Attracting More of What you Fear the Most (Negative Retail Experiences)

[lonerism]

Hi - as a social-anxiety sufferer - do you find that you only attract more of the type of negative responses that you fear the most? I think it's most unfortunate that - due to our vulnerable, tormented condition - we seemingly have to endure MORE negativity and disrespect from the world than our more fortunate, more outgoing counterparts. These experiences reinforce our anxiety and can make it inordinately difficult to claw our way out of the abyss of interpersonal torment.

I've often felt that - because of my condition (severe social anxiety, depression, stress disorder, Avoidant/Schizotypal personality disorder) - I've had to endure much more scrutiny than the average person in various situations. Perhaps because my body language may not be quite like that of the standard non-depressed, anxiety-free (relatively-speaking), socially at-ease person - my intentions have been misconstrued in various inaccurate ways. I seem to be under increased suspicion in different situations.

For example, I am beyond tired of the extra scrutiny I seem to receive in stores. People always seem to think that I'm there to shoplift - and I'm treated accordingly. I literally cannot shop without noticing at least one instance in which some employee is targeting me in some manner. Various techniques are used on me to "prevent me from stealing"; you name it, I've likely been subjected to it. Employees seem to go the extra mile with me - from forcing me to interact with them more by asking me questions or engaging me in extra "conversation" (just what a s.a.d. sufferer needs, right?), to staring at me, to "checking inventory" near me, etc.. I've seen it all.

It's particularly insulting and hard to accept - because I've done nothing to actually deserve this type of treatment. I've always been an honest shopper - I've never entertained notions of stealing. But, I feel that I am a victim of people's unforgiving overgeneralizations of people who may appear more self-conscious or ill at-ease than average. And, that might not be the entire story (I'd like to think that my personal struggles aren't always that visible - but maybe they are); perhaps it's sometimes a combination of appearance, body-language, and financial-status. I suspect that some of these grocery stores keep track of EBT (food-stamp) recipients - which would be another type of horrid prejudice (not all EBT recipients are dishonest). (My anxiety and depression are severe enough that I am on SSI disability for them - which makes me eligible for the additional financial assistance.)

Have you had such experiences in stores or in other situations - where your social anxiety was misconstrued as some sort of "shiftiness"? Have you noticed "strange" occurrences in stores that gave you the feeling that you were being watched or under more scrutiny than average?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Well, one thing is for sure. Generally speaking, we tend to be more paranoid. I'm sure most of the employees were just trying to be helpful. Maybe you looked disorientated or lost (as in can't find what you're looking for). I wouldn't be so quick to say that they're being prejudiced.

But I do understand what you're saying. I have trouble giving eye contact and that makes me look untrustworthy, incompetent or uninterested.

I do think we attract more of what we fear. We all fear attention. That makes us behave oddly in public, which creates more attention. Vicious cycle.

 

[Kiwong]

Yes, I attract what I fear. I've been screamed at, called names, misrepresented, viewed with suspicion. People whisper and gossip about me like I am not ever present and have no intelligence.

I have had a bad experiences in one motel in particular. I had stayed there on several occasions while visiting my family. I arrived after a six hour flight, and the staff on the front counter asked for a deposit. The transaction wouldn't go through, so I was forced to leave the motel, after midnight, and go to an auto teller in the city to get cash. It turned out that the computer connection to the motel was down.

I went back to the same motel later in the year. I had made a booking online, but couldn't find my printout I had made of the reservation, again after a 6 hour flight. I had to make a new booking, she wouldn't believe I had an existing booking. I could see the distrust and suspicion in her eyes. The next day this "lady" asked me if I had found the confirmation, she still wouldn't believe me.

When I returned back home, I emailed my confirmation letter to the hotel's manager, suggesting that the staff on the front counter didn't think I looked very trustworthy.
I went back there again, and the manager saw me and said "Thanks for coming back." The staff member was no longer at the hotel. I wonder if she had been sacked?

 

[lonerism]

Well, one thing is for sure. Generally speaking, we tend to be more paranoid. I'm sure most of the employees were just trying to be helpful. Maybe you looked disorientated or lost (as in can't find what you're looking for). I wouldn't be so quick to say that they're being prejudiced.

