The Deadman Scrolls

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, seeing how creating journals (or anything resembling it) has helped the others on this site, I thought that I could create one; some place where I can get my feelings off of my chest or act as a reminder for events or ideas.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

haha^ great name for a journal!

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Yeah, it was just a play-off from the "Dead Sea Scrolls" (but, I didn't need to tell you that:. But, thanks!

 

[DeadmanWalking]

What have I done with my life; who have I helped with my life? If I died today, would it cause a ripple in this pool called the world? Sure, my family would be sad, but, in a world of 1 million plus families, it seems so miniscule. It feels as if my life lacks a point. I try to move ahead and catch up with everyone, but everytime I open my eyes, the group has moved on ahead and I'm still stuck at the back. I don't want my story to end, but I can't stay here in this world. Hahahaha, I'm such a weakling, aren't I? People are facing worse problems with valor, yet, I'm ready for my end over something minor. For once in my life, can't I do something right?

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Can a person really do something selflessly, without ever thinking of what they can/will get in return? I don't know, but I'm not that person! I thought that made me a bad person, but, now, I'm not so sure; it's not a good thing, though. I guess I've gotten so used to thinking about myself that, now, that's all I can think about. I want to become less selfish, but I suppose that will come with time. But, I'm also very impatient::, so this might take a while! I've got time though.

I also need to work on not comparing myself to others. I'm not them, nor will I ever be, so it's pointless to compare because we each have lived different lives and think differently. I'm not sure if I'm a good person, but I want to believe that I'm not a bad person. As I say, "If everyone tells you something, don't you think that there might be some truth to it?". Well, that's enough typing in this journal; tomorrow will bring even more adventures and experiences that I can type down!

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, having a friend is a weird thing since it is both positive and negative. On one hand, you have someone with whom you can talk, hang out, and, generally, enjoy the presence of. You have someone who can support you and help you when you are down. However, that also means that person can hurt you as well; they've been around you long enough that they know exactly what buttons to push to break you. They become the people who can hurt you the most.

Is it worth it? Opening yourself to others when they could just as easily hurt you as they can help you? I think it is, but that's just because living alone doesn't work for me. I like having people who I can trust and can trust me back; someone who I can turn my back to and know that they won't hurt me. Of course, I'm going to get stabbed sometimes (and I have been before by someone who I cared for dearly, enough to say that what I felt for her was stronger than anything I've ever felt for anyone. I thought that we connected since we were so similar, but I guess not.), but, as long as I can stand up, those wounds will heal and I'll find even better friends. I've lost and gained a lot of friends, but I never regret meeting them because their encounter has bettered me as a person and as a friend.

P.S.: That tangent about "that girl" sounds so embarrassing now that I've looked at it. I really hope she doesn't stumble upon this or else I would just die::! Of course, I'm lucky in that I've hardly seen her recently; of course, that could all change during my Spring term, but I doubt it.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, I had the best worst luck this week! Coincidentally, the word of the day at that time was "paradox"; of course, I'm the living embodiment of paradoxes and contradictions, so this is par for the course for me. I missed more classes than I should have, but I also had a blast from the past. Now, my past and present are starting to intertwine once more and I really need to do something about my feelings. I guess I'm going to deal with them tomorrow. But, shocker, I just caught a cold, so I'm on the fence about doing it. I need the mental fortitude to follow this through to the end and be able to accept whatever ending I get. I don't think I can, or rather I won't allow myself to, falter now. I need an answer to this so I can know whether I can move on or not. God, I hate being a hopeless romantic sometimes! (and some of my friends are getting tired of hearing this, so sorry::!)

 

[Silatuyok]

Well, I had the best worst luck this week! Coincidentally, the word of the day at that time was "paradox"; of course, I'm the living embodiment of paradoxes and contradictions, so this is par for the course for me. I missed more classes than I should have, but I also had a blast from the past. Now, my past and present are starting to intertwine once more and I really need to do something about my feelings. I guess I'm going to deal with them tomorrow. But, shocker, I just caught a cold, so I'm on the fence about doing it. I need the mental fortitude to follow this through to the end and be able to accept whatever ending I get. I don't think I can, or rather I won't allow myself to, falter now. I need an answer to this so I can know whether I can move on or not. God, I hate being a hopeless romantic sometimes! (and some of my friends are getting tired of hearing this, so sorry::!)

dooo iiiiiitttt!!!! ::

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Why does this keep happening? Every time I give my heart to someone, everytime I feel like someone could actually like me, it gets torn to shreds. Why do I put myself through this when the same thing is just going to keep on happening? I hate my emotions; sometimes, I wish that I could kill off my emotions just so that I could stop hurting and being hurt. I should realize by now that no one likes "in that way," so why do I still hope and try, knowing that nothing will come of it? Is it possible to just stop having "those types of feelings"?

