Arohanui - Ake Ake KiaKaha's Journal

[Lea]

You never rejected anyone based solely on their looks, Kia?

 

[KiaKaha]

You never rejected anyone based solely on their looks, Kia?

Romantically? Yes I have. Completely dismissed them completely as a person in a very obvious and deeply abrupt way. No. Never. Usually I can always find something physically attractive in a woman....simply because they are female.
I always give people a chance, even if the likelihood of a romantic encounter is slim.

I totally get where she is coming from, I really do - but despite that. It still hurts...and that is the way I feel.

 

[Starry]

I'm so sorry, Kia. *hugs* Though, I must say, her excuse sounds like a complete load of rubbish to me... That or her original profile was a complete load of rubbish...

I'm sorry, but if you're attracted to someone, I don't believe a second photo - after all, she'd seen one, it couldn't be that different - would have such a dramatic effect... I also find it strange she waited until the last minute to ask for a second photo if there was a problem with the first... It's strange... :/

Also, if there is genuine attraction between personalities, then the physical looks do not really matter... When I first saw photos of my husband, I was disappointed, because he was just not my type AT ALL, plus he took awful pictures of himself (he's much better in life, or in photographs I take). But I felt such an attraction to his personality that my feelings for him were not affected... And now, I have to say, I think he's very good-looking...

And finally, you are not unattractive. I see nothing wrong with you at all!

 

[Kat]

Going solely by an internet photo sounds a bit fishy, yeah there has to be some attraction and you would want it to be there but I don't know I wouldn't think a photo was the most accurate way to know. That's unfortunate::

 

[Facethefear]

A drive-by posting:
Did you mention if you saw a photo of her? Is it assumed there was a exchange of pics?
If not - why? Maybe there are reasons other than what you have concluded for her acting so insensitive and rude.
Maybe she ain't no beauty queen/super model herself.
""I dont judge a book by its cover" "I take time to get to know people" "I give people a chance" and other such sentiments" Just words from a liar. You didn't lose out - SHE DID.

Beauty fades but dumb is forever

 

[Silatuyok]

Like I've said before (somewhere I know I have said this), when it comes to people's descriptions of themselves, they will inevitably describes themselves the way they want to see themselves, and not in a purely objective way (that would be pretty impossible). This often turns out to be the exact opposite of what the person is really like. In this case, she wasn't willing to give you a chance, but just said that she was because she wants to believe she is that kind of person.
I'm sorry for your disappointment. Only take people at face value and not what they claim to be. That's what I believe, anyway. (And by "face value" I certainly don't mean judge a person by their looks, but rather by their actions.)

 

[Nathália]

I agree, this chicka sounds fishy Kia.
She is advertising that she is not shallow and turns out to be.
It makes you wonder what eles is going on based on the fact.

You are not a hideous guy plus your personality adds points to your looks.
It is not just you getting deal breakers, all kinds of people get them, no matter how hot shot a person may think another person looks.

Okay, looks do matter, they are not everything though. This person I would not even look into it or think about it because she lied. Maybe you need to venture out. Seroiusly, these women are not giving you good reasons or seem like they are looking for someone eles. "Too nice" ??? What is she looking for a bad boy? That is just silly and her issu, or may be it was a cop out....

When you look online deception increases. People try to paint pictures of themselves instead of you getting a picture and deciding for yourself. That person may not want to see the truth about themselves. Try not be too emotional over these people even if they have qualities you like about them.

I am very sorry. Kia

 

[coyote]

i understand how discouraging that can be

but maybe it wasn't about YOU so much at all

chances are that she was communicating with any number of other potential suitors at the same time - perhaps the guy she'd had her eye on first finally got back to her

or...

perhaps she suffers from social anxiety and got scared when it looked like there was a chance she may actually meet someone who was interested in her - i hear social anxiety sufferers do some irrational things like that sometimes

the point is that there could be any number of reasons besides you being undesirable or her being a horrible person - rather than looking for someone or something to pass judgment on, let it go and move onto the next thing

 

[Facethefear]

Call me superficial, but I would love to see the pictures you sent her and any pics of her just so I can wrap my brain around this woman's loony actions. Is she so stupid that she cannot know how her thoughtless words would affect you? Maybe it is a man pretending to be a woman...

 

[KiaKaha]

I don´t know, it seems to me maybe you´re too eager to find someone and for love and validation, that you easily fall prey to superficial people, who know how to charm with words? But I am no dating expert so no apt to give advice.

Well eager, perhaps - but lots of people are. Everyone wants to pair up eventually. It's how we are biologically wired is it not? I remember one time someone said something to me that I thought about for a long time until I realized at how false the statement was, and that was "people who want girlfriends (or boyfriends) is a sign of having low self esteem" - I thought that was true for a long time - Until I realized it wasnt. But perhaps you are right that I am putting far too much weight into finding someone. I just think it would be nice to have ONE person actually think of you fondly and to care about who you are.