But I do understand what you're saying. I have trouble giving eye contact and that makes me look untrustworthy, incompetent or uninterested.

I do think we attract more of what we fear. We all fear attention. That makes us behave oddly in public, which creates more attention. Vicious cycle.

Do you work retail or have you worked retail? Are you or were you somehow affiliated with the retail industry? I have found that many such people tend to be quick to dismiss shoppers' observations of being targeted as "paranoia". I guess it is to their benefit that shoppers not be aware of the ugliness that can go on "just under the radar" (or not so much) in these stores.

On the whole, my experiences are most certainly not paranoia. Even if I misinterpret a certain experience from time to time - I'm correct at least 9 out of 10 times. Many employees know exactly what is happening - they just don't want to acknowledge it.

Over the years, there has been just too much of a consistent pattern of certain things happening. (And it's only gotten worse and increased in frequency as the years have passed.) I don't know if employees think that I am too clueless to detect what is happening, or what - but much of what they are doing is definitely detectable.

And no, it's often not because I look "lost". It's happened even when I've visited a particular store a thousand times, and come in there pretty much knowing exactly what I'm going to get. I've gone to one store in particular always to buy the exact same few items every time (there was definitely a very consistent pattern to my shopping there) - and I was still consistently targeted.

People have even gone as far as to follow me out of the store and copy down my license plate number - and/or to get a description of my car. It's as though I've been put on a "list" of people to watch more carefully - because the same things keep happening to me every time I visit certain stores. I can never prove to them that I'm innocent - though there should be clear signs by now that I am.

I try to do what is within my power to not seem suspicious: I keep my purse zipped, I try not to look at other people or at employees (though it can be hard when I feel as though they are watching me), I keep a distance between me and store shelves, etc.. Yet, these efforts are hardly ever enough.

 

[lonerism]

Yes, I attract what I fear. I've been screamed at, called names, misrepresented, viewed with suspicion. People whisper and gossip about me like I am not ever present and have no intelligence.

I have had a bad experiences in one motel in particular. I had stayed there on several occasions while visiting my family. I arrived after a six hour flight, and the staff on the front counter asked for a deposit. The transaction wouldn't go through, so I was forced to leave the motel, after midnight, and go to an auto teller in the city to get cash. It turned out that the computer connection to the motel was down.

I went back to the same motel later in the year. I had made a booking online, but couldn't find my printout I had made of the reservation, again after a 6 hour flight. I had to make a new booking, she wouldn't believe I had an existing booking. I could see the distrust and suspicion in her eyes. The next day this "lady" asked me if I had found the confirmation, she still wouldn't believe me.

When I returned back home, I emailed my confirmation letter to the hotel's manager, suggesting that the staff on the front counter didn't think I looked very trustworthy.
I went back there again, and the manager saw me and said "Thanks for coming back." The staff member was no longer at the hotel. I wonder if she had been sacked?

I can certainly empathize. Thanks for sharing.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

No, I'm not affiliated with the retail industry in any way. I'm sorry you have to go through all of that. I've been fortunate, I guess.

 

[coyote]

i manage a clothing store

we don't target or profile anyone

although we carry more expensive merchandise generally catering to shoppers with higher incomes, we are located in a touristy resort town, so we get people of all shapes, sizes, colors, and levels of wealth

i and my staff make our living by providing exceptional customer service - the clothes pretty much sell themselves, so our job is to provide a pleasant and memorable shopping experience for the customers

in order to do that, we have to pay attention to the customers - we need to be observant and see where they are, what they're looking for, what they seem interested in, what they don't seem interested in, and especially whether it looks like they might need any help with anything

this not only helps us to help the customer, but it also lets us know how our product merchandising is working - whether we need to move items to different locations to get more attention, or which items are simply "dogs" and might need to get marked down, etc.

we can't do all this by standing behind the counter ignoring people

and, yeah, people steal stuff - we had 10 pair of UGG boots stolen in one month. so we do look out for shoplifters, and we also know that by being on the floor among the customers - providing them with assistance - is also the best way to prevent people from stealing, because they can't take things if you're standing right there talking to them.

