Och aye the noo

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Wish the pain in my legs would go away - another sign that my cerebral palsy is getting worse. :sad:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Sorry, if this gets too depressin, by the way. It's just hard not to think about my disability and how much of a struggle life is with it. Then there's the terrifying thought of things getting to a point where ending it all would be an option. Not gonnae lie, it's crossed my mind a lot in the past 10 years. And ah know, it'll git tae that point eventually... But not yet.
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
^Good response. What's wrong with laughing in a hospital of terminally ill people? It might lighten the tone just a little.

That is a tough prospect to face in the future, Graeme
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
^Good response. What's wrong with laughing in a hospital of terminally ill people? It might lighten the tone just a little.

That's what I thought at the time. Though, in the past 5 or so years, since age 20, ah feel like ah've slowly lost ma sense uh humour. :sad: Which is quite depressing...

That is a tough prospect to face in the future, Graeme

It's a tough prospect tae face at the moment, Kiwong. Since ah cannae do much tae stop ma cerebral palsy gittin' worse. Plus ma CP does factor intae ma depression. Sorry, it's no' summit ah like talk aboot too often. Coz ah've come tae realise lately, whenever ah open ma mouth and words flow they come out wrong. So best tae keep quiet, in my experience.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Got writer's block - huv'nae a clue whit tae write aboot. Depressed as a result. Also, ah've been huvin' self-doubt aboot maself, ma sense uh humour, etcetera. :sad: :kickingmyself:
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
***Hugs***

as for writers block, maybe write about something you love deeply and why? Can even be something simple like a food or a sensation. Just an idea.

feel better soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
3 out of eight.

Way-hay! :thumbup:

And my mother's stepmother was a Murray.

Do I need pills for that?

Firstly, havin' a Murray in yer family - unfortunately that incurable. Same wi' bein' of Scottish decent. So ye huv ma sympathy. :sarcastic:

Just kiddin'... it's a buckin' laugh. Coz Scottish folk say the funniest, daftest things.


For example: "Rome wuz'nae built in a day, but it feel doon awfy quickly". That one-liner is credited tae ma mum. So if ye laughed that, ya huv the same surreal sense uh humour as ma muther. :bigsmile:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Writer's block still persisting. Or is it ma depression, anxiety n' low confidence issues that are causing ma sudden block in creativity - or is it summit mair subconscious? Hmmm.... :thinking: Like fear... Fear of rejection, fear of being embarrassed. Y'know... the "Oh f**k, whit're they gonnae think uh me?" sydrome.

Mind you, ah think that wuz forced upon me by ma overprotective muther. Y'know the whole "Jist agree and keep the peace". Mibbe that's why ah play dumb tae those older than me, which is a lot easier when yer blessed wi' a handsome face like mine. But ye dinnae smile much - again, also me. And ah usually end up sayin' summit stupid or "funny" at some point. So tae keep that fae happenin', ah over-use the phrase "Ah don't know..." - which comes in handy fur most questions, by the way.

Ah know, am introverted. Buckin' great, innit?

As well as the cop-out expression: "[short pause] ... It doesnae matter. It's no' important" Because as y'know, bein' difference is frowned upon, especially in the drunken, racist, friendly culture ah grow up in. Not bein' intae sport or gan oot and gittin' shit-face drunk on the weekend. Ah know am borin'...

Hard tae live yer life when ye huv tae live up tae other folk expectations; it's harder living up tae yer own. As well as being labelled - be it; "weird", "anti-social", "freak", "stuck-up". Ooops! am jist rambling on - nae reason fur this post, really. As ye can probably see articulatin' ma thoughts doesnae come easy tae me and am usually wrong most of time. So, there ye go... Naebuddy perfect.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
SCOTTISH STAR WARS - YouTube
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^ A lotta youse will'nae understand a word uh this... But ah wuz in f**kin' tears wi' laughter.
laught16.gif
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Prime Minister David Cameron paid a wee visit tae the secondary school ah use tae attend yesterday. Lockerbie Academy. Though, ma memories that place are no' exactly positive - it wuz a sh*tehole, in ma opinion.

Ah tell ye mair aboot it, once ah find that photo uh me when ah wuz made school prefect - a hall monitor, basically. Or tae give it actually meaning: Prefect - a senior pupil who is authorized to enforce discipline. And that wuz'nae me coz ah wuz too lazy tae enforce.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Huv'nae been doin' to well as of late. Ultimately, lettin' ma depression, self-doubt and other confidence destroying issues git the better uh me. :sad: Ah've kinda gave up tryin' tae... Well, ah feel like giving up altogether. Since ma family huv'nae got any empathy fur how much ah struggling everyday.

Ye see... It's no' easy livin' wi' a physical disability. Quite depressing, actually. Especially when ye consider, in ma case, death would've been a better outcome. Ah know that isnae a nice thing tae say, but it's true. But most days the physical pain can be so overwhelming, it's unbearable - but ah somehow manage tae fight through it withoot complainin'. Sorry, just rantin'...
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
:sad: I hope you're feelin better soon

Ah will be eventually... It's just difficult tae not let stuff git ye doon, y'know.
Doesnae exactly help ma feels of isolation and loneliness when ah cannae even comprehend what ma life's like on a daily basis. But then, ma 10 year old cousin's the only other member of the family that has cerebral palsy - though no' tae the same extent as me. Or, let's just say, it's not as noticeable as it is with me.

Also, startin' tae realise that am a complete arsehole - like most introverted people (Well that isnae true, it's just me, really). :sarcastic: Ironically, ma family think rather highly of me, which more than ah can say fur masel'. But then that's what huvin' self-esteem issues and depression'll do tae ye.

Ah think the maist difficult thing aboot huvin' a physical disabilty is the fact some people always assume yer stupid and retard. And ye dinnae exactly integrate intae society - ah certainly huv'nae found ma place. And it's a lot harder to make and maintain friendships. Sorry, if this git too depressin', by-the-way... Just speakin' fae ma ain experience.

Am gan through a pretty bad depression at the moment - naebuddy tae talk to aboot it. Plus, everytime ah open up tae family, ah jist get telt tae shut up or tae ignore it. That's how stigmatised depression is, but, of course ah come fae a culture that... Well, we're no' really ones for talkin' aboot our feelin's openly wi' each other. Ah mean, for example, if ah dinnae say much, there's summit wrong? Ah've never understood the connection between silence and somethin' being wrong, masel'... But then, ah dinnae really talk much.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Ah honestly wish ah hud'nae been born with a physical disability... Naebuddy should huv tae go through the pain ah feel on a daily basis. Wish ah could just end it all... Since there are very few things in ma life still worth living for.

Ye would think family? But with the exception of a few cousins and ma mum, ah cannae stand being around them. Ma oldest sister constantly tells me what to do... Which is annoying. Ah just agree because am a pushover.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
I am an awful, horrible person - to be around, and in general. :sad: Being born with cerebral palsy hasn't made ma life easier... In fact, ah feel like a burden to those around me. Ah'd would've been better off dying at birth, because ma life has been a constant struggle for day one. And ah gave up long ago...
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
What the f**k is wrong with me? :kickingmyself: Let's see...

I'm not friendly... What else? Naw, that's about it. Oh, and boring...

Ah wish ah hud some control in ma life - like makin' ma own decisions. Instead of constantly being told what to do, pressured intae social interaction when am deeply uncomfortable. But ah often feel ah huv tae just tae feel accepted, or not disappoint people, more to the point.
 
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