Escape's Journal.

[EscapeArtist]

thanks mikey... i'm not sure how i feel about putting all that out there, because after I express it, I don't feel like that anymore, and I'm able to focus on the small things i'm looking forward to. Contemplating deletion

 

[MikeyC]

It's up to you if you want to delete it, and I can delete my posts if you want me to, but I do think that keeping it up can be a good thing. Just getting it out, even if I'm the only one to read it, can be helpful for you, too, because you've now expressed your thoughts and emotions. It's healthy to do so and not keep them bottled up.

You are a sad girl, which is obvious. It's not good, and you've probably got a lot more going for you than you realise.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Had no idea cipralex/lexapro withdrawal could be so intense, and judging by my googling research, it will be it's worst for another 20 days. I only took 5mg, but I sometimes went up to 10 seeing as my mom wanted me on 10 but couldn't handle it most of the time.

If you read my last night's post, yeah. I had to delete it because I just realized it's probably the lexapro withdrawal.

Lexapro helped with some thing. It made me very apathetic, I didn't really worry about things. But with this came intense fatigue, I couldn't feel energized, motivated, or any emotion other than apathy really. Couldn't do more than sit in bed, actually. I studied well the first month on it, although the second month, I couldn't focus worth anything, my attention span was a few seconds. That's the reason I went off of it, was scared my grades would decline. I did lose 15 pounds the first month which was nice, although the second month I gained most of it back.

Now that I'm coming off of it i'm angry that it ate 2 months of my life and I can't even remember feeling anything over those 2 months! I did do some things that I wouldn't have done without feeling more anxiety, so I appreciate that part of it. I handed out resumes to jobs and I went to a few parties (yeah!) so that was great! But it still wasn't worth it. It only actually made me feel BETTEr the first 2-3 weeks, and then gradually the good effects were replaced by side effects.

Onto withdrawal because thats whats going on now. The withdrawal is like an on and off flu, muscle aches and pains, insomnia, headache, brain burning, vivid dreams and night terrors, some slight psychosis type feeling where some days I feel unable to recognize things as what they are, but what I'm struggling with is suicidal thoughts. I actually had it on the lexapro too, my apathy was accompanied with this feeling of "oh well, if I don't do _______ (insert something like graduate, or get a job, or lose weight, or get off of this bed that I feel bound to) then I can just kill myself. My brain said it like it was nothing, no shock or anything, just like a plan B. So it didnt feel urgent. With the withdrawal the feeling is more intense, like all that exists in life is me and my problems. Sometimes I'll feel like i'm going to have a panic attack or just start crying for no reason in random places, like at the grocery store. I felt morbid that day and had intrusive thoughts about other people getting hurt for some reason, and yesterday jumping in front of a train sounded exactly like what I felt like doing, it just sounded so magical and appealing. This whole withdrawal thing has a background feeling of delirium or delusion, and I can look back and relate the feeling well to when I had an experience on prozac years ago.

Really happy I realized this was withdrawal because I was worried for a sec! I have some interest in music and some real emotions this morning and so that's really cool and i'm hoping by day 21 that will be the length of the withdrawal seeing I took a small dose for a short amount of time. I've heard some people have withdrawal for 8 weeks, so i'm hoping such a small dose cant do that. I definitely just do NOT do well on SSRIS It's NOT worth the withdrawal or the side effects. Miss my positive, NOT-scatterbrained self! Excited with every emotion that comes back, missed them too! Even the "bad" ones (that really arent so bad)

It's back to healthy eating, vitamins/supplements, eventually exercising, to maintain my mood and anxiety levels.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Today is the first day I feel like I'm snapping back to myself. I feel like I have extra positive energy I want to put into things, I feel like I'm able to ENJOY exercise and sunlight, I'm able to focus (a little better.. still not 100%). Things don't feel scary, delusional, bottom of the rope nightmarish anymore. That was just the worst feeling.. Thank god! What day is this since stopping Lexapro... It's been like 15 days so I hope this is when I start to see positive change again. I'm excited and... have a new dislike for ALL drugs, even SSRIs. They just never, ever worked for me. Nothing in comparison to health!

