anxiety while having sex

[Toomuchfear]

Hi.
I have had some major anxiety problems in this area before. I find if I'm with a woman who is beautiful, I will not 'perform' as well as I can. With not so attractive women it is easier, sometimes enjoyable, but never fully comfortable. In the case of an attractive woman, she woman will tell me everything is "Ok, not to worry" but in my head I am self-destroying myself, I try to relax, enjoy the moment, but I can't. I feel that I am not good enough for her, that she thinks I'm a failure and it will eat away at me until I am shell of what I used to be. I find it very awkward in the morning after!

Even thought I'm lucky to get into this situation in the first place, when it happens it destroys me.

So in answer to your question, it does happen to some of us, and it can be a bad experience!

 

[Felgen]

dose this happen to anyone else? i dont know if this is the right topic or not, but i just wanted to see what you guys thought, and if so, how do you get over it? or do you just stop completely while in the moment? i cant seem to enjoy myself as much anymore because of this.....help

I have this problem as well. Hope you'll find a solution.

 

[Hastings & Main]

No worries. You didn't offend anyone .

You're not alone with sex-anxiety. Mine mainly came from constantly worrying if I was pleasing her enough or properly. Tough to enjoy and relax with what should be a person's most intimate moment (well, more than a moment, I'd hope, but you know what I mean).

Perhaps you could focus on the fact that if the person is willing to be naked with you, then everything is looking, feeling, and working great!

 

[dottie]

so true. males do have it worse in this arena.

 

[nicole1]

Not during. Possibly before... I'm a bit nervous about that step and I actually put it off for a while b/c of that. And I'd been single for some time b/c of that.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Not trying to turn this into a "guys have it worse than women" thread, but I think guys have it worse than women in this case. A lot of guys have hangups on their stamina and size, and whether the woman is really enjoying herself. Like was said, we might not obsess about it during the act, but I'd guess it's crossed every man's mind at least once in awhile. Women don't have to worry about any of these things.

The reason I bring this up is to point out that if you're anxious, the guy is probably even more anxious (unless he's just a total douche and only worries about getting his). I think most guys would agree that women have total power in the bedroom, and I think all guys need as much, if not more, validation when it comes to sex, than do women about how they look. Plus, let's be honest: is there anything more hideous on the human body than testicles? Even a guy with a shredded body looks absolutely ridiculous naked.

Off-topic: I'm shocked it took coyote 11 minutes to respond to a thread about sex. Need to get yourself an iPhone asap. They have an app that notifies you whenever someone posts a sex-related question on the Internet.

I agree and don't necessarily disagree but have a tiny different take on some of this - first, we're also sampling for a size of people who have more self-image and anxiety issues and are more sensitive; which frankly is better than 'wham bam bang cyas later guys' who are just in it for a booty call. (not that that sort of mutual casual sex is bad, but yeah).

Most guys need validation definitely, HONEST validation good or bad but that's true for both. And there's a lot of anxiety and pressures about "size" and pleasing the girl a lot more than the reverse, lets face it, guys are pleased quite easily, BUT hopefully for many guys much/most of the pleasure is how they're pleasing their partner and the mutual experience - and well... "stamina"... aka imo lasting a little longer than like, doing the world news in 1 minute kinda experience. At least should be the goal of most guys =) But this is big pressure too =D

That's mainly where a guys anxiety comes from... forget testicles, but joystick size affects all guys and confidence for reasons above. It's pounded into our heads that size matters and all that, and I mean can't not see all the phallic symbols out there. =)

I think women and guys just have different anxieties and pressures, I wouldnt say one has it "worse" than the other and rank them, that kind of belittles the other's anxieties etc.... gotta understand both sides, because it IS different that's where conflict and confusion come in.

And there's far more sexual abuse of women than men... so "women have all the power in the bedroom" I get what's being said with a genuine caring dude yeah, and guys are expected to "lead" usually 0 but there are tons of not so those dudes...

Now I am not one to be talking about sex lol... but that's what I worry about... or would.

 

[lunarla]

yes because i feel i'll get too emotionally attached or something.. it should be enjoyed though.

Yeah, I'd kinda worry about that too. That I'd get too attached. Or be not at all attached. Naivity? I think I feel like this because there's no one in particular that I want to be with like that anymore. Just kinda in sexual frustration limbo, ha.

