How are you feeling?

Good to hear you’re doing well, Kiwong. :thumbup:

Kiwong said:

And the summer that had begun so long ago had ended, and a fall. And Boo Radley had come out.

To Kill a Mockingbird

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Kiwong said:

Having a stroke was an extravagant way of breaking the back of my anxiety, but it has made a change for the better I nearly lost everything, but have regained my sanity. And all the things I feared losing are coming back. It is so much like a rebirth.

The anxious me I sometimes saw as Boo Radley, and I have watched the ending of To Kill a Mockingbird several times.

Like Boo I have come out, and am reverting back to the me I was before anxiety and panic began to rule my life some 18 years ago

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That is a profound statement to read, Kiwong! :thumbup:
I am so glad to read that you have made so much progress - even if it was inspired by an unusually effective way - in overcoming your anxiety and panic.
Well done, Kiwong!

(um...., does that mean you will no longer be coming into SPW anymore, now you have overcome your anxiety and panic? :thinking

Hungry




——

The 'good' in our society these days only comes about if it's a hashtag movement, or posted on Facebook (I call it Fakebook). It's pathetic.

MollyBeGood said:

Hungry




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Hey Molly!!

Seriously fked up.

I want to die. But too afraid to do it because of the pain I'd cause to those close to me.

I have such LOVE for the universe.. it's hard to put into words..I feel so connected to it on a universal scale.. the universe and it's workings are so beautiful... we as a species have such potential.. but I have such disdain for our fellow humans.. We are such a pathetic excuse for life.. as a species..
I don't know... maybe in the future we will overcome our internal squabbles..and move forward.. I doubt it.
I know it wont be in my time. So why the FK am I here?

Got the house to myself for a few hours... again. But there's not that same sense of peace about it, as there would had I been alone for at least week. :sad:

Starting to wonder if getting a place of my own will even happen? :idontknow: And if I do get one, I'll just be shamed into not taking it. I know I will. As that's the go-to argument against me by my mother every time. That's probably why my ability to make my own decisions is so impaired? h: Can't do right by myself without doing something wrong in her eyes.

Also I think my oldest sister is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear when it comes to my musicality? :question:

I'm such a dork. I guess I should embrace it, but it's tough when you look Wyoming and feel Wisconsin.

I took my two aunts to the beauty parlor today and let it never be said that there's a situation I can't turn into a Chinese Fire Drill. I'm just soooooooooo socially inept, it's ridiculous.

BlueDays said:

Hello Phoenixx :greeting:
That is really not fair that your mother keeps involving you in her marriage troubles, that you said have been going on for 10+ years!

If she is doing nothing to leave that kind of situation after all that time, then I would just explain to her that you are tired of hearing her complaining about the abuse for 10+ years. Tell her that if she won't leave him, then she can no longer weigh you down with her troubles, over and over again, anymore.

Your mother can't accuse you of not caring, because you have been listening to the same stuff for so many years now!

You say your brother is wrapped up in his own life, well why has your mother not required him to step up and give some support to her, like you have been? Why has she left him alone, and placed the whole burden on YOU?
Maybe you should suggest to her that she only vent to your brother from now on, and let him take a turn for the next 10 years.

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I have told her before that she needs to do X and Y and Z and everytime that I do I get the typical excuse as to why she can't. I have told her multiple times after this response that I don't know what else to tell her and that I'm sick of hearing about the same crap over and over.

I think I need to have one of those touchy-feely talks, as much as I don't want to. I have a hard time bringing up these things. Talking feelings with my parents is like walking on a floor made of eggshells and not knowing whether there's foundation under that floor or there's just a huge hole of nothingness. With my mother, misery seems to love company and there seems to be nothing I can say to make anything better or to help her, but then once the "issue" has passed, everything is "fine" and she's back to joking around and ignoring her problems. I'm very much a problem-solver kind of person, I never rest if I have an issue I need to figure out, so how she lives in that cycle is beyond my understanding because I am being driven insane just seeing it.

I had to come to my parents this weekend to stay as I have a wedding to go to that's nearby. It's a 2 hr drive for me. My brother called me on my way here and we talked nearly the whole ride about our parents. Apparently he's all angry now that he's "just finding out how bad things are." mg: (Mind you, he lives in another state over 8 hours away, but has visited a handful of times since moving) That "no one told him anything" despite all the signs being big, bright neon flashing lights. Don't you love it when someone finally pulls their head out from hole in the sand they buried themselves in?

I will give him some credit though. For how much my brother talks on the phone with my mother, I guess she doesn't... "indulge" if you will, about her issues like she does me. Why that is, I don't know. Maybe because I live closer? Maybe it's because I don't bother getting my panties in a wad and threaten to come there to straighten things out?

Eeeesh family. Ughhhhhh......

It's quite difficult to find the words when you've been constantly and let doon so often by those who say they love ye. :sad: And you git blamed for that. :kickingmyself:

It seems the women in my family don't like taking responsibility for their wrongs. :thumbdown: Which is great when ye outnumber the youngest and only male in the family 3 on 1 #. And aw they need to do is start playing victim. Cuz I'm the bully, I'm the bad guy then, if I call them out for wronging me. But when I wrong them and apologise for my mistake, ah never hear tha bloody end of it !

Though the only thing worse is the fact you cun only rely upon yersel' as a result of that. Being burden with that on top of having to care for a parent who's too effin' lazy to take care themselves... It aw becomes a bit too much after awhile. :crying: Ah wish ah could book a month's holiday n' just pack up n' f*ck off somewhere else whenever ah felt stressed oot and in need of a break.

