Arohanui - Ake Ake KiaKaha's Journal
- Thread starter KiaKaha
- Start date
1BlackSheep
Well-known member
Awwww - so sweet! You have a beautiful family! 
MikeyC
Well-known member
I've actually met the family and they are all actually really good people.Awwww - so sweet! You have a beautiful family!
GhoulsNightOut
Well-known member
Hello, little Kia. You look adorable.
1BlackSheep
Well-known member
I have no doubt that they're awesome people! Kia's mum did a great job of raising him!I've actually met the family and they are all actually really good people.
Srijita52
Well-known member
Facethefear
Well-known member
I bet your mother's fav movie was Flashdance...What a feeling!....ask her.
You look like a young Nigel Tufnel before he found fame and fortune as the guitarist who could turn his amp up to eleven with Spinal Tap.
You look like a young Nigel Tufnel before he found fame and fortune as the guitarist who could turn his amp up to eleven with Spinal Tap.
KiaKaha
Banned
Shes married - bringing up her daughter - my niece. I am not particularly close with my siblings. I have four sisters - they are all older than me.
Anyway.
I have not been feeling the greatest lately. I have been feeling extremely sad and uncomfortable. It feels like whenever I try to improve my life or make a positive change - I just get hit back twice as hard...
I just wish I knew how to grow as a person. I dont seem to be able to find the support I feel I need. Maybe I am just weak.
I have been reading everyones posts directed at me lately. Sorry if I have not been responding - I do take notice, and I always appreciate all the kind words and support people here give me. Just been tired - but I wanted to express my gratitude. To my friends on SPW. I wish I could do more for you all.
It all comes down to social anxiety. Every-single-time. I have been fighting this my whole life - and it comes back even stronger than before.
but it isnt just the social anxiety/confidence/shyness - its the fact that I make it so obvious of the way that I feel. People KNOW that I am awkward or that I am uncomfortable, or anxious - it is noticeable... and that makes people feel awkward - and that makes me feel worse - because it's embarrassing. I cant play the 'game' - I just cant fake feeling self assured. It's so obvious.
But you know - I find it interesting how people respond and react to people like me. There is a stigma attached to being shy. There is no denying it. Shyness is the epitome of lack of of confidence. The one characteristic that is probably the most admired and respected.
And I was thinking, while driving home - what it is it about the socially awkward/confident and shy that is just so off putting and unattractive?
Here is what I think.
-Shy people are too much effort to bother with.
People like people that are easy to be around and to understand. Most of us are preoccupied with our own issues and what is going on in OUR world. Shy people implicitly require more attention than most to get them out of their shell. Depending on the severity of the shyness it may take a lot of effort. The way shyness can manifest itself can also be confusing and difficult to understand. Who can be bothered with all that? Shy people are just too much work.
-Shy people have a tendency to be unpopular.
Most of us want to associate with those who have some degree of respect and popularity. As much as people want to deny it - we LOVE cliques. We LOVE being part of a group or community. Shy people are too...well shy, to enter into such a group - that would require confidence. So they get left out. And because they get left out - people dont want to include them anyway. It is kind of a self perpetuating form of being shunned or exiled. Shy people need to be dealt with by a person with a tender heart - and a kind eye to make them feel welcome.
-Shy people are frustrating.
Kind of related to the first point. They are too difficult to deal with. We all have limits of tolerance.
-Shy people make other people feel awkward.
A shy person does not let other people get to know them very well or very quickly. Other people dont know how to relate to them because they are so quiet. They also have awkward social graces - further making them difficult to be around.
- Confidence is attractive.
Shyness is the opposite of confidence (well I think it is anyway) shyness exposes how one feels about themselves. Shy people sometimes dont like themselves, feel inadequate, incompetent and sometimes naive. If you are shy - you are telling the world that you feel you are not good enough.
-Shyness is misinterpreted.
Usually for snobbery or sometimes arrogance. Sometimes a shy person is so anxious that instead of being warm and genuine to others, they can come across as curt and short - simply to avoid having to speak for too long. Sometimes the anxiety makes one come across a lot worse or different from how they would like to.
Anyway - that is what I think.
I feel sorry for shy people.
Being a shy retard myself - I guess I would be.
meh.
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Starry
Well-known member
I'm sorry you're feeling so negatively, Kia. I hope that you will find a way to get through it all.
You make some interesting points about shyness... However, with the confidence issue... I'm not sure shyness and confidence are such polar opposites... Surely we all know people who seem very confident and outgoing, but who simply go along with whatever is expected or just follow the mainstream... One of my nieces is like that, she seems very loud and outgoing, but inside I know she's actually very insecure... all of her "confidence" comes from what other people think. So she smokes and she drinks (whilst underage) and she acts tough, to impress the group of friends she happens to have found for herself.. But remove the group support and she would crumble.
