Attracting More of What you Fear the Most (Negative Retail Experiences)

Once I went into a bookshop, I was in a daydream, and left the shop with a book accidently still in my hand, I went back into the shop and put it back on the shelf, without being jumped on by security.

I like it when I go into a supermarket and they check my bag, and I have my lunch with me. A big serve of Sushi or Thai. "What are they paying you?" a check out operator once asked.

Ugh... tell me about it. My early 20's went by all too quickly.

But at least I learned how to focus on a singular task, and tune out everything around me. That's a skill that comes in very handy, especially with SP...

*shakes a fist at the invisible demons*

That's also why I only shop at 7am for 10 or less specific items. I can't browse. Wouldn't even dream of it...

lonerism said: ↑

As for your advice to "smile and interact" - are you forgetting where you are?? You seem to forget that - for so many people here - "interacting" is akin to asking a 300 lb. woman to squeeze into size 0 jeans.

I understand what you are saying, but is there any harm in suggesting that she eat a carrot stick instead of the cheeseburger in her hand? :idontknow:

DepravedFurball said: ↑

(silently)Oh... and don't use the self check-out areas. Only thieves and old people use those. 😉

i use the self-checkout because i can usually ring faster than the people who work there

lonerism said: ↑

Wow - I'm with Bronson - it's pretty impressive that you're able to function in a job in which you're dealing with the public for many hours per week - with the added demand of displaying "exceptional customer service". To top things off - you preside over a staff in the process. That seems to require an ample amount of interpersonal stamina and skill - whew! However you manage this, I'm rather blown-away by your abilities.

it has taken a lot of practice, but it has paid off in that is has helped me gain a lot more confidence with social interaction outside of work - i highly recommend working retail if you want to practice your social skills

customers are pretty easy, because the relationship is brief and pretty structured as to how it will play out. the worst part is dealing with my boss and employees, but i'm getting much better at that. and, as you said, it takes a lot of energy to be "on" all the time.

I think the industry needs to figure out ways to accomplish their Loss Prevention goals without making innocent shoppers feel unfairly singled-out. Treat everyone the same. It's dangerous to try to judge someone's appearance or body-language without at least knowing their individual personality, their idiosyncracies and what they may be going through in life. And even then, there is room for error.

Besides lingering in certain areas of the store where there are highly-priced items - are there any other things you look for when spotting potential thieves? Do you zero in on people who look nervous or ill at-ease - and seem uncomfortable while interacting with employees? Have you seen shoplifters in the act?

employees who profile potential thieves by appearance, dress, race, age, etc. are just being lazy. they probably don't pay enough attention to their customers in general. professional thieves aren't going to come into a store dressed suspiciously - that would be counterproductive for them.

it takes a little observation, but generally, thieves behave a bit differently than shoppers. it's all in the eyes. shoppers are blissfully unaware of their surroundings - they are focussed on looking at the merchandise. thieves are hyper-vigilant - they are constantly looking around to see where everyone else is and what they are doing. they might be really subtle, so you have to watch the eyes. if someone is spending more time looking at me than they are at the clothes, i know something is up.

the only other people who are constantly scanning their surroundings like criminals are cops (for obvious reasons) - and people with anxiety

from your posts, it sounds like you spend a lot of time looking around the store noticing the security, the cameras, and the employees who are watching you - that act in itself is probably making you look suspicious. it's probably pretty common, though, for people with anxiety. maybe try not to be so hyper-aware of everything around you and just focus on shopping. it might help :idontknow:

an interesting fact about retail theft, by the way - in the U.S., dishonest employees steal about 6 times more than shoplifters do

a lot of those cameras are not aimed at the customers :thumbup:

Very true. Employees are the ones with idle hands, after all, and grudges against the boss. ^^

DepravedFurball said: ↑

Lonerism, as one who works in security and went to college for Policing, I know a fair amount about profiling and loss prevention.

Unfortunately, the first thing that they teach you is 'trust your gut'.

If one of the undercover loss-prevention people spot someone looking nervous or anxious, they hone in on them like a moth to a flame.

Very often I look anxious, I don't typically smile or interact when I'm shopping, and yet, I've not often run into any problems. There were a few incidents in the past that resemble what the OP is saying, but very few relatively, and IMHO something else besides anxiety is causing "lonerism" to be singled out. I'm sure it's a part of it, but there must be something else.

