Bitter about being unattractive

[KiaKaha]

Attitude and personality? Men who are attractive are lucky enough to have women imagine all of these traits for them. They can quite often go as far as abusing these women and will still be seen as having these wonderful redeeming traits. I'm sorry but none of that is truly observable in real life. Perhaps were you in my shoes you would feel very differently.

Not saying its a rule or anything, there are far too many factors to define and answer what this thread is asking... I am just saying if you are going to be with somebody and develop a substantial relationship with them, then it would make sense to actually like the person on the inside too....would it not? Its not just aesthetics.

But I guess it takes all kinds too..

Perhaps if I were in your shoes... I would see things differently - but then again I could say that about pretty much everything, for everyone, everywhere...

 

[Kiwong]

You know there is a lot I could say here, but all I am going to say is - attitude and personality count for a lot. I dont feel I am particularly good looking either but even I can pull a girl once in a whille.... I can sympathize with how you feel though - but I am gonna keep this short.

In respect to women - its about how you make them feel that counts more than anything else.... I cant imagine too many females staying for very long with a really hot guy that makes them feel bored or bad about themselves.

Stimulate their brain - it works everytime.

Shy Kiwi, I notice that you talk your looks and personality down quite a bit, but the fact you have been able to enter relationships, means you must have more going for you than you think.

I've never entered a relationship, I've not even been able to go close, even on a friendship basis. Too scared to try, and looking at my life and who I've become (mostly attitude), I realise that I shouldn't be in a relationship with someone. It would be like selling faulty goods.

I think it mostly an attitude thing, but also the damage that has been done to me. contributing to this illness. I do not trust people easily.

Lately I've entered into a comfortable independent state, where I am able to enjoy myself without the expectations of others. I feel my best when I've left the intense world of human interaction behind, just me and my simple thoughts pursuing the things I loved.

I've even been able to open up and make friends with some fellow runners, and that is enough for me.

 

[Griffin]

I wouldn't say I'm bitter, but I'm more than a little downhearted about my appearance.

Part of it is my own doing - I'm overweight. Too much eating, not enough exercise. The rest of it is my own self-perception. I have an ideal in my head of how I want to look, and it just doesn't go with what I see in the mirror. Even if I lose weight, get a more stylish haircut, dress well and all of that jazz, I still can't match the picture in my head.

I'm self-conscious about it so I try and hide away. I haven't changed my look or gone for a proper haircut in long time. I dress down all the time so I look like nobody that you would notice - black T-shirt and jeans. I hate the idea of dressing up to go out as I don't think I can pull off any outfit. It feels like I'm a clown wearing a three piece suit.

I sometimes feel upset when people treat me like I'm invisible, but the truth is, sometimes I want to be invisible.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

Attitude and personality? Men who are attractive are lucky enough to have women imagine all of these traits for them. They can quite often go as far as abusing these women and will still be seen as having these wonderful redeeming traits. I'm sorry but none of that is truly observable in real life. Perhaps were you in my shoes you would feel very differently.

Well, that is true to a point. People who are attractive seem to be cut a lot of slack as far as having crappy personalities. But if someone is attractive and they have a horrible personality, they become much much less attractive. When someone who isn't that good looking has an awesome personality, they become much more attractive. It DOES happen and it is possible.

Also, I assure you 300% that the reason people stay in abusive relationships is NOT because they find their partner incredibly attractive.

 

[KiaKaha]

Shy Kiwi, I notice that you talk your looks and personality down quite a bit, but the fact you have been able to enter relationships, means you must have more going for you than you think.

You are probably right.

All of us no doubt have a lot more to offer than we give ourselves credit for... impossibly high standards and expectations is the source of a lot of my anguish.

Perhaps its all or nothing thinking: *If I am not the best looking guy in the room, then I must be ugly.*

 

[SilentBird]

Do you believe the criticism of some people? I do.

 

[Aletheia]

Perhaps its all or nothing thinking: *If I am not the best looking guy in the room, then I must be ugly.*

Astute. I'm prone to this.

 

[ChrisN]

This post really jumped out at me because of my problems, First things first ur not "ugly" atall so lets clear that up.

I have exactly the same problem with my my self appearance, for me i feel like 1000x more confident when i dont feel ugly, instead of tackling the problem, for the last 2 years ive just done literally everything in my power to feel more attractive/confident.

I wont go out if i feel ugly, everything has to be perfect, i use tons of skin products, try to work out atleast 2 hours a day, eat 5 fruit/vegetable a day, its never ending, im getn laser eye surgery when im 20, i even try to take cold showers because ive read its better for you.

