Escape's Journal.
- Thread starter EscapeArtist
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Thanks guys. And you are right Puma. It's really just a screening process for disabilities or rather severe issues, especially when the job that you are applying for is stockperson 
Unfortunately i missed the call today that would have said whether I got it or not, no message was left and I was too afraid to call back :/. I really should have called back asap, in case they decided to just give it to somebody else if I got it.. They don't usually call back if they're not interested, right? So that's scary, I really hope I didn't mess things up by missing that. It's kind of an ideal job, even though it's in my old town where my past reputation would stalk me around, there is an old acquaintance like friend type person there so that would be really cool.
Also news, I am taking an exam on monday that will finally have me pass english 12. The teacher hooked me up with this exam because he thought I was a good writer and could pass it without taking the class, so that's really cool! FINALLY I finish a course without dropping it. Now there's 2 to go, and my hopes are the get into Uni either next year or the year after. I'm really excited for uni... I freaking love classes, and community, and people who are soul searching, which i'm sure some young people are doing in uni. The prospect of meeting people. The prospect of even meeting girls I could possibly, ya know, get to know and dabble in relationship territory? Who knows. But lots of young people my age seems like a good sign for making friends..So my hopes are moderately excited for that chapter of my life.
I also finished the book "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi. The end was eye opening. She states that part of what her anorexia did for her is lower her unbearably high perfectionistic standards. Whereas once she was never good enough, when she was super slim and had everybody worrying over her life, it was enough just to stay alive. For once she didn't have to do much to be good enough, in a way. I bet a lot of us use this tactic...
Unfortunately i missed the call today that would have said whether I got it or not, no message was left and I was too afraid to call back :/. I really should have called back asap, in case they decided to just give it to somebody else if I got it.. They don't usually call back if they're not interested, right? So that's scary, I really hope I didn't mess things up by missing that. It's kind of an ideal job, even though it's in my old town where my past reputation would stalk me around, there is an old acquaintance like friend type person there so that would be really cool.Also news, I am taking an exam on monday that will finally have me pass english 12. The teacher hooked me up with this exam because he thought I was a good writer and could pass it without taking the class, so that's really cool! FINALLY I finish a course without dropping it. Now there's 2 to go, and my hopes are the get into Uni either next year or the year after. I'm really excited for uni... I freaking love classes, and community, and people who are soul searching, which i'm sure some young people are doing in uni. The prospect of meeting people. The prospect of even meeting girls I could possibly, ya know, get to know and dabble in relationship territory? Who knows. But lots of young people my age seems like a good sign for making friends..So my hopes are moderately excited for that chapter of my life.
I also finished the book "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi. The end was eye opening. She states that part of what her anorexia did for her is lower her unbearably high perfectionistic standards. Whereas once she was never good enough, when she was super slim and had everybody worrying over her life, it was enough just to stay alive. For once she didn't have to do much to be good enough, in a way. I bet a lot of us use this tactic...
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MikeyC
Well-known member
This is great. I wish you nothing but the best, Escape, and hopefully you go to Uni and meet some cute girls.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
The idea of this journal grows more daunting as I look back on my over-dramaticness. But that's where growth comes from, and hopefully it will be apparent looking over this one day.
K so I signed myself up to go to 4 group meetup things over the course of this and next week. 2 of them are in the oh so familiar social anxiety group, and the other 2 are in new groups which is scary. I am also HOSTING a group meetup thing next week, which is super scary. Luckily, so far, only one person is going. Ha! It's on a very not-popular site, so it's hard to give it enough attention to catch enough attention, ya know? Also I reactivated my account on a dating site (looking for friends only) and am hoping to meet up with a person or two if I can, just to show myself that it's not impossible. For some reason, i'm scared of females, lol! Males are different because I see them as less judgemental, and I have issues with the male species that keeps me always somewhat distanced (have been working on that too..of course, but yeah). It's part of the reason i'm only friends with guys. I am more comfortable with guys because there isn't this pressure to be good enough for some reason, because I must have given up long ago with my father. Wow, getting kinda personal up in here. I'll stop there.. The point is, this week will be an effort, fo sho.