I haven't had problems with retail, I have had more problems in supermarkets. For camera gear, books and running shoes I increasingly shop online. I prefer to shop that way and I am more likely to get what I am after, more quickly at a lower price.

I probably look angry when I'm out shopping. That's kinda my default mode. Of course, when I'm forced to interact with the staff, then I fall into my learned customer-service faked-happiness guise. I guess those combinations have worked so far.

Even if I was being followed around, I don't care, since I'm soon enough out of those God-forsaken places. But if I was stopped in the middle of the aisle and questioned, I'd probably just treat the rep to a look of pure disgust, drop everything I was carrying unceremoniously onto the floor, and stalk straight out of the business with the mindset of never returning.

DepravedFurball said: ↑

Lonerism, as one who works in security and went to college for Policing, I know a fair amount about profiling and loss prevention.

Unfortunately, the first thing that they teach you is 'trust your gut'.

If one of the undercover loss-prevention people spot someone looking nervous or anxious, they hone in on them like a moth to a flame.

It's just that simple. You feel anxious, thus you look anxious. You're probably not a professional actor, so I'll bet that your palms get damp, you swallow too often and too loudly, you're always breathing heavily, looking around for threats...

Unfortunately, 99% of 'normal' society won't know how to interpret those signs as symptoms of what we face.

As for how you should present yourself... dress as if you're going to a job in a casual office setting. No tie or ultra-polished shoes... but put on something one notch above the typical style worn by customers in the shop you visit. Or four notches above in the case of WalMart.

Second, drown out your surroundings. Bring an MP3-player loaded with soothing melodies. Try to focus on the tunes as you're cruising the aisles. And just look at the goods, not your surroundings. The more you look around, the more people are going to SEE you looking around, and that'll raise a flag.

Third, if the above two things still don't work, and you find yourself being followed around again, or out of the store, then CONTACT THEIR SUPERIORS (via e-mail of course). Tell them about the repeated harassment that you're facing, and that, as a LOYAL CONSUMER TO THEIR STORE, you would appreciate if their staff didn't blatantly infringe on your human rights by constantly (silently) accusing you of theft. Also, threaten them by saying that, if that pattern of treatment continues, then you're going to go to the media and pursue legal action.


Really, you might not think that last course of action would do any good... and you'd be incorrect. Store policies change all the time, and for establishments that supposedly take pride in their customer service, doubly-so.


Oh... and don't use the self check-out areas. Only thieves and old people use those. 😉

First of all - thanks for the "insider" perspective. In some ways, I was somewhat hoping to hear from "the other side": i.e. employees and security - at least if the feedback was gentle and constructive (from what I've seen and experienced - security/LP sometimes come across as callous and as possessing a bit of a bully-mentality).

As far as what signs of anxiety I might display - well, I'd like to think that I often do a decent job of concealing much of it. "Sweaty palms" are not a problem for me - and during most of the moments in which I'm profiled, I don't think I'm exactly this shaking, quivering mess. And I think I learned a long time ago to avoid looking at employees or other customers; generally-speaking, I don't directly look at employees. I have a habit of "taking note" of them using my peripheral vision - if I fear/anticipate them targeting me....but I'd like to think that my perhipheral vision or "corner of the eye" glances aren't obvious or visible. If they do pick up on my covert observations - then chances are that they already were observing me closely.

Believe me - I've paid dearly for many of the times when I was caught looking at an employee - although these glances had nothing to do with trying to shoplift. On a few of these occassions - I simply wanted to see if employees were treating other customers like they were treating me....I was looking for evidence that employee suspicion wasn't limited to me. Well - these efforts backfired; my observant behavior was quickly noticed, and I was apparently assumed to be a thief who was "casing the store".

And recently, I just happened to make incidental eye-contact with a grocery-store employee (because these things just sometimes innocently happen) - and he stared at me as though I were a dirty thief. It seemed that he already had it in his mind that I was suspicious; therefore, what was supposed to be a quick glance that he shouldn't have noticed was prolonged into a little bit of a "staredown". Just a few seconds later, I noticed an obvious LP agent hovering around me; amazing how that LP agent just materialized out of nowhere.

There is obviously some "system" that is used in which employees communicate to each other about what "thief" to watch. (Look for employees who are wearing earpieces - that can be a clear sign that such a communication system is in place.) The employee who misinterpreted my glance "sicc'ed" the LP agent on me, seemingly.

