Arohanui - Ake Ake KiaKaha's Journal

[Nathália]

I'm kind of agreeing with Jewel. Maybe I'm not understanding what you're saying either.

 

[KiaKaha]

Well, I think there are bad people. I think that there are behaviours and actions from others, that are unacceptable. I find it difficult to believe that everyone everywhere can show respect to people who they wont show respect back - or to others. Some people....are just *******s. Bullies and people who wont show courtesy to others....are not going to get my respect. It is as simple as that.

But you know - it just doesnt matter. I think - people have built up the wrong idea about the kind of person I am. This forum is making me feel disempowered and weak.

I am getting a lot of implicit messages that is making me feel like my feelings and beliefs dont matter - or are simply incorrect. I am feeling - somewhat like everything that I think I know about the world.... is simply wrong. I feel like I know nothing about anything...

- If someone treats me badly, I am not allowed to feel upset. I need to get over it, because people just do what they do - there are no standards of acceptable or unacceptable behaviour.
- There is no such as thing as being a victim only a victim mentality.
- You cant blame anyone for anything - EVER
- People who are in troubling situations are there because of their own actions, and its their own fault.
- Everything about your existence is determined by your own actions - not by anything external to yourself.
- You are not allowed to expect anything from anyone.
- If you are weak, then you deserve to be
- No one has any expectation to help anyone else.


It's like - all the bad feelings and frustrations and the reasons behind them, are somehow your own fault. Gee - I get it. Everything crap in my life, being bullied, abused, being treated badly, not getting a job, or getting ahead, or expecting someone to treat you fairly but not - is all because of me.....somehow, and the feelings associated with them - should be repressed - because life is supposed to be all about rainbows unicorns and gumdrops. Choose to be happy...right?

Well that is just dandy.

Clueless. I just feel stupid.

You know - everything I do - is for the benefit, of others - particularly those who less well off - but I dont think people really understand the reasons for thinking the way I do.

 

[KiaKaha]

How long would someone last if who they were was never normalized of validated.

 

[kilojoule]

I don't really follow your thought process on the second above entry.

I think **** things happen to people. However its how you deal with the **** things that determines what becomes of you after.

You either say

Well thats that. Ive been compromised by x, y &z. This is my lot in life. The best I can hope for is to survive under the radar and my existence not be overly miserable.

Or you say

Feck it anyway. **** happened to me but I will not allow it be what defines me as a person. I will be remembered for something that means something to me, not for what happened to me.

 

[Lea]

Well, I think there are bad people. I think that there are behaviours and actions from others, that are unacceptable. I find it difficult to believe that everyone everywhere can show respect to people who they wont show respect back - or to others. Some people....are just *******s. Bullies and people who wont show courtesy to others....are not going to get my respect. It is as simple as that.

But you know - it just doesnt matter. I think - people have built up the wrong idea about the kind of person I am. This forum is making me feel disempowered and weak.

I am getting a lot of implicit messages that is making me feel like my feelings and beliefs dont matter - or are simply incorrect. I am feeling - somewhat like everything that I think I know about the world.... is simply wrong. I feel like I know nothing about anything...

- If someone treats me badly, I am not allowed to feel upset. I need to get over it, because people just do what they do - there are no standards of acceptable or unacceptable behaviour.
- There is no such as thing as being a victim only a victim mentality.
- You cant blame anyone for anything - EVER
- People who are in troubling situations are there because of their own actions, and its their own fault.
- Everything about your existence is determined by your own actions - not by anything external to yourself.
- You are not allowed to expect anything from anyone.
- If you are weak, then you deserve to be
- No one has any expectation to help anyone else.


It's like - all the bad feelings and frustrations and the reasons behind them, are somehow your own fault. Gee - I get it. Everything crap in my life, being bullied, abused, being treated badly, not getting a job, or getting ahead, or expecting someone to treat you fairly but not - is all because of me.....somehow, and the feelings associated with them - should be repressed - because life is supposed to be all about rainbows unicorns and gumdrops. Choose to be happy...right?

Well that is just dandy.

Clueless. I just feel stupid.

You know - everything I do - is for the benefit, of others - particularly those who less well off - but I dont think people really understand the reasons for thinking the way I do.

