The Deadman Scrolls

[MikeyC]

I still think that I'm nothing somewhat, but it's more like, "Prove yourself to be something. Until then, you are nothing." Sorry to be posting negative comebacks against what you said blabla; it's just that, right now, I can't see anything positive or worthwhile or important within me. I just hope that I can find something soon.

This kind of negative thinking, I feel, stems from the idea that you are only worth how much money you make. What's the difference between you and Donald Trump? He has more money. But you know what? He still has to wear shoes with shoelaces like the rest of us, his toupee is the worst one imaginable and he will die like everyone else.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that you are something, even when you feel like you're nothing. There are people out there in your life who's existence is improved by the simple fact that you draw breath. To them, you are something, and I'm sure they think more of you than they do of Donald Trump.

Yes, you do put smiles on people's faces!!

(They may not write back always, but they smile! )

See, Deadman. If you don't believe me, believe Feathers!

DON'T believe what mother and father have told you, when it has been negative and not really constructive!!

My parents like to criticise too, then they FORGET about it!!

That's their idea of 'inspiring' people, yikes!!

If they're anything like mine, they think by criticising they will make you go from 'okay-ish' to 'great/brilliant' and then they can brag about you!! (They will, if you accomplish anything, even if they don't say it to your face!!)

This is one of the worst ways to "inspire" anyone.

It's a difficult economic climate and parents/older people may get a tendency to 'freak out'...
My mum told me if I don't get good grades, I'd be working in a wood factory... I did get good grades and later on there were suggestions to go work in the factory anyway!!

Every work is honorable, nothing wrong with working in a restaurant or such either!

I think maybe the older generation worry that there's not going to be enough jobs to support an increasing population and a decreasing job market. They want to make sure you're not the one left behind.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with working the "low end" jobs at all. Having a job has already put you ahead of a lot of people who can't get jobs for whatever reason.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

An excerpt from the life of the Deadman

Well, I've been using this place to whine and lament my life, so, today, I'm going to go a different route and post something positive:

Well, Thanksgiving's over and it could be said that I had somewhat of a good time. I ate, got some anime in, finished reading Blue Exorcist Vol. 2, and I had to help my cousin and aunt understand variables. Somehow, I've become the tutor of my family because, now, my mother's coming to me with math problems::! I'm out of school and I just got dropped back in!

On my way home, my mother and aunt decided that, since I was listening to music, they could talk about whatever! Unfortunately for me, the subject for today was sex. My aunt went into detail about her "escapades" with my uncle-in-law and then the conversation went into sex in the "other hole". I had to remind them that, just because I was listening to music, I couldn't hear them; even after I did, the conversation continued anyway and I heard things that I wish I could forget. The conversation then moved into what I should be doing in the bed, which brought some color to my face::! Oh family, how many times must I tell you that females aren't attracted to me, so you're wasting your breath on me?

Well, anyway, I just got done talking with my friend and he told me that I need some swagger and style in me. I was told that my attire makes me look like I should still be in high school and confirmed that my body posture is making me unapproachable. We're to go to the gym to make me toned (which I don't mind) and that he's going to take me out partying (which I do mind somewhat). He's going to "make me into the person that I need to be". Well, he can try, but no one, not even my family, has accomplished that! I'm like the social Excalibur or something!

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Good grief Charlie Brown! That's just... *shudders*
I know how you feel too. My family (my dad's side specifically) is always bringing up the most ungodly topics of conversation during get-togethers. Worst part for me is that my female cousins know I'm a virgin and that these sorts of topics make me very uncomfortable and embarrassed yet they always find it necessary to interrogate me about my love life (or lack of..) and start lecturing me about how to please a guy when that time finally comes. Ugh.. not the most comfortable thing for a social phobic <__<

But anyhow..... ha! Social Excalibur
My my... your friend sounds like a really persistent guy. Although I wouldn't mind having a workout buddy to help me get toned. Speaking of which, I really need to get some exercise, especially with all that I ate today for Thanksgiving ::

So yeah.. it's good to hear that you at least had a good Thanksgiving

 

[DeadmanWalking]

What do you mean by a lack of a love life Malice? I'm right here, aren't I?

