I have been struggling with holiday stress already. My situation is frustrating and I need to vent.
My in laws are hoarders (the really unsanitary kind) and so I have always had all the holidays at our house. In the beginning it wasn't a big deal. I only had a couple kids and was healthy, but as the past 15 years have progressed I have had a total of 5 kids, got lupus and suffer with some pretty sever social anxiety. I am burnt out on holidays. Not only is it physically challenging but financially challenging. We have to clean our whole house, do all the planning, all the shopping, all the cooking, and then the family eats and runs (not before taking leftovers, of course) leaving us with the mess. Then we are up late cleaning it all up. It's frustrating. Since we can't hold any get togethers at the in laws house, it all falls on us. We do every holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's day, Father's day, every birthday, everything.) I put a lot of thought into each party, and a lot of baking and decorating, trying to make everyone's holidays special- often for little to no thanks.
Hubby's sister is finally almost 30 and has a house of her own. We asked her to take a little of the burden off our shoulders by doing a holiday. She refused. I am bitter, I admit it. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like the hired help because they are all visiting in the living room while I slave in the kitchen, and by the time we have eaten and I have a moment to sit down and relax, have a conversation, they run out the door. It's not fun anymore.
I have always loved holidays, but this is making me dread them, and I don't want to let this happen.
I am deciding not to have Thanksgiving this year. They don't know yet. We are going to wait for them to ask, as I am sure they are just expecting to be told when to show up, but not this year. Not going to happen. I feel a little guilty because the little kids deserve to have a traditional holiday with grandparents and I hate to let them down, but the older kids are all in my court as they are stuck helping with cleaning and cooking too, so they are okay with not hosting. We will still have it, just us and the kids, but no other family members. casual and on our own schedule.
Christmas is going to be different too. The last few years I have missed so much because I spend 3/4 my time in the kitchen. I have been so exhausted and stressed that I haven't been able to make it to church (which is important to me.) I won't let it happen this year. This year we will start new traditions. We will open presents slowly over hot chocolate, and share in our small family dinner. Christmas will be ours alone. We will host an evening party the weekend before Christmas, appetizers only. Each person will be responsible for bringing 2 appetizers and we will eat on paper plates. That is it. No sit down dinner.
I have some anxiety surrounding them being upset when they find out, but it has to be done. I think I am more hurt than anything. If I was appreciated, cherished, respected by offers to help- perhaps it wouldn't hurt my feelings so much and giving so much of myself wouldn't seem like such a burden, but it is.
My side of the family isn't any better. I put my foot down with them last year. I had a huge Thanksgiving and when I didn't offer to host Christmas, we just didn't have it. No one else wants to share in the responsibility for keeping family traditions, so F--- it. I will make my own family traditions. It hasn't been the same since my parents divorced 10 years ago anyway. My Dad lives in a different state, haven't seen him in over a year, and my mom ALWAYS chooses to spend the holidays with the boyfriend's (whomever she is currently dating's) family, abandoning my sister, brother and I to try to try to keep the family together. Oh well, I guess I should just let the family dissolve because I am the only one willing to put in an effort to get together. Maybe there is nothing there worth saving.
These jobs usually fall on the shoulders of the matriarchs, the grandmothers who have time to bake cookies and enough quiet to plan parties, not mother's in the throws of child rearing, play dates, sports, homework and laundry.
Okay, I actually feel a little better after typing that out, but I'm still hurt. Feeling unappreciated and unimportant.
I am not going to let this kill my love of the holidays, and maybe after a year without any parties someone will buck up and take a little responsibility? If not, oh well. With social anxiety it's just easier not to do it at all anyway.