K so I signed myself up to go to 4 group meetup things over the course of this and next week. 2 of them are in the oh so familiar social anxiety group, and the other 2 are in new groups which is scary. I am also HOSTING a group meetup thing next week, which is super scary. Luckily, so far, only one person is going. Ha! It's on a very not-popular site, so it's hard to give it enough attention to catch enough attention, ya know? Also I reactivated my account on a dating site (looking for friends only) and am hoping to meet up with a person or two if I can, just to show myself that it's not impossible. For some reason, i'm scared of females, lol! Males are different because I see them as less judgemental, and I have issues with the male species that keeps me always somewhat distanced (have been working on that too..of course, but yeah). It's part of the reason i'm only friends with guys. I am more comfortable with guys because there isn't this pressure to be good enough for some reason, because I must have given up long ago with my father. Wow, getting kinda personal up in here. I'll stop there.. The point is, this week will be an effort, fo sho.
Opaline
1
Heh, I know exactly what you mean. But if you're evaluating an old post from a new perspective/mood, it's easy to feel embarrassed or silly about what you wrote before because now you don't feel that way. But you felt that way then, they were your honest feelings then, so there's no need to berate yourself for it.
Now, if only I could take my own advice
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Heh, I know exactly what you mean. But if you're evaluating an old post from a new perspective/mood, it's easy to feel embarrassed or silly about what you wrote before because now you don't feel that way. But you felt that way then, they were your honest feelings then, so there's no need to berate yourself for it.
Now, if only I could take my own advice
Lol, so I'm not the only one? When this journal is bumped up, SPAZ! That's some good advice there, I'm guessing if you haven't deleted your posts you ARE taking your advice :applause:
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I wouldn't say that my social anxiety is conquered, per se, but I have learned enough about socializing that I can go out and even meet strangers sometimes without thinking too much of it.
That's really cool. And it feels like I crossed a different stage of the issue, the first part is over. It's probably the reason that I feel like 50% of the original anxiety is gone, is because I don't idealize connections with other people anymore. It's also the reason right now that my depression is worse off, but I feel as if it could be a temporary slump of re-adjusting to life without idealizing so much. Not only is my depression worse off, but I feel rather self absorbed, more so than I used to. I feel less connected to other people, and I think it just means i'm coping with my attachment... 'put on a pedastool' thinking about peeps. Retreating from people because of this, means self absorption increases. Temporary, is everything.
Oh by the way, I held that one meetup I mentioned, and it went rather horrible. But i didn't even much care that it went badly (I was 30 minutes late, shy, somebody else took over as lead really, and everybody seemed bored lol) but I didn't much care which was even more overcoming than if it were to have went well.
Also, I was invited to a party by an old friend for christmas. That's scary. And really really really awesome . I can't wait to see her.
Last update I guess, gaining weight makes a person recluse. If that person is EscapeArtist... EscapeArtist wants to lose weight. DUH! Ya'll know that enough. But I hope I can and then post back that i'm making some progress on that.
yep, updates, check.
That's really cool. And it feels like I crossed a different stage of the issue, the first part is over. It's probably the reason that I feel like 50% of the original anxiety is gone, is because I don't idealize connections with other people anymore. It's also the reason right now that my depression is worse off, but I feel as if it could be a temporary slump of re-adjusting to life without idealizing so much. Not only is my depression worse off, but I feel rather self absorbed, more so than I used to. I feel less connected to other people, and I think it just means i'm coping with my attachment... 'put on a pedastool' thinking about peeps. Retreating from people because of this, means self absorption increases. Temporary, is everything.
Oh by the way, I held that one meetup I mentioned, and it went rather horrible. But i didn't even much care that it went badly (I was 30 minutes late, shy, somebody else took over as lead really, and everybody seemed bored lol) but I didn't much care which was even more overcoming than if it were to have went well.
