Escape's Journal.

[EscapeArtist]

I didn't .____. shame.... But I also did not get a notice that I was going to be kicked out. Second chance! *Knees and bows to sky..lords*

Thanks for the push phocas, I think if I would have checked this in time it would have been just wahat i needed

 

[EscapeArtist]

Oh holy jeeze. Weird days are upon us.

This whole thing with my friend who's a guy and I couldn't figure out if I was attracted to. Gosh. It's over! But in such a bizzaaaarre way. I am a lesbian. Hah. I kind of already knew that. I really think it was just how much I admire him, plus being very lonely, plus intimacy fears already being stretched just by friendship and wanting to have more of it after getting a taste of real closeness.

Well you can check off first kiss finally off my list. That happened awhile ago. I never put it high priority, but it wasn't that nerve wracking, because i'm super comfortable with my friend. Not bad at it either, haha I was scared I wouldn't understand.. how to.. Lol.

Anyways, yesterday, let's say I almost lost my virginity, but he stopped it because he knows that if we were to continue I would most likely push him away. (too much vulnerability at once... too close too fast.) He is a smart person. Also he did not want to ruin our friendship. How many guys can do that? I admire his self control. And his decision was right. While it was a great experience, and I am more comfortable with relationships, and experienced quite a bit of new things/intimacy and all that, I knew it had to come to that. I would way rather be his good friend. And also I didn't have to be the one to say it, I was scared he was hoping it would work, but all along he knew more than I did about what had to be said and done.

I was actually angry when he first made the decision, which is odd.... But then overcame a huge flow of relief and pure joy, for many reasons, I have gained SO much from these experiences, I may have finally broken my trust and closeness issues for good. I trust this person completely and whole-y, more than I trust myself with myself. I can learn so much from him, and I can finally just have fun with life and friends and be myself with out all of these pressures this odd situation brought. All I want to focus on now is enjoying life, practicing being just me without my walls up, and meeting more amazing people that I can get close enough to, to call friends, or even family.

I feel totally lucky to have 2 of the most amazing, admirable, caring, interesting and grounded people I've ever met as friends. <3! Who knew friends were so important. I feel whole again...

 

[MikeyC]

Your male friend sounds so compassionate, Escape, and that's great. He gets you. I'm really happy for you.

 

[BlackPuma]

I'm very happy for you, Escape. Having people in your life that can influence you in a strong and positive way is perhaps one of the most valuable things you can have in life. Not to mention that that strong integrity and wisdom rubs off on people after a certain period, so in addition of them being great friends, they might even make you automatically correct things you didn't know you didn't like about yourself.

Good for you, Escape. I'm proud of you. ;3

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks guys Such heart warming replies <3 <3 You two total sweethearts.

Don't want to post too often or anything but this last week has been pretty rough for some reason. I feel an underlying stress that I won't acknowledge about ??? something. It may or may not be because I feel like I have lost myself in terms of my passions in life, health, nature, positivisy.... This may or may not be related to not having friends who are already where I want to be in life... And this all may or may not be helped by me making some friends who are into all that stuff as much as I am, or have already acheived the things I want to achieve, so I will go out to some groups either this or next week and see if I can feel a connection to any new people into htese things so I don't totally lose myself.


It could be because I haven't used any kratom for a week and that was pretty much getting me out a lot without stress, but without it I am overeating/eating food intolerances, which always leads me to feeling depressed lethargic and paranoid. Definition of the last week. Also smoking pot and drinking more. Why am I looking for an escape so bad? Probably when my health goes down the drain it feels like **** to be sober so I avoid it. Probably not a big deal to most people but it means I'm stifling some stress about something that I'm totally unaware of. I hope to pick myself back up healthwise tomorrow and ditch the whole drinking/pot thing...But not kratom, seeing it seems to help more than harm. Also go to school tomorrow. Don't have to take that test, just go !