Also, without any confidence with people, you can still have confidence in yourself. I am very sure of myself in some ways and it would take a lot to shake my core set of beliefs... In those ways I am VERY confident... But around people I can barely utter a single word. In many ways, I am the complete opposite of my niece... Her core confidence relies on others, mine relies upon myself.
I'm also not sure than most people do see shyness as a negative trait... I've never really encountered any negativity surrounding it... Except on here. People may perhaps look down on it through a lack of understanding, but even then, everyone I've ever told about it has been understanding and have to some degree experienced similar feelings at times.
I do however think you're right in that most people consider trying to be friends with shy people too much effort... It seems that most people are too selfish to put in effort for anything much, and when they can have throwaway friends on demand via things like FaceBook, why would they bother? Too few people know how to be a genuine friend, whether they are with outgoing or retiring people.
Also, why do you think people want to group with people who are popular? It's because it helps with their own insecurities... To quote Bruce Lee:
"We have more faith in what we imitate than in what we originate. We cannot derive a sense of absolute certitude from anything that has its roots in us. The most poignant sense of insecurity comes from standing alone and we are not alone when we imitate. It is thus with most of us; we are what other people say we are. We know ourselves chiefly by hearsay."
Therefore, it takes great confidence in oneself in order to stand away from other people. All those who need to be with popular people therefore, are revealing their lack of confidence.
Also, shyness is considered attractive by some people...
But you're right that shyness is often misinterpreted. And that it makes others feel awkward... Possibly because it reminds them of their own insecurities.
I basically feel that people are not all that different at core, but the way we manifest our core feelings within our personalities varies wildly. Hence, there may be much more in common with the loudmouth bully and the quiet victim than would at first occur to the mind...
You make some interesting points about shyness... However, with the confidence issue... I'm not sure shyness and confidence are such polar opposites... Surely we all know people who seem very confident and outgoing, but who simply go along with whatever is expected or just follow the mainstream... One of my nieces is like that, she seems very loud and outgoing, but inside I know she's actually very insecure... all of her "confidence" comes from what other people think. So she smokes and she drinks (whilst underage) and she acts tough, to impress the group of friends she happens to have found for herself.. But remove the group support and she would crumble.
Also, without any confidence with people, you can still have confidence in yourself. I am very sure of myself in some ways and it would take a lot to shake my core set of beliefs... In those ways I am VERY confident... But around people I can barely utter a single word. In many ways, I am the complete opposite of my niece... Her core confidence relies on others, mine relies upon myself.
I'm also not sure than most people do see shyness as a negative trait... I've never really encountered any negativity surrounding it... Except on here. People may perhaps look down on it through a lack of understanding, but even then, everyone I've ever told about it has been understanding and have to some degree experienced similar feelings at times.
I do however think you're right in that most people consider trying to be friends with shy people too much effort... It seems that most people are too selfish to put in effort for anything much, and when they can have throwaway friends on demand via things like FaceBook, why would they bother? Too few people know how to be a genuine friend, whether they are with outgoing or retiring people.
Also, why do you think people want to group with people who are popular? It's because it helps with their own insecurities... To quote Bruce Lee:
"We have more faith in what we imitate than in what we originate. We cannot derive a sense of absolute certitude from anything that has its roots in us. The most poignant sense of insecurity comes from standing alone and we are not alone when we imitate. It is thus with most of us; we are what other people say we are. We know ourselves chiefly by hearsay."
Therefore, it takes great confidence in oneself in order to stand away from other people. All those who need to be with popular people therefore, are revealing their lack of confidence.
Also, shyness is considered attractive by some people...
But you're right that shyness is often misinterpreted. And that it makes others feel awkward... Possibly because it reminds them of their own insecurities.
I basically feel that people are not all that different at core, but the way we manifest our core feelings within our personalities varies wildly. Hence, there may be much more in common with the loudmouth bully and the quiet victim than would at first occur to the mind...
Srijita52
Well-known member
I've been on both sides and I can say, I've to agree with most things you mentioned. I'm sorry you're going through such hard times Kia, just hang in there and try to do your best. I know its not a very helpful thing to say though. If you feel like your shyness is getting in the way of getting what you want then maybe you can try to overcome it? Maybe doing a little research on this topic can help? Also try talking to people even if you're feeling awkward, you don't have to "fake" anything. Of course it'll be hard. You might get the feeling like "why bother?" or "no one cares" but it'll get better with enough time and practice. I'm not telling you to change yourself, why would you? You're such a great person, just try to work on the things you consider a problem.
KiaKaha
Banned
Thanks for your thoughts - and your support...and friendship.
My shyness. Man. I tell you.... it's ruining my life. It's so ****ing ridiculous. I am nearly 34 and I cant get past it. Stand there like a fricken lemon looking visibly nervous and barely able to speak. I dont know what to do. Seriously. I have tried EVERYTHING. I am nearly an expert on the subject.
I am going to vent. I am feeling anti people - dont say I didnt warn you.
I cant be nice to everyone.