 

[EscapeArtist]

It's not what I believe in logically, it's what the voices that define the origins of my thoughts say before being filtered:
What is it about trying to leave as little impact on the world as possible that angers a person. They feel controlled. They don't like that you assume that they are better off without you. Well you are, you all are, don't you see... You give energy to me that I can't do enough with. You expect me one day to be happy, but I just expect to revel in something, anything, at regular intervals,enough to be enticed with the possibility of a moment that is so fleeting you may not catch it once, not nearly once enough to be satisfied. Happiness is more appreciated when you go up and down in extremes. I don't want to lose the novelty of anything. The side of a young confused adult is change, experimentation. Simplicity. Rawness of reality. It won't meet your expectations. Maybe it won't meet mine as an idealist watching life fall off the pedastool, maybe that's the point.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I thought a big change was in order because I felt myself becoming more and more heavy/shameful/scared even after the cipralex WDs (which were intense woow.) I went and stayed with a friend and the plan was to get a job and maybe move in if I could / if I could get myself back together ( I hate being a negativity in somebody's home ). Although I still went through a lot of emotional ups and downs I immediately felt better there and felt like life was starting again somehow We sent out tons of resumes and at least went on a walk each day, for 2 weeks just kind of took it easy and sent out resumes.

I hooked a job! Fulltime, 40 hours a week. I was really excited, but it's the hardest job I've ever held (haha I have only had one other one, Earthwise, but that farm work I thought was the worst). This one is more of a factory environment. Half the people seem really immature/mean, no offence, and that makes me super anxious. The job is based on how fast you can perform, seeing it's production line work, and it's very anxiety provoking as I never feel like i'm going fast enough. It's also very labor intensive, some jobs are just lifting heavy things and throwing them down as fast as you can. The first day was the hardest day of my life, but maybe because I was sleep deprived and hungover. It was way more physically laborous than the farmwork, and the physical labor was the reason I quit the farmwork years ago. It's stressing me out so bad and I do not cope with stress well, I wonder if it's worth keeping for more than a few days. I plan to hold it for at least ONE more day. See if I can make it to 2. And then 3, etc. Until I just dont think it's worth it. I called in sick today. Hope that doesn't piss them off too much.


I question these days the ways that I cope. I feel like I've lost my spiritual self completely because I'm using a lot of substances constantly to cope with the loss of what used to get me through life. I won't go into long details but i've had so many 3-4 month stints of being addicted to things, and the last year have been getting drunk alone increasingly.

When I'm happy I feel like drinking isn't a problem. I stop after 1 or 2 drinks, or don't want a drink at all. The sun and health always felt better. I really miss that feeling! And feeling so positive and bubbly and inspired. Not to mention, when you're living healthy, the normal things in life seem SO exciting and not apathetic. But I forget how health feels, it's so hard to maintain. I'm at every 2nd day 1/2 a mickey. I wonder if that's so wrong? I don't want to worry friends or fam. I feel like I'm already worrying a friend.

I hope my new perception of adult life is wrong, totally wrong, because that's why I feel myself wanting to drink or use something.

If I can just start going to the gym in the evening and get out in the day, it's like magic. But I don't think I can unstick my habits living at home. I DO thing I can start a healthier lifestyle if I move out, but at the same time, NOT while working fulltime because it's way stressful. I guess the future is part time work, or wellfare/disability benefits (which would take longer...).. Don't want to just end up back in the upswing cycle of sitting at home, alone in a room, i don't want to lose this lead.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

...one more day?...I bet if you stick with it, you can do it for a year. That would be an amazing accomplishment and then you can get a job somewhere else.

In the meantime, eat healthy (fruits, nuts, vegetables).

 

[EscapeArtist]

This journal started out as a way to propel me forward positively and also help encourage others who are going through similar battles. But I look towards the end of the journal and somewhere I veered sharply downhill after some substance reliance problems and self neglect and all the posts kind of took this negative, hopeless turn. The beginning sounds like a totally different person to me, even though I remember what it feels like to be that person. I'm really happy I made this journal. I was copying and pasting all the entries, beginning to end, to a private online journal and was going to tell Coyote to delete this thread, but re-reading all the posts in the beginning has given me new motivation to become that person again. Life was so shiny bright. I'm going to read her entries and try to take on the actions and mindsets she talked about. I really miss this site as a community and feeling like a positive contribution to it, and also feeling the positive vibes come back. As much as this place is a good place to get negative emotions out, I want to let the positive bright shiny hopeful person shine in this journal so i'm going to make an effort to be that again, or at least pick out the moments and things I do still feel that way about, and write them here, instead of just wallowing and stunting.

 

[MikeyC]

I believe you can be that person again, Escape. You've taken some good steps lately to better yourself, and it can only be even more improved from here.