Let me also shove in here that my underlying stress could be because I am totally unused to being close to somebody / somebody knowing me or caring, in person at least, seeing you guys are all ****ing amazing. It might even specifically have to do with males, because I don't get that feeling around females, but I do around my father. It makes me uncomfortable in a way I will have to analyze. I'm going to think outloud here. Nobody has to read it! (spare yourself!!). I always knew in the back of my mind that once I got a taste of true closeness and all this avoidant perosnality -like stuff got out the way, the biggest pain in the ass would be the fear of being alone and the constant feeling of abandonment that comes with being alone (even for a day). And then, that basically would be considered having very high expectations, and Im afraid of putting those on anybody when i know it's my problems

 

[MikeyC]

Good for you for stopping the alcohol and pot use. I've never smoked pot in my life but I have a few years of binge drinking to know that it does no good. I guess it's an adolescent thing, though. Or maybe I'm just getting old.

Having people get close to you that you're not accustomed to can be stressful. Sounds like you have that with men. Nothing wrong with that but I hope it's not detrimental.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks Mikey. That's awesome that you were able to stop binge drinking, that can be so difficult, what an achievement. I can really admire that, especially knowing a certain person/friend who is struggling with the same thing and has for her whole life, she tries to stop every day, and you HAVE.... Quitting, is a big deal, and a worthy practice.

Ya'll, please do not reply unless you feel it's for your benefit, because honestly, I feel guilty when you do.... Reply too much without me giving much back, which I feel unable to do at this moment ;/ I feel guilty for just putting so much of me out there in the fear that some people despise my (rather... not perfect) thoughts taking up so much space here

Things go up and down and right now they feel like they're going downnnnnnnnnnn. It very well could be because I have been binge eating on food **** that makes me feel horrible mentally/physically, but why do I feel the need to poison myself with food intolerance stuffs? It seriously feels like I'm trying to harm myself with it for some reason. I'm trying to figure out how things went from going so well to going so badly . I guess thank god that I'm sick, too sick to hide in pot or alcohol, and thank god that i'm a little beat down from food allergies, because feelings are coming out because of it.

My biggest fear about letting people in was because I was scared I would be opening a large wound I have covered for the last decade or so, ever since I moved from Oregon and then my family broke up, that once I get close to people again I will realize how much I need people and will be totally afraid to be alone, then I will put huge expectations on people and they will reject me, the worst possible situation... That must be it because writing that has me crying. This realization has me stuffing all kinds of things in my face/lungs when I'm alone because I just can't handle it now... Wait, yes I can, what am I saying. But that is the reason I have been drinking/smoking pot/kratom/binge eating just out of the blue like BAM. No, wait, that's not the reason, the fact that I haven't sat down and acknowledged this is the reason.

I felt less lonely hiding from this fact.... Because part of me feels like I'l never have the family-like closeness that I need to ****ing move on with my life and get passed all of these things, from the past. That's the reason I have to go to a commune... Where people are making an effort to bring their walls down and connect, and where you never have to be alone...Says my mind. But you cannot run from your problems, I have to learn some things first...


What scares me the most is that I feel like I can't just have a connection with anybody. It feels kind of rare. That's probably because I only feel comfortable with certain people right now and I expect a LOT! There are a lot of things I feel like is necessary in a person, and I strive very hard to be those things in my own life so that it is more reassuring that those things exist for other people, too... But holy ****, my expectations are HIGH. SO high. I've always known that.

If I can call my counselor in time and there is still a spot open tomorrow, I will have a session with her, and I will bring all this up... Which will be very scary... But I am not sure how to move past revelations and feelings faster than by sharing them. Hence.. this journal

 

[MikeyC]

Thanks Mikey. That's awesome that you were able to stop binge drinking, that can be so difficult, what an achievement. I can really admire that, especially knowing a certain person/friend who is struggling with the same thing and has for her whole life, she tries to stop every day, and you HAVE.... Quitting, is a big deal, and a worthy practice.