Also, I was invited to a party by an old friend for christmas. That's scary. And really really really awesome . I can't wait to see her.
Last update I guess, gaining weight makes a person recluse. If that person is EscapeArtist... EscapeArtist wants to lose weight. DUH! Ya'll know that enough. But I hope I can and then post back that i'm making some progress on that.
yep, updates, check.
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MikeyC
Well-known member
This is great, Escape. I'm happy for you.
I'm not happy that you're more depressed now, though, but hopefully in time you will get through that and things will be as awesome as you deserve.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I have to apologize for the negativity before I write this, and that I've been so negative on this forum and not very helpful. It's been a great place to get things out, and also very difficult practice for admitting to feeling things.
People ask what is wrong when I cry, and I can't answer. No answer seems to explain because I don't even know. It feels deeply rooted in my past. Words cannot give the sense of tragedy I feel any justice, only put me in a fool's light. So I don't cry for fear that other won't understand if they find me. If they don't understand, it would be the greatest disappointment, seeing I've held in these same emotions for a good 10 years now. It's not fair to put the expectation on people to understand. But, It better ****ing mean something outside if it tears me apart inside. But it will never mean as much to the outside world. That's what i'm sure the 'faulty thoughts' tell me, and why I keep it in.
Trying to figure out where this sense of tragedy comes from. It's in who I am Who am I? I don't know. What defines a person? Is it the most vulnerable part of a person? The child that comes out of a person's eyes?
The child I was, was super quiet, and door-mat nice. I was terrified of upsetting people, so I tried to be perfect. Perfect meant quiet, apologize a lot, be hyper aware of my actions, never cause unnecessary pain. Even if somebody is hurting you. I was this super quiet doormat like hyper-generous kid with extreme empathy, but extreme self disregard. My best friend would pull me by my hair around the house and I wouldn't say a word despite the pain. I ALWAYS internalized and that, coupled with my good grades, was WHY I was "the good kid" and liked by my parents.
Push it down push it down push it down, and be the good, quiet, never-makes-a-fuss kid. I never ever spoke up or made a fuss, and that's also why I got the joking name of "the forgotten one". being the middle child who "didn't need any help". She got good grades and was always quiet, so she must be satisfied, right?
I don't remember even having emotions until the age of 13 when my parents divorced and my depression began. Maybe that is normal maturation though. Course I didn't bring it up with anybody. Cry every night till 3AM but wake up the next day like it didn't happen, my family was too torn themselves and i felt like they needed me more so i tried to be there for them..it wasn't the right time to show emotions.
As long as I didn't need help I felt worthy of love. And now I need help desperately,it's built up over a long time and I tried stuffing it back every single way. Now it's at it's top, I admit it. I can't stifle it anymore and I know it. It's at the point where I have so little emotional energy for anybody else because it takes so much to continually reject my own emotions, I feel narcissistic because it's all I am able to focus on, pushing things down. So much so that I can't communicate or socialize because there isn't enough extra energy in the mask i put on.
When I admit it, even in the subtle form of not being in the best mood, or writing this post, I feel unworthy of love. Ashamed. Like I was never the kid that was worthy of that status from not needing help, the person my parents knew me as. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Help me I need somebody to see me but I'm too scared it will also prove that I was never worth anything all along. Help me I'm scared if I lean on you I'll be taking from you. I can write it but I can't say it. I would feel way too guilty to make somebody feel obligated to care if I were to break down.
My greatest fear is the extreme attention that I need so desperately.
contemplating deletion
People ask what is wrong when I cry, and I can't answer. No answer seems to explain because I don't even know. It feels deeply rooted in my past. Words cannot give the sense of tragedy I feel any justice, only put me in a fool's light. So I don't cry for fear that other won't understand if they find me. If they don't understand, it would be the greatest disappointment, seeing I've held in these same emotions for a good 10 years now. It's not fair to put the expectation on people to understand. But, It better ****ing mean something outside if it tears me apart inside. But it will never mean as much to the outside world. That's what i'm sure the 'faulty thoughts' tell me, and why I keep it in.
