Devotion to a relationship

[recluse]

Do you feel that if you do ever get in a relationship you will not have time to devote to that person?

I feel that i've gone for so many years without ever having had a girlfriend that i've become set in my ways. I feel that although i feel lonely, being alone is what only truly feels comfortable, i feel that i perhaps have damaged my brain into the belief that i should be solitary....That people take too much of my time.

Even so i want to experience a relationship but my brain tells me - ''You won't have time to do the hobbies you enjoy'' and the thought of having to speak on the phone every night fills me with fear, also the fear of meeting the girls parents fills me with fear.

It sucks to be lonely.

 

[Hellhound]

You don't have to be 24/7 with and for your partner. Everyone needs time for themselves, to do something they enjoy. Being in a relationship doesn't mean being chained to the other person.

 

[JamieD]

I'm totally with you dude. I feel as if could never be adequate, interesting or fun. I ask myself what would anyone see in me. And now i'm almost 20 and like you say, it's beginning to seem more and more out of my reach. Even if i had someone, it'd be hard for me to socialise with them, as i share no activities of other people my age. I don't really drink, go clubbing, etc. I think the answer is to think positive no matter how much it feels like you're kidding yourself.

 

[recluse]

I also have many days when i have no desire to face people and talk to people, other than the must to go to work....Not good!

I also have no interest in the clubbing/drinking scene so that is no good seeing that most of the population is into that.

 

[32belly]

This is a great topic!

In my experience, (I'm 40) it has been hard for me to be as open or giving in a relationship as I would like.

Often, I don't realize how withdrawn or solitary I am being until my girlfriend finally makes me realize through many discussions and arguments.

Also, I tend to resent others "imposing on my free time" because so often my free time is taken up with worry, dread, fear, avoidance, etc. and don't actually get to freely engage in my hobbies.

So yes, it is very difficult for me...especially in the early stages of a relationship.

As far as socializing, this is usually the first fear I have...that I won't measure up, wont be good enough, or fun enough, etc. This thought process has prevented me from pursuing many, many relationships and is maddening.

We with SA do not excel socially or professionally because of the simple fears and irrational thinking that prevents us from taking a risk, facing failure, and generally being communicative with others.

You are not alone with your thoughts...

 

[Hellhound]

I also have no interest in the clubbing/drinking scene so that is no good seeing that most of the population is into that.

But that's not that bad... is it?. Just because everyone else seems to be into that (which is not true, because not everyone enjoys such places), it doesn't mean you must do it too. Also, drinking is bad for you

 

[recluse]

^ It is when it's considered ''normal''....Most people who are not into drinking/partying are usually religious and i'm not religious. What if the girl insists on going to clubs when them places terrify me?

I can imagine people judging me for being boring for not being into that scene.

 

[Hellhound]

^ It is when it's considered ''normal''....Most people who are not into drinking/partying are usually religious and i'm not religious. What if the girl insists on going to clubs when them places terrify me?

I can imagine people judging me for being boring for not being into that scene.

If the girl insists and labels you for not liking those stuff, she's not worth your time. Same as anyone who might judge you. If your partner truly loves you, she will try to understand you and not pressure you into doing things you don't want to do.

 

[coyote]

This is a great topic!

In my experience, (I'm 40) it has been hard for me to be as open or giving in a relationship as I would like.

Often, I don't realize how withdrawn or solitary I am being until my girlfriend finally makes me realize through many discussions and arguments.

Also, I tend to resent others "imposing on my free time" because so often my free time is taken up with worry, dread, fear, avoidance, etc. and don't actually get to freely engage in my hobbies.

So yes, it is very difficult for me...especially in the early stages of a relationship.

As far as socializing, this is usually the first fear I have...that I won't measure up, wont be good enough, or fun enough, etc. This thought process has prevented me from pursuing many, many relationships and is maddening.

We with SA do not excel socially or professionally because of the simple fears and irrational thinking that prevents us from taking a risk, facing failure, and generally being communicative with others.

You are not alone with your thoughts...

exactly this!!

 

[Tiercel]

Although I've never been in one, I know I could handle it. I'm kind, caring, helpful, and very easygoing. Sometimes I don't feel like I'll ever deserve one, but I have to believe that bad things won't always happen to good people.

What bothers me is knowing that I'll always be afraid that I'm not good enough for a girl, her family, or anyone else.

 

[spect01]

Well, since it would be my FIRST EVER TIME being in one, I'd probably have trust issues because my mind has some made up views that I need to sort through. So, I would spend as much time as I can with them. I think everyone realizes the dangers of smothering and all that but when you never experienced or went a long time without you'd get obsessed quickly. I think I could handle it. For a change. Something different.

 

[Dronee]

Even so i want to experience a relationship but my brain tells me - ''You won't have time to do the hobbies you enjoy'' and the thought of having to speak on the phone every night fills me with fear, also the fear of meeting the girls parents fills me with fear.

It sucks to be lonely.

Sorry if I remember wrongly.. but you're the one who is a rare spoons collector? Well, whatever it is, it's possible that your partner is also interested in many of the same things as you are.. Or can learn to love them.