Graeme1988 said:

It's quite difficult to find the words when you've been constantly and let doon so often by those who say they love ye. And you git blamed for that. :kickingmyself:

It seems the women in my family don't like taking responsibility for their wrongs. :thumbdown: Which is great when ye outnumber the youngest and only male in the family 3 on 1 #. And aw they need to do is start playing victim. Cuz I'm the bully, I'm the bad guy then, if I call them out for wronging me. But when I wrong them and apologise for my mistake, ah never hear tha bloody end of it !

Though the only thing worse is the fact you cun only rely upon yersel' as a result of that. Being burden with that on top of having to care for a parent who's too effin' lazy to take care themselves... It aw becomes a bit too much after awhile. :crying: Ah wish ah could book a month's holiday n' just pack up n' f*ck off somewhere else whenever ah felt stressed oot and in need of a break.

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Sorry that your situation prevents you from being able to get a break from your family troubles, Graeme. (((Hugs)))

Thanks, Blue. That cat pic made me smile, not gonna lie.

Aye... it’s shite how I always seem to be the last yin that my family even considers when it comes to well-being. Since I rarely speak up about how I’m doing. :sad: Then again, my family huv’nae got a great history of genuinely caring when it comes to that sorta thing.

Though, I think my mother might actually care. Despite how she’s treated me in the past. She actually broke down in tears and confessed that I’m the only one of her kids that she feels like she can talk to and gets along with. And our relationship hasn’t exactly been great for 15 years. But, keep in mind, I’ve not said the kinda hurtful shit my sisters have come away within the last year. And I’ve called my mother a c*%^ during our heated arguments.

Nor have I locked myself in the bathroom and cried as I continue to argue. Even though I recently said that it should be me who’s flying off the handle, shouting, swearing and in tears every other day. But I’m not, because I’ve lived with my family long enough to realise that, a fight kicking off over summit as daft as why an out of-date bottle of milk wus flung out... is normal. At least in my family.

Anyway, I’m going up to Edinburgh this coming weekend just for the 2 days - like I did last year. Not nearly long enough for my liking, but it all I get due to the Fringe Festival making accommodation hellish to book. So I’m going to pack my laptop and my little portable USB powered electric piano, work on my instrumental compositions, and take in a couple shows whilist I’m up there. :thumbup:

I really thought this year would be different... :sad:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=s65h3jt6lrs

Sarah_M said:

I really thought this year would be different... :sad:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=s65h3jt6lrs

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Hahahaha...

Sorry Sarah I'm not laughing at you, I've just heard myself say that so many times before.. mg:

PugofCrydee said:

Hahahaha...

Sorry Sarah I'm not laughing at you, I've just heard myself say that so many times before.. mg:

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I have said it at least a million times, too lol. I can't give up, though. I won't. I saw a new therapist today and she's great. I kicked *** at the gym and made a new friend unexpectedly. I have new resources to help me through my problems and as of right now, I'm feeling positive.

Sarah_M said:

I have said it at least a million times, too lol. I can't give up, though. I won't. I saw a new therapist today and she's great. I kicked *** at the gym and made a new friend unexpectedly. I have new resources to help me through my problems and as of right now, I'm feeling positive.

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Literally me while reading your post




Any luck with you-know-who? Not Voldemort.

F0AM said:

Literally me while reading your post

Any luck with you-know-who? Not Voldemort.

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LOL Thanks, F0AM!

Well, you see... I didn't see him for a while, so I thought he quit, but he was there today as I was leaving. I looked super gross and he was busy, so I didn't want to approach him. I'm going again tomorrow, so hopefully I won't embarrass myself lol.

Update on cute guy: He doesn't like me back. Maybe I knew that all along. I mean, working at the gym there are WAY prettier women than me. I'm just gross. :sad:

Sarah_M said:

Update on cute guy: He doesn't like me back. Maybe I knew that all along. I mean, working at the gym there are WAY prettier women than me. I'm just gross. :sad:

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Hey.. I was at the gym this morning. There was a chick there with a (I'm not kidding you) a 100% 10/10 body.. to die for.. and her face wasn't too bad either, quite nice actually. I was like, 'holy c r a p'...

She smiled at me.. but I know she probably wouldn't 'fit me'..

Looks and lust are one thing.. compatibility is completely another.
Would you rather;

1: be in a relationship with an a s s h o l e that looks great
or
2: find that special someone that you connect with on the same level as you?
Laugh at the same things.. be compatible.. make passionate love with each other? be glad to see each other every waking moment?..

If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be...



Stay strong Sarah.. you're a beautiful woman with a great sense of humor
Someone is out there for you... just you

My point is, there ARE guys out there who are looking for their match that go past just looks..

PugofCrydee said:

Hey.. I was at the gym this morning. There was a chick there with a (I'm not kidding you) a 100% 10/10 body.. to die for.. and her face wasn't too bad either, quite nice actually. I was like, 'holy c r a p'...

She smiled at me.. but I know she probably wouldn't 'fit me'..

Looks and lust are one thing.. compatibility is completely another.
Would you rather;

1: be in a relationship with an a s s h o l e that looks great
or
2: find that special someone that you connect with on the same level as you?
Laugh at the same things.. be compatible.. make passionate love with each other? be glad to see each other every waking moment?..

If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be...



Stay strong Sarah.. you're a beautiful woman with a great sense of humor
Someone is out there for you... just you

My point is, there ARE guys out there who are looking for their match that go past just looks..

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Thanks, Pug - you're the best. This made me feel better. I really do want to find the guy for just me and only me. I hope he's out there...