Trying to figure out where this sense of tragedy comes from. It's in who I am Who am I? I don't know. What defines a person? Is it the most vulnerable part of a person? The child that comes out of a person's eyes?
The child I was, was super quiet, and door-mat nice. I was terrified of upsetting people, so I tried to be perfect. Perfect meant quiet, apologize a lot, be hyper aware of my actions, never cause unnecessary pain. Even if somebody is hurting you. I was this super quiet doormat like hyper-generous kid with extreme empathy, but extreme self disregard. My best friend would pull me by my hair around the house and I wouldn't say a word despite the pain. I ALWAYS internalized and that, coupled with my good grades, was WHY I was "the good kid" and liked by my parents.
Push it down push it down push it down, and be the good, quiet, never-makes-a-fuss kid. I never ever spoke up or made a fuss, and that's also why I got the joking name of "the forgotten one". being the middle child who "didn't need any help". She got good grades and was always quiet, so she must be satisfied, right?
I don't remember even having emotions until the age of 13 when my parents divorced and my depression began. Maybe that is normal maturation though. Course I didn't bring it up with anybody. Cry every night till 3AM but wake up the next day like it didn't happen, my family was too torn themselves and i felt like they needed me more so i tried to be there for them..it wasn't the right time to show emotions.
As long as I didn't need help I felt worthy of love. And now I need help desperately,it's built up over a long time and I tried stuffing it back every single way. Now it's at it's top, I admit it. I can't stifle it anymore and I know it. It's at the point where I have so little emotional energy for anybody else because it takes so much to continually reject my own emotions, I feel narcissistic because it's all I am able to focus on, pushing things down. So much so that I can't communicate or socialize because there isn't enough extra energy in the mask i put on.
When I admit it, even in the subtle form of not being in the best mood, or writing this post, I feel unworthy of love. Ashamed. Like I was never the kid that was worthy of that status from not needing help, the person my parents knew me as. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Help me I need somebody to see me but I'm too scared it will also prove that I was never worth anything all along. Help me I'm scared if I lean on you I'll be taking from you. I can write it but I can't say it. I would feel way too guilty to make somebody feel obligated to care if I were to break down.
My greatest fear is the extreme attention that I need so desperately.
contemplating deletion
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MikeyC
Well-known member
Escape, I have been a doormat my whole life, too, and you can only take so much of that before you break. You are at that stage. It'll go against every fiber of your being, but maybe it's time to tell people, even your parents, "I'm not okay. I need help."
You are just as important as others. Keep telling yourself that.
You are just as important as others. Keep telling yourself that.
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
I could relate to a lot of that; super quiet, internalizing everything from pain, to shame, to anger, to fear. Using that shroud of quietness to keep the illusion of perfection, not stepping on any toes, making everyone happy or in the very least not mad. I sometimes like to think when my depression hit I hid it away because I didn't want to burden people with it, or feel bad for me, but it never was that at all. I was hopeless, shamed, and unworthy, and I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want it to get out that there was something wrong with me, so I internalized it all. I'm glad no one tried to take advantage of me because I was the biggest doormat around, you could have done anything to me and I would have just taken it. That wasn't worded well, I can just relate.
It's okay to ask for help though, it is okay to take what you need from people, it is okay to be given attention. You deserve it as much as anyone else. Those are just words anyone can say words, even if they are true. I dare you to look at yourself and try to find a good, objective reason why those things wouldn't be okay. Write it down, say it out loud, hear and see how silly any of the reasons you come up with are. "It sounded better in my head..." is what happens, because your head isn't thinking straight right now. No one is obligated to give you the attention you need, that doesn't mean people don't want to though. You wouldn't be the burden you think you would. Someone I am sure, is willing to listen to what you have to say, and give you their undivided attention. I know there are lot's online, just lay it all out on one of them. Since I joined the forum I've always found things you've said very relate-able, and my ears are open if you need. You wouldn't be a burden, I promise.
