How are you feeling?

[Nanita]

Horrible.First I'm feeling like I just threw away $1000 I can't afford to repay. I spent the money on art classes that i wanted to take to help me out at a job that i applied for. #2 the job in question, I explained I was only interested in the outdoor position due to not being ok in tight spaces and having strobe lights irritate my damaged retinas. They call me back and say they want me for the indoor part of the job, put on the spot I stupidly agree. I wanted the job as a way to be free of my annoying boyfriend, even if it would only be for the weekends. getting away from his highly repetitive annoying little sounds, constant texting stupid little words he thinks is funny, chewing like a cow, soda chugging, constant early to bed, workout, food routine with no passion or romance and next to no affection (I doubt he knows what foreplay is or that sex is supposed to last longer than 12 seconds) getting away from hime even just for 6 weekends would be wonderful.
But the job they gave me involves close tight spaces, strobe lights and I don't have any depth perception.
I know I'm going to hate the job thanks to them not listening to my request to honor my wishes due to my disability.
so i have a few choices, 1 kindly ask to be placed outside (fat chance) 2 put up with the headaches and claustraphobia of the offered position 3 let the company doown, quit or refuse the job and spend my time with chug, cud7pm bedtime MR. no romance just comic book movies.

Basicly at age 34 I feel I have no options

I'm sorry you didn't get the outdoor position.. I'm really sensitive and I easily get a migraine, I'm sensitive to indoor light, so I can relate to what you're saying.
Maybe it will work out and not be so bad after all??
I pretty much feel like I don't have options either..

 

[defiance]

Every single day is the same misery over and over. So ya basically groundhog day :kickingmyself:

 

[this_portrait]

Two days in a row waking up early. I can go for another, I know I can.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

The peculiar warmth of sadness, curled up inside me like a kitten in a basket near the fire. I've lost so much: music, family, friendship, love, freedom, life. Is it too late to get some of it back? Am I too old now? Too broken? Echoes of a silent sob that no one heard or understood. My tears remind me that I'm alive, but is that enough?

 

[Graeme1988]

The peculiar warmth of sadness, curled up inside me like a kitten in a basket near the fire. I've lost so much: music, family, friendship, love, freedom, life. Is it too late to get some of it back? Am I too old now? Too broken? Echoes of a silent sob that no one heard or understood. My tears remind me that I'm alive, but is that enough?

Ah wonder this myself, especially as ah move more towards another milestone in my years of being alive. Y'know... 18, 25, and so on. Oh Gawd, am old! :crying:

And, ah must say, the opening line of yer post there, Graybeard - beautiful yet poignant. Almost poetic, in a way. Even if the rest o' the post, itself, is rather bleak, but equally relatable. :sad:

 

[Razzlecherry]

Holy shit is it one of those days. It's like pushing all your problems and insecurities under your bed. Eventually it all comes pouring out and you're having a hell of a time pushing it all back under again.

 

[defiance]

The peculiar warmth of sadness, curled up inside me like a kitten in a basket near the fire. I've lost so much: music, family, friendship, love, freedom, life. Is it too late to get some of it back? Am I too old now? Too broken? Echoes of a silent sob that no one heard or understood. My tears remind me that I'm alive, but is that enough?

Well put. As time moves forward I start to see friends and family getting irritated with me because of my inability to move forward in life. If only they knew the daily struggle. But they can't know...they must never know because if they did, I know exactly how all of this will play out and it will be bad.:kickingmyself:

 

[vj288]

I hit an owl driving home from work tonight :: I turned around afterwards because I wasn't sure what I hit, and part of me was hoping it brushed it off and I'd find nothing. Nope. I'll never get used to seeing dead animals, it's just something about it that makes me feel so sad.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I basically stayed in bed all day today, which is something I could never do before. Even when I was down I'd get up and at least watch TV or something.

Now I'll just have my "Bukowski days", where it's like 24 hours disappears under the covers; it's not often, but it is increasing.

I'm so glad I've never really had to fight the urge to drink or use drugs, because then I think I'd really be in trouble; my depression doesn't need any help.

 

[kihira]

Oh no .. I hope you'll feel better soon

Hope you can ride it out and the storm passes

Thanks guys Had a better day today

 

[this_portrait]

Oh, why did I do that? Why did I willingly step into a danger zone? I should know better than to provoke my depression like that. Maybe I'm subconsciously a masochist.

 

[S_Spartan]

This is what it looks like when a person never found their niche. Right here. Seems like everybody else just falls right into theirs.

 

[defiance]

This is what it looks like when a person never found their niche. Right here. Seems like everybody else just falls right into theirs.

never found mine as well. Just floating around in this existence incapable of doing anything really.

 

[defiance]

Every time I write here, it is always the same thing over and over. I want to write that I had a great day and life is wonderful. But what I wish was real and what is actually real are not one and the same. What is real is that I woke up anxious, scared, depressed, angry, and suicidal just like almost every morning. Just waiting to expire. Hopefully sooner rather than later because I get no joy out of life anymore and haven't for a long while. In case the universe is listening, if you feel like taking another innocent person today that had everything to live for well I'll take their place so they can be spared.:kickingmyself:

 

[MollyBeGood]

I cannot believe how stressed I am today.

 

[Graeme1988]

Every time I write here, it is always the same thing over and over. I want to write that I had a great day and life is wonderful. But what I wish was real and what is actually real are not one and the same. What is real is that I woke up anxious, scared, depressed, angry, and suicidal just like almost every morning. Just waiting to expire. Hopefully sooner rather than later because I get no joy out of life anymore and haven't for a long while. In case the universe is listening, if you feel like taking another innocent person today that had everything to live for well I'll take their place so they can be spared.:kickingmyself:

:sad: So sorry that yer wakin' up feelin' like that everyday, defiance. Ah wish ah could say summit tae make ye feel better. But... :idontknow:

 

[defiance]

:sad: So sorry that yer wakin' up feelin' like that everyday, defiance. Ah wish ah could say summit tae make ye feel better. But... :idontknow:

Thanks Graeme. I'm trying to find those words of encouragement as well to give myself hope of some kind...but so far nothing:sad:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

I'm beginning to understand how Michelangelo felt. :kickingmyself:

 

[theslowesthand]

I basically stayed in bed all day today, which is something I could never do before. Even when I was down I'd get up and at least watch TV or something.

Now I'll just have my "Bukowski days", where it's like 24 hours disappears under the covers; it's not often, but it is increasing.

I'm so glad I've never really had to fight the urge to drink or use drugs, because then I think I'd really be in trouble; my depression doesn't need any help

The odd day here and there might be okay, but i strongly doubt giving into the urge more often is going to make your depression ease up; it could in fact get worse, quite a bit worse, take it from me. :thumbdown:

 

[theslowesthand]

Every time I write here, it is always the same thing over and over. I want to write that I had a great day and life is wonderful. But what I wish was real and what is actually real are not one and the same. What is real is that I woke up anxious, scared, depressed, angry, and suicidal just like almost every morning. Just waiting to expire. Hopefully sooner rather than later because I get no joy out of life anymore and haven't for a long while. In case the universe is listening, if you feel like taking another innocent person today that had everything to live for well I'll take their place so they can be spared.:kickingmyself:

Yep, been there, done that, and survived. I guess i'm proof that one can endure being in the absolute pit of misery, hopelessness and despair, and get thru it to the end of the pitch black tunnel.
I can't say exactly in a sentence, or in any amount of words, what can get you out of it, but i can say that beliefs are real, very real, and i'm tempted to say they are actually more real to us than even reality. Perhaps its because they create our reality? So i would say that our beliefs are of the utmost importance. :thinking: