Christmas Decisions

Silatuyok

Well-known member
I have a little dilemma, and I'm not sure how to go about solving it.

Let me start by saying that last Christmas was the absolute worst of my entire life. My partner and I had been together for almost a year, but this was our first Christmas together. As such, I was excited to go home with him to spend Christmas with his family. I had met his family before, but this was Christmas and I really, really wanted to be a part of it.

Everything started out okay, we arrived and got settled in, and that evening we went out to eat with his sister and two of his best friends that he's known for years. They were all easy enough to be around and I enjoyed it.
When we got home, we all sat in the family room, his parents and another sister were there, and I just settled in to the couch and relaxed, thinking that I could get through this holiday trip, no problem.
Then, out of nowhere, the doorbell rings. It's like 10pm, but almost a DOZEN people come in, bearing food, alcohol, noisiness, etc. These were all old highschool friends of the siblings, who were all in town for the holidays and wanted to visit for a few late hours.
This is where things went downhill, fast. I panicked, and went to bed early, just desperately trying to get away from the throng of rowdy people who had known each other all their lives and didn't give a damn about me. (Can I say damn on this forum? Oh well.) I felt awful, like such a loser, and just cried myself to sleep.
The next days weren't any better. Every time people came over, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I spent the vast majority of the time in my room, just wishing it would all end. I felt so horribly trapped in that house. I didn't even want to venture out to use the restroom because I worried that someone would see me and ask why I was being so horribly anti-social.
On Christmas Day, the immediate family gathered to open presents. I was grateful that I was there to be a part of it, and even got a token gift, but it was really, really awkward to be there while they opened gift after gift after gift, while I sat there clutching the scarf I had been given. At one point, my boyfriend's mom stood up in front of everyone and addressed me by his ex-girlfriend's name. It was an honest mistake, but absolutely mortifying.
To make a long story less long, it was a long, painful, horrible few days that I thought would never end, and by the time it was over I was furious with my boyfriend, he was angry and upset with me for acting out at him, and I was pretty certain that nothing would ever be good again.
It didn't help that as we were on our way out the door to head home at last, his mom called me by his ex-girlfriend's name again. AAAArgh!

Anyway, things did calm down between us, and we let the whole episode just kind of fade away. That was easy to do once we got back home where I felt safe.
But now, he's talking about this Christmas. In order to accommodate my fears and help avoid the christmas crowd of people, he wants us to go visit his family the weekend before or after Christmas. I had fully intended to tell him that I don't want to go back there ever again, but I wavered when he suggested that and didn't tell him how I was really feeling.

I don't know what to do about it. I think he would be understanding if I told him that it stresses me out too much to go visit his family in their house, thousands of miles away from my comfort zone.
But, I hate to be THAT girlfriend. Considering that these are my future in-laws (they don't know that yet), I feel like I simply have an obligation to visit them with my boyfriend, as a couple, during the holidays. But I'm terrified that it will be a repeat of last year, and I will just end up sulking in my bedroom the entire time again. Pretty soon, they're going to catch on to the fact that being there terrifies me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. But if I don't work at it, how will I ever overcome it? And how can I spend our entire relationship avoiding being a part of his family?
I really wanted to be a part of the family, but when I was there last Christmas I just felt completely shoved to the back, like I wasn't even there at all. I didn't feel like they were trying to include me, though I know that they weren't doing anything to try to exclude me.

On top of that, I absolutely hate flying in airplanes, and will go out of my way to avoid it. I rarely travel beyond my immediate geographic region, and that's perfectly fine by me.

I just don't know if I should suck it up and give it another try, or if the panic that I'm feeling just thinking about it is a bad indication of what will happen once I get back into a place that has obviously triggered some very bad reactions in me. I don't want his family to think that I'm being a snob, when in truth I'm just plain terrified of them.

Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out there. Any recommendations or encouraging thoughts are much appreciated.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Sorry to hear about last Christmas. ::(: I've been through awkward Christmases with family before though. I have a rather strange extended family on my mom's side. See, her parents got divorced when she was really young, and they both got remarried. So I have all these cousins, aunts, and uncles on my mom's side through marriage. Well, when we first started having Christmas at her one step-sister's house (I was about 10 or 11), her immediate family was also there, so about 25 of us were crammed in the living room to open presents. It felt so awkward and weird, not to mention really uncomfortable being in a room full of strangers that are pretty much your family that you don't even know. My brother and I sat there awkwardly watching everyone open gift after gift while my brother and I held the one gift we got from my step-aunt (and I don't even remember what it was :rolleyes:). Even afterwards no one acknowledged us. Kinda felt like being tossed aside. It wasn't the worst Christmas I ever had though, but it was definitely one of the more awkward ones. Anyway, unnecessarily long story short, it's much better now, since going there year after year. We're recognized now, and it's pretty fun, but before it felt like a disaster.

So if I were you, I would just explain to your boyfriend (fiance? I believe I read correctly? Congrats! :)) exactly how you feel about the whole situation, just to let him know. He's there for you, to support you with this, and maybe he'll help give you a little push. Go ahead and give it another try, face your fears. I know it's hard. I honestly didn't think those Christmases would ever get better (even though I was just a kid), but they did after my parents kept bringing us year after year. I kinda look forward to it every year now. :)
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
Well... if you deem it important to go, you should give it a second try-- a FRESH start.

Family Christmasses as an adult tend to be more stressful than fun. Always expect stress- trials and tribulations and such... but the more time you spend with them, the more you'll be used to everyone's quirks.
Years later, you'll be able to look back at your holidays (which at the time didn't seem very amazing or funny) and you'll laugh.
 

Dark_Angel

Well-known member
So if I were you, I would just explain to your boyfriend (fiance? I believe I read correctly? Congrats! :)) exactly how you feel about the whole situation, just to let him know.

I agree with that , u are a couple and everyone should help eachother more in this kind of situations , as Phoenix said , i think u should explain all ur whole feeling about the xmas in his family house , always u guys should know how the other feels and he being ur bf and the future person that will stay close to u in ur life should help u and stay close to u , maybe for him should be a bit easier if but for us its a bit harder do certain things in certain situations , try to dont let u down if something maybe wont go as u planned when u will go for xmas and in general , if last year was very very bad maybe this year try to be it a bit better and so on , stay with ur bf and maybe find also a person in xmas u connect with that can u make u feel a bit more like home =)

You could also wear a large name tag when you're there :p

Lolz i think would be better to paint her name on the dress of her bf mum , but with a no removable paint ^^ so maybe she can learn...


ps: thats my first multiquote hope it wont be a mess =P anyways good luck Marie for anything u will decide =) we are here for support u
 

Sora

Well-known member
Sorry to hear it went so bad last Christmas...you know reading this made me realise this is my entire life for every situation when family comes over. Though I am generally a loner and just want to be left to my own things so half of this is my fault. Most of my family just don't interest me as sad as that is to say. I can't stand the same questions every time they see me lol "How are you? Are you still doing your thingy, what's it called...your business...making money still? Hows it going, good?!" Tons of questions in one and always the same every time I see them lol. I know I know it's polite but it's just like ugh! Feels like your only talking to me because you feel you have to when really you can't be be bothered as much as I can't because we have so little in common. Maybe this is just me? I donno but I see it all the time, my older brother kinda said the same to me before at a recent party he said "Aah! I can't wait to go home, I'd rather be at home doing nothing than this!" and I was like "I know!!" We where both just sat in the pub looking around wondering when it would be an acceptable time to make a leave, we had to stay for a little while at least lol. Thing is I don't think it is bad to be this way, I can't vouch for him but personally I just don't feel comfortable at big social gatherings like that and I have no interest.