It's okay to ask for help though, it is okay to take what you need from people, it is okay to be given attention. You deserve it as much as anyone else. Those are just words anyone can say words, even if they are true. I dare you to look at yourself and try to find a good, objective reason why those things wouldn't be okay. Write it down, say it out loud, hear and see how silly any of the reasons you come up with are. "It sounded better in my head..." is what happens, because your head isn't thinking straight right now. No one is obligated to give you the attention you need, that doesn't mean people don't want to though. You wouldn't be the burden you think you would. Someone I am sure, is willing to listen to what you have to say, and give you their undivided attention. I know there are lot's online, just lay it all out on one of them. Since I joined the forum I've always found things you've said very relate-able, and my ears are open if you need. You wouldn't be a burden, I promise.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Mikey has now become Marge.
Thank you guys. After writing that and crying (omg, the importance of crying is AMAZING! it's like revitalization) and reading your responses.. I feel really good again.
You guys are seriously some of the kindest people i've ever come across. I consider you real friends, thank you deeply. I could actually kind of see that similarity between us VJ and also Mikey. And i may take you up on that one day vj. <3
Thank you guys. After writing that and crying (omg, the importance of crying is AMAZING! it's like revitalization) and reading your responses.. I feel really good again.
You guys are seriously some of the kindest people i've ever come across. I consider you real friends, thank you deeply. I could actually kind of see that similarity between us VJ and also Mikey. And i may take you up on that one day vj. <3
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
where am I going? I recognize it. I accidentally found journals from when I was 13. They were really dark and spoke of cutting and how much I hated myself for being gay. For some reason reading them made me think that's who I really am and how I really feel inside, so I should let it out. I started cutting again, and it's scary how good it feels this time. I just worry about the scarring, and obviously i dont do it to kill myself. But I love the feeling, it's like my ultimate comfort zone. I think I'm ging to start exercising both in the morning and at night, because they both release endorphins and I don't want to cut to the point that I regret all the scars on my body.
I feel as if I can't communicate with friends anymore. My general state is one that can't laugh or have fun. There is a thought in my head that I want to die, but by accident, so with no shame, because I can't further be a shame than what I already am than if I were to kill myself on purpose.
I bring people down and I worry them, and the only ones that listen are the ones that need it the least from anybody else because they are willing to take on too much, to the point of hurting themselves
The SANE part of my, the REAL part of me, is saying "Its okay, you won't take so much pleasuer in all of this self harm f you just get back to HEALTH! There is always an underlying phsiological reason, it's why i want to be a naturopathic doctor. I must be deficient in something, or have a intestinal problem that is not allowing me to produce enough serotonin (90% of serotonin is created in the intestine). I know this is true so where I will start, I will start with health all over again. I may pick up some more B12 supplements and look into how to naturally increase serotonin and dopamine. I may re-try 5htp or even.... An antidepressant. All the ones in the past made me feel suicidal, but I feel like i'm at my worst, and I dont want to scar my body, so I'm desperate. Right now, Oxazepam is calming me down but not doing enough to make me feel CRAP.
I don't want to be this person! I dont want to be this person that makes people worried and the opposite of inspired! I want to show people what life CAN be if you make the right changes. I want to find what's making me feel this way in my body becaues I know it's not my fault! Things don't feel as inspiring and fresh as they used to. HEre is my plan. I need one.
Exercise in the morning AND the evening.
eat small amounts of food so I can both lose weight and regain the ability to absorb nutrients
stay away from my food sensitivities, COMPLETELY.
Start taking a high potency B complex vitamin, if i can get my mom to afford one..
Go on a bike ride with music every day so I can sort out my thoughts.
Write in a journal before bed.
STOP CAFFEINE AND SUGAR ALL TOGETHER.
GO TO BED BEFORE 10PM! I want to rise and sleep with the sun, especially with SAD
Maybe that's a lot to change, but I have already started. Normally I eat no sugar and little carbs. Normally I exercise in the morning anyways.