Like I've said before (somewhere I know I have said this), when it comes to people's descriptions of themselves, they will inevitably describes themselves the way they want to see themselves, and not in a purely objective way (that would be pretty impossible). This often turns out to be the exact opposite of what the person is really like. In this case, she wasn't willing to give you a chance, but just said that she was because she wants to believe she is that kind of person.
I'm sorry for your disappointment. Only take people at face value and not what they claim to be. That's what I believe, anyway. (And by "face value" I certainly don't mean judge a person by their looks, but rather by their actions.)

I agree - and I think a lot of my own dissatisfaction comes from the fact that people often dont see me the way that I see my self. I think perception from others is incredibly important. That is good advice - I have to remember to, I dont know - be more objective of my assessment of other people I guess. And thank you for your kind words toward my feelings.

I agree, this chicka sounds fishy Kia.
She is advertising that she is not shallow and turns out to be.
It makes you wonder what eles is going on based on the fact.

You are not a hideous guy plus your personality adds points to your looks.
It is not just you getting deal breakers, all kinds of people get them, no matter how hot shot a person may think another person looks.

Okay, looks do matter, they are not everything though. This person I would not even look into it or think about it because she lied. Maybe you need to venture out. Seroiusly, these women are not giving you good reasons or seem like they are looking for someone eles. "Too nice" ??? What is she looking for a bad boy? That is just silly and her issu, or may be it was a cop out....

When you look online deception increases. People try to paint pictures of themselves instead of you getting a picture and deciding for yourself. That person may not want to see the truth about themselves. Try not be too emotional over these people even if they have qualities you like about them.

I am very sorry. Kia

Thanks - my personality is probably my biggest strength. I feel better - but it still doesnt erase the truth about how things really are. I know that I am not a "hot" or "cute" guy... I am average...at best. I am so suspicious. I cant figure it out - I wish I could read minds. Things would be so much easier.

i understand how discouraging that can be

but maybe it wasn't about YOU so much at all

chances are that she was communicating with any number of other potential suitors at the same time - perhaps the guy she'd had her eye on first finally got back to her

or...

perhaps she suffers from social anxiety and got scared when it looked like there was a chance she may actually meet someone who was interested in her - i hear social anxiety sufferers do some irrational things like that sometimes

the point is that there could be any number of reasons besides you being undesirable or her being a horrible person - rather than looking for someone or something to pass judgment on, let it go and move onto the next thing

Thanks - but it was very obvious about looks. That is bound to make anyone feel bad. Set up date -- receives picture of me -- cancels date. Its about looks. I will move on - I have no choice but to. I have before - except as per usual, I will just add this experience to a permanent part of myself to add to the never ending core belief (based on external experience) that I am simply just-not-good-enough. There is an underlying, unspoken, very subtle class system based on very superficial characteristics. I swear it.

Call me superficial, but I would love to see the pictures you sent her and any pics of her just so I can wrap my brain around this woman's loony actions. Is she so stupid that she cannot know how her thoughtless words would affect you? Maybe it is a man pretending to be a woman...

No its a woman. I could post pics but - I dont think that would be very appropriate. I dont want to out her publically, I think that would be harrasment...wouldnt it? - lets just say "shes out of my league" apparently... I just got wheeled in..again. God you would think I would learn.

Anyway - sorry for being a big wussy crybaby who cant get his own way and cant accept things are the way that they are. I dont handle disappointment very well... in fact that is the one emotion that I have the hardest time dealing with. It happens far too often, and I wish that things like this would not affect me as badly as they do. I am tired.

Thanks to all who - sympathized and gave me their thoughts. I will try not to let it bring me down too much.

 

[Starry]

Thanks - but it was very obvious about looks. That is bound to make anyone feel bad. Set up date -- receives picture of me -- cancels date. Its about looks. I will move on - I have no choice but to. I have before - except as per usual, I will just add this experience to a permanent part of myself to add to the never ending core belief (based on external experience) that I am simply just-not-good-enough. There is an underlying, unspoken, very subtle class system based on very superficial characteristics. I swear it.

I still think it sounds strange... It may be about looks, but I find it so odd that she waited until the last moment to ask for a second photograph... She would have asked for another picture earlier on if she really was that shallow... After all, why would she waste her time flirting with someone she's not sure about? It just doesn't make much sense to me.

My instinct would be that she had someone else lined up who she thought was better, and then needed an "excuse" to get out of meeting with you, i.e asking for another picture then saying there's no attraction. OR she is someone messing around just to torment people... I met someone on Facebook who had many, many accounts - some male, some female... Some of them were very convincing, he had pictures of people with their families - obviously, they were stolen from real accounts, others were stock photographs - a simple Google reverse image search revealed them... but he used them all to "troll"... So just because something seems genuine, don't believe that it definitely is.

I stand by what I said before, there is nothing wrong with the way you look! This case, of course holds the possibility that the woman didn't find you attractive, but then, personal taste comes into what we like and don't like... I can't stand Brad Pitt, for example, yet thousands think he's stunningly attractive.

