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Old 10-15-2017
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Having suicidal thoughts. I don't know why. I just am.
I want those dangerous thoughts to go away, but the feeling of wishing i were dead remains. Oh well, i'm playing music now (hard rock & stoner metal); that'll probably help, at least a bit, to get me through the night.

Last edited by theslowesthand; 10-15-2017 at 06:21 AM.
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Old 10-16-2017
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Having suicidal thoughts. I don't know why. I just am.
I want those dangerous thoughts to go away, but the feeling of wishing i were dead remains. Oh well, i'm playing music now (hard rock & stoner metal); that'll probably help, at least a bit, to get me through the night.
I often have suicidal thoughts. Along the lines of 'why am I fking here?', or 'what does it matter being here?'.

But I keep on being here in the hope I'll find some form of being content and happiness one day.
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Old 10-16-2017
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Pissed off and really unfocused. But then it's difficult to reading a book when shouty family arguments are happening in the living room, directly below my bedroom. Also, I think I might go deaf, listening to the ambient music via my headphones at above normal decibel levels.

Ah wish ma Mum would yell back to my middle sister like she does with me when we have shouty arguments. Or just do as I did a few months ago, and tut at her and ask if she hears what she sounds like, yelling and shouting like a spoiled brat. Oh wait, she is exactly that... Cuz our Mum does everything for her.
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Old 10-16-2017
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I'm old. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin, sort of stretched, like… butter scraped over too much bread. I feel I need a holiday. A very long holiday. I don't expect I shall return…in fact I mean not to.
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Old 10-17-2017
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I feel fine, my stiff neck is finally working itself out and I'm in a good mood.
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Old 10-17-2017
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Woke up on the wrong side of the bed (anxiety). Had a few beers. Done some novel shit. 100% f*cked. Now i'm thinking how easy it would be to overdose. I wish to god tho that there wasn't a choice.
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Old 10-17-2017
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I'd be happy if I could someday make a living off of swing trading...Even just enough to pay the bills . That would be perfect.



currently only two of my stocks are doing well.

Last edited by AtTheGates; 10-17-2017 at 11:33 PM.
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Old 10-18-2017
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I am so hungry! I am so hungry I am not hungry anymore.
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Old 10-18-2017
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Been talking to myself every unoccupied moment I've had of last few days or so. My dad does it, my grandma did, as well my mother - I think it's going to always be one way my anxiety manifests itself. I'll try to take this as a good thing, as it's an indication that something I'm doing isn't quite right. I know the last week it't been sleep. A lot of nights (this one included) I find myself staying up later than I should, and tiredness (at least for me) is a major enemy of mental health. I get tired, and I find every thought struggling to stay in my head and out of my voice box. If I get more sleep, I'll talk to myself less.
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Old 10-18-2017
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Im feeling really anxious and depressed today. I just feel so defeated in every corner I take. I am always finding good things that may perhaps make good times but everything seems to crumble when I think or react to rug's stuff. Like his cigarette smells and hairspray- just getting close to him gets me sick, then there is everything else and I just dont have the energy anymore to intiate things and be the tourist guide in the relationship anymore. Even when Im doing my bit to make myself happy, then when I meet him and his standards for himself are so low that it bothers me as I used to try to do everything - be on it all because he couldnt do those things himself really but now I jsut want some back but he is in a different unhygneic world to me.
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Old 10-18-2017
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That b*stard black dog is back (depression). I'm struggling to "stay afloat". It's not bad depression, but it's bad enough to affecting me in a bad way (eg thoughts of death). I dare say i'll, as always, somehow make it through to the other side. But i wish i could pin my feelings down to more than just "depressed". I wonder if "stress" has caused it? I have no idea.
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Old 10-18-2017
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I feel like I should just give up any hopes of things ever getting better for me.
Since it's clear that things will never change and I'll never be good enough. Even if were to get a place of my own, I'd still get called every name under the sun for doing so. Cuz that's how my family see me... The selfish, inconsiderate c*nt who only thinks o' himself.
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Old 10-18-2017
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Quote:
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I am so hungry! I am so hungry I am not hungry anymore.
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Old 10-19-2017
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I can only hope next year turns out better for me than this year has. And I'd so much hope that things were gonnae change for the better in my life, too.


It's quite depressing when ya fully realise that the reason yer stuck in a rut is because the toxic people around ye, who constantly underestimating yer abilities, always judging ye and putting you down. Yet, it's odd how my family don't like me doing any of the aformentioned things I just stated to them.
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Old 10-20-2017
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I don't feel i've EVER get out the rut i'm in with life. It's just not gonna happen, as i'm WAY too stuck in my ways & mindset.

Last edited by theslowesthand; 10-20-2017 at 07:12 AM.
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Old 10-21-2017
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For those of you who are really living in the dark, don't ever lose hope that things will get better and don't give up.
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Old 10-21-2017
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I drank a BIG coffee at 2 am, so now I'm wired... and weird.
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Old 10-21-2017
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I've had to endure n' put up with my family's Jekyl n' Hyde nice one minute. I'm fed-up being the only person in my immediate family who handles arguments in a calm, mature manner. And being swore at when I point out how them shouting doesn't help their argument. Or constantly being told to just ignore the shouty arguments. Or them playing the victim, blaming me and giving me the silent treatment whenever I call them on their behaviour. And my mother and older sisters huv the nerve to lecture me about showing them respect when they don't show me that same courtesy.

Last edited by Graeme1988; 10-23-2017 at 12:45 PM.
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Old 10-22-2017
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I think I'd just put my bed on the roof if I were you, Graeme. That kind of shit is like acid for your self esteem... and I would know.
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Old 10-22-2017
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Like life isn't worth living anymore.
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