It dosnt matter what i do i though, i never feel good looking, im starting to realise that i will never be good enough and that i seriosly need to change my views on my appearence, but its really hard. I dont believe what other people say. For me i think this is the root of all my other problems.

i have no idea if that helped, infact im pretty sure it didnt
I just needed to vent i guess

Your not ugly bud.....your the type of guys I see every Friday night with several girls making me want to **** my bed.

 

[SilentBird]

Feeling ugly is bad enough but also feeling useless does my head in.

 

[ChrisN]

I been call "ugly" all my life until college when no one call me ugly. No one has ever said I was cute or handsome beside people online but I seem to be able to attract pretty women only to end up with a panic attack each and every time, making me no better than anyone else.

I'm quite sick of life because of that fact and the fact that I may end up alone forever.

From your picture OP, your not an ugly guy at all.

 

[Kinetik]

The problem is that too many people here are equating inexperience with unattractiveness. The two are completely unrelated. The fact that you haven't done enough work to find others who validate you and find you attractive says nothing about your actual desirability. Your minds translate "I haven't had any luck with the opposite sex" into "I must be heinous" but again, they have nothing to do with each other. If you spend your days at home on the PC, of course you're not going to get anywhere. The only answer is to get out there and keep trying in the real world. Of course that's easier said than done, but the point is, everyone goes through a number of rejections and failures before they find someone who appreciates them.

A non-anxious person may try to find someone 10 times a year, with maybe 1 success out of the 10. But someone with SA may only have tried 4 or 5 times in their entire life - with a big fat zero to show for it. That's the problem - it's a numbers game, and that is true for everyone. If you don't give yourself more chances, of course you're not going to get anywhere. But understand that it has very little to do with how attractive you actually are.

 

[KiaKaha]

^^ Kinetik this forum would collapse without you...

Recluse... you aint that bad looking... I have just been purusing your pics, you look OK to me... and I aint just being nice either.

 

[Kat]

Everyone is attractive, intelligent, has a good personality to someone. You just have to find them.

 

[NP88]

Honestly you look like an average guy.

Personally when I feel down about my looks I just think how petty that is. Just happy to be somewhat sane, healthy and alive. Everything else is trivial.

 

[new account]

I know what you mean. It makes you feel like everyone thinks you're worthless because of that. People want to bring you down because it cheers them up. Some people love to see others being in pain. They might see that you won't defend yourself since you don't have a lot of friends to back you up, so they see that you can't do much against them by yourself if they offend you. They want to feel superior by making themselves believe that you're worth less than them.

The people responding here don't understand that if someone was called ugly their whole life, it will have lasting effects. If someone had their leg cut off, they might live well and get used to it, but if when they first lost their leg, people started to laugh at him and say cruel things, then can you blame him if he doesn't want to be seen anymore and starts to feel horrible about his missing leg? You can't tell that person "don't feel bad, someone will still like you even with that missing leg." It is true that someone will still be attracted to that person, but you've also got to realize that they are traumatized and they can't just forget it.

Being in mental pain is a real problem, not just someone not being tough enough. It is true that many people will be attracted to him, but he is still damaged with how people have treated him. People don't understand the effects of being mistreated. They don't understand how people look at you and act when they attack you. It's easy to say "don't worry, someone will like you." It's true that someone will, but he will still feel bad for a long time unless he gets a different view towards him with people telling him he looks good for a very long time. If he is always reassured, then he will feel much better and the fear of seeing how people will treat him will start to get weaker. It's easy to tell someone to not care if someone mistreats him once in a while, but if everyone around him mistreats him all the time, then it's not so easy to keep feeling good.

Some people are telling him that girls will like him based on his personality. That's true, but some say he should stop looking down on himself because people will feel it and they will think poorly of him too. Well how can he not look down on himself if that's how he's been treated? A human will base its self image based on how he is treated. He's not a god that is unaffected by human behaviors. How can you expect him to feel better about himself when he has all these bad memories of what people thought of him? If people treated you like you were worthless every day, wouldn't you also feel bad? Is it even possible for someone to feel good if they are treated like that?

It's true that some girls will like him. If some girls didn't like him, he shouldn't think that he did something wrong because he may act the same way towards a different girl and she may love him, but he's still in pain. It's not that tough people aren't affected by this and he's weaker. Tough people pretend to not be affected, but if they were treated badly their whole life, they would be depressed just like anyone else.

It's disgusting how people will mistreat someone and make them hate themselves, and when they grow up and tell someone how they feel about themselves, people say "don't feel so down, it's not attractive to mock yourself. People won't like you if you don't like yourself." Do you understand? You get mocked, grow up and tell people how you feel, and people sort of mock you again for admitting you feel bad for your childhood treatment.

