Enter the mysterious mind of the crazed wizard. And bring along ye lone imagination!

[lonely_drummer]

Hey everyone! I've noticed a lot of people doing journals and thought to myself, hey that could help. I recall about a year ago I saw an old friend who was recently enlightened. We had a conversation about writing and how I thought I was a horrible writer. He just said, wake up and before you do anything else, write 3 pages of whatever. After time I should notice more imagery coming out of my writing. So my goal here is to write a journal entry every second day or so. Just about whatever, I feel the need to vent. My closest and only friends are leaving very soon so I feel this will be the only way. I will jabber on and on and on and you can read or not, whatever suits you. Reply or not, it doesn't matter.
So lately I have been getting back into the rhythm of meditating everyday. My mind is beginning to clear and I've spent at one sitting just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and then bam, an hour blows by. I've been losing sense of time and have just slammed into this neutral emotionless person. It feels weird. I've also started drawing and I've never really enjoyed it before, I am beginning to see how enhancing it is now.
I feel a shift occurring in my life right now. It's there, I can just feel it. I usually never remember my dreams unless they're nightmares but this last week and a bit I been having a lot of dreams, well remember a lot of dreams. Very hopeful dreams. Hard to explain. Like I feel nurtured and great in them. No hesitation or anything. A lot of them have been about mountains, living high, way way up there, inside the clouds and I have a little cabin, enough for one and maybe one guest lol. Everytime I think about it I can breathe that air, I can smell it. I dunno, maybe that's what normal dreams are actually like and I've never had one till now.
Well, I feel I need to keep doing this. Better to write it out than staring at the ceiling all day. Blah blah blah jibber jabber wookie wookie woooo!

 

[MikeyC]

Alright, drummer has a journal.

Good on you for meditating, mate. If it helps you, certainly continue doing it, and it seems like it is helping a lot.

I usually go through stages of remembering and forgetting dreams, but there are always a few I can remember. Last night I remembered a bad one about going to jail, so that's not good at all. Hopefully the ones you remember are all good.

 

[Hoppy]

About a little thing called 750 Words

Good luck, have fun. I'm getting into the 30 day challenge thing now.

 

[lonely_drummer]

I've come to realize that I should just accept things. Accept the fact that no other girls will be interested in me. I should just go back to basking in my loneliness. Having all of these intruding thoughts of possibly being with someone are just distracting and taking up too much of my time. I know the way I get, if I get involved it just preoccupies me too much and every other aspect of my life is put on hold. I'm looking out for me now. My mind just can't handle it.
As for a positive note, I got out today. I went to see a couple of old friends, went out for supper and had a pretty decent time but I feel exhausted. That's how I generally feel though, just exhausted. I'm waiting around for summer so I can go off on another adventure into the mountains. I been having these really really intense panic attacks lately, just had two this morning. It's getting pretty overwhelming. Also I'm getting this dream like feeling all the time, its been really hard to tell the difference from what's real and what's not, kinda freakin me out a bit.

 

[MikeyC]

I've come to realize that I should just accept things. Accept the fact that no other girls will be interested in me. I should just go back to basking in my loneliness. Having all of these intruding thoughts of possibly being with someone are just distracting and taking up too much of my time. I know the way I get, if I get involved it just preoccupies me too much and every other aspect of my life is put on hold. I'm looking out for me now. My mind just can't handle it.

I had a similar thought years ago. After the first girl I was serious about, I thought there'd be nobody, but I've come to realise now that it's simply untrue. There will be other girls in your life...you've just got to meet them somehow. They will turn up.

 

[lonely_drummer]

I had a similar thought years ago. After the first girl I was serious about, I thought there'd be nobody, but I've come to realise now that it's simply untrue. There will be other girls in your life...you've just got to meet them somehow. They will turn up.

That's basically what I'm not looking forward to. I know I will meet other girls and that it will turn into nothing. I will just end up in the background like always, dreaming about her while I watch another guy step in and takes her breath away. I've come to realize that wanting this will only hold me back and torture me for the rest of my life. I been practicing celibacy for the past 4 years and one girl comes along and she just takes my head for a spin. It was the only time in the last 4 years I was willing to give up all that hard work for a single girl. Well it ain't happening now, I've come to realize why should I bother? Why try and get a girl? I only stress myself out then. Blah blah blah blah, man I don't wanna talk about this crap no more.
I been having these really intense panic attacks lately and just had another one just now. I don't know what's going on with me lately. Things are seeming very unreal or something. Like I'm caught in a dream world where all of you will tell me not to worry because I'm not. Well I know something's up and I shall get to the bottom of this.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed from all this and can't wait for the spring. I'm pretty sure I will be hitting the mountains again this summer and live there as long as I can. I'm just feeling that the city isn't really working for me. I feel I get depressed so easily here. Well that's all I gotta say for today, I hope everyone else is feeling ok today.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Hello, I'm very happy to see that you have a journal I've always thought you were intelligent and interesting but you never posted that often (I don't think?). I think these journals can help a lot! As long as you keep posting and don't let intimidating get to ya (putting thoughts out on the net can be so intimidating... or er, maybe just me)