Some of my female friends tell me that their husbands are the ones who got them into watching soccer (or some other hobby)... As for the meeting the parents... yup... I share the same sentiments.

 

[Waybuloo]

^ It is when it's considered ''normal''....Most people who are not into drinking/partying are usually religious and i'm not religious. What if the girl insists on going to clubs when them places terrify me?

I can imagine people judging me for being boring for not being into that scene.

I actually think clubbing bores the **** out of me and nothing puts me off it even more than to see bunches of underwear clad girls and boozed up lads stumbling around shouting and vomiting - apparently that's considered normal for having a good time? Not anywhere else in Europe, (certain) Brits have a sad reputation for doing that. My only motive for going clubbing would be purely for dancing and losing myself in the music, but that's not what it is about these days, it's about showing off drunkeness and picking up sex partners.

I am not afraid of admitting I don't club and party, I enjoy movies, picnics, day trips, dinners and eating out. I am not religious and i know lots of other people who aren't.

I would move into a nicer area or find more mature aged friends if I were you. There are hobbie forums, like film clubs and such that you can join, why not suss out places that attract people with healthy hobbies?

 

[Felgen]

I also have many days when i have no desire to face people and talk to people, other than the must to go to work....Not good!

I also have no interest in the clubbing/drinking scene so that is no good seeing that most of the population is into that.

You don't have to go clubbing to go out. Pool halls, bowling, paintball, coffee bars and so on are great places to be with a girlfriend.

 

[recluse]

I actually think clubbing bores the **** out of me and nothing puts me off it even more than to see bunches of underwear clad girls and boozed up lads stumbling around shouting and vomiting - apparently that's considered normal for having a good time? Not anywhere else in Europe, (certain) Brits have a sad reputation for doing that. My only motive for going clubbing would be purely for dancing and losing myself in the music, but that's not what it is about these days, it's about showing off drunkeness and picking up sex partners.

I am not afraid of admitting I don't club and party, I enjoy movies, picnics, day trips, dinners and eating out. I am not religious and i know lots of other people who aren't.

I would move into a nicer area or find more mature aged friends if I were you. There are hobbie forums, like film clubs and such that you can join, why not suss out places that attract people with healthy hobbies?

I live in a rural place where there's not much to do ie- No cinemas o'r anything.

 

[mrb]

you say you wont have time for your hobbies , well that being the case try to find a girl that has the same hobbies as you , also as hellhound said you dont have to be with them 24/7 , you can do your own thing when you want to , same goes for her , as far as the drinking party scene is concerned , i drink but never when im with my gf , and iv been with her nearly 6 years now , so thats a good thing guess you could say she keeps me on the straight and narrow lol , oh by the way my gf doesnt drink so i dont when im with her , and meeting her parents well..... thats always a bit scary but im sure you as i did will cope with that , cos you have to lol , you will be supprised what you can do if your really put into a situation were you have to cope , dont forget the girls parents are probably just as worried about meeting you as you are meeting them just smile and be nice lol and hide that can of lager ..... joke ..

 

[Felgen]

My girlfriend drinks now and then. She doesn't mind the fact that I'm a strict teetotaler.

 

[Psychedelicious]

Panic Potion

If you do nothing, or practically nothing, you really don't need need to worry about a relationship taking up too much time. Even if you are relatively busy otherwise, there's still practical ways to make room for a relationship. I think you are way over-thinking it, because it isn't talk or see them all the time. You don't even have to talk to or see them everyday. Please don't feel like you can't devote to that person, because I'm sure that wouldn't be the problem. If you see this as I problem, I can't imagine what else you see as one too?

My part OUT.

 

[awkwardamanda]

I actually think if I were to find a good guy I'd be happier and more motivated to spend some time doing other things. But I'd need someone who will give me my space and understand that I need some alone time and not someone's who's clingy and wanting to hang out 24/7. My ex was like that. I don't know how I put up with it. He didn't understand that I just needed time to myself. He thought that if we weren't both at work or something, we should be hanging out. He took offense if I didn't want to see him because I had other things to do, like homework or cleaning my room or something important. I couldn't even just take some time to do fun things like play computer games or even see my friends or whatever, because any time I had to myself was spent doing homework. The screwy part was he would sit and play video games, read sports columns, chat on msn, and browse facebook while I sat there watching over his shoulder, bored ****less. And then he'd tell me did that because I was boring him. I never made him watch me play SimCity or anything. He also had the nerve to tell me to go see my friends more and to go make new ones even though he took up all my time. It got to a point where I was relieved if we had clashing work schedules because I had some alone time for once. Of course that was always spent doing work and not usually anything fun. It was so nice to have some freedom once that was all over. Sometimes I really like just having all this time to myself. But I've been lonely long enough now. I'd make time if I met somebody worth my time, but I'd still need my space and anybody who doesn't respect that really isn't worth my time.

 

[EgoZero]

Although I've never been in one, I know I could handle it. I'm kind, caring, helpful, and very easygoing. Sometimes I don't feel like I'll ever deserve one, but I have to believe that bad things won't always happen to good people.

What bothers me is knowing that I'll always be afraid that I'm not good enough for a girl, her family, or anyone else.

This for me too