Thank you. A big party I went to where I got too drunk for my own good was the catalyst. I've been drunk since then, but that turned me off. My last two drunken experiences was September, then January. Three months, and I don't even miss it.

Ya'll, please do not reply unless you feel it's for your benefit, because honestly, I feel guilty when you do.... Reply too much without me giving much back, which I feel unable to do at this moment ;/ I feel guilty for just putting so much of me out there in the fear that some people despise my (rather... not perfect) thoughts taking up so much space here

Duly noted, but this is your journal, so you can write whatever you like.

What scares me the most is that I feel like I can't just have a connection with anybody. It feels kind of rare. That's probably because I only feel comfortable with certain people right now and I expect a LOT! There are a lot of things I feel like is necessary in a person, and I strive very hard to be those things in my own life so that it is more reassuring that those things exist for other people, too... But holy ****, my expectations are HIGH. SO high. I've always known that.

Perhaps you haven't met the correct people? Who knows. Having high expectations of people isn't a good thing because you're not allowing any wiggle room for possible flaws, which we all have. You will have connections with people, but it's just a matter of finding compatible friends.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Maybe you're right, it's all about compatible. Maybe I don't even have high expectations. Maybe it's just that I have a lot bottled up and once it gets out, i have less need for people..


Also... Thank you spworld for being there. I feel ever so peaceful after writing that. Like now I can move on, stifling and hiding is the real depressant and dissociative here

 

[MikeyC]

I'm glad we could help you out.

 

[EscapeArtist]

For the sake of boredom I'm updating this again.

Don't know what's gotten into me but I seem to have completely negletced the real sabrina, passionate, health oriented, believes in things bigger, the future, nature, helping others, you know, that one...and am taking part in self destructive behaviour, feel more depressed than usual as a result, drinking every day which is very unusual because I don't even enjoy it, skipping school. Don't understand what is behind this. . . Or where it suddenly came from. But I'm sure I'll pick myself up eventually.

 

[MikeyC]

Melancholy can hit at any moment, and it can be harsh. You said you know that you'll pick yourself up eventually, which is a good sign that you're already on the way out.

Daily drinking is not good for you and I seriously hope that doesn't turn into a habit.

Sabrina is such an awesome name.

 

[vj288]

Sabrina is such an awesome name.

Agreed!


.

 

[EscapeArtist]

An Important Day

It sounds Spanish To me at least.


Today I hung out with my best friend from 3 years ago and also another old friend from 3 years ago, the high-school days.

It is a little bit touchy seeing as after I pushed these people away or they pushed me away, I was completely alone, resentful, and that is where most of my growth spurred from. All of this time I thought I have made no improvement, but hanging out with these 2 people has shown me just how much I have grown. A LOT!!!!!!!!!!

It is amazing how I am now able to realize how much my connections with people have developed compared to then. Seeing these people, it felt like a whole different kind of connection than what I have with the few friends I have. It felt shallow, judgmental, un-authentic, more-so it felt like these people did not know themselves and that was the reason they are unable to see these things. I had to practice holding back my thoughts because I felt I would be judged if I am to be authentic. This was surprisingly a very new feeling for me because the few friends I have now I share all of my thoughts with and can be who-ever I really am with. There is no judgment at all to it.

The best way I can describe it is like this. Let's pretend we're back in the tribal days...for some reason. The connection with these old friends felt like they were taking a break from their tribe to visit the "other" tribe (which i'm apart of), because I'm not one of them they have to be on guard and put a wall up seeing as this is still an "other", like I am not on their 'team'... for the purpose of visitation only. If that makes any sense. It felt impossible to find their true selves and talk to those, and felt like when I did it was met with a lack of understanding, passed off very quickly and met with an "oohhh-kay then" and a switch of a topic.

This is not how real people are.... Real people, how do they cover up who they are and use socialization only as a means of escape rather than support? I feel as if these feelings come from a lack of self-understanding and unconditional love and a lack of appreciation of others. I watched a lecture once on authenticity and how to be authentic, and one thing that stuck with me is "Authenticity is just showing up". Take that on a physical level, showing up to a physical location despite any imperfections, and also on a deeper level, showing your truth and your soul despite fear of judgment.

I realize that, while I asked them TONS of questions about their life, they did not ask me a SINGLE ONE! Whaaaat? ? ? (EDIT: I just realized one of them did still ask if I have cats!) They actually know nothing about me. They were not interested at all. I am not offended but rather I do not understand, as I am very interested in knowing how they have progressed through life. It reminds me a lot of some members of my family that do not show interest in my life but rather use me as a person to get things out to. It makes me realize how important it is to have friends know the importance of listening and trying to connect on a soul-level.

I know one of the friends I hung out with today has a very supportive, understanding side, her sister has anxiety too and she was very caring when I first told her so many years ago. I think that I can eventually connect to that side of her, but being who I am today with the very authentic friends that I have, that side of her doesn't seem as strong as I once though.

I see that I have done a LOT of growing in the last 3 years despite thinking I have been wasting my life. I am not jealous of their positions in college or the workplace, instead I walk away relieved at the progress I have made, how well I know myself and what I need to be satisfied by life, what is important and how to get it. I sit here so thankful for my path through life these last 3 years and all that they have made me. This came from hardship, awareness, and dedication to always be better for it. And also I sit here now with the confirmation of what one of my friends once said, avoidance and anxiety may come from not being one's truth in the presence of another and finding shame and disconnection from that.

My goal these last few months has been to become as authentic as possible with everybody, so I am actually hoping to see these 2 on and off almost as practice to be authentic around people who are not used to it, to see where it takes any kind of bond and to learn to appreciate all kinds


Lessons of the Day:
1. Growth is hard to measure unless you go back.
2. Authenticity and taking the gaurd all the way down is the way out of loneliness and low self confidence.
3. Go back to the physical places of the past to get over them. They are not as glamorous as when you are mourning their loss
4. Hard times in life can give you the world through the ways that they build you up and improve your future.
5. Self improvement is the most important thing, more important to life than college, or a job, you are NOT missing out, you are NOT going nowhere
6. I love my life's direction.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I wanted to make you happy
But I've fallen
I'm sorry
I thought my wings could hold me up
With angels
Not demons

You don't know how cool you are
To find the ways to love me
Without shame

Oh shame...
Oh shame...

I want my life to be red
With trees and like autumn
I'd float away from evil
And down towards
The healing

So sad now we have become
The children trapped in the mazes
I'd give my soul to the one
Who has the courage to find me
And free me
Now

Oh shame...
Oh shame...

If I run, I'll
Just become like
All the faking lights
So let the thunders
Take me under
And break my legs tonight

Let the thunders
Take me under
And break my legs tonight,
Break my legs tonight

Hallelujah, I'm not breathing!
Hallelujah, I'm not breathing!
Hallelujah, I'm not breathing!
Hallelujah!

I wanna make you happy...
But I've fallen...
I'm sorry...

Down Towards the Healing - YouTube

 

[EscapeArtist]

In the midst of failling the same class I've already failed twice. I didn't put any effort into this one, didn't even do one assignment. It's not a big deal to me, it's not like I could function in college, or a full time job that college/highschool could get me anyways right now, so it's just not a priority, not as much as learning to LIVE is at least! Like jeeze..

But I still feel like **** because my parents lose all hope in me from this. And plus it means that I can't live here, unless I get a job, which doesn't sound like something I'll be able to hold down, either. I guess, disability benefits is what I'm looking at. :/

Why can't my parents understand, school is NOT as important as my mental health. Why can't they work on one thing at a time?

I can't figure out why I feel so terrible lately. Maybe I'm having a negative reaction to my st. johns wort? My anxiety is better but my depression is worse. Before I used to believe there was nowhere but up I could go but now I honestly just don't care about my future very much.