unfortunately, we simply aren't able to be everywhere at once - especially when it gets really busy. so we might pay more attention to the people looking at the items we've had a history of people taking, or are really expensive (and potentially attractive to thieves). for instance, if you were looking at UGGs or the $600 leather jacket, you might get more attention than someone looking at the $10 t-shirt. i'm sure you would do the same thing if it was your store.

i can't speak for every other retailer out there, but i can tell you that most of us are more concerned with selling things than keeping people from stealing them.

stores are not museums, we only survive by selling the merchandise. so we do anything we can to help that process along - the most important of which is to interact with our customers

 

[jaim38]

I'm sorry you had such horrible experiences. Just out of curiosity, do you have dyed pink/purple hair, nose rings, tattoos, wear all black/goth, or anything that makes you stand out? It's been my experience that people pay more attention to such things, and perhaps make judgments. Tattoos can be interpreted as gang affiliated, for instance.

But yeah, I get what you mean. I also attract unwanted attention from people, without wanting to. In fact, I don't even have to lift a finger or say anything to offend anybody. Bullies naturally gravitate to me. As ironic as it sounds, silence attracts attention. Extroverted people, which is the majority of people in society, think it's weird for someone to be quiet and not talkative. I've had people look at me like I'm a freak show. Welcome to my world!

 

[Kiwong]

I use the auto check out in a supermarket. I had placed several items on the scale. One of the staff pushed an item to the centre of the scale. I suppose insinuating that I had placed it off the scale perhaps to not have to pay as much.

I use the auto check out a lot, because I don't have to be served by staff. I often get my breakfast and lunch on the same day. A member of staff said "He's been in three times today." As if there was something wrong with that.

 

[greggy]

Good post, I seem to make security staff dislike me just for being alive and in they're store, one who stears at me every time I come in to the store, ive never spoken to him because my veiw is if he dislikes me why should I make an effort, and the last time I was in I was at the counter right next to him, I just minded my own business, and as I left I heard him say there's always one, lol! Its so amazing how people can judge a person just by there looks! I know im not good looking but why do people make me suffer for it!

 

[greggy]

I use the auto check out in a supermarket. I had placed several items on the scale. One of the staff pushed an item to the centre of the scale. I suppose insinuating that I had placed it off the scale perhaps to not have to pay as much.

I use the auto check out a lot, because I don't have to be served by staff. I often get my breakfast and lunch on the same day. A member of staff said "He's been in three times today." As if there was something wrong with that.

God what a d-head for saying that! What business is it of his how many times some one visits the store, I thought that a well visited store is a good store more income, so what a pointless employee ! Im trying to not hate people but when I hear stupidity like some of these people I really do.

 

[Kiwong]

I eat a lot of chicken and fish. The check out operator said "Here comes chicken man."

I went to a Service station to buy newspapers and chips. The guy said "There's nothing weird about that." Apparently some other staff must've said I was weird.

One cashier imitated my large eyes that I get when I am anxious, I gave him a piece of my mind. I can stand up for myself, and I can get very angry.

 

[Kiwong]

God what a d-head for saying that! What business is it of his how many times some one visits the store, I thought that a well visited store is a good store more income, so what a pointless employee ! Im trying to not hate people but when I hear stupidity like some of these people I really do.

Yeah Greggy, they must think I am deaf and stupid. There is something that the staff who criticise me seem not to understand, and that is I can hear what they say, and I am intelligent. I will often react by taking my business elsewhere.

 

[greggy]

I eat a lot of chicken and fish. The check out operator said "Here comes chicken man."

I went to a Service station to buy newspapers and chips. The guy said "There's nothing weird about that." Apparently some other staff must've said I was weird.

One cashier imitated my large eyes that I get when I am anxious, I gave him a piece of my mind. I can stand up for myself, and I can get very angry.

God! That sounds like a store full of discusting people! Find another store my frisnd, do not suffer the stupid ones just to prove to your self something!

 

[Silatuyok]

I'm not in your exact situation so I can't say for certain of course, but from my point of view this sounds more like negativity bias combined with self-fulfilling prophecy. I certainly don't think there is any conspiracy among retail workers to keep their devious profiling practices under wraps. If you expect people to treat you like a petty thief, they probably will pick up on that and become suspicious. You could try smiling and interacting and see if that helps improve the way you think you are being treated.