I perfectly understand what you are saying here. However, I think what people are telling you (or to anyone who has been harmed and feels miserable because of it) doesn´t mean they´re denying the cruelty or unfairness of the act or the guilt of the perpetreator, nor are they saying life is a rosey garden. I think we´re all on the same boat, and **** happens to all of us the same. Only some people just don´t dwell on it for too long and learn to concentrate on positive things, or things that lead ahead, not down. I think constant wallowing in **** and hating the world brings nothing, is counterproductive.. I am not against you or don´t want to make you angry but what do you expect when you always say on a forum how you hate people etc.. people - it is all of us, so you´re basically saying you hate us, and expect us to be sympatethic for it. I also think bad things should be dealt with in the moment they happen and then go on and not carry the grudge and hate around, addressing it to people indiscriminately, even those who didn´t do anything bad to you..

So positivity I think doesn´t just mean DENYING tha badness in the world, it means trying to lift yourself up and concentrate on the better things, go on.

 

[Opaline]

I perfectly understand what you are saying here. However, I think what people are telling you (or to anyone who has been harmed and feels miserable because of it) doesn´t mean they´re denying the cruelty or unfairness of the act or the guilt of the perpetreator, nor are they saying life is a rosey garden. I think we´re all on the same boat, and **** happens to all of us the same. Only some people just don´t dwell on it for too long and learn to concentrate on positive things, or things that lead ahead, not down. I think constant wallowing in **** and hating the world brings nothing, is counterproductive.. I am not against you or don´t want to make you angry but what do you expect when you always say on a forum how you hate people etc.. people - it is all of us, so you´re basically saying you hate us, and expect us to be sympatethic for it. I also think bad things should be dealt with in the moment they happen and then go on and not carry the grudge and hate around, addressing it to people indiscriminately, even those who didn´t do anything bad to you..

So positivity I think doesn´t just mean DENYING tha badness in the world, it means trying to lift yourself up and concentrate on the better things, go on.

What I bolded there is something I have a problem with. I spend too much time thinking about negative things which gets me nowhere. It's like I want the world to magically be a wonderful place and all the sorrows and unfairness to disappear. That's pretty naive. We all know the world can be cruel, but one gains nothing by dwelling on it. I think my problem is I allow myself to become paralyzed by the negative thoughts and feelings I experience, and I dwell on them to the point that it becomes ingrained in my head and swallows me up until I start to become nothing but a mass of negativity. I feel so stupid for doing this to myself, but how do you be positive when it just feels like you are lying to yourself/rationalizing?

The rest of what you said; I understand what you're saying. And regardless of how bad someone feels, other people can only have sympathy for so long. Eventually they will tire of hearing about how unfair your life is, and expect you to buck up and move on.

Kia, I understand how you feel because I often feel the same way. But ultimately it does no good to sit and dwell on the miseries of life. It only poisons the soul. I know it's hard to do when we are anxious people by nature, and those thoughts go round and round in your head and feel like they will eat you alive. It's hard not to fall into despair. But I guess all that is left to do is yes, just suck it up, because no one is going to stop and say poor you let me make the world better so you don't feel so bad.

I don't know what I'm ultimately saying, I'm just blathering as usual. And nothing against you at all, just putting in my own thoughts on the matter.

 

[Lea]

What I bolded there is something I have a problem with. I spend too much time thinking about negative things which gets me nowhere. It's like I want the world to magically be a wonderful place and all the sorrows and unfairness to disappear. That's pretty naive. We all know the world can be cruel, but one gains nothing by dwelling on it. I think my problem is I allow myself to become paralyzed by the negative thoughts and feelings I experience, and I dwell on them to the point that it becomes ingrained in my head and swallows me up until I start to become nothing but a mass of negativity. I feel so stupid for doing this to myself, but how do you be positive when it just feels like you are lying to yourself/rationalizing?

I am like that myself I guess. When I´m feeling something, I feel it properly without inhibition. When I feel miserable, I allow myself to feel miserable, or even cry like mad. But, I don´t think it´s wrong. It is not prohibited to feel certain way. What I think isn´t quite ok though, is just what I wrote above, to be a person who is toxic or spiteful himself.. We can´t conquer badness by becoming bad ourselves..

 

[KiaKaha]

I am not suggesting that people wallow in sorrow and hold grudges for how badly they get treated - I realize that that is counter productive and does not help anyone.

I am not saying that people should passively respond to their environment.

I am just saying that people are products of their environments - and that all of our beliefs and how we see the world are determined by our own experiences and culture and that some understanding of that is necessary for people to heal.

People have limited sympathy because they think they are not trying hard enough, or are not choosing the right attitude - I dont see it that way, I think people are that way for a reason - and it is something that is ingrained into who they are, like your hair colour or your height - and I know why people dont like this idea - its because it is exasperating dealing with people like that. It's frustrating - and I also think there is element of resentment toward people who dont seem to have the strength to pull themselves up.

