Duzmiu
Well-known member
Today is a sick day.
Sun is shining, birds are chirping, my ASS hurts so baaad!
I haven't gone to the hospital yet.
The pain is worse than it was yesterday or the day before... or the day before-- so it's getting better, I suppose?
Probably just an odd pulled muscle.
I can't think of what I must've done to hurt myself though.
Picking up leaves...?
So... I can run 16km but I can't crouch and pick up leaves for an hour without pulling muscles.
nice.
Since I can't think of anything positive to say right now and I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for weeks, I think I'll take this chance to get something off my chest.
There's alot of negativity on the forum-- which is to be expected.
We all have had bad experiences with people.
We've been bullied by others or ourselves.
One thing that makes me feel terrible is the negativity towards the sexes.
Men towards women, mainly.
I can say from my experience that men can be abusive, they can be hateful, they can be self conscious and weak and lash out because of their insecurities-- but I don't think for a moment that all men are like this.
I raised my brother specifically to NOT be like this.
My father is not like this, despite his self-hatred, he has never lashed out at me for being a woman although he feels that it was my mother who ruined his life-- he knows it's not true.
He has had therapy over this issue but as I have felt that my ex was what ruined my life; he feels the same about my mother.
We have similar histories with our *only romantic relationships*/ childhood friend turned long term partner turned end of the world.
What bothers me often, is the whole competition aspect-- the belief that women have it easier in general.
All we have to do is dress sexy and look nice and catch a man with lots of money?
Is that not a stereotype? A really REALLY bad one that is widely believed to be true?
I had a career where I was expected to look good ALL THE TIME. From the moment I woke up in the morning-- until I locked my door at night and closed the blinds.
If I didn't look amazing and completely flawless, I was bullied and shunned and would often times be fired.
Had to wear 12 pounds of makeup to cover my acne and my jaundice.
I had to diet and be thin, I had to exercise, I had to pad my bra so that I wouldn't get called flat chested.
As a modern woman, I'm also expected to 'have my cake and eat it too'-- in being a long term partner/ a mother/ a housewife AND a business woman.
I had to deal with sexual harassment every minute of every day from every angle.
My job didn't pay alot unless I worked 100+ hours/week.
20 hours some days. No breaks. On edge the entire time.
And I got paid less, automatically-- than a man would have been paid in the same position.
Because of the way I looked for my job, I was judged and called a whore, called a slut, called a snob, called a bitch.
I've only ever dated one person.
I am very much a person filled with morals and I don't cross that line in my life or do anything to step on anyone or to stab anyone in the back or to say mean things or give the wrong impression with my body language.
And yet, I was called a whore, constantly... by 'jealous' people, I suppose.
People I would beat out of the job because I had more credentials or more enthusiasm or more charm-- all of which I only had because I worked so hard to be this person I wanted to be.
To use my only talent to entertain strangers.
I was never credited for my hard work - men tend to get credit- I have yet to get credit.
But I did it anyway.
Up until I lost my relationship and he left me, I did what I could to make everyone around me happy because that was all that made me happy.
Because the woman is expected to be the glue of a family.
The one who holds everything together.
Work/cook/clean/give birth/raise children/never step out of line/don't speak up.
We can cry, sure. That's allowed.
We can't be treated equally, though because we're weak and we're stupid.
I've really lost my train of thought...
What I was trying to work up to, though-- is that today is today.
It's not 50 years ago.
Social 'standards' are what you make them to be. They aren't set in stone anymore.
Gay couples are allowed to adopt now!
They can get married and do what they like-- and that's 'socially abnormal' to some people, isn't it?
But they should do it anyways, if it's what makes them happy.
And they DO do it.
You should do what you want to do with your life. What makes you happy.
What makes me happy?
I don't know...
Sitting in my room and being miserable and fantasizing about new ways to kill myself sure doesn't.
So, I'll work to change that.
Work to find things that do make me happy.
I'll have to start from scratch again and I'll probably never act again, but that's okay I guess...
I'm just not cut out for it.
I'll find something else that makes me feel like my life is worth living.
so sorry to hear all of this.
i must say tho, the gender sterotype thing you were talking about is kind of true with some people, not me, i treat others how they treat me..well i tend to be a bit nicer but anyway i was bought up by my mum and sister so ive never thought woman to be weak or anything like that, granted i wont let my sister use the power drill after she tried putting a shelf up and put a massive whole in the wall and burst a pipe :/
i also learnt the hard way when i was younger that women are strong, my sister can still kick my arse to this day...she may be small but she bites damnit! (no joke she bite my cheek once, drew blood and everything)
anyway
on saturday i was out celebrating my 21st had my 2 of my dads girlfriends sisters with us and they are incredibly good looking, anyone would agree if you saw them,
anyway they spent the whole night flirting with other people getting all there drinks bought for them and acting like well sl**s,
then when they chatted up this really drunk bloke and walked off with him and wandered why he wouldnt leave when they was bored, we almost got into a fight with him the police was called and got out of control, ruined the night...anyway yea..
the sterotype is true only for a few people that actually use there looks as a tool, flash of the boobs, flirty, being all touchy and that crap and because of those sl**s (as im going to call them now) do this it makes alot of men think thats how all women are.
its a shame to say its true but nothing we can do stop it.
loving the blog, good to see your getting out and about and there also quite funny, loved the darth vader and unicorn pic
-Duz
