Can You Handle Kindness?

[Sinar_Matahari]

Whenever a person says or does something kind for me (when it comes fromt he heart), I have to fight from tearing up. I've come to the conclusion that I simply cannot handle kindness. Not like a normal person. This is not to say that I do not appreiciate when people are kind to me. I appreciate it more than I am able to express. I just don't understand the reason for my reaction.

Why is it that I can handle harshness more than I can handle kindness? Can anyone else relate to this?

 

[hoddesdon]

In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy they talk about the "core belief". Whatever it may be specifically, at its heart is the feeling that there is something wrong with them. There are many threads on this website expressing that belief. That is why accepting compliments is difficult - there was a thread about this relatively recently. Compliments or presents contradict the core belief, which creates conflict\confusion within the person.

Perhaps receiving something appears in a magnified light because the core belief makes the person think that can\will\should not happen. Light appears brighter if it suddenly pierces the darkness. So the amount of emotion is correspondingly greater.

Someone about a year wrote that she told her parents not to give her any presents for Christmas, which is a similar phenomenon.

 

[coyote]

I'm the same way - whenever anyone does something nice that I didn't expect - I get all choked up and have to hide so they won't see me cry.

Maybe it has to do with what we think we deserve - or what we think we don't deserve

 

[Remus]

In RL I often am the one doing the kindness, when someone is kind to me, I wonder what they are after.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Kindness, wonder what is the catch?
If nothing, obligation to return is felt?
When told nothing in return required.... Move on?

 

[Phoenixx]

I used to wonder what the catch was too whenever someone was kind to me. Now I don't even second guess it. I take it as it comes and I offer kindness in return It also gives me hope that there are nice folks out there willing to lend a hand.

 

[lunarla]

I've had times that whenever a certain someone would say something really nice to me, it'd give me this really intense, weird feeling. Like twisty in my stomach, because I could recognize it as being so nice, yet I didn't feel I deserved it or something, yet wantedddddddd so much to believe/feel it or something of that nature. Though I think I'm making progress on the feeling-deserving thing. But in those times, it's really as if I almost wished that something awful would be said to me because that would have been easier to handle. It would have just made more sense and "clicked" in my mind.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Tearing up from such an encounter is a perfectly natural thing. The heart is our emotional centre, and genuine acts of kindness go straight to our hearts because that is also our love centre. When we get something that touches us, it is hard not to get a bit emotional about it, and some of that is expressed through tears. On TV I've seen plenty of blokes who look tough on the outside, but when someone does something kind for them, the start to tear up and in some cases actually sob.

Just embrace the feeling and realise that if someone takes time to do something good for you, then they are doing it because they think you deserve it, and everyone deserves a little bit of kindness every once in a while.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I want to be able to admit when I deserve something or when I've earned it, but if I get something like a gift from a friend, I don't want to think that I was deserving of that gift because I'm a good friend. I don't want payment for my friendship. As far as kindness is concerned, I'm not sure whether deep down I believe that I don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve to be treated unfairly or with cruelty, but I don't believe that people owe me kindness. I am no less grateful when I receive it. I never want to feel like I am owed anything.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

So you say that you might receive a gift from someone and think that you have done nothing to deserve that gift and therefore they shouldn't give it to you? Perhaps being friends with the other person is a gift in itself, not just for you, but also for them. Perhaps they are showing that they appreciate your friendship, and they do this by buying you a gift. No-one hands gift out willy-nilly, unless they have more money than sense, so of course you deserve it. You may not feel like you have done much in return, other than to be their friend, but sometimes just being there for them is enough.

 

[jaim38]

I think there are different types of kindness, and I'm only good at certain types. For example, I can hold the door for people, help people online, clap for people, etc - all of this is nonverbal kindness. However, it's very hard for me to praise people, do small talk with them, smile at them - these are verbal kindness. So, people think just because I don't talk, I must be unkind, stupid, maybe even mean. It is just in my nature to be mute, nothing personal. In fact, I prefer doing things for people, rather than speaking with them.

 

[Kiwong]

I find kindness hard to reciprocate with, I appreciate it, of course I do, but I don't think I deserve it, and I worry that my anxiety will annoy the people who are kind and I will push them away or anger them.

That is the worse thing about my anxiety, is pissing off even the people who are kind.