Are people capable of change?

[cowboyup]

I was talking to my NY friend and he said he doesn't think so.

I know I have my problems. I know sometimes I am awkward. But he described me in a way that kind of makes me feel like I would like to change - not drastically, but just tweaks here and there, if that makes sense.

He said that sometimes I am quirky, a bit batty, awkward, etc. but when I am not in a 'mood' or moody, I can be quite an amazing person. But also he accepts that and isn't going to try to change me, he says. Granted, there is NO person in this universe that doesn't have some kind of quirkiness, problem, etc. - I understand that but I feel inferior and I know I should not let someone else make me feel that way.

I don't want to place blame on any single thing and as we all have our stories to tell that helped to a degree shape who we are today, I would not say, "this or that is solely responsible for my behavior"

From a young age (too young) I found myself taking care of others - so my social skills are not quite up to par, but I believe with some help, reading, therapy, whatever, I could be a more 'stable' person.

This 'friend' in NY is the epitome of COTU (center of the universe) kind of person. I am finding some things that he says to be quite narcissistic, vain, ego-centric. At work, he said he took charge and people just can't believe how he is changing everything and is wowed by him. Then, he went to a meetup and realized that everyone was asking him things, and was like the go-to guy. Anyhow, that's just a couple small things, but I am sure a lot of us know people like that. At any rate, I know I have a different, sardonic kind of humor yet I do know how to reign it in when needed. I am a level-headed person when I work, so I do have good qualities but this guy makes me feel like he just picks apart my short-comings. I am sure it is not like he doesn't have any....

So, aside from drastic changes, do you think people are capable of change, whether it be small changes, tweaks, learning how to be better in social situations (social skills), etc. or is it just that and there is nothing that can be done?

for some reason this was kind of hard for me to articulate ....hope you understand!

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I think most people are capable of being better human beings. I also think social skills can be learned and enhanced. But, for some of us it is more neurologically based. For example, most people with Apsergers will always have trouble with eye contact.

It's a matter of doing the best with what you have. I'm also socially awkward but I also tend to be wittier than most people I meet. There's a lot of areas where I excel and shine and others I don't.

I guess it's also a matter of loving and accepting yourself (I'm horrible at this!). You're obviously very funny and intelligent. I've seen a picture of you before, so I know that you're attractive. Just based on that, you're light years ahead of most people.

You seem to talk about this guy a lot. Pardon me for saying, but it's almost like your world (partly) revolves around his. You're an attractive and witty woman. It's about time people start revolving around you. I think you should go to some meetup.com groups. Build a nice circle of friends that you see in person on a consistent basis.

 

[cowboyup]

I think most people are capable of being better human beings. I also think social skills can be learned and enhanced. But, for some of us it is more neurologically based. For example, most people with Apsergers will always have trouble with eye contact.

It's a matter of doing the best with what you have. I'm also socially awkward but I also tend to be wittier than most people I meet. There's a lot of areas where I excel and shine and others I don't.

I guess it's also a matter of loving and accepting yourself (I'm horrible at this!). You're obviously very funny and intelligent. I've seen a picture of you before, so I know that you're attractive. Just based on that, you're light years ahead of most people.

You seem to talk about this guy a lot. Pardon me for saying, but it's almost like your world (partly) revolves around his. You're an attractive and witty woman. It's about time people start revolving around you. I think you should go to some meetup.com groups. Build a nice circle of friends that you see in person on a consistent basis.

Thank you, I appreciate the compliment
Yes, I do tend to talk about this person quite often. I don't think it's so much my world revolves around him, but I do have quite a lot of contact with him, and though we're just friends, I think we kind of connect in a weird way in that I know he has some deep seeded problems of his own, (like who doesn't) and thus we feed off each other, if that makes sense.

But I do agree, I need to get out more - perhaps a meetup would be apropos

You bring up good points, I appreciate your input

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

.........Did you ever have a crush on this person or does he have one on you? It would make sense as you both are close and share a lot with another. I've been in that situation before.

Sorry. WAAAAAY off topic. Feel free to ignore.

 

[Kiwong]

I changed physically for the better out of necessity. I'm still much the same person, my anxciety hasn't imporved alot. I changed for the worse when I developed anxiety when I was over 40 years old. So I think circumstance can change people, for better or for worse.

 

[cowboyup]

.........Did you ever have a crush on this person or does he have one on you? It would make sense as you both are close and share a lot with another. I've been in that situation before.

Sorry. WAAAAAY off topic. Feel free to ignore.

Well if he did, I was oblivious to it, lol!
I never did, he was just someone who I could hang out with without feeling so out of place, ya know?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

^That makes sense. Hard to find those kind of people.