I should have seen this coming, but my damn heart blinded me. That stupid thing makes me lose control of my thoughts and screws me up. I thought that things would change, but they didn't and they never will. I need to give up and just take 10 or something; back-to-back rejections really leave a gaping wound on a person. The least she could have done is tell me, "No, I don't like you," instead of acting all kind and friendly, hugging me, and talking to me like she was actually interested in what I thought and felt. God, I feel so stupid for believing that!

Ahahaha! I've whined about this girl for too long; if I told anyone else this, they'd just get fed up with me::! But, that's why I type it here, where no one will ever read it. I hereby dub thee my whining corner!

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Whine all you want here, Deadman~ that's exactly what it's for.

I keep getting told by people to grow a 'thicker skin' - I guess we all need a thicker skin for different reasons.
Although... not even a suit of armor can protect you from every kind of attack.
Sometimes you just get worn down so much that you even end up hurting yourself.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Odd, deja vu. I told Malice the exact same thing not too long ago.

My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve (whatever that means) and I become attached to whatever female would even look my way for more than 3 seconds. I've been deprived of so much female interaction that I become clingy and desperate to keep it alive as long as I can. Oh, what kind of a man am I? As much as I despise the phrase, perhaps I do need to "man up."

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Hmmm, it's been a while since I've written anything in here. I haven't had much time to and I really couldn't think of anything to say.

Anyway, after surviving the onslaught that was my schoolwork this week, I finally have some time to relax; of course, I still have to finish reading The Scarlet Letter and write that paper on it, but I think that should work out alright. I froze myself today outside waiting for "her" for one last time (although I'm surprised I did something like that, so out of character for me). I've tried and done all that I could, but she won't reciprocate, so, finally, I think I've earned the right to say "I'm done." My obsession with her probably stemmed from the fact that I didn't want to lose the only chance at a relationship that I'm going to get. I just wanted to love someone and to be loved, but now, I just feel crushed (I'd feel bad about typing this, but very few people read this, so I can say what I want to:. At least I got some reading of The Titan's Curse in (although I do need to go turn that book in:. Female relationships have been one of the main pains in my side for my entire life, and yet, I can't find it within myself to hate them for that (I might have some hostile feelings, but I'm not sure whose feelings those are. Mine or my personification of my agression?). I can't quit hoping that, someday, someone will like me even though the world continually proves me wrong. Part of me wishes for Weirdy's view on this: to feel no attraction towards anyone. At least then, my mind won't be clouded by emotions and corrupt my judgement. Somehow, I've got to accept the fact that I'm not boyfriend material, so that I can accept that it would be pointless of me to become a boyfriend. Next post should divert away from my romantic life (or lack thereof:.

 

[Silatuyok]

Granted I don't know you in real life, but from what I do know I would never say that you aren't "boyfriend material"...you are a very passionate, considerate, and caring individual, and you have a lot of love to give...those are great things you have going for you! Don't give up because of one silly girl!

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Granted I don't know you in real life, but from what I do know I would never say that you aren't "boyfriend material"...you are a very passionate, considerate, and caring individual, and you have a lot of love to give...those are great things you have going for you! Don't give up because of one silly girl!

I've taken a lot of damage to my heart recently and I think this was the final blow before I cracked. I can't take any more hits or else my emotions will go haywire and "he" might get out.
Being a boyfriend is more than that (or so I think). Having those qualities is great and all, but it doesn't have monetary value. One needs to have money and be able to take care of oneself before one should consider entering a relationship with another. That's what I've been told and I haven't seen anyone prove it wrong. Although, once I typed this out, I thought I sounded like an a**hole, so, if you get that idea, please disregard it. I'm just stating what I believe.

 

[MikeyC]

I've taken a lot of damage to my heart recently and I think this was the final blow before I cracked. I can't take any more hits or else my emotions will go haywire and "he" might get out.

While Sweet Marie is essentially correct, I'm the same. I got my heart broken 3 years ago and I reckon I have never recovered from that. I feel you, bro.