Why? Because there are lots of characteristics and behaviours that others exhibit that I disagree with. I feel that the majority of peoples motivations are insincere - or at least not entirely honest. I think that most people are driven by one primary force - the need to feel important. This bothers me. I am still trying to figure out why.
I respect people who:
Are not afraid to be unpopular - but strive for respect instead - for the right reasons (I am not talking about a dog eat dog business man type who walks all over others just to get what they want....UGH - that goes against EVERYTHING I believe in. - I am meaning people who hold their values for the benefit of others - despite it making them unpopular. Standing up, for integrity - and not agreeing with the status quo for fear of not being accepted.)
Are able to admit their mistakes
Shows compassion to people less well off than them - and sees things in a humanistic way as much as possible.
Who think independently and are not bound by rules and procedure.
Has a sense of humour
Believes in subjective equality
Questions their behaviour and motivations
Does not try to prove anything
Shows kindness to the weak without disempowering them.
In fact - the less popular you are - the more likely I am going to be intrigued by you.
The more accepted and successful you are - the less likely. Why? Because you already have enough people admiring you. You dont need me to join the club.
Baaaa
My shyness. Man. I tell you.... it's ruining my life. It's so ****ing ridiculous. I am nearly 34 and I cant get past it. Stand there like a fricken lemon looking visibly nervous and barely able to speak. I dont know what to do. Seriously. I have tried EVERYTHING. I am nearly an expert on the subject.
I am going to vent. I am feeling anti people - dont say I didnt warn you.
I cant be nice to everyone.
Why? Because there are lots of characteristics and behaviours that others exhibit that I disagree with. I feel that the majority of peoples motivations are insincere - or at least not entirely honest. I think that most people are driven by one primary force - the need to feel important. This bothers me. I am still trying to figure out why.
I respect people who:
Are not afraid to be unpopular - but strive for respect instead - for the right reasons (I am not talking about a dog eat dog business man type who walks all over others just to get what they want....UGH - that goes against EVERYTHING I believe in. - I am meaning people who hold their values for the benefit of others - despite it making them unpopular. Standing up, for integrity - and not agreeing with the status quo for fear of not being accepted.)
Are able to admit their mistakes
Shows compassion to people less well off than them - and sees things in a humanistic way as much as possible.
Who think independently and are not bound by rules and procedure.
Has a sense of humour
Believes in subjective equality
Questions their behaviour and motivations
Does not try to prove anything
Shows kindness to the weak without disempowering them.
In fact - the less popular you are - the more likely I am going to be intrigued by you.
The more accepted and successful you are - the less likely. Why? Because you already have enough people admiring you. You dont need me to join the club.
Baaaa
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KiaKaha
Banned
If I like someone I respect them at the same time.
I guess that is pretty obvious really.
The thing is - I dont respect everyone. I dont think everyone deserves my respect.
Respect is a two way game. But if I just happen to think you are a dick, due to some of the aforementioned reasons - then you will be treated like one.
Bustn Justin
Well-known member
I see myself in most things on that list. Do not care about being popular here.I just like to have my small circle of people I can be myself and confortable with.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
It's a rare day, such a very rare day I ever meet a person who I admire. Those are the people I respect and am drawn to. You get to the point where you do loose faith in humanity if good people are so redicilously(how do you spell that? <---) uncommon, all you can do is try to be one of them yourself. That's where I am at anyways. Trying to be one of the good ones.
I am like you though, always for the dark horse, the person who struggles and has less handed to them is someone I am rooting for. I respect people who are the underdogs and managed to do something great despite there so-called inadequacies. I don't give my admiration to anyone just because they have financial success or are popular-those people put me on red alert actually.
I am like you though, always for the dark horse, the person who struggles and has less handed to them is someone I am rooting for. I respect people who are the underdogs and managed to do something great despite there so-called inadequacies. I don't give my admiration to anyone just because they have financial success or are popular-those people put me on red alert actually.
So if you think someone's a dick, you'll be disrespectful to them?....and then they'll think you're being a dick and be rude back and you'll respond in kind and....its all propelling the cycle.
I dont think that would get anyone anywhere.
I think we can all be dicks. And we can all be decent. And I wouldnt want to be judge nor jury over anyone else to say they were good/bad people. I dont believe in "bad" people. I think people do bad things because they have issues and a misalligned moral compass. Having said that, its not about what I believe. Its not my place to excuse anyone anything or teach anyone anything. If I deny them courtesy or respect then Im communicating my low opinion of them and reinforcing low self esteem in another person. Thats not my place. I treat everyone with respect. I may not like everyone but I show respect to everyone.
In any case, if the objective of denying someone respect is to point out their flawed behaviour, to try an change it, wouldnt it be more effective to use positive reinforcement rather than negative?
Maybe I've misunderstood? what does being disrespectful achieve?
MikeyC
Well-known member
You seemed pretty confident when I met you, although I only got a 3-day snapshot.