Whatever the case, I really hope you feel better about it all soon, and of course, that you meet the woman who is perfect for you.

 

[Lea]

Well eager, perhaps - but lots of people are. Everyone wants to pair up eventually. It's how we are biologically wired is it not? I remember one time someone said something to me that I thought about for a long time until I realized at how false the statement was, and that was "people who want girlfriends (or boyfriends) is a sign of having low self esteem" - I thought that was true for a long time - Until I realized it wasnt. But perhaps you are right that I am putting far too much weight into finding someone. I just think it would be nice to have ONE person actually think of you fondly and to care about who you are.

I didn´t mean this, I just meant people who flatter a lot or are exchaggerately affectionate.. instead of those who are not so much but instead tell you honestly what they think, the good and bad. There is one proverb - who flies too high, falls too deep, nothing is black and white. If someone gives you only the white, it´s suspicious because it´s not realistic, and you can expect loads of black emerging as a compensation in the end.

Dating is quite a tricky thing I guess, because people are not honest with each other, instead try to show themselves in the best light and there is a lot of pretention about everything. And the reality is, even the best and nicest words mean nothing, it´s not a real love, it´s only a game. They say it to you because they´re still playing and deciding if you´re worth pursuing or not, not because they loved you unconditionally.

 

[Facethefear]

KK: Listen to what the female posters are telling you about your date-breaker's behavior; this is not the way a real woman acts. This person is a complete fraud and may not be a she at all and is not worthy of your time and attention. Maybe, that person got led on and dumped in real life and is getting some kind of revenge by paying it back online over and over again. S/he sounds like a nutcase who has no manners or brains or a sadist who gets a thrill out of tormenting people. Forget this lying loser.

 

[KiaKaha]

Hello.... it's me... Kia...

How are you? me?...oh you know...a little bit of this, a little bit of that... a bit up here, a bit down there, so on and so forth...

Brace yourselves...

So I went on another date... I know I know...this journal is like reading a chronically depressed mills and boon novel. Kind of exciting...yet extremely depressing and frustrating. I feel ya...I really do.

I like this one - shes cute and interesting - but not overly cute - shes not *hot* shes my cute...and shes introverted and....i dont know...coy? She has big eyes... big big eyes.... like a japanse anime character...

This time I am learning. I am like pavlovs dogs - I am responding to learned stimuli and behaving in a conditioned way.

OK so lets look at the experience analytically.

Pros *clues*

Date lasted from 6pm to 9:30pm
Went to two bars
Found things in common: Both like same type of music,outdoors, meditation, similar travel experiences, relatable, similar sense of humour etc ie: conversation flowed well
She bought me a drink
We went to a sex shop for the hell of it
I drove her home (trust?)
She invited me in to her home for a cup of coffee
End of night she gave me a hug with a squeeze at the end

Cons
A few lulls in conversation (natural when meeting someone for first time?)
Nervousness/shyness/paranoid that I am being too 'nice'
Felt flustered when meeting her room mate
Not sure if it was a 'date' or if it was just meeting up with someone new.
Have not heard from her today
hmmm... I guess thats all I can think of.

Conclusion:

Possible room for flirtation and second meeting
Suspicion of mutual attraction and interest
Enjoyable evening, despite minor social faux pas
May see me as a 'friend' or 'nice guy'
(nice guy = no intimacy/sex etc in respect to romantic ideals... ultimate disaster)

Action to take
Send email with suggestion of meeting up again, with subtle flirtation and romantic inclination (very low key)
Convey no obligation
Do not send second email/text message if not heard back within reasonable amount of time - wait for her to contact
Keep expectations as low as humanly possible - minimizing hope, excitement and ultimately disappointment.
Move on.

 

[1BlackSheep]

Brace yourselves...

So I went on another date...

LOL!!! You crack me up, Mr. Kia! There was no warning that this coming! ::

Sounds like you had a fun and interesting evening - not too long, not too short, and you managed to squeeze in going to a few different places (who's idea was the sex shop though?) . She seems very nice and has a sense of adventure! Hopefully this will be the start of great relationship!

 

[KiaKaha]

Hopefully this will be the start of great relationship!

Thats a little optimistic... I don't *do* relationships. I have grand failures combined with a masochistic mentality of trying again....

but thanks

Oh and it was her idea. She wanted to purchase some.... uh... items of pleasure...so to speak.

 

[1BlackSheep]

Thats a little optimistic... I don't *do* relationships. I have grand failures combined with a masochistic mentality of trying again...

Sounds all too familiar to me! ::

Oh and it was her idea. She wanted to purchase some.... uh... items of pleasure...so to speak.

Well alrighty then, I suppose you're off to a good start!

 

[Nathália]

Kia, I really believe you are going to find someone to love you.
You are the champion my friend, keep on fighting till the end.

 

[1BlackSheep]

Queen - We Are The Champions (Lyrics) - YouTube

 

[Nathália]

Queen - We Are The Champions (Lyrics) - YouTube

You both tickle me to death.