 

[Bronson99]

Dear coyote,

How do you manage to provide such good customer service and deal with people all day long when you've (I assume?) got social anxiety?

I've worked retail before, by the way, I got through it but nonetheless it was still quite stressful for me in ways that most other employees did not understand.

I've read a lot of your posts now and it seems like you have a wealth of life experience and appear to be quite socially skilled...

Perhaps you don't have the organic kind of SA that many if not most of us have, it was thrust upon you by external events a bit like PTSD can happen to anyone... but that's just my guess.

 

[coyote]

I've worked retail before, by the way, I got through it but nonetheless it was still quite stressful for me in ways that most other employees did not understand.

this, exactly

where did you get the idea that anything i've done has been easy?

like most people, my life has been a constant struggle

but i work really hard not to let it show

it's very exhausting

 

[Bronson99]

this, exactly

where did you get the idea that anything i've done has been easy?

like most people, my life has been a constant struggle

but i work really hard not to let it show

it's very exhausting

thanks for replying.

I wouldn't say I think you have it easier than anyone, per se.. I just have a tendency to make some broad sweeping impressions about people and how they operate.. sometimes.

I believe you can break social anxiety into two groups, one avenue for SA is due to poor social skills, which I think is more "innate" than environment-based (but that is my *own* opinion, and of course the environment affects how we develop socially, too).. the other avenue is largely due not to inherent social difficulty, but from external events, one example would be growing up in a hostile environment, for example.

I would think that a socially capable person with SA is going to have an advantage in terms of pursuing their life goals, over the person with SA who feels like they're on the "wrong planet," but again that is my own impression and I know in reality, it is not nearly so black and white. But I don't convey things well in the "grey" or abstract area, so don't be offended, it's just my natural expression.

 

[MikeyC]

this, exactly

where did you get the idea that anything i've done has been easy?

like most people, my life has been a constant struggle

but i work really hard not to let it show

it's very exhausting

You're freaking awesome, man. I hope to be like you very soon. :thumbup:

 

[lonerism]

I'm sorry you had such horrible experiences. Just out of curiosity, do you have dyed pink/purple hair, nose rings, tattoos, wear all black/goth, or anything that makes you stand out? It's been my experience that people pay more attention to such things, and perhaps make judgments. Tattoos can be interpreted as gang affiliated, for instance.

But yeah, I get what you mean. I also attract unwanted attention from people, without wanting to. In fact, I don't even have to lift a finger or say anything to offend anybody. Bullies naturally gravitate to me. As ironic as it sounds, silence attracts attention. Extroverted people, which is the majority of people in society, think it's weird for someone to be quiet and not talkative. I've had people look at me like I'm a freak show. Welcome to my world!

Hi - no, I do not have tattoos, dyed-hair, unconventional piercings, a goth style - or anything like that. One of the only things, perhaps - that may make me stand-out appearance-wise is that I wear my hair in its naturally-curly state - it is extremely curly/frizzy. Perhaps some people consider that a crime in itself, lol - that I don't adhere to the straight, silky hair aesthetic. Perhaps many people consider it "ungroomed", and/or "wild". The "difficult" texture of my hair, combined with my depression/stress-disorder - perhaps means that my hair doesn't have what is considered a neat, polished appearance.

I think the years of depression have taken a toll on my personal appearance. I know my mom has wished that I would "fix up" more and show better pride in my appearance; she's often been unhappy with the appearance of my hair, and the condition/type of clothes I wear. I know that I'm not as fashionable (nowhere near it) or as neat-looking as I used to be....but I don't think I necessarily look horribly, repulsively bad when I go out. It's a matter of personal-taste and what your personal standards are, I guess - I'm not convinced that employees generally judge my appearance as harshly as my mom does. It's a complex issue with no definite answer, IMO. How my appearance is judged can vary depending on the employee, the store, the area of town I'm in, etc..

For example - are you expected to look a certain way when you shop at the nearby Walmart? It seems that I see people at Walmart, grocery stores, and even at relatively-upscale malls - who don't look much (if any) better than I do. Yet - I seem to be relatively singled-out (given more attention than other customers) even at the local Walmart.