Okay - I'm going to try to wrap this post up because it's already getting too long (I'm afraid that I'm just not a very concise or efficient person - sorry, everyone!)...but "dressing up" to go to Walmart or to the grocery store is apparently too difficult to manage for me....otherwise I would have made it a habit by now. The flexible "warmup pants", t-shirt/sweatshirt routine is more comfortable for me than putting on "stiffer" clothes. Besides - I am sometimes dressed a little more nicely - and it often doesn't make much of a difference. Sometimes, there might be a slight difference - where instances of employee suspicion may be decreased, but it never seems to completely go away. Other times, there is NO appreciable difference - whether I'm dressed "down", or dressed more nicely. In places where my "dishonorable reputation" seems to be firmly-established and I seem to be on a "list" of people to watch...how I'm dressed wouldn't matter, anyway.

Besides - aren't employees supposed to be focusing on specific behaviors - as opposed to how someone looks or how they're dressed?

There is something else in your post that I want to address more privately - you may get a PM from me in the near future, if that's o.k..

coyote said: ↑

employees who profile potential thieves by appearance, dress, race, age, etc. are just being lazy. they probably don't pay enough attention to their customers in general. professional thieves aren't going to come into a store dressed suspiciously - that would be counterproductive for them.

it takes a little observation, but generally, thieves behave a bit differently than shoppers. it's all in the eyes. shoppers are blissfully unaware of their surroundings - they are focussed on looking at the merchandise. thieves are hyper-vigilant - they are constantly looking around to see where everyone else is and what they are doing. they might be really subtle, so you have to watch the eyes. if someone is spending more time looking at me than they are at the clothes, i know something is up.

the only other people who are constantly scanning their surroundings like criminals are cops (for obvious reasons) - and people with anxiety

from your posts, it sounds like you spend a lot of time looking around the store noticing the security, the cameras, and the employees who are watching you - that act in itself is probably making you look suspicious. it's probably pretty common, though, for people with anxiety. maybe try not to be so hyper-aware of everything around you and just focus on shopping. it might help :idontknow:

Actually - I don't look around much at all; I may not even look around as much as the average shopper. Part of the reason why I generally don't look directly at anyone is conditioning/fear-based; I learned long ago that looking at others or looking at the surroundings quickly makes you even more suspicious. I don't want to attract more suspicion - so I'm very much "in my own world" when I shop and I walk into stores focused on the task at hand (I want to get out of there as quickly as possible!).

Trust me -the only place where I really focus my eyes is on the shelves or toward the merchandise. If I am walking to or from an area - my head and gaze are fixed straight ahead (or I might turn my head toward an aisle to see if that aisle contains a product that I want to purchase - as in, "Is the peanut-butter located in this aisle?").

You don't have to be looking directly at a person, or looking around, to notice when someone enters your aisle - or if someone's "energy" is focused primarily on you. I could have my head and eyes fixed on a product - yet, out of my peripheral vision - notice a uniformed person enter the aisle, or position themselves somewhere in my panoramic field of vision. I might do a quick, inconspicuous glance from time to time when I think it is relatively "safe" to do so - to confirm things. The manner in which I perceive being targeted shouldn't be that noticeable - unless someone is already "tuned in" to me and is already effectively observing me (and closely observing me at that).

And, if one feels that they are being watched - what is the natural reaction? A customer could be a billionaire and the most innocent customer on the planet - if that customer feels that someone is observing them, or if they feel a vague strange vibe from an employee - they are likely going to look at the person who they feel is watching them. Let's face it - many of these employees and Loss Prevention agents aren't all that skilled about what they are doing; the overall behavior of these employees can be rather conspicuous in certain ways.

So, no - I'm not that customer who is looking around all over the place, and paying more attention to other people than I do to my shopping. Unless you are already locked onto me - chances are, you won't see me looking at another person. And if you are locked onto me - then it is likely for some reason other than your noticing me looking around.

Nevertheless, I am concerned about employees studying my eyes and determining that there is something "suspicious" about them. Because of my severe social-anxiety and generalized anxiety - I may appear "dazed" sometimes....from being overwhelmed by the environment (especially if the store is crowded), and from being so anxious about inevitably being targeted. It is often NOT easy for me to simply be in public - and facing all of this extra scrutiny only makes my anxiety worse. I imagine that my internal struggles are somehow reflected in my eyes. And when employees force interaction with me - my eyes may especially reflect some level of discomfort.