 

[megalon]

It's true that someone can be attractive because of their personality, but what if there is something (such as SA) which prevents said person from expressing their personality in the first place?

 

[ChrisN]

It's true that someone can be attractive because of their personality, but what if there is something (such as SA) which prevents said person from expressing their personality in the first place?

Then you like many of us are screw and life goes on.

@new account

I completely agree with you. People on depression site, anxiety, etc...are so full of themselves sometime i wonder what wrong with their brain. People even counselor act like your suppose to be a god and let no emotion affect you. I find the suppose "helpful" one are the one that are most full of themselves. This is one of the main reason I don't like people because they ignore your problem and tell you it OK even though it far from it.

 

[Waybuloo]

I think I remember you talking in a similar vein ages ago. It seems you have not moved on from your mindset and it's understandable how difficult it may be to overcome your negative thoughts. However, it seems that unless you start liking and loving yourself, nobody will. You could be a dwarf and have a 'normal' woman to love you. Just look at Peter Dinklage. It's all about self belief, self love and attitude. Unless you start to find a way out of this hole, nobody can help you. Nothing wrong with being pasty white. I love pale skin. I think tanned skin looks horrid on most people. Also judging from your pics you are quite good looking indeed. The same has to be said about the second poster complaining about the same subject.

Hey I had people make fun of the way I look, but I also had people complimen me as well. One guy in high school said I was the prettiest girl he's ever seen. Now I think he needed his eyes checked out. The point is on balance there's nothing wrong with me but I let the negative comments dominate my thoughts. Logically, there's as much validity to believe in the good as well as the bad.

The most effective way, for me, to get out of this self hate is to focus on something else.

 

[recluse]

Okay, recluse, I took a look at the pics in your album, and you look really good on some!!

People have different tastes and different perceptions, maybe that girl was just teasing you (or thought you were maybe umm trying to be sleazy? without knowing the context of the pic), or might have such severe bdd herself (and bad manners!!) - or just bad manners!! Sometimes people have a difficult day and just lash out at other people or such...?

Nothing wrong with your nose imo...

In some other threads you wrote about being miserable with life, and around holidays or before birthdays with 'round numbers' or on weekends many people can feel 'miserable'... (at least that has been my experience, and I read about it too)
World situation makes many people 'depressed' so it's no wonder... I have hope in collective wisdom of humanity to find new solutions and 'survive'... (so far we have... and it hasn't been easy sometimes..)

I find that I see myself as more 'attractive' and actually AM more attractive (to other people) when filled with enthusiasm about something (even if it's something very silly, like baking cookies or going somewhere new...) So maybe you could try to find an activity you enjoy or feel good at? Carved any pretty spoons lately?

It might also be helpful to learn a bit about bdd, it was helpful to me...

Actually, most people don't care just about 'looks' so much, it's 'the whole package'... and even if you're eg depressed, people can value your deep thoughts or interests or general character... A lot of people with sp are really NICE and that is VERY valued in the world 'out there' too!!

Poster #2, you look really good too!! (And I'm saying that as an older auntie or sister, just to be clear, as I'm way older than you!)
Sometimes girls can be intimidated by goodlooking guys, or may even compliment someone else's looks (just to avoid attention!) - I know cause I've done it when I was younger, and a girl I know did it to attract a guy's attention (they started dating soon after she praised some football team a lot, cause the guy got jealous and started saying 'what has he got that I don't?' and FINALLY asked her out!!)
(It may not always be so, it CAN be a case though... )

You both and others here look WAY better than Brad Pitt or George Clooney - I canot see what women see in them?? Clooney can be very funny and charismatic - but goodlooking?? huh??

Thanks. I did go through a period of not caring and i was immersed in my hobbies. Over the past two weeks i have been feeling exhausted both in mind and body. I cannot enjoy my hobbies, and i cannot exercise as hard as i was two eeks ago and exercise is something which helps me feel attractive.

 

[recluse]

I'm not bitter. Being unattractive makes me sad, though. I've been ugly since I was a kid and everyone made fun of me all the time because of it. It's the past.

I know that looks are not so important, but my personality only makes things worse, so it doesn't matter that much.

That's the thing, i have very poor social skills so i have nothing to fall back on. I've had girls telling me that i have a nice personality but that only makes me think i am only good as a friend. This in turn has made me bitter hence my personality also becomes unattractive.

Sure you can win over a girl if you have good conversational/social skills but what can you do when you don't even have this!?::