I have a little dilemma, and I'm not sure how to go about solving it.
Let me start by saying that last Christmas was the absolute worst of my entire life. My partner and I had been together for almost a year, but this was our first Christmas together. As such, I was excited to go home with him to spend Christmas with his family. I had met his family before, but this was Christmas and I really, really wanted to be a part of it.
Everything started out okay, we arrived and got settled in, and that evening we went out to eat with his sister and two of his best friends that he's known for years. They were all easy enough to be around and I enjoyed it.
When we got home, we all sat in the family room, his parents and another sister were there, and I just settled in to the couch and relaxed, thinking that I could get through this holiday trip, no problem.
Then, out of nowhere, the doorbell rings. It's like 10pm, but almost a DOZEN people come in, bearing food, alcohol, noisiness, etc. These were all old highschool friends of the siblings, who were all in town for the holidays and wanted to visit for a few late hours.
This is where things went downhill, fast. I panicked, and went to bed early, just desperately trying to get away from the throng of rowdy people who had known each other all their lives and didn't give a damn about me. (Can I say damn on this forum? Oh well.) I felt awful, like such a loser, and just cried myself to sleep.
The next days weren't any better. Every time people came over, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I spent the vast majority of the time in my room, just wishing it would all end. I felt so horribly trapped in that house. I didn't even want to venture out to use the restroom because I worried that someone would see me and ask why I was being so horribly anti-social.
On Christmas Day, the immediate family gathered to open presents. I was grateful that I was there to be a part of it, and even got a token gift, but it was really, really awkward to be there while they opened gift after gift after gift, while I sat there clutching the scarf I had been given. At one point, my boyfriend's mom stood up in front of everyone and addressed me by his ex-girlfriend's name. It was an honest mistake, but absolutely mortifying.
To make a long story less long, it was a long, painful, horrible few days that I thought would never end, and by the time it was over I was furious with my boyfriend, he was angry and upset with me for acting out at him, and I was pretty certain that nothing would ever be good again.
It didn't help that as we were on our way out the door to head home at last, his mom called me by his ex-girlfriend's name again. AAAArgh!
Anyway, things did calm down between us, and we let the whole episode just kind of fade away. That was easy to do once we got back home where I felt safe.
But now, he's talking about this Christmas. In order to accommodate my fears and help avoid the christmas crowd of people, he wants us to go visit his family the weekend before or after Christmas. I had fully intended to tell him that I don't want to go back there ever again, but I wavered when he suggested that and didn't tell him how I was really feeling.
I don't know what to do about it. I think he would be understanding if I told him that it stresses me out too much to go visit his family in their house, thousands of miles away from my comfort zone.
But, I hate to be THAT girlfriend. Considering that these are my future in-laws (they don't know that yet), I feel like I simply have an obligation to visit them with my boyfriend, as a couple, during the holidays. But I'm terrified that it will be a repeat of last year, and I will just end up sulking in my bedroom the entire time again. Pretty soon, they're going to catch on to the fact that being there terrifies me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. But if I don't work at it, how will I ever overcome it? And how can I spend our entire relationship avoiding being a part of his family?
I really wanted to be a part of the family, but when I was there last Christmas I just felt completely shoved to the back, like I wasn't even there at all. I didn't feel like they were trying to include me, though I know that they weren't doing anything to try to exclude me.
On top of that, I absolutely hate flying in airplanes, and will go out of my way to avoid it. I rarely travel beyond my immediate geographic region, and that's perfectly fine by me.
I just don't know if I should suck it up and give it another try, or if the panic that I'm feeling just thinking about it is a bad indication of what will happen once I get back into a place that has obviously triggered some very bad reactions in me. I don't want his family to think that I'm being a snob, when in truth I'm just plain terrified of them.
Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out there. Any recommendations or encouraging thoughts are much appreciated.
Let me start by saying that last Christmas was the absolute worst of my entire life. My partner and I had been together for almost a year, but this was our first Christmas together. As such, I was excited to go home with him to spend Christmas with his family. I had met his family before, but this was Christmas and I really, really wanted to be a part of it.
Everything started out okay, we arrived and got settled in, and that evening we went out to eat with his sister and two of his best friends that he's known for years. They were all easy enough to be around and I enjoyed it.
When we got home, we all sat in the family room, his parents and another sister were there, and I just settled in to the couch and relaxed, thinking that I could get through this holiday trip, no problem.
Then, out of nowhere, the doorbell rings. It's like 10pm, but almost a DOZEN people come in, bearing food, alcohol, noisiness, etc. These were all old highschool friends of the siblings, who were all in town for the holidays and wanted to visit for a few late hours.
This is where things went downhill, fast. I panicked, and went to bed early, just desperately trying to get away from the throng of rowdy people who had known each other all their lives and didn't give a damn about me. (Can I say damn on this forum? Oh well.) I felt awful, like such a loser, and just cried myself to sleep.
The next days weren't any better. Every time people came over, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I spent the vast majority of the time in my room, just wishing it would all end. I felt so horribly trapped in that house. I didn't even want to venture out to use the restroom because I worried that someone would see me and ask why I was being so horribly anti-social.
On Christmas Day, the immediate family gathered to open presents. I was grateful that I was there to be a part of it, and even got a token gift, but it was really, really awkward to be there while they opened gift after gift after gift, while I sat there clutching the scarf I had been given. At one point, my boyfriend's mom stood up in front of everyone and addressed me by his ex-girlfriend's name. It was an honest mistake, but absolutely mortifying.
To make a long story less long, it was a long, painful, horrible few days that I thought would never end, and by the time it was over I was furious with my boyfriend, he was angry and upset with me for acting out at him, and I was pretty certain that nothing would ever be good again.
It didn't help that as we were on our way out the door to head home at last, his mom called me by his ex-girlfriend's name again. AAAArgh!
Anyway, things did calm down between us, and we let the whole episode just kind of fade away. That was easy to do once we got back home where I felt safe.
But now, he's talking about this Christmas. In order to accommodate my fears and help avoid the christmas crowd of people, he wants us to go visit his family the weekend before or after Christmas. I had fully intended to tell him that I don't want to go back there ever again, but I wavered when he suggested that and didn't tell him how I was really feeling.
I don't know what to do about it. I think he would be understanding if I told him that it stresses me out too much to go visit his family in their house, thousands of miles away from my comfort zone.
But, I hate to be THAT girlfriend. Considering that these are my future in-laws (they don't know that yet), I feel like I simply have an obligation to visit them with my boyfriend, as a couple, during the holidays. But I'm terrified that it will be a repeat of last year, and I will just end up sulking in my bedroom the entire time again. Pretty soon, they're going to catch on to the fact that being there terrifies me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. But if I don't work at it, how will I ever overcome it? And how can I spend our entire relationship avoiding being a part of his family?
I really wanted to be a part of the family, but when I was there last Christmas I just felt completely shoved to the back, like I wasn't even there at all. I didn't feel like they were trying to include me, though I know that they weren't doing anything to try to exclude me.
On top of that, I absolutely hate flying in airplanes, and will go out of my way to avoid it. I rarely travel beyond my immediate geographic region, and that's perfectly fine by me.
I just don't know if I should suck it up and give it another try, or if the panic that I'm feeling just thinking about it is a bad indication of what will happen once I get back into a place that has obviously triggered some very bad reactions in me. I don't want his family to think that I'm being a snob, when in truth I'm just plain terrified of them.
Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out there. Any recommendations or encouraging thoughts are much appreciated.