 

[vj288]

This journal started out as a way to propel me forward positively and also help encourage others who are going through similar battles. But I look towards the end of the journal and somewhere I veered sharply downhill after some substance reliance problems and self neglect and all the posts kind of took this negative, hopeless turn. The beginning sounds like a totally different person to me, even though I remember what it feels like to be that person. I'm really happy I made this journal. I was copying and pasting all the entries, beginning to end, to a private online journal and was going to tell Coyote to delete this thread, but re-reading all the posts in the beginning has given me new motivation to become that person again. Life was so shiny bright. I'm going to read her entries and try to take on the actions and mindsets she talked about. I really miss this site as a community and feeling like a positive contribution to it, and also feeling the positive vibes come back. As much as this place is a good place to get negative emotions out, I want to let the positive bright shiny hopeful person shine in this journal so i'm going to make an effort to be that again, or at least pick out the moments and things I do still feel that way about, and write them here, instead of just wallowing and stunting.

I feel the same way about my journal type thread too, I read back to where I was at the start and then look at myself now and wonder what happened. It really helped for a while, my "plan" and then I sort of peaked and afterward started to go downhill it feels like. I really want to try to recapture part of the person I was change my mindset and perspective on things to how I had them once. I'm not sure if I'm misremembering how I used to be or not, but from reading back it feels like I lost or changed something I wanted to keep.

Good luck Sab, you'll be back on the horse soon.

 

[EscapeArtist]

" from reading back it feels like I lost or changed something I wanted to keep "
I really like how you said that. Maybe it's just that everybody has ups and downs ? I know that what seems to draw me back is that when I have a "down" that lasts over a week, all the negative thoughts I thought I had already worked through come back with a vengeance and assume I haven't changed at all. Perfectionistic standards + one little mistake can drag me down, and then I get all on myself. Are we (or I) still being too much of a perfectionist / have too high of standards for my healing? I don't know what else it oculd be.... Thoughts?


Today I tried so hard to get out of the house but "failed" (the quotations = that's what my brain is telling me, anyhow.) I tried once, then called said friend and bumped it back 2 hours when I thought it would be easier. I managed to walk to the bustop, sit there for 10 minutes and then walk back. The idea of entering "public" (bus, and city) felt somehow disgusting because of how I think I look today, like a fat mess. It wasn't a failure, I guess it was an attempt, but I'm not used to being too anxious to go into public or in this case use public transit so it feels more disastrous than when it was more common.

Because I feel tired, stuffy, low-dopamine-y, it's easier to assume that i'm a big eye sore to other people. I see myself as being fat / have a weird body and face shape, as well as really bum-like hair, so I tried going out in a big jacket and hat, but it's so hot out there I felt like I stood out even more and had to turn back.

Guilt or shame is really heavy these days. My mom told me today that she can only be productive when I'm out of the house. She hasn't had a job in years and when I was away from home at a friend's she actually started applying to jobs. Now that I'm back, she can't, because she feels socially drained if there is somebody in the house, even though I just hide in my room. This brings so much shame, I feel like the cause of my mom being so depressed herself. I try to counteract that thought and prove it FALSE, but I can't find a reason for it to be false. I guess it's a really bad idea for two agorophobes to live together, even if they rarely see eachother, somehow it is enabling. I am seriously considering getting on disability for the sake of my mom/sister, and myself.

Did I mention I didn't hold that job for more than 2 days? Lol. Fulltime work fail. Maybe i'll try again, apply to some jobs right this moment.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks Phocas I feel better after reading that. And yes it was a mismatch.. Thanks again!

 

[vj288]

" from reading back it feels like I lost or changed something I wanted to keep "
I really like how you said that. Maybe it's just that everybody has ups and downs ? I know that what seems to draw me back is that when I have a "down" that lasts over a week, all the negative thoughts I thought I had already worked through come back with a vengeance and assume I haven't changed at all. Perfectionistic standards + one little mistake can drag me down, and then I get all on myself. Are we (or I) still being too much of a perfectionist / have too high of standards for my healing? I don't know what else it could be.... Thoughts?

You know I had thought that it was because of a dropping off of perfectionist tendencies that did me in, and that from it I stopped caring and let myself become a person I don't like to be most days, because I had no drive to be a perfect person, nothing that stopped me from becoming a terrible loser of a person, just being someone I'm really embarrassed to call me.

But then your post made me think if maybe it did have to do with perfectionism, counter-intuitively. That some other outside source changed my perspective of what perfect is, and my need to attain it engulfed me and made me obsessive and change.

In short, I feel like I don't care about the same things anymore. And I wish I cared about the things I did before, and not the things I do now. I just don't feel healthy. I feel like a whole different person, I don't know if you can relate or if that helps at all.

