon waking I will be back to where I was and know that I need distance... ASAP, before he takes me up on that offer. Screw all that I said when drunk, I would never take up such an offer, I'm not stupid. I bring out the best in him and he reminds me every day, but he brings out the worst in me......
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Thelema
Well-known member
I've been in kind of the same situation before. It sounds like you like the excitement and the friendship, but you recognize you need to stay away from this person.
The best course of action would be to find someone else to hang out (easy job right? lol) and then you won't need their companionship anymore.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Wow firewalk, that story about your ex best friend is very motivating.. in the end, you helped them greatly!
I think being sober of all substances is a great idea.. my judgement gets very different on anything that it's hard to feel my 'heart' on, which is ANYTHING. Even caffeine sometimes.. So yes. It's really difficult for me to hang out with anybody sober, abnormally difficult lately (sorry, I've really been wanting to, my friend! if not needing to. )
I really dont think me cutting myself off will change him though. To be honest, I don't think we'd be the greatest of friends if he WAS sober! We bond over the negatives of our life and how needy it has made us, which I realize is a horrible thing. But I realize that Thelema is right and it's mainly that i'm addicted to the excitement of this friendship. And yes, also the closeness and honesty of it.
And thanks firewalk, I always feels shameful after posting, but that's the point, shame HATES being talked about, and if you talk about shameful actions, at least the outside world is holding you against taking another one.. I
Every time I'm around this person I feel very close and yet not safe, i think because they are not where I want to be in life and I don't want the life they have, so I don't trust their judgement that much.
I think being sober of all substances is a great idea.. my judgement gets very different on anything that it's hard to feel my 'heart' on, which is ANYTHING. Even caffeine sometimes.. So yes. It's really difficult for me to hang out with anybody sober, abnormally difficult lately (sorry, I've really been wanting to, my friend! if not needing to. )
I really dont think me cutting myself off will change him though. To be honest, I don't think we'd be the greatest of friends if he WAS sober! We bond over the negatives of our life and how needy it has made us, which I realize is a horrible thing. But I realize that Thelema is right and it's mainly that i'm addicted to the excitement of this friendship. And yes, also the closeness and honesty of it.
And thanks firewalk, I always feels shameful after posting, but that's the point, shame HATES being talked about, and if you talk about shameful actions, at least the outside world is holding you against taking another one.. I
Every time I'm around this person I feel very close and yet not safe, i think because they are not where I want to be in life and I don't want the life they have, so I don't trust their judgement that much.
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
what a dark past week. But i'm out of the low that bad choices had made, and am now deciding to put down all the bad habits, the drinking, the kratom, even caffeine has a huge impact. So last 3 days haven't had any of those, except 1 glass of wine. Main thing though is getting rid of the kratom, which has stolen all of the natural energy I used to have. Wish I could flush that stuff down the toilet, but it cost me so much $$$... I'm excited for the withdrawal of all the **** i've put into my body to ease off so I feel energy again. I have been SOOOOOOO tired these last 4 days it's unbelievable, like 13 hour sleeps + 2 hour naps. Healthy eating, mild exercise, early sleep, and substance abstinence is the plan.
Also am distancing from friend, decision made. Am actually contemplating whether or not to cut him out of my life completely and tell him that I can only be his friend when he is sober. Not sure yet, and might go to a Nar-anon meeting on Friday. Actually feel slightly co-dependent on this person, so distance will be GREAT.
Going to turn this journal more into a 'daily lifestyle journal' type of thing, which documents the little things I'm doing each day. Don't know how I'm going to organize that yet though
Good habits today: went on a bike ride, spent time with my mom picking strawberries, no use of drugs or alcohol, did not see friend, also went to bed early yesterday!
Also am distancing from friend, decision made. Am actually contemplating whether or not to cut him out of my life completely and tell him that I can only be his friend when he is sober. Not sure yet, and might go to a Nar-anon meeting on Friday. Actually feel slightly co-dependent on this person, so distance will be GREAT.
Going to turn this journal more into a 'daily lifestyle journal' type of thing, which documents the little things I'm doing each day. Don't know how I'm going to organize that yet though
Good habits today: went on a bike ride, spent time with my mom picking strawberries, no use of drugs or alcohol, did not see friend, also went to bed early yesterday!
