Escape's Journal.

[EscapeArtist]

yeah that was too much planning, one of my defense mechanisms. I didn't do any of that today, really.

You're right. Exactly right. It's screaming on the inside and needing somebody to scream, cry and go crazy around emotionally, but not being able to, so doing it on myself. A lot of it is just because I hate myself and it feels good to see the blood. But a lot more of it is having some kind of 'proof' that i'm not really being overdramatic, I really need help and it's a way of having it possibly being found out without me having to say it. A proof stamp...


at this moment i'm just trying to be as honest as possible. because that's what keeps me away from bad decisions. Today I had a really bad idea to call a friend that has drugs but thank god it didn't work out! So yay. I know it wasn't what I wanted, but I have this restless, horrible feeling in my body today that needs something to shut it off. I know, I'm going to go for a walk with music. That will help.

I also told my mom about what i'm going through. I told her I need to get a perscription for a benzo because it helps me from harming myself ;/ which is really true, so i had to show her the scars. i hope i didn't hurt her, but i'm glad that she understands that perscription is the route right now. I'm going to look into SSRIs and a benzo for that anxious self destructive feeling.

On a more positive note, I signed up for Biology 12 online today. Also, I think i'm going to move out on disability. I don't see myself being able to hold a job and think it's the right thing to do at this point.

 

[MikeyC]

Big hugs to you, Escape. I hope you can follow that routine.

 

[EscapeArtist]

i'm posting again. Screw it. Ya'll can take my over-taking of this site.

I went on a walk. I tried to smoke a cigarette, for some reason thinking it would help. It made me feel dizzy. I felt angry that I was resorting to yet another 'distraction' substance. I took the 2 cigarettes I had stored up and shoved them in a puddle and stepped on them, and made a vow that from now on, I'm not being that person that I have become. Looking for escapes in everything. Jesus, i'm sick of not enjoying life and worrying people, and being an example to those that are already killing themselves. They see me and go, hey, I guess my track isn't that far off, maybe it's okay to keep on killing myself slowly. No.

I had a few realizations on my walk. I need time to walk to re ground myself. That was one realization. I need to be alone outside in the dark with music every day.

I have to cut a friend out of my life. Right now. He's a bad example on ME. I'm being selfish, and thinking of me. I have to talk to him. Call me when you're sober.

I'm going to jump back on health, slowly. Exerrcse in the morning like I have been. I'm going to start taking 5htp. I'm going to try and make exercise a hobby. I'm simply going to try and include hobbies, but make sure one of them allows for outside time... I'm NOT going to listen to these damn negative songs from my childhood anymore, it's positive music only now. I want to let out the fighter in me, mind-state wise, because it' strong.

Well, I'll make my own plan away from the public eye. But I want you to know that i'm working on an upswing and I feel like today is the end of this stupid dramatic bull**** because I'm ****ing going to fight against it, I wasn't worth losing to these people and to these thoughts.

 

[MikeyC]

^ Great post and we're all behind you every step of the way.

 

[kihira]

Yay! Walking is great for getting grounded, I always imagine it gets the body pump going pushing oxygen around and stuff, shifting that negative energy. Think I'll go and do the same :bigsmile:

 

[MikeyC]

Yay! Walking is great for getting grounded, I always imagine it gets the body pump going pushing oxygen around and stuff, shifting that negative energy. Think I'll go and do the same :bigsmile:

Walking is certainly really good. I need to do that most days.

 

[vj288]

An over-taking by Sab sounds good to me, I am sure you'd care more about it than the current webmaster :bigsmile:

You seem to be having a lot of good thoughts and good idea, which is great. Keep that up, do those things that will help you and get you to a state you want to see yourself in. If you keep finding yourself doing things that you know are bad for you though, but keep doing or thinking about doing them then there may be some deeper issues you may not be addressing. The feelings we have about things speak louder than the words we tell ourselves. If that's the case you have to attack the feelings at the root, follow the thought pattern back to the root and uproot i. Especially if this isn't a new issue or feeling, you could have deeply ingrained in you head a false belief that is just driving everything and making your life feel like such a battle at times. Be truly open with yourself, and tell someone else too if it would help.

Besides that keep doing those things that are working for you right now. Keep walking, anything else that beneficial. Be consistent, you know that already I'm sure, the good derived from something overtime builds up.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks ya'll. Just want to update so you all are not worried about me! I obviously was feeling hellish, but I started taking 5-htp. Surprisingly, it's working. It got me out of hellish. Sometimes I feel a little zombified but that's when I take too much. Last night and today, I feel actually good, right now I feel really good, like as good as i was when i was a child. That may be because the sun is out, outside, or because of 5htp (at this point i know the severity of my depression is seasonal). But I do know that 5htp is taking me out of desperation which is really cool, and reducing my overeating because I feel full when I take it (goes to show overeating really is related to serotonin).