 

[EscapeArtist]

VJ I related to that a lot. I feel like a whole different person too. People can see it also, which isn't fun. I'm entertaining the thought that it is that process that some people call "growing up" which hardens a person and makes them apathetic, like a lot of older peeps I see. But I don't believe that, it feels more like losing oneself as life gets more complicated.



I've jumped back into an isolation period for the last month, total hibernation. Even from internet friendships, which I regret, and in ways family relationships too. I feel more detached. So the loneliness is back all of a sudden and heavy, i'm probably writing this right now just because i'm desperate to feel like i'm talking to peeps. I go to the kitchen when my sister and her boyfriend are getting food and then back to my room when they're done because I'm so desperate to be around people.

There's this camping trip with a few friends in a few days and I'm trying to will myself to attend because I know how important events like that are when it comes to networking with friends and moving other friendships forward. It's super scary of course, I don't know what kind of mood i'll be in the day of the drive there when I have to spend 2-3 hours in a car with 4 near strangers. Or what mood i'll be in when i'm there. It's been a long time since I've felt social and peppy like my normal self, and without that part of myself I feel anxious and stuck/muted when i'm in groups of cheerful people. I'm going to try and go though because it's always been a dream scenario of mine to go camping with a group of people that I don't know well, there are so many opportunities and in one of my favorite atmospheres ever.

I've been back on cipralex for a month. I went back on it because I felt emotionally unstable, not in any extreme self harming way, but just in a way that I needed something to hold onto. When I went back on cipralex, I felt no difference, just what felt like the cessation of some kind of withdrawal. So I'm questioning whether I was only emotionally uncomfortable because I was still going through cipralex withdrawal in the first place -_- I'm rather mad at the decision to go back on it because I haven't had many positive effects, but the negative ones have come back. Mainly, the extreme lack of energy and inability to focus or learn. It's backfiring on me, I thought cip would help me study and control my appetite like it did in the first month way back. But instead I feel so tired and stressed about not being able to focus on school that i'm eating more, and of course, none of my studying is getting done, I can't even imagine focusing on it! Which is amazing to me, a person who actually loves to study pretty much anything for long hours. I have 1 week to learn a whole unit, and if I go camping, then that's actually 4-5 days. The cip has backfired also in the sense that I can't feel giddy happiness, but I can still feel sadness and stress. So wtf, cip?

A word of caution to people going off of antidepressants. The withdrawal can be tough. When I decided to go off of cipralex about 2 months ago, I felt strongly self harming,morbid and suicidal for 3 weeks. Crying outbursts, worst nightmares of my life,brain zaps, everything felt a psychotic, inhuman and dark. I had to go stay at a friend's house just to be safe. I'm seriously so mad that I put myself back on it and I have to go through a bit of that again....

Fortunately this experience has motivated me to go back to my health-crazy self. I'd love to re-live the experience of being SSRI free, cigarette free, healthy-eating crazed, supplements and exercising. That was definitely the one period of time that I experienced happiness, and I don't question whether it exists because of that period of time. So i'm tapering my cip, and going to wait for the energy to return, then turn that into exercise and use that motivation to eat like a crazy awesome positive health freak.haha.

 

[MikeyC]

I've jumped back into an isolation period for the last month, total hibernation. Even from internet friendships, which I regret, and in ways family relationships too. I feel more detached. So the loneliness is back all of a sudden and heavy, i'm probably writing this right now just because i'm desperate to feel like i'm talking to peeps. I go to the kitchen when my sister and her boyfriend are getting food and then back to my room when they're done because I'm so desperate to be around people.

Why did you isolate yourself so much? I don't understand.

 

[kihira]

There's this camping trip with a few friends in a few days and I'm trying to will myself to attend because I know how important events like that are when it comes to networking with friends and moving other friendships forward. It's super scary of course, I don't know what kind of mood i'll be in the day of the drive there when I have to spend 2-3 hours in a car with 4 near strangers. Or what mood i'll be in when i'm there. It's been a long time since I've felt social and peppy like my normal self, and without that part of myself I feel anxious and stuck/muted when i'm in groups of cheerful people. I'm going to try and go though because it's always been a dream scenario of mine to go camping with a group of people that I don't know well, there are so many opportunities and in one of my favorite atmospheres ever.

This is scary when you don't know if your mood is going to let you down on the day - what helps me is to accept that feeling quiet is ok and to not fall into the trap of thinking "oh no, I'm being quiet and everyone is noticing..." and you start feeling stupid and even more quiet and so on - instead, think along the lines of " I'm quiet for now, that's ok, my time for talking will come..."