I also think that there are psychological thresholds - there is only so much resiliency one can have before it changes the core of who they are. We are taught everything - and I believe that that needs to be tolerated.

I dont believe that dwelling on the bad things in life is healthy - I just think that not everything is controlled by merely looking on the bright side of life - and that everyone deserves a basic standard of living and support - and that the strong should support the weak, and that some people are responsible for the hardship of others and that THEY should be held accountable - not everything is internal.

I just dont understand - how people are so unwilling to think about another person - when the exact same thing COULD happen to them. It always seems to be about taking, but never giving - damn... I can never articulate exactly what I mean with this point. Like - people are so willing to take support or help (or whatever) , but if they were in that persons position and things were reversed - they are unwilling to do the same thing... you know?

But you know...

it seems lately - that most people here seem to be disagreeing with how I see things - and to be honest, its making me feel pretty crappy. I feel like every belief and motivation and conclusion that I make and draw about the world - is wrong.
and that the feelings I have - are invalid. I think - that sometimes SPW is not an accurate representation of how things truly are, and that to justify ones inner feelings and motivations, there is a lot of rationalization to make those feelings and motivations truth.

I do believe however that this forum contains some of the most insightful, compassionate, supportive and friendly people I have ever encountered. Good people - who deserve more than what they have.

I do my best, to help other people. I volunteer nearly all of my spare time to helping people in poverty, the environment or those with mental illness. I base these actions on the aforementioned beliefs. I use my strength, my cognitive functioning - to give and support those who are weaker than myself - my sense of justice, dissatisfaction and frustration powerfully motivates me to do this - despite how unpopular or how much trouble I get myself into.

I am probably not the most likeable, agreeable or even the most friendly person here - but I do my best, to be a person of integrity - despite feeling unappreciated sometimes.

I am going to leave SPW for a while. I think the longer I stay here - the less important and more disempowered I become - I feel I have alienated myself with a number of people here and dont really feel like I 'fit in' all that well - and the more often I stick around and the more posts I make about the way I feel and the values and beliefs I hold the more stupid and less intelligent I feel.

Besides - I have already been banned once, it would probably be only a matter of time till I get banned again.

Thanks to those who have shown my love, support and friendship - I hope I have offered you the same.

I need a considerable break from SPW.

Take care yall - till I see you sometime in the future.

 

[hidwell]

Good luck for the future, and enjoy your break from SPW.

 

[MikeyC]

I don't always agree with you, but I do enjoy your posts. You type with purpose and meaning and I like that.

Sorry to see you leaving again.

 

[Starry]

Sorry to see you're leaving Kia!

I agree with a lot of what you post (Not everything, but then, who agrees with everything another person says?), you are likable and worthwhile and you are not wrong in most of your beliefs and values! You are right that SPW is "not always an accurate representation of how things are". But no one community can be, they all have their biases... Different people have different ways of viewing things and perhaps nobody is wholly right or wrong? I think you generally are closer to the truth than some, but that doesn't mean there's no truth in the opposing view... Balance is required, but I'm sure you know that already, since you're one of the few people who admits to constantly questioning yourself!

Whatever else happens in your life, I hope you can find happiness and peace for yourself. *Hugs*

 

[Bustn Justin]

Do what you need to do to get well.

I like that you will help other people while you struggle with your own issues.

You have been able to help me realize I am too hard on myself when I have no reason too.

Good luck and take care!

 

[kilojoule]

Sorry to hear that Kia, the forum will be a lot quieter without you. I hope the break helps & I wish you the very bestest

 

[MollyBeGood]

We, people, are just a bunch of apes. In the animal kingdom when an animal acts weak or sick or different in a herd or pack the other animals in some cases (carnivores)will kill that animal. Humans are just animals really and kill each other slowly with their unkindness towards others and their words of hate...it's all the same really. Just a bunch of apes are we, speaking apes, who think we rule the planet.

feel better soon, friend.

 

[Lea]

We, people, are just a bunch of apes. In the animal kingdom when an animal acts weak or sick or different in a herd or pack the other animals in some cases (carnivores)will kill that animal. Humans are just animals really and kill each other slowly with their unkindness towards others and their words of hate...it's all the same really. Just a bunch of apes are we, speaking apes, who think we rule the planet.

feel better soon, friend.

Sorry I don´t understand what are you at here. What humans do you mean? Who is harming Kia? Did you witness anyone in real life to do it? If not how can you judge then? And if you mean us on spw who had just a different opinion on something that Kia said, why is that wrong? Jesus what is wrong with discussing ideas? Why is everyone taking everything personally? Isn´t it why we are here, to have a discussion? And what else is discussion than exchanging different ideas? Is it wrong to be something else than a "yes yes" person? Sorry if I come across as unkind, this is just who I am, I don´t know anyhow else.