I think due to how important this will be for you though, I think you should give it another try. When it comes to relationships and their family you have to forget exactly what you want to do and make an exception to your rules. You have to do things for them even if it makes you uncomfortable. You need to step out of your comfort zone in order to let the relationship continue to grow. I remember having to go to an ex'es BBQ before with her family. I was dreading it, mostly because I felt trapped the way it got sprung upon me. One morning I woke up (already at hers) and she was like "my family is coming over for a BBQ, will you stay?" Grr lol, the look she gave me indicated I didn't have much choice. I felt weird about it but I did it anyways (mostly weird because I hate eating in front of people). Plus I never know what to say in situations like this. I just sat there mostly eating a few burgers while feeling very uncomfortable, it wasn't so bad though and in the end I felt better for doing it for her. After the BBQ her family pretty much sun bathed or read the paper so I played on a nintendo DS...still felt uncomfortable but eventually we went back inside the house and then it was just me and my ex. I think she thanked me for doing it too so I think if you try again your partner will really appreciate it. Also if you keep doing this again and again then you will get used to it and eventually they will likely start talking and including you more. At least this is what I have found in most cases.

Sorry for the long reply, couldn't find a way to make it shorter lol
P.S Being some good points made above, let your partner know you feel nervous and stuff, I am sure he will understand and hopefully try to make it as comfortable as possible.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
Sweet Marie, I'm sorry to hear it went so awfully last Christmas.

I really have no advice, sorry. I'm terrible. All I can say is talk to your fiancee about your concerns and hopefully you'll find some middle ground.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and keep us informed of the situation.

(As a side-note, I can understand why you were upset. Not being included and having to deal with roudy people is not my cup of tea, either.)
 

Moa

Well-known member
Family Christmasses as an adult tend to be more stressful than fun. Always expect stress- trials and tribulations and such...

So very true. I had a similar Christmas to yours last year, Marie, and I have to say I am so sorry you had to deal with it, because it's awful. My boyfriend was pretty unhappy with me too. It's weird because he has SA too, but our SAs are totally different.

The plan for this year is to keep everything small. Instead of joining up with a mass crowd at one house, we are going to try and visit everyone individually, or invite just a couple people at a time to our place. If anyone questions our plans, we are just going to say we'd like to be able to spend some quality time with them (even if that is a total lie, lol). Hopefully several small groups will be less stressful than the huge group, even though I know each visit is going to cause me some anxiety.
 

LazyHermitCrab

Well-known member
Well first off it sounds like your in a great relationship now, so that's good. If it were me i would just have a drink or two just to relax. Can you drink? I don't mean a lot just to be able to stay in the same room as them until you can get at least bearable used to them. If you want to come earlier or later that's fine too, in fact you might bond better with less people. Everyone is supposed to be nice on christmas so that works too xD? Hope it goes well....!
 
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Silatuyok

Well-known member
Wow! It was great to come home from work today and see so many positive responses. Thank you, you guys are so awesome.
I am feeling a little better today about the prospect of going back there. As a couple we are usually very good about finding a middle ground, so I think that going to visit the week before could be a really good compromise for us. But I am definitely going to let him know about the intense anxiety that I tend to feel in those situations. It's hard to be able to function and interact with anyone when you are on the verge of tears at any given moment.
 

Hoppy

Well-known member
A bit of advice from me, from personal experience.

My problem is that I can only cope with people up to a point. Make sure you get time alone, and schedule that time. Organise with your boyfriend (and if you can get the family to join in even better), so much time among people, and so much time alone. That way you know before things start you only have to cope for that long and then you can withdraw without feeling guilty.

Of course social people doesn't understand that need, but it is not your problem to adjust to lesser beings.
 

Silatuyok

Well-known member
since it's Christmas

just make sure that's there is plenty

of brandy in your eggnog

Haha, Thanks for the tip. Unfortunately, alcohol makes me more sullen and withdrawn than usual. But at least then I don't care about being sullen and withdrawn. ;)
 
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