He is, but that's why I love him (but not like that)! Most people try for a while and then quit on the grounds that "I don't care" or words to that effect. He's stuck with me, even though he knows how socially anxious and shy I am. I got lucky, I'll say that much.

But, didn't you have a great Thanksgiving too? Or did you miss me too much to enjoy your Thanksgiving? We'll meet up, one day.

 

[Phoenixx]

Sex talks. Oh boy, those are so much fun to listen to. >.> *overly sarcastic*

It's awkward enough to hear about those "stories" when other people are talking about it, but your family? D: Eesh. No way. Turn the volume up and drown everything out. Honestly I probably would've just been content making my ears bleed with blasting my music instead of listening to that conversation.

Good luck with your transformation! Glad you're actually all for it. I'm not one to go with change right away, especially that persistently. Not that I hate change, because I can like it. I'm just a stubborn person like that, I need to go at my own pace, my own rules. ::

Glad to hear you had a good Thanksgiving.

 

[Aletheia]

What's the difference between you and Donald Trump? He has more money. But you know what? He still has to wear shoes with shoelaces like the rest of us, his toupee is the worst one imaginable and he will die like everyone else.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that you are something, even when you feel like you're nothing. There are people out there in your life who's existence is improved by the simple fact that you draw breath. To them, you are something, and I'm sure they think more of you than they do of Donald Trump.

Awesomeness.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

What do you mean by a lack of a love life Malice? I'm right here, aren't I?

He is, but that's why I love him (but not like that)! Most people try for a while and then quit on the grounds that "I don't care" or words to that effect. He's stuck with me, even though he knows how socially anxious and shy I am. I got lucky, I'll say that much.

But, didn't you have a great Thanksgiving too? Or did you miss me too much to enjoy your Thanksgiving? We'll meet up, one day.

You just keep on dreaming Deadman

Anyway, my Thanksgiving was mediocre at best. My godmother did an excellent job of ruining my mood, as usual.

You wish, and yeah, maybe one day. More like never

 

[DeadmanWalking]

You just keep on dreaming Deadman

Anyway, my Thanksgiving was mediocre at best. My godmother did an excellent job of ruining my mood, as usual.

You wish, and yeah, maybe one day. More like never

You're giving me permission to dream about you? Alright!!!

I saw and I told you my opinion. I have a fair share of as*holes for family members; the way I've learned to deal with them is to avoid them as best I can and, should they ever call me out, they'll learn exactly why I don't get angry.

As long as it isn't 0%, I'll make it happen. With courage and willpower, I'll turn even a .01% to 100&! So, just wait for me, my princess, okay?

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

You're giving me permission to dream about you? Alright!!!

I saw and I told you my opinion. I have a fair share of as*holes for family members; the way I've learned to deal with them is to avoid them as best I can and, should they ever call me out, they'll learn exactly why I don't get angry.

As long as it isn't 0%, I'll make it happen. With courage and willpower, I'll turn even a .01% to 100&! So, just wait for me, my princess, okay?

My face is getting really irritated by all these facepalms I keep giving myself after reading your replies -__-

That's the problem. My mom can't stand my godmother and her family either but she still drags me to family get-togethers to help get me out of the house and have some human contact. Most of the time we don't have to see my godmother but there are those few times that we do since my great aunt is still close to her and they invite them to their get-togethers from time to time and that's when things get heated up for us. So as long as I'm still living with my mom, I'll keep running into my godmother every now and then.

