dottie
Well-known member
i am getting older now and i feel like i am becoming a bitch. i always thought of myself as a nice person. so much that i was a doormat. i have always tried to be nice. still i find myself being overly polite when i'm in public- especially at work where i am forced to kiss ass and play the doormat role. but on my own time i'm at the point where i don't go out of my way to smile at people or ask them what they're doing or what they're about. it's like if i act that way it is so phony and awkward. i would rather seem like an antisocial bitch than a fake so i'm at the point where i just can't feel bothered to care about people anymore.
i am a jaded, callous bitch. i am not a barrel of laughs or fun to hang out with. it was something i never learned to be. i was not conditioned to be fun or joyous as a kid. i was not treated that way.
i don't necessarily want to be a bitch but it's the only way i know how to act anymore. if i really wanted to i suppose i could try to be more conversational toward people but i don't feel like it is worth wasting my energy (and it takes a lot of energy for someone with SA). i have grown to dislike people in general and usually don't give them much of a chance. sad but true. it is kind of a "get them before they get me" mentality. i always have a preconcieved paranoia that everyone dislikes me, is suspicious of me, or is judgemental towards me. at this i turn myself off- always. i don't talk. no eye contact (it is painful). all of this comes from insane insecurity and translates into "bitch." so i am a bitch.
i wish i knew how to be jovial, light-hearted, free spirited. it is so foreign to me. i wouldn't even know where to begin. i would like to be a more free spirited individual but i feel trapped by work/school. is there a way to learn happiness within the confines of this entrapment?
also, i am not sure i can feel happy when i don't feel like i trust people at all. i am waiting for them to fuck me over. how can i feel authentically generous and care free when i think the world is out to get me?
not to mention it is hard to be happy when it gets dark so early. god damn. i hate this shit! it's so depressing.
i am a jaded, callous bitch. i am not a barrel of laughs or fun to hang out with. it was something i never learned to be. i was not conditioned to be fun or joyous as a kid. i was not treated that way.
i don't necessarily want to be a bitch but it's the only way i know how to act anymore. if i really wanted to i suppose i could try to be more conversational toward people but i don't feel like it is worth wasting my energy (and it takes a lot of energy for someone with SA). i have grown to dislike people in general and usually don't give them much of a chance. sad but true. it is kind of a "get them before they get me" mentality. i always have a preconcieved paranoia that everyone dislikes me, is suspicious of me, or is judgemental towards me. at this i turn myself off- always. i don't talk. no eye contact (it is painful). all of this comes from insane insecurity and translates into "bitch." so i am a bitch.
i wish i knew how to be jovial, light-hearted, free spirited. it is so foreign to me. i wouldn't even know where to begin. i would like to be a more free spirited individual but i feel trapped by work/school. is there a way to learn happiness within the confines of this entrapment?
also, i am not sure i can feel happy when i don't feel like i trust people at all. i am waiting for them to fuck me over. how can i feel authentically generous and care free when i think the world is out to get me?
not to mention it is hard to be happy when it gets dark so early. god damn. i hate this shit! it's so depressing.