That friend of mine, I learned recently that he has been taking drugs for a very long time (I thought it was only rather recently, 2 years or something), and he is able to work 16 hours a day with that...Got him through school.. Lost 100 pounds.. The fact that he is functional on the long term basis he has been using daily feels like it give sme another option. What if this route has been demonized and more positive really can come of it than negative? Today I was wondering if that could help me. I don't know why I'm admitting that, becuase it's kind of stupid to admit that, but I did promise myself to be completely open on here so... Meh.

Anyways, that direction is not appealing to me because it will separate me from my real self and the connection to nature and all that stuff that I adore. More importantly it would separate me from that friend because he would not approve so strongly that it would do nothing but leave me completely alone. So that stops me from considering that. At the same time, the idea is there in the back of my head I must admit. I guess lucky for me, I would have to call a very seedy person, a friend of my mothers, whom I don't know very well to go in that direction, so it won't happen... But damn I don't get why I feel so horrible!! Maybe I'll try going off of St. John's Wort.

 

[BlackPuma]

Good for you being open and honest regardless of possible judgment here. It's very important to be honest to yourself, especially when you're being tormented by a unknown source. Sometimes it's a internal chemical imbalance, but it can also be subconscious fear, anger or guilt. It's good to have all platforms open for review.

For what it's worth, I totally get how you're feeling towards your family right now. You're trying to help yourself, and them just hammering on this education thing. It's good to have education either way of course, even if just as a just-in-case backup. But for it to be achieved you must have the mental reservation for it. If you don't have that at the moment, they by all means, take a break from that particular process. You're not a dumb person, I think you realize very well you could get through that course with minimal effort if you were to have the energy to apply it. They want what's best for you, but chances are they don't really get what you're going through, and are so oblivious to your real needs at this moment in time. So trust yourself that you know what's best.

On thing though, stay away from any kind of drugs. These are the exact kind of moments that you fall for it; De-motivated, near desperate, down. While there are certain drugs that really do improve your body/mental capability, they also have a devastating effect on your body. I'm talking about cutting 20-25 years off your life without ever knowing or feeling it's happening. It can also suddenly stop your heart and the likes. Not to mention the risks of addiction and what that does to you and your surroundings. Just stay away from it. If you REALLY have to, stick with a softer drug and don't go further. The negative status it has is not a single word exaggerated. I don't want to see you get hurt. Sorry for the lecture, I don't think you'd ever actually do it. But just in case. ;3

Do you have a professional you can talk to about how you feel right now? Because I know out of my own personal experience that sudden positive change (aka; your new awesome friends, learned lessons) can lead to unconsciously resisting that change and therefor slipping into a long crunching state of emotional confusion in which all positive things are sort of shunned until they're gone. Unconsciously trying to restore the ''natural'' order of things, if you will. But that's me, I don't know if you can relate to that at all.

But if so, fight it. You deserve the good friends you have now, and also deserve a better life. Let the past be the past, all that matters is the decisions you make now, as they have a strong impact on the now- and the future.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks Puma.. You're right, too.. About the school. It's just what I needed to hear..

I don't think I'd ever actually do it, either, Unless it somehow spontaneously appeared in front of me during a moment when I felt the way I did. Which it wouldn't.


What you said about positive change being shunned... afraid of... I wonder if that's what it is? My therapist just went on break to have a baby so I do not have a professional to talk to... Could it really be that I'm just having trouble adapting to a positive change? You have brought a new perspective into this. I will take very careful consideration of this... a very insightful thing to say




Well 2 posts in 24 hours here it goes. I have never felt the way I feel right now. I have never cared about life so little, or had such little hope for the future, or felt so alone, even from my own self. Maybe this is rock bottom turning point.
I am having a weird kind of realization of sorts that I put way too much on this weird friendship thing whatever. All of my closeness issues, my daddy issues, my abandonment issues, family issues, relied on this one person to restore it for some reason. I met this person when they had no job and were in a similar isolation situation as me. They moved on so easily to get a job, and now they talk about the people they are meeting and making friends with, and this feeling comes right back to me that I was a stepping stone that is now holding them back. There to be used to get to the next stone, and now am a weight on their shoulders. They never wanted me.