Whatever you say Romeo ::

 

[DeadmanWalking]

My face is getting really irritated by all these facepalms I keep giving myself after reading your replies -__-

That's the problem. My mom can't stand my godmother and her family either but she still drags me to family get-togethers to help get me out of the house and have some human contact. Most of the time we don't have to see my godmother but there are those few times that we do since my great aunt is still close to her and they invite them to their get-togethers from time to time and that's when things get heated up for us. So as long as I'm still living with my mom, I'll keep running into my godmother every now and then.

Whatever you say Romeo ::

Should I kiss it to make it better?

Well then, better practice on your sharp wit. Maybe you could try telling your great aunt about how much of a b*tch she is and that you'd prefer it if the two of you never saw her face ever again.

Alright, my Juliet. And to quote that play:

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun rising!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the jealous moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That you, her maid, are far more beautiful than she is.

 

[MikeyC]

On my way home, my mother and aunt decided that, since I was listening to music, they could talk about whatever! Unfortunately for me, the subject for today was sex. My aunt went into detail about her "escapades" with my uncle-in-law and then the conversation went into sex in the "other hole". I had to remind them that, just because I was listening to music, I couldn't hear them; even after I did, the conversation continued anyway and I heard things that I wish I could forget. The conversation then moved into what I should be doing in the bed, which brought some color to my face::!

Wha--? I would've jumped out the car.

 

[kilojoule]

On my way home, my mother and aunt decided that, since I was listening to music, they could talk about whatever! Unfortunately for me, the subject for today was sex. My aunt went into detail about her "escapades" with my uncle-in-law and then the conversation went into sex in the "other hole". I had to remind them that, just because I was listening to music, I couldn't hear them; even after I did, the conversation continued anyway and I heard things that I wish I could forget. The conversation then moved into what I should be doing in the bed

Bahahahahahaha I think I love your family. That is hillarious.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Moar excerpts!

I have to say, this week has been the best and worst week of my entire life here at college! Recently, my teacher completely forgot my existence, which hurt a fair bit. He was asking the class what was their favorite Thanksgiving food and, to pass the time, I started reading my book like I always do. Usually, he sees me, but, that day, he didn't and I suppose no one cared because no one called him out on it. It would also be true to say that I didn't care enough either since I didn't say anything either. Well, anyway, my teachers have been putting the squeeze on me for a while. Prior to this, my teachers had assigned altogether: 3 papers and 1 presentation, each due back-to-back. Somehow, I juggled it and got it done, except for one paper (which I really need to get to work on::!). The presentation went good (although I had forgotten to mention some things and I kinda froze and trailed off sometimes) and the papers went somewhat well too. I should at least score a B or a C or them. Now, I can finally relax and get some sleep! The only serious thing ahead of me now are the final exams.

My drive back to college wasn't so awkward. My mom and aunt didn't have a sex talk! My roommates got back to the dorm before I did (I guess they watched the game or something). The sink is still dirty though and I refuse to clean up after them. Hopefully, the thing doesn't clog up or something.

Well, today, I had a WTF? moment occur. I was walking to get something to eat for dinner and, while I was walking, one of "Santa's Little Helpers" bicycled her way down the road shouting "Merry Christmas!". My response was to pretend that I never saw anything::! The girl had on an elf costume with wings on the back I think. I'm all for Christmas cheer, but that wouldn't be one of the ways I'd show it. Eh, it takes all kinds, I guess.

In a final report, I've earned the title: Family Tutor! Catch the reference and get a cookie!

 

[MikeyC]

You've certainly got your plate full in regards to college work, mate. Keep at it! You're going great.

 

[Phoenixx]

Talk about busy! College has been keeping me busy too. Glad to hear your presentation went well.

I don't think I've ever seen anything that random on my campus before. XD This college is quite boring, I've noticed.

 

[kilojoule]

Recently, my teacher completely forgot my existence, which hurt a fair bit. He was asking the class what was their favorite Thanksgiving food and, to pass the time, I started reading my book like I always do.

Do you not celebrate Thanksgiving?