DepravedFurball said: ↑

From a loss-prevention stand-point, however, only those customers hoping to conceal some purchases would use the self-checkout.

The assumption that only thieves use the self-checkout is an overly harsh one, to say the least. For one - the self-checkout often presents the quickest way of getting out of the store. Getting out of the store as quickly as possible - and minimizing wait times - is a strong priority for not only myself, but for most customers, I would assume.

Tell me - if you only had 2 or 3 items - and you had the choice between walking up to an unoccupied self-checkout machine, and standing in line behind a couple of people (even if it's the "Express" check-out line) - which would you choose, in a fair situation?

Are you telling me that an honest customer would rather wait in slower-moving lines - than use the option that promises to get them out of the store more quickly?

Even if I have a cart full of items - I am going to naturally choose the self-checkout if it means that I can start scanning my items immediately, versus waiting 3 (or more) minutes as a cashier in a conventional line finishes ringing up customers ahead of me. I am always trying to figure out which line will move the quickest and will get me on my way the fastest; and often, that seems to be the self-checkout line.

And I would think that store management would want customers to take advantage of the self-checkout stations - since it gets people out of the store more quickly...therefore better alleviating crowding or "bottlenecks"....and improving the flow of traffic.

Besides - you may understand why a socially-anxious person may become more comfortable with a self-checkout machine. However - if I see a conventional line that clearly looks like it will get me out of there faster, I will get in that line and allow myself to be rung up the old-fashioned way.

And it has been my experience that using the "old-fashioned" checkout lines doesn't exempt me from suspicion. Employees have often still given me the "once over" even in these situations - doing certain things that they are trained to do in order to deter theft or to test the honesty of customers (i.e. stares, asking certain "rote" questions, other forms of extra attention).

But wow - if they feel that the self-checkout areas are such havens for thieves - why even have them? Do they simply serve as "traps" to identify thieves? Have I been "tricked" into stigmatizing myself by using these machines?

coyote said: ↑

an interesting fact about retail theft, by the way - in the U.S., dishonest employees steal about 6 times more than shoplifters do

a lot of those cameras are not aimed at the customers :thumbup:

I have heard/read about this from time to time - how employees are the biggest source of retail theft. But from my perspective, I seem to get more scrutiny than employees do; I can hardly imagine any employee facing more scrutiny than I do. I wonder if employees are made to feel as though they are under suspicion - or is everything that is "done" to employees hidden from their view?

I even saw a brief news-feature on this subject fairly recently - how retailers are even going as far as to hire "spies" to keep an eye on employees (the spy is someone who may appear to be a run-of-the-mill employee). Funny - from the way this story was "teased", I briefly thought that the media was finally going to discuss how customers are covertly spied upon. But, no - rather oddly, this story didn't mention anything about how customers are spied-upon - they solely focused on how employees are targeted with this behavior. Based on this story, you would think that this type "spying" was never done to customers - when it very clearly is.

Every single camera may not be trained on customers - but enough of them are. But I see how the industry would want to downplay this reality, for p.r. purposes.

Absolutely_Sweet_Marie said: ↑

I understand what you are saying, but is there any harm in suggesting that she eat a carrot stick instead of the cheeseburger in her hand? :idontknow:

LOL, there actually is - if you're suggesting that losing weight is always as simple as eating carrot sticks. 😉

Obesity is often a more complex issue than having "Big Mac In Hand Disease". Many obese people would be loads thinner if they had that Size 0 gal's body-chemistry/metabolism/hormonal-profile.

For example - it has been my experience that many psychiatric medications relentlessly pack on the pounds, and screw up your metabolism/hormones. Even a dedicated exercise regimen and reasonable eating habits fail to get any of those pounds off.

Bronson99 said: ↑

Very often I look anxious, I don't typically smile or interact when I'm shopping, and yet, I've not often run into any problems. There were a few incidents in the past that resemble what the OP is saying, but very few relatively, and IMHO something else besides anxiety is causing "lonerism" to be singled out. I'm sure it's a part of it, but there must be something else.

What is that "something else"? I mean - it's not like I'm a minority. It's not like I stand out demographically from customers who surround me.

Employees are trained to focus on customer behavior. So I presume that behavior/body-language is paramount in their assessments.