I want to be an example to all the friends that feel as crummy as I do. I want people to look at my life and be inspired as to what theirs could be, because they know me enough to knwo that they can too. I don't want to have repeats of today, when my friend found my scars, or a few days ago, when I had a drunken mental breakdown, that's not me and I REFUSE to be that person anymore.... Soo goodnight because it's past my bedtime.
I feel as if I can't communicate with friends anymore. My general state is one that can't laugh or have fun. There is a thought in my head that I want to die, but by accident, so with no shame, because I can't further be a shame than what I already am than if I were to kill myself on purpose.
I bring people down and I worry them, and the only ones that listen are the ones that need it the least from anybody else because they are willing to take on too much, to the point of hurting themselves
The SANE part of my, the REAL part of me, is saying "Its okay, you won't take so much pleasuer in all of this self harm f you just get back to HEALTH! There is always an underlying phsiological reason, it's why i want to be a naturopathic doctor. I must be deficient in something, or have a intestinal problem that is not allowing me to produce enough serotonin (90% of serotonin is created in the intestine). I know this is true so where I will start, I will start with health all over again. I may pick up some more B12 supplements and look into how to naturally increase serotonin and dopamine. I may re-try 5htp or even.... An antidepressant. All the ones in the past made me feel suicidal, but I feel like i'm at my worst, and I dont want to scar my body, so I'm desperate. Right now, Oxazepam is calming me down but not doing enough to make me feel CRAP.
I don't want to be this person! I dont want to be this person that makes people worried and the opposite of inspired! I want to show people what life CAN be if you make the right changes. I want to find what's making me feel this way in my body becaues I know it's not my fault! Things don't feel as inspiring and fresh as they used to. HEre is my plan. I need one.
Exercise in the morning AND the evening.
eat small amounts of food so I can both lose weight and regain the ability to absorb nutrients
stay away from my food sensitivities, COMPLETELY.
Start taking a high potency B complex vitamin, if i can get my mom to afford one..
Go on a bike ride with music every day so I can sort out my thoughts.
Write in a journal before bed.
STOP CAFFEINE AND SUGAR ALL TOGETHER.
GO TO BED BEFORE 10PM! I want to rise and sleep with the sun, especially with SAD
Maybe that's a lot to change, but I have already started. Normally I eat no sugar and little carbs. Normally I exercise in the morning anyways.
I want to be an example to all the friends that feel as crummy as I do. I want people to look at my life and be inspired as to what theirs could be, because they know me enough to knwo that they can too. I don't want to have repeats of today, when my friend found my scars, or a few days ago, when I had a drunken mental breakdown, that's not me and I REFUSE to be that person anymore.... Soo goodnight because it's past my bedtime.
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
This sounds good, keep to it. If it's out of your current realm of motivations and drives though, modify it. I find for me at least, planning is only effective if you can keep to it. Plans are definitely a great way to get back on track,
Also, note cutting is not on that list, keep it that way. It's not just about the scarring (which you will regret), it is about the whole idea of it. I have to wonder, for you specifically, if it more about the sensation or the idea of being found out. Lately you have been calling out for help, saying you want to talk to someone but can't, like screaming on the inside. I know when I did it I was always secretive, long sleeves even during sports and whatnot, but at the same time I felt a part of me wanted it to somehow make things better. I was feeling so hopeless, and I know that feeling drove me to do it but still iffy on what I thought it would accomplish. It was partly a call for help, I just hated myself and was out of ways to make it better. It wasn't just that, hurting yourself requires that hate for yourself too and feeling you need to feel pain or be punished, unworthy or undeserving of things (like love, which you said in a previous post I believe). I feel it would just reinforce that idea which I am sure you don't want.
I hope that didn't come off too mothering, cutting can be dangerous, mentally more so than physically I found. By the time I stopped things were so much worse. Of course you're not me though and can make your own judgement, I wanted to give my 2 cents. There's something out there to break that funk in right now, hopefully you'll find it soon.