Do you repeatedly avoid romantic relationships?


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There have been times when I've been absolutely overwhelmed with despair and sadness when things have gone wrong, romantically. I generally avoid people, but when it comes to a relationship, I like getting to know someone intimately and building a meaningful bond with a single person. I'm not promiscuous, and I don't date around. That means I tend to put all my emotional eggs in one basket as my feelings grow, and if something goes down the tubes with that one relationship, I completely lose my mind, becoming hopelessly depressed and defeated.

I'm not exactly sure why this is, as we all know there are plenty of fish in the sea and that if someone screws you over, they weren't really worth your feelings to begin with, but still. I can't seem to put the hurt in perspective or get over it at all easily.


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Hi red,

I absolutely agree with what you say. The other thing too is that as avoidants, we tend to shun people, leaving us with no friends or support system whatsoever whenever things go badly. A problem shared is a problem halved, and if you have no way to do that or diffuse the pain in any way, it becomes a really tough burden to bear. I've always gone without friends because the social events and other friend-like obligations have always scared me, so I figured if I had to be sociable, it would only be to fulfill the basic human instinct (ie. to have a partner). So, long story short, I've often had girlfriends, but never straightforward, platonic friends.

In any case, just this past week I had a break up with a girl seven years my junior (she's 18, I'm 25) so nobody would expect to take that all too seriously. Instead, I became emotionally invested over the course of our six months together, and when it all went downhill just the other day, I found myself sitting on the end of my bed, my head in my hands, having panic attack after panic attack, literally pulsing with emotion. All the while, the logical part of me was saying "she was nothing but a dumb little brat, you can do better" and other soothing mantras, but regardless, I was completely shellshocked and still am to some degree. I'm fully aware that it's not fair, reasonable, or sensible to put so much stock in something that flimsy. Nobody should put that much pressure on an 18 year old, and yet, I did exactly that, completely setting myself up for disappointment in the process.

Anyway, my apologies for the little rant there. I just thought it was a pertinent example.
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I really don't know what to do in order to get the opportunities. I feel stuck with my circumstances and cant see how it can change, I have no friends that are girls . I wish chances for this could be handed to you on a plate, as in a way its a need like anything else. There's no help with this, its all down to you and your circumstances. If I knew a girl I was interested in and had chances to do something I would at least try in some way, and its not exactly going to get easier in this coming holiday when I wont even be around people at all.
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I don't think that anyone would ever even want me in the first place. I can't even imagine that, I'm so gross. I probably wouldn't even believe someone if they said they liked me, or I just owuldn't even notice it. I'm oblivious to things like that.

There isn't really anyone close to me, or can I imagine someone being so, so I don't have any to push away. I think it's more them not coming in the first place, because I'm really hostile and not appealing towards others.

I am so detached and distant from anyone and everything that I feel like I can never even come up to their level. I just can't understand things the way they do. I can't trust anyone either. I think they are lying, setting me up, saying things about me, or have some secret plan etc etc. That's why people tend to avoid me at all costs. Just not an approachable person I guess.
It's the "beaten dog syndrome". If an animal is hurt repeatedly, eventually it will lash out or shrink away from anyone, no matter how seemingly harmless their intentions may be. And it's a relentless cycle. Nine times out of ten, even when a woman makes it clear she's interested in me, I'll spurn her advances because I know that as soon as she discovers what I'm really like, she'll discard me like a disposable razor.
I can relate to all of the above.

If a girl starts to like me, I just think "If you knew the real me, you wouldn't like me anymore" and that's not just a paranoid thought, but a fact.
That is true for me too.

pity card for the office loser
Is there such a thing?


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Originally Posted by Weirdo
If a girl starts to like me, I just think "If you knew the real me, you wouldn't like me anymore" and that's not just a paranoid thought, but a fact.

This is just so sad to me. How do you know that for sure that she wouldn't like you????

Unless you give it a try and let her know how you feel, you won't ever know that for sure. Try to be friends first or at least talk to her. And maybe if you gave her a chance then you would be pleasently surprised especially if she's the right girl for you!
I don't know exactly what it means, this thread, Avoiding romantic relationship??? I dont try to be mean (ABSOLUTY NOT!) but in fact, i like romantic relationship and i dont avoid it i guess ??? :confused:
Or is it more on an emotionally way what is the scary thing about this ??

Please explain.

(oh and i'm not that good at english ::p: )


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Hello everyone, first post.

Like some others in this thread, I don't push people away so much as I never connect to them in the first place. I'm not merely perpetually girlfriendless, I'm friendless, period: I haven't talked on the phone with a 'friend' in six years, and even he was just a holdover from middle school -- my anxiety/avoidance patterns have grown more severe as I've aged, and my social circle has steadily whittled down to zero (save for family).

Re: the thread question, my answer is yes, absolutely. I even avoid/reject normal friendships at this point, and the heightened anxiety I experience over anything romantic only makes it more likely that I'll avoid potential dates. It's certainly not that I don't like girls, or don't want those things almost everyone wants -- love, companionship, sex, parenthood, etc. -- it's simply that in my case (and for others I'm sure) the psychological cost of even getting started to attain these things is incredibly high. Only unforeseen circumstances could swing the cost/benefit ratio earthward.

I'm not saying I'll never find a girl, but I'm 22 at this point, and have never even had the guts or willingness to be rejected for a date, much less go on one. And my stock is falling like a star, and I know it. I don't want to be a childless old virgin, but if that were my goal, I'm on the perfect track.
Im too fat and ugly. Thats what I feel like. I dont think I am that bad, I can be funny, maybe even romantic. But I jsut cant be comfortable with my looks.


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how do you know if you don't try..has there ever been a girl thats been nice, friendly, kind to can always start with that...


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how do you know if you don't try
Don't try what? I am so deviant, distant from mainstream society that there is no sense in trying anything. It is a fact that no halfway sane woman could ever find me attractive in any sense. I might be useful as a garbage can for her emotional rubbish - and have been (ab)used as such too often - but not for anything else, and this only online.

Would you not start to question interpersonal relationships, had every person you have ever had the pleasure to meet been interested only in the many ways you could be exploited for opportunistic purposes? Every woman my age I have so far met in real-life either bluntly tortured me with deliberate public humiliation, or abused me as an interactive source of information (and, of course, told me to fuck off when I wanted to just talk to her).

I don't blame just them, though. It is largely my fault, I am unapproachable and disgusting. At least, that's what my peers have taught me to think of myself.

has there ever been a girl thats been nice, friendly, kind to you
In real-life? No. Online doesn't count.

If a girl starts to like me, I just think "If you knew the real me, you wouldn't like me anymore" and that's not just a paranoid thought, but a fact.
Too true.

How do you know that for sure that she wouldn't like you?
Because there's nothing likable about the real me. I am repugnant in many ways. My concepts of morality, my interests and goals in life are too uncommon and especially unpleasant to most alive. Of course, I cannot know with certainty that 'she' wouldn't like me, but the likeliness of her doing so is too low to be of any significance.
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