Holy bloody responses, Batman. 😛

Alright, so... where to start...

Ah. The Self-Checkout. First and foremost, it's a cost-saving measure. The company doesn't have to pay out hourly wages, vacation, worry about sick time or shilling the till... within a year, a single machine more than pays for itself. And with a grouping of six to eight scanners, it can be watched over by a single newbie staffer. That's why they have them. Not to get customers out of the store faster or to reduce wait-times. It's purely a selfish desire by the company to screw honest people out of a job. I'd take a crowbar to every single one of them if I could, my own anxieties be damned...

Next up, hmm... oh, and you're right. If I had two or three items (I usually go for 6. It's a fun number. 😛) then I'd hop right into the self-checkout, despite my previous crowbar-claim, merely because at 7am the WalMart employees are liable to ring my purchases up numerous times, or they'll find a problem with their system, forcing me to wait. Nuts to that. But if it's equally busy between the two exit-options, I'll take the normal express-line, simply because that's the one typically staffed by cute highschool girls. And yes, I feel terrible for thinking that they're cute... and if they want to ask me a couple more questions, then it's a few more seconds of testing my personal limits (and smiling at the previously-mentioned beautiful teenager).

From a security stand-point, a shopper in sweats and pull-overs signals 'I've got nothing to lose'. That's why you've got to force yourself to dress up a little. Just a bit. Blend in or try to be noticed as the person that's fashionably over-dressed. It can be difficult, I know, but people pay far less attention to a decently-clad person than someone that's shabby and might pose THEM a threat. The further you go to put others at ease, then the less they're going to hassle you.

Next up... you need to shop at different stores. I know that the ones you visit now you must consider a 'safer' place to shop... but that kind of treatment is absurd. If I got followed around once, I would chalk it up as them trying to meet a monthly quota... but repeated instances means that the owner of the store DOES NOT TRUST THEIR CUSTOMERS, so why the Hell should you give them your money? Screw them. They don't own your loyalty... unless they personally pulled you out of a burning building... which I highly doubt.

And the LPAs don't much talk to the employees. They follow their own whims, and are continually watching for people entering the store that they believe pose a threat to the bottom line.

Anyways, what I think it boils down to is a bunch of little factors coming together in such a way that it brings you a lot of attention. I wouldn't 100% blame the staff or anything, 'cause they're just sheep that are doing what their bosses tell them to, just so they can take home minimum wage. True, it sounds like they're targeting you... which means that they're either hyper-vigilant model employees, or they've been robbed so often that the owner is going bankrupt with all the losses.

At any rate, find new, perhaps quieter places to shop. There's bound to be a small deppaneure/corner store that greets you with a smile, and stocks a few of the items that you'd normally pick up. Or a small independent grocer that has non-Chinese-grown vegetables at a comparable price. Really, you've got to change things up, 'cause it's not gonna get better, and having to continually go through with this treatment is giving you far too many headaches. Other than, y'know, the normal stress-headaches we get whenever we shop.

Hand off the Auto-check out Depraved, Furball. For an anxiety sufferer they are a brilliant invention. I don't give a rats if its a cost saving measure, it provides a service so that I am encouraged to shop more. As far as a few checkout operators losing their job, some who were rude when I was served by them, I think there is a karma about it.....and tough titties to them.

If I could I'd probably end up shopping for everything online. I'm good for business, and I will take my business elsewhere if I disapprove of the customer service experience.

Kiwong said: ↑

As far as a few checkout operators losing their job, some who were rude when I was served by them, I think there is a karma about it.....and tough titties to them.

Oi. I'm paying their bloody pogey, damnit. I'd rather they had a minimum wage job than just sitting around and breeding. 😛


But you're right... they serve a function, at least, and they're handy at times. But I'll still continue to challenge myself by standing stoic in the express lane, trying my hardest to be fascinated by a package of dusty batteries.

DepravedFurball said: ↑

Oi. I'm paying their bloody pogey, damnit. I'd rather they had a minimum wage job than just sitting around and breeding. 😛


But you're right... they serve a function, at least, and they're handy at times. But I'll still continue to challenge myself by standing stoic in the express lane, trying my hardest to be fascinated by a package of dusty batteries.

The auto check outs are a winner with shoppers in the supermarkets I frequent, more than serving a function. I always use the auto check out even if an express lane becomes available.

A fair proportion of the staff are just school or uni students earning some money.