 

[mikebird]

COTU has a good reason, where others don't understand that person or are willing to accept them. That is the root. I had a reasonable life. I noticed a slow progression of all people to walk away from me and turn their back. They might have seen a COTU person but I started the right way; I adapted to suit others - employers, and relationships, and always with a hand to lend

When locked out by the rest of the world, narcissism? It's a natural defence. I'm sure there's a balance for anyone (50:50)

The person you mentioned has been an inspirational one just the same, who I met a few years ago, in a big stage of flux. He linked me to strangers in the street instantly, as his underdog. Those now see me with a quizzical frown, now he's gone. I don't expect to meet again. He's someone I've been on holiday with. I made a fool of myself at his wedding. Years ago. It's taken until now to realise he had a big story to tell to me and anyone in the street. Teenagers liked him. I think of my story, hunting for positive, amusing aspects. I can't really do it his way; I'm more a complainer. My most common phrase for anyone with a problem is "stop moaning!" and it usually goes with a giggle from them

I'm about to be excited about my employment chances being turned upside-down, but shouldn't expect glory. I'm embedded in my belief of effort vs luck. However hard I push my effort, nothing will happen until you get a smidgen of luck at the drop of a hat. Waiting for a person with any willing

My scientific gathering of experience & evidence of people has guided me. I'm hoping for compromise. Openness. Win-win? Capitalism or otherwise? I think laws should be adaptable. raying::bowing:

 

[Flanscho]

Depends. Slowly over the course of decades: sure. After a sudden traumatic experience: yes. Otherwise: I don't think so.

 

[squidgee]

I think we are capable of making changes to our own lives and probably the lives of others, its just that it usually takes a tremendous amount of effort to induce that change. Making changes in your own life is usually about forming good habits and getting rid of bad ones, we are reluctant to bring about these changes because we don't know whether we will be successful or not and because we are so used to our current way of life whether we like our current situation or not. Voluntarily bringing about drastic changes is difficult, but not impossible.

Just my view on this topic.

 

[laure15]

People can change depending on what they want to change. Some people want to change their attitude but not their habits. Some people want big changes while others opt for small ones.

 

[cowboyup]

Thanks for all the replies. Gives me a better perspective - or rather an outside the box thinking on the subject, and you all gave great insight!

(is this where I say, good job, you pass?)
lol - sorry I re-read my reply ... h:

 

[Silatuyok]

Certainly people change, whether intentionally or inadvertently or completely against their own will...if people never changed, there would be no such thing as literature (or art or music or movies for that matter). There would be nothing to write about. Change is inevitable.

 

[hardy]

I know a person who was angry as hell and transformed himself to be a loving,kind person...if you look at history,i am sure it's full of such examples. It is said, DURING THE TIME of Buddha, there was a murderer(named angulimal) who became an enlightened person. He killed 999 people before he met Buddha and his knowledge.

It's about cultivating what we learn(putting things into practice even if it's very very difficult in the beginning).....it's not easy though.....but i think i am definitely not as ignorant as i once was.

 

[cowboyup]

I know a person who was angry as hell and transformed himself to be a loving,kind person...if you look at history,i am sure it's full of such examples. It is said, DURING THE TIME of Buddha, there was a murderer(named angulimal) who became an enlightened person. He killed 999 people before he met Buddha and his knowledge.

It's about cultivating what we learn(putting things into practice even if it's very very difficult in the beginning).....it's not easy though.....but i think i am definitely not as ignorant as i once was.

Thanks, Hardy, I like that...

 

[Ithior]

I thought I was capable of change. But today I realised that maybe I can't after all. I can change momentarily but I can't keep that change for the rest of my life.

What made me realise this was that I've been wanting to talk to this girl for a while now. I had good opportunities before but I didn't take them. It's always the same: the day before and even in the day itself I tell myself "If I see her alone walking by or something like that, I'll go talk to her" but I never manage to do it. After the last opportunity (this morning) I still had a class and during it I thought that "Hell, I've got nothing to lose. This is my last semester here. If my friends make fun of me, it's only going to be for a couple of months. If I make a fool of myself I only have to deal with it for a couple of months. After I finish my degree I will probably never see these people again, I don't have anything to lose. I should do it as soon as possible, I can't keep obsessing over this."

But even with that thought, I think I'm still going to keep the same behaviour. I just can't bring myself to momentarily ditch my friends and go talk to a girl I never talked to before. I just think that I'll make a fool of myself in front of her and my friends and that my friends will make fun of me. And I just can't deal with that.

I didn't want to reach this conclusion but it looks to me that I'm not capable of change.