I take up to 100mg a day, and at this point it's working. I also ordered some Same-E and gaba to see if they would do anything, seeing this is working. The only downside so far is that I have really bad insomnia (was up until 5am last 2 days after finally getting sleep on track). Also it competes with L-tyrosine, the amino acid that raises dopamine, so with long term use can reduce your dopamine levels which apparently can be helped by taking L-tyrosine on and off as well. Don't have the money for that currently though.

Not sure if it helps socially yet but definitely helps depression.

I'm supposed to go to a spin class next week with a friend. I'm scared because I have scars on my arm from that episode, and I don't think I can wear a long sleeve shirt to a spin class? It's also the reason I stopped going to the gym. Gym in a long sleeve shirt? For some reason that sounds like it would draw attention.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm glad you're feeling better, Escape. I'm sorry you're going through some tough times. *hug*

 

[vj288]

I'm supposed to go to a spin class next week with a friend. I'm scared because I have scars on my arm from that episode, and I don't think I can wear a long sleeve shirt to a spin class? It's also the reason I stopped going to the gym. Gym in a long sleeve shirt? For some reason that sounds like it would draw attention.

A long sleeve shirt should be okay. I wore underarmor (spandex-y type clothing) during my indoor track season to cover my arms and no one thought twice about it. It can get hot, but to look on the bright side it makes you sweat more and get a better workout. You may be able to go without a long sleeve shirt even, it's one of those things that you notice a lot more than other people do, unless you bring attention to it. Either that or people just pretend like it's not there, either way it won't be a problem.

Glad things are looking better

 

[EscapeArtist]

I'm going to a CoDa meeting tomorrow! (Putting here so that I don't back up. Hold me accountable!)

Codependency Anonymous. I am a codependent person. I feel responsible for other people's feelings, and that is why I feel shame being around people. Perhaps this is one of my most underlying social problems! I wonder, if any of you feel the same might be part of the problem?

 

[kihira]

I'm going to a CoDa meeting tomorrow! (Putting here so that I don't back up. Hold me accountable!)

Codependency Anonymous. I am a codependent person. I feel responsible for other people's feelings, and that is why I feel shame being around people. Perhaps this is one of my most underlying social problems! I wonder, if any of you feel the same might be part of the problem?

Good for you! Interested to hear how this goes. No "End Of The World" excuses, ok?

 

[MikeyC]

I didn't even know there was such a thing as CoDa. Good luck, Escape. I hope it all goes well for you.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I'm going to a CoDa meeting tomorrow! (Putting here so that I don't back up. Hold me accountable!)

Codependency Anonymous. I am a codependent person. I feel responsible for other people's feelings, and that is why I feel shame being around people. Perhaps this is one of my most underlying social problems! I wonder, if any of you feel the same might be part of the problem?

I feel the same way too and I am aware of this codependency. When it happens I always tell myself that I am not responsible of their feelings and that I should stop worrying about what they feel. But the more I tell that to myself, the stronger I become more conscious of their feelings. It's a non-stop battle within me. What I can only do is to pretend that 'I don't care' so I try not to react. But deep inside I'm still like "I know he/she thinks badly about me and I'm bothered but because I shouldn't care about their feelings, I'll just ignore that thought (repeat)"

 

[EscapeArtist]

I just basically told my friend that i can't be his friend unless he's sober, so it was goodbye. Some things you have to do to protect yourself. It's done. I love him but I won't be friends when he's killing himself. Hardest thing i've ever done in my life I think, and I hope he's okay . I'm all cried out now, and I feel a bit better... It feels selfish to say a weight lifted, but it feels like i'm free... I took the chains of somebody who had endless pain, only me taking it up, not even him. Don't have many friends (1 and you're awesome) so wil have to make some more.

 

[MikeyC]

You did the right thing, Escape. Sure, he needs help, but at the end of the day you have to look after yourself, too. Well done for breaking that tie, as it probably wasn't easy.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I went to the CoDa thing , I can say I went. I guess they didnt update their website, because the place was locked and closed. So it turned into a very long bus ride. That's still better than sitting at home and I still feel like I got out. I will try another one next week, but contact them first to make sure it's still active.

 

[MikeyC]

The attempt was there so you did very well, Escape. Well done.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Deleted ... I just realized this is most likely cipralex withdrawal related

 

[MikeyC]

That post was a little haphazard, so I assume you've got a lot on your chest that you want to unleash, Escape...even more than what you've expressed here.

Life is hard, but you can make your corner of it good. I hope you can one day.