Hopefully your heart is not too damaged and you can resume feelings for another girl who will like you back.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

My self-esteem keeps going down and there's little I can think of that will fix it. I've screwed up far too many times today and now I don't think I have it left in me to get up. This work is killing me, but I have to do it. If I fail here, then my future will be shut off from me; I don't have any talents, so all I'm going to do is flounder about until I die like some roach sprayed with bug spray. A roach..... well, that's a noun that correctly describes me; a pest that just doesn't know when to die. Hated by pretty much every human in existence and killed on the spot; people are afraid of it, but it is more afraid of them. The screw-up, the mistake, these are titles which were bequeathed to me without my consent and, now, they are what I am. I cannot escape them, not unlike a human trying to outrun a tornado; all that will buy them is a few moments of time, if they're not killed by the debris flying about first. Hehe, I think I finally understand the mindset of someone who wants to commit suicide somewhat. To be in such a miserable place and state of mind that you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel; eventually, you begin to believe that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Ensnared by the darkness like that, with no way out, death seems like a pretty good alternative than to be alone like that.

Who am I, people may ask themselves as they see me? Well, here's the answer: I am no one and nothing. The meaning of my existence has been lost to the shadows, never to be found again. My existence is superfluous, unneeded and unwanted. I am told to make my own place in the world; well, how can nothing create something?

 

[Blabla..]

ohh stop it , a pest , no talent ?

You have the talent of putting smiles on other peole's face simply by being there as who you are , would you rather be like most of these confident people out there who live only for themselves , do you think that these poor self centered people are truly happy ?

You might not see it but your presence is all making us better , and this is what is most important , not your work or any mistakes you make , you already are a great person , whatever mistakes you make , it's just part of life , successful or not. Don't let any of this drag you down buddy , you should trust what we say , your friends.

 

[MikeyC]

You might not see it but your presence is all making us better , and this is what is most important

The truth is right here, Deadman. Listen to Blabla.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

ohh stop it , a pest , no talent ?

You have the talent of putting smiles on other peole's face simply by being there as who you are , would you rather be like most of these confident people out there who live only for themselves , do you think that these poor self centered people are truly happy ?

You might not see it but your presence is all making us better , and this is what is most important , not your work or any mistakes you make , you already are a great person , whatever mistakes you make , it's just part of life , successful or not. Don't let any of this drag you down buddy , you should trust what we say , your friends.

I do all of that? But how, when? I can't imagine doing it; I just thought that I was being corny and silly. I hardly thought that my jokes were making people smile, or rather I couldn't believe it were so. My advice is just me copying what others say most of the time (which is my good advice); my bad advice is just me saying what I believe.
My mother was the one who told me that I didn't have any talents. She told me, when she was yelling at me about the condition of my grades, that, if I failed, that I would be working in some restaurant or grocery store because I can't do much else. Hehe, it seems that both my mother and father have said their fair share of hurtful things to me. Can I have someone in my life who won't say cruel things to me?
Hmm, putting smiles on people's faces, huh? Well, thank you for the compliment! But, I'm not sure that talent will be able to get me a paying job. I need skills to be financially secure and I'm not sure if that's a skill that will make it so. If it is, then I'll ride it out and manipulate it.

But, thank you really. I still think that I'm nothing somewhat, but it's more like, "Prove yourself to be something. Until then, you are nothing." Sorry to be posting negative comebacks against what you said blabla; it's just that, right now, I can't see anything positive or worthwhile or important within me. I just hope that I can find something soon.

 

[Feathers]

Yes, you do put smiles on people's faces!!

(They may not write back always, but they smile! )

DON'T believe what mother and father have told you, when it has been negative and not really constructive!!

My parents like to criticise too, then they FORGET about it!!

That's their idea of 'inspiring' people, yikes!!

If they're anything like mine, they think by criticising they will make you go from 'okay-ish' to 'great/brilliant' and then they can brag about you!! (They will, if you accomplish anything, even if they don't say it to your face!!)

You work and you study, what more can someone expect from someone your age??
(If they do, well, probably their expectations may be unrealistic?)
Maybe they want you to help out around the house more too or something? People can be very cranky when in reality they may just be lonely and/or miserable etc.

It's a difficult economic climate and parents/older people may get a tendency to 'freak out'...
My mum told me if I don't get good grades, I'd be working in a wood factory... I did get good grades and later on there were suggestions to go work in the factory anyway!!

Every work is honorable, nothing wrong with working in a restaurant or such either! (You might own one or a few in a few years/decades too?!) (Okay, legs can hurt and you might get varicosis, a friend did, which isn't nice - so maybe studying and passing those exams is better? )

Many people, who were successful later on, had only average, some even below-average grades!!
If you don't have that important other things to do, might as well study? (And then show success, so they won't know what to say?)
hm, could you get a good scholarship/internship if your grades improve?