 

[coyote]

I don't know that "size" is necessarily the issue that leads to anxiety, but rather performance - i.e. is my state of arousal and functioning thereof pleasing to my partner?

the irony is that the second any doubt or anxiety creeps in, arousal is immediately diminished - which makes me more anxious, which leads to more loss of arousal, etc.

so the only way to obtain the level of arousal/performance that I worry about achieving is to forget about it completely and get lost in the moment

it's the Tao of sex - the more you let go, the more you have

oh, I think women have it just as difficult as men - their arousal/response (or lack of it) is simply manifested in a different way and can cause just as much frustration for both partners

 

[Hottie]

Sex for me is quite difficult. Usually because i have a drink & drug dependancy problem i am usually on one or the other, this helps me.

As well because i havnt been in a serious relationship, i am dreading when it comes to the sexual relationship with my partner - sober.

There has been very few times i have been sober and when i am sober, i am full of anxiety and worry about my performance. But i think if i can find someone who i am really into and really trust i think that my anxiety levels will reduce.

It is an area i even find difficult to discuss...

 

[GoBlue72]

Someone's going to have to remind me. What is sex again? ;

 

[NVN]

I think that is a problem I could deal with. Not likely I will ever have to worry about it since... well...

Doomed.

 

[***deleted***]

I've only had one partner that I was not uncomfortable with.
Knowing that I'll be uncomfortable makes me not even want to try until I've dated someone for a long time, which is hard for me to do.
You are lucky you have someone that understands you, and accepts you.
Maybe you should do with out for a while and then you'll be so eager you'll forget about being nervous

 

[BlackPuma]

Someone's going to have to remind me. What is sex again? ;

I wannna saaaaayyy... a brand for a laundry detergent?.. :O

 

[Danfalc]

Sex is one of the few situations which I don't get anxious with, I actually find it helps me to be more secure around the person afterwards. For me it takes a lot of trust to sleep with someone In the first place but afterwards Idk..I guess I feel it strengthens the bond as cheesy as that may sound.

Though I am 25 now and have had a few serious relationships, anxiety definitely affected me when I was younger. I actually lost out on chances and relationships with girls because I was too hung up on my anxiety and it made my sex life crap for a few years. But the worst thing about it for me wasn't the missed relationships, but when I was In a happy relationship, it felt horrible not being able to relax and be intimate with the person I cared about.

It's one of those things, once it creeps into your head, it kinda ruins the whole experience. And it's very hard to push it to the back of your head. What really helped me overcome it was being open with my partners, and I just took it slow. Don't pressure yourself over it, or be hard on yourself if you have set backs.

 

[Danfalc]

Women don't have to worry about any of these things.

I don't know you know, I do agree with you on a lot, there is a lot of pressure on guys, I think all guys especially when they are less experienced worry about size and performance. Also a lot of the time the guy is expected to take control which again, if you don't have much or any experience is more pressure.

But :: I think women are judged very much by their appearance, by the media, by guys and even by other females and just society In general. I can imagine some feel just as insecure as us guys when it comes to sex when it comes to their body and appearance (Boob size for example, there are a lot of guys who bang on about this so I can imagine a lot of girls feel insecure if they feel they dont measure up to some guys expectations :

 

[Hastings & Main]

^ I hate very much that women have to get this pressure and feel insecure about that kind of thing.

Men's heads will swivel when a thin but busty girl walks by, but a cool car will drive by just afterwards and our heads will follow that. Then we walk past a construction sight and it's like, "Cooool machinery...". I think that sums it up.

Personally, I like all body types and shapes. With the plus-size revolution happening - not to mention the constant rise in popularity of burlesque shows - hopefully body-image-anxiety will eventually bite the dust.

 

[coyote]

^not to mention - it's really hard for a guy to see all the faults a woman thinks she has with her own body when it's kinda dark and they're laying so close to one another

 

[agoraphobickatie]

^not to mention - it's really hard for a guy to see all the faults a woman thinks she has with her own body when it's kinda dark and they're laying so close to one another

exactly, lol.. this is the setting i try to keep so that i don't feel so insecure and self conscious

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Like beens said, it's not which sex has it worse, both have equally pressure building and insecurities and anxieties that are somewhat different; not more or less than the other. Understanding where each sides coming from only can help perhaps alleviate some anxiety. In theory =D

 

[Wanderlust]

sex!?!!??! omg... haha
ummm...ya so i'm a 21 year old girl and still a virgin (lollllllll!) sad but true. never even kissed a guy. okay except once when i was 11 and made out with my moms disgusting drug dealer but does that count? lol
not that i havent had opportunities or been asked out on dates, but i'll do everything in my power to avoid them. everytime i get hit on by a guy i have to tell him im a lesbian (even though im not) just to get out of the situation lol

but yea...um sex for me is never gonna happen. that is just a far, distant, unattainable dream & its all my own fault grrr...

but anywayyy you have nothing to be self conscious about, you're completely gorgeous!