Sometimes it's okay to take a break from yearning for.. yearnings. You desire a girl very much, but wanting a girl seems to be putting you in a lot of pain. I think it's actually a good thing that you are choosing to "Accept" what is right now, but realize that you're not giving up, you're just taking a break from working towards that goal. You won't always feel this hopeless about it, resting from the idea of it is what will fuel you with motivation later when you can come back to the feeling of wanting it.

Sometimes exercise can take me out of the dream world feeling. It's a hard feeling to change though because it's a hard feeling to even understand, it kind of pops up randomly huh?

 

[MikeyC]

I will just end up in the background like always, dreaming about her while I watch another guy step in and takes her breath away.

This has happened to me, too, and this is certainly not fun. ::

I been practicing celibacy for the past 4 years and one girl comes along and she just takes my head for a spin.

This always happens because you can't control how you'll feel around girls. After my first love broke my heart, I decided I didn't want to go down that path again, and I've done it twice since...so it shows that girls have an emotional power over us.

I'm just feeling that the city isn't really working for me. I feel I get depressed so easily here.

Cities are a good place to visit, but I could never live in one. The crowds, the chaos, the noise: not for me. I think you're of a similar thought pattern. Country/suburb/rural living is more relaxed and I enjoy having green around me.

 

[lonely_drummer]

This has happened to me, too, and this is certainly not fun. ::


This always happens because you can't control how you'll feel around girls. After my first love broke my heart, I decided I didn't want to go down that path again, and I've done it twice since...so it shows that girls have an emotional power over us.


Cities are a good place to visit, but I could never live in one. The crowds, the chaos, the noise: not for me. I think you're of a similar thought pattern. Country/suburb/rural living is more relaxed and I enjoy having green around me.

Wow Mikey! I thought this only happened to me! It happens to me again and again. I had the same awakening after my first love broke my heart as well. I am putting my loving efforts towards nature and music now and I guess I still have my love for physics and astronomy as I still find myself pouring through old textbooks of quantum field theory or reading new findings of a supernova which blasted over a million years ago, it's just all too good and I can still do all those in solo, where I'm most comfortable.

 

[MikeyC]

Wow Mikey! I thought this only happened to me! It happens to me again and again. I had the same awakening after my first love broke my heart as well. I am putting my loving efforts towards nature and music now and I guess I still have my love for physics and astronomy as I still find myself pouring through old textbooks of quantum field theory or reading new findings of a supernova which blasted over a million years ago, it's just all too good and I can still do all those in solo, where I'm most comfortable.

Haha, no, it happens to just about everyone, mate. Only one time it's happened on a large scale and it ended with a broken heart for me, which I think has adversely affected me to this day.

Astronomy sounds really interesting and I'm glad you're putting all your efforts into that. Are you planning on doing that as a career choice or just as a hobby for the time being? Astronomers can earn lots of money and I'm sure you've got the smarts for it.

 

[lonely_drummer]

Haha, no, it happens to just about everyone, mate. Only one time it's happened on a large scale and it ended with a broken heart for me, which I think has adversely affected me to this day.

Astronomy sounds really interesting and I'm glad you're putting all your efforts into that. Are you planning on doing that as a career choice or just as a hobby for the time being? Astronomers can earn lots of money and I'm sure you've got the smarts for it.