I hope you go and have a wonderful time :]

 

[EscapeArtist]

Why did you isolate yourself so much? I don't understand.

I don't understand either. Whenever I have a social, out-there period of time, I feel this need to unwind by isolation. It's a lack of balance methinks

 

[MikeyC]

I don't understand either. Whenever I have a social, out-there period of time, I feel this need to unwind by isolation. It's a lack of balance methinks

There's nothing wrong with having some down-time and enjoying your own company, but you seem to have taken it to the extreme and didn't contact a single soul. People out there love you and want to hear from you. Remember that.

 

[vj288]

VJ I related to that a lot. I feel like a whole different person too. People can see it also, which isn't fun. I'm entertaining the thought that it is that process that some people call "growing up" which hardens a person and makes them apathetic, like a lot of older peeps I see. But I don't believe that, it feels more like losing oneself as life gets more complicated.

Yes, yesyesyes. I entertained almost that exact same thought, about growing up and also don't believe (or want to believe) that it's the case. The process of growing up may have an impact on it though, the transition between naive idealizing kid who strives to fit into the perfect world (s)he sees the world as to a more "real" outlook and having to settle in to things instead of imagining where they'll be when they grow up. It doesn't have to be a bad transition, but it's a change and like all changes there's a potential for change to be for the better or the worse.

Right now in my life I can say the how I feel is lost, like you said about losing yourself. I hope life becomes less complicated, or starts to make more sense soon. It feels like a state of limbo I'm stuck in, not knowing what to do until I can see where I am.

Maybe those feelings have to do with why you want to isolate yourself more lately? When I'm detached or out of touch with myself, I don't want to be anywhere near other people. I almost feel like I don't trust myself and will act out of character, or in ways that I don't want to, maybe? If I don't have a solid grasp on myself I just am all over the place.

That shouldn't deter you from camping though, you should definitely go! Getting out of your room can only be good, just try to think positive and your mood should follow. You'll be able to feed off the good vibes from the cool peeps you're going with too. Have fun!

 

[EscapeArtist]

limbo I'm stuck in, not knowing what to do until I can see where I am.

Maybe those feelings have to do with why you want to isolate yourself more lately? When I'm detached or out of touch with myself, I don't want to be anywhere near other people. I almost feel like I don't trust myself and will act out of character, or in ways that I don't want to, maybe? If I don't have a solid grasp on myself I just am all over the place.

EXACTLY! I have a friend with the same theory, and it really hits the nail on the head. I am embarrassed only when i'm not authentic, and it feels like all the time if there are negative feelings, seeing as I believe that a person is their lighter, dedicated ,childlike self. I don't want to be anything other than that. But what defines what you "are"?




Updates anyways. I went back on Cipralex and now I'm going off of it AGAIN! I went back on it because I was having big emotional highs and lows. I now realize that was because of Cipralex withdrawal lasting longer than I thought. When I went back on it I had no immediate side effects other than emotional stifling, and when I went off it the first time I remember feeling 'rockier' and raw-er than normal, as well as having a strong urge to lose myself/go crazy more intensely than normal, hence the reason I went back on it... It's just, it was all withdrawal. Sigh.

I find myself back in the spot I chose to go off of Cipralex, I have 0 energy or motivation, or emotions. I was on such a low dose but I guess i'm sensitive.. I can't even enjoy music or the sun. It sucks, and I can't focus on my studies again so I definitely have to go off of it. Although the withdrawal, the withdrawal is so much more powerful than the actual drug,WHY didn't doctors tell me about that?! I've been having the worst vivid nightmares every night and they always involve guns and my family dying. Even when I wake up from them I have another one when I fall back asleep. I wake up and all day I feel strong denationalization and destructive urges.I'm scared I don't have enough friends to lean on to make this more comfortable.

On another hand, I'm going to visit my dad in Alabama in 2 weeks and I'm scared shitless. I didn't realize he works 5 days a week in a whole different state and won't be there. I'll be there alone with his girlfriend and her 3 teenage sons...... Obviously not a good situation for a social phobic, let alone one who's going to be going through strong cipralex withdrawal and need constant attention. So i'm super worried but i'm trying to come up with ideas. Books, for one. I'll read a lot. I'll try and focus on exercising and eating well while i'm away from my life. I'm contacting people on plenty of fish to see if any gay peeps want to be friends, because I have none (gay friends). It's a good opportunity when you're in the south because gay peeps are rare and thus desperate and thus i assume their standards are lower and thus my BDD doesn't act up as much, lol. That's it..