 

[Opaline]

Sorry I don´t understand what are you at here. What humans do you mean? Who is harming Kia? Did you witness anyone in real life to do it? If not how can you judge then? And if you mean us on spw who had just a different opinion on something that Kia said, why is that wrong? Jesus what is wrong with discussing ideas? Why is everyone taking everything personally? Isn´t it why we are here, to have a discussion? And what else is discussion than exchanging different ideas? Is it wrong to be something else than a "yes yes" person? Sorry if I come across as unkind, this is just who I am, I don´t know anyhow else.

I don't think she was referring to people on here... I could be wrong of course but it seemed like she was talking about people in the "real world", the ones Kia is talking about when he talks about his frustrations with people in his everyday life.

As for the other part of your post, about discussing ideas here - I agree with you. I often feel really guilty for posting the things I post because I feel like other people are thinking, "Oh god, not THIS again. Just shut up already and find something to be happy about." Of course a lot of that is in my head, but I have received comments like that in the past. I understand the aversion to constant negativity but I think some people focus too much on other people's posts, or take it too personally. If you don't like my writing, ignore me. There's even a handy dandy ignore feature that will make all my posts invisible if you wish.

(and when I say "I" here, I don't just mean myself, but all of us here who delve deeply into these things and write long posts trying to dissect the misfortunes in our lives )

 

[Lea]

I don't think she was referring to people on here... I could be wrong of course but it seemed like she was talking about people in the "real world", the ones Kia is talking about when he talks about his frustrations with people in his everyday life.

As for the other part of your post, about discussing ideas here - I agree with you. I often feel really guilty for posting the things I post because I feel like other people are thinking, "Oh god, not THIS again. Just shut up already and find something to be happy about." Of course a lot of that is in my head, but I have received comments like that in the past. I understand the aversion to constant negativity but I think some people focus too much on other people's posts, or take it too personally. If you don't like my writing, ignore me. There's even a handy dandy ignore feature that will make all my posts invisible if you wish.

(and when I say "I" here, I don't just mean myself, but all of us here who delve deeply into these things and write long posts trying to dissect the misfortunes in our lives )

So you want to say you feel guilty about venting? Why? I don´t think it´s bad. I think you´re generally pretty considerate as a person and don´t offend anyone with your ideas. Which I think I am, I think I am a nice person but just say my opinions which are not always flattering and probably piss a lot of ppl off. But I don´t want to offend them personally, if you or anyone can believe that. I always invite healthy discussion, not bearing grudges or spilling the guts behind my back later.

If someone is ever personally hurt because of something I say, please let me know immediately and don´t hold the grudge, thank you.

 

[KiaKaha]

So - It's the middle of the night, I cant sleep. I don't know why - but I am feeling - not all that great. I am just thinking of why I seem to get treated so badly by so many people. And why no one seems to understand me properly. I feel like my feelings don't matter to anyone - well not exactly that - but just when you try to explain to people why you are upset, they just don't get it - and it leaves me feeling, unfulfilled empty, misuderstood and uncared about.

I am replaying over in my head - all the times I have been rejected, been excluded, been given dirty looks or elicited contempt from others and all the times I have been mucked around, abused and manipulated by women I have been somewhat intimately involved with. People simply do-not-like-me. Yet - I try, I try so very hard to be someone who stands strongly by my values and to be a person that does some good. But it doesnt matter....

As of this moment - I feel a mix of self hatred, being unliked, misunderstanding, unappreciated, unintelligent, undesirable, empty, unnoticed, frustrated and generally feel like life is simply not worth living. I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere - with anyone about anything. I want to like people - but people are just so damned difficult understand and self serving.

And what's worse is that when I get like this - I feel that I shouldn't get like this. It's embarrassing, self indulgent, attention seeking and quite pathetic.

UGH. What to do with the feelings. I wish I knew how to get rid of it. Just churning away inside driving me crazy.

I just needed to write. Have to do something right?

 

[Starry]

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling, Kia. But also glad to see you again... I was wondering how you are just earlier today... I just wish it was positive and not negative.

It may not be much of a condolence, but you are liked by some people, even if they're only people on this forum.

I hope you feel better soon, Kia.

 

[Nathália]

:sad: Very sorry you're going through this now Kia. There are people in the world that like you like Starry said. I know what mean. Hope you feel better.