I actually was on route to becoming an astronomer. I finished my bachelors in Physics about a year and a half ago but Im not really ready for graduate school. Im just leaving it as a hobby, well a very intense hobby since Im ALWAYS flipping through books every day. I just found school to be very limiting. They will only teach you the needed stuff to learn, but i want to learn EVERYTHING haha

 

[lonely_drummer]

Oh man. Up down up down up down. It seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life right now. Lately I been pretty down and lastnight I decided to get out of my cave and hung out with the roomates. We just sat around and had a couple drinks and just chatted and I felt really really good. It was a fun night and I was one of the last ones to run off to their room to sleep which is usually not the case. And today, I spent most of the day in bed finding it nearly impossible to even get up. I went for a walk in the -30 weather today lol but still have that blah feeling. Also I still keep having these very intense panic attacks. It seems to only be happening in the morning but it's just so hard to explain. I get out of breath and get very nauseous and it just feels like I been pulled out of this dimension looking into ours, seeing my same old room but it's not the same, not at all... Blah that's hard to explain. I just don't want to feel so crappy anymore

 

[1BlackSheep]

Have you tried any meds for the panic attacks, Drummer? There was a time in my life years ago where I had horrible panic disorder and was absolutely miserable. I finally went to see my doc and she put me on Paxil. Gradually, the panic attacks went away and I no longer need to take meds for it (although it does help with on-going depression).

Hope you are able to find some relief - I know how awful it feels!

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Hm, why don't you try to plan some stuff during that "happy mode"? You know, some things that you think might help you out of this "unhappy mode". Have you spoken to anyone about this? You might need some medical help with this one.

 

[lonely_drummer]

Howdy y'all! Well considering I been in bed sick the last 2 days, I been feeling better emotionally. My crazy panic attacks haven't shown their faces around here the past few days which is a huge relief. Plus the weather has been warming up and it's suppose to be above 0 all week which is the biggest reason why I'm staying in bed so I can get better quicker and enjoy the nice weather.

I been really trying to get out of this rut Ive been in the last few weeks and I'm just seeming to be getting out of it, great! I'm beginning to realize that my music and art are the only things I should be concentrating on nowadays. I don't have time or the mental capacity to be wondering about girls. I need to just stick with my pursuit to knowledge instead of trying to be happy. If I try to become happy, it will just become obsessing thoughts and happiness will never be achieved. I haven't lost hope for happiness, this just seems easier for the time being. I have a solo album to work on, so I need to start cracking on it. Music, that shall be the number one thing on my mind this next little while, I don't need any distractions or excuses to not get this done.

Also thank you to the people commenting and reading my thread, it's just comforting hearing from all you good and smart people. Reading your replys help open my eyes and I thank you for your time.

 

[MikeyC]

Ooh, a solo album? What genre will it be?

Also I love how anything above 0 is "good weather." 0 in Australia is absolutely freezing! Haha.

 

[lonely_drummer]

Ooh, a solo album? What genre will it be?

Also I love how anything above 0 is "good weather." 0 in Australia is absolutely freezing! Haha.

hehe, 0 right now is pretty dang warm, considering last week was -30

my solo album is just going to be an acoustic album. I've already got it all written, just need to take the time and record. I will post a rough version of one of the songs that will be on there.

Cody Leitenberger - It's all the same by Dr. Guzzlegore on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free

I recorded that on my iPad while trekking through the mountains in the yukon just this last summer.

 

[MikeyC]

hehe, 0 right now is pretty dang warm, considering last week was -30

It doesn't get to -30 anywhere in Australia, even in the snowy mountains. I can't even comprehend such temperatures.

my solo album is just going to be an acoustic album. I've already got it all written, just need to take the time and record. I will post a rough version of one of the songs that will be on there.

Cody Leitenberger - It's all the same by Dr. Guzzlegore on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free

I recorded that on my iPad while trekking through the mountains in the yukon just this last summer.

I remember you said you did some trekking. I would love to do something like that myself, too. I think it'd be fantastic and you would see some awesome things, not to mention it'd be a big challenge.

I'm listening to that linked song right now. Dude, you have some talent! Not bad quality for an iPad recording, too. Very nice, mate. I hope this music gets big for you.

 

[lonely_drummer]

It doesn't get to -30 anywhere in Australia, even in the snowy mountains. I can't even comprehend such temperatures.


I remember you said you did some trekking. I would love to do something like that myself, too. I think it'd be fantastic and you would see some awesome things, not to mention it'd be a big challenge.

I'm listening to that linked song right now. Dude, you have some talent! Not bad quality for an iPad recording, too. Very nice, mate. I hope this music gets big for you.

Thanks! Glad you like the tune.

 

[Nanita]

Cody Leitenberger - It's all the same by Dr. Guzzlegore on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free

I recorded that on my iPad while trekking through the mountains in the yukon just this last summer.

Waow man that is really good, I enjoyed listening to it
I also play guitar and sing, but have never really been able to compose