At the same time, you have to wonder... This person has been on meth every day of their life for the past 8 years. Maybe what I'm seeing is an illusion. The thing I valued about this friendship so much was the authenticity.... The fact that they were real with me, not putting on a face.... But I think I am realizing that they are not as emotionally available as I thought... I don't know, I don't know what to say... I feel like pushing them away but like, at the same time, it will feel partly like a crisis to do that, I don't know
what to do, I feel more alone than ever. Like all this time, it wasn't real, because I didn't actually process the fact that... drugs are drugs! Well, I didn't know they started using at 14 years old until yesterday! Drugs are the one thing that make people un-authentic. I feel... misguided... Let down... Used... And like I'm better off without this person. Like we were not meant to be friends. If we're to be headed in similar situations. And like they are not a good influence on me... At least that's what I feel now, but my feelings change a lot.

I have lost myself for this person, truly... I want to go back to how I was before. Before I distanced myself from my family, those who really love me, and from myself. And before I started trying hard again to be liked by people who aren't important as I am to myself


Am I afraid of positive change... Or has this change not been positive at all, but rather an illusion. Have I been used... You knwo what they say about drug addicts... They don't care about anybody as much as their drug. Sigh........... I wish there was more I could do than write about this. I am SO CONFUSED.... And I think more lost than I've ever been...

I'm going on a fast tomorrow so that I can sort things out. This is the conclusion I came to with my mom. I tend to see things very clearly when I clear my body. Also I have totally ditched my healthy lifestyle these last few months and wonder if that's what is affecting me so badly...

 

[MikeyC]

I have never felt the way I feel right now. I have never cared about life so little, or had such little hope for the future, or felt so alone, even from my own self. Maybe this is rock bottom turning point.

I'm sorry you're going through such an emotional time. Or emotionless, maybe? Whatever the answer, it's not good.

I can kind of relate to what you're saying, but this could be an opportunity to better your life (is that irony?). What I mean is that if you truly care so little about things, you should do something spontaneous. You are likely to not care about the end result, but it could spur you on to try something new. Just a thought.

*hugs*

 

[BlackPuma]

It's difficult to say whether a person under influence of a strong drug shows his/her true emotions while you're with them, it's one of the reasons why I would suggest against drugs generally. They add multiple layers of reality to the user and people surrounding them. You never really know what layer you're seeing/relating to, the real person, or the traits generated by this chemical?

But with that said, what defines us as people is how we act most of the time. Imagine a person with a stressful job. This person would likely be plagued with a certain doze of adrenaline, and thus acts either more boldly/aggressively in general because of an external element (stress in this case). This is similar to your friend taking drugs. While it may not be the natural him, it is how he is as he reacts to the common and regular external element. If you like this person, I wouldn't push him away just yet. Concentrate on his behavior rather, and if that hurts you, then act upon it. You shouldn't feel like the third wheel in a 2 person friendship, nobody should feel like that with their friends.

I understand how you feel right now with the confusion. It's truly a hellish state of mind, especially when you're expected to make decisions with longer term consequences. While you might have decided to not focus on school, it must still suck to have to deal with the judgment from your parents. Not to mention other doubts. It's never easy. I really hope for you that your health spree will give you some mental breathing room.

Also try not to beat yourself up too much right now. It's easier said then done, but it won't help you at this moment. Pressure never compensates for mental reservation. It's like pushing a car without wheel around a race track. It's inefficient and incredibly damaging all around. It's better to lay low until you get your mind some wheels again. ;3