My drive back to college wasn't so awkward. My mom and aunt didn't have a sex talk! .

awww...that cracked me up

My roommates got back to the dorm before I did (I guess they watched the game or something). The sink is still dirty though and I refuse to clean up after them. Hopefully, the thing doesn't clog up or something

hahaha this sounds like my house sometimes. We have cleaning standoffs from time to time. We had one really bad one. After a house party about 2 years ago nobody wanted to clean up, there were cans and bottles everywhere. Nobody did anything and eventually I won You have to hold your own when you live with all guys.{How I won: I came into the sitting room with a bag of popcorn and just lay on the sofa like I always do just chatting and then when I finished the popcorn I just casually threw the wrapper on the floor in front of them and pretended it was a normal thing to do, continued my story about whatever it was.} They then went into the kitchen got a bag of crisps/chips and did the same thing. This went on for a couple more hours. A friend of ours who was sitting there just got up and left hahaha and then came back an hour later with boxes for recyling and cleaned the house and the lads felt bad and helped and I went out and had a nice cup of coffee in the garden

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I cried recently. I know what brought it up and now a little bit of it has gone away. My tears were caused by my regrets about something; the reason it has been happening throughout my life is entirely my fault and that's why it was, and still is, frustrating and saddening. But, I finally felt the pain that I've numbed myself to. It's not completely gone, but a burden has been released from my shoulders. Now, I just need to figure out how to do "that". It's scary, more than I'll ever know, but I suppose it's scary because I've never done it before. Partly because I'm that cowardly and partly because of my view of myself (which isn't good). I've been recommended to go back to therapy and I'm thinking I may actually have to go back. I should have been going back from the get-go, but I got procrastinative and my schedule got full (and I'm just plain frugal in college:. I suppose I'll go back someday, just so I can whine about how miserable I am and how I amount to nothing.

But, to end this entry on a good note, I just got back into Countrouble, and I have to say: I hate cliffhangers! It stopped right when the main character's crush all but said "kiss me"! I can't wait for the next chapter; I want to see what they do! The two already kissed once as a reward for him passing his test, but, this time, there're actual feelings behind it. I'm going to read it from start to "finish" all over again because I love the series that much!

 

[Phoenixx]

If you need to cry, go ahead and cry. I hate the fact that for years I kept myself from crying that often because I felt weak doing it. I also didn't like to cry in front of other people (And I still don't). Since keeping myself from crying for years, I find it hard to now when I feel like it. It's awful when you feel like crying, but nothing comes. I feel the pain is much worse and harder to deal with when you don't cry.

Oh, and I say go ahead with the therapy. Did it help you before at all? Even if it didn't, go ahead and give it another shot.

 

[MikeyC]

You should view yourself better, Deadman. You're always so caring and stuff so you're a good guy.

Phoenixx is right - if you need to cry, go ahead. It's way better out than in.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, I'm gone with all of my exams! Now, I can kindly say, "Someone, please plaster this wall with my head.". I had to take two exams today: Music and English (Literature, really). Well, English didn't go so bad; Whitman was easy to talk about, but Dickinson was just vague in her statements. So, I resorted to what I usually do in times when I don't know what to say: I start talking out of my a**! And boy did I! I had some points (I think) in my answers, but, for the most part, I was making things up. My Music exam (which I just finished) was hell on me. I was completely lost (and I most likely would have failed if it weren't for the fact that it was open-book!) and I was hungry! My head and stomach are screaming at me and, now, I have do one last thing. Unfortunately, it requires of me to go knock on someone's door. I did it once, now I have about an hour before I have to go do it again. Well, the only other thing I have to do is clean up. Unfortunately for my parents, I'm only cleaning up my room because that's my mess. Everything else, on the other hand, can be dealt with by someone else and I can push the blame away this time! My room doesn't look that bad; a few minutes and I should be done. Hopefully I didn't bomb that Music exam because, if I did, then that's going to be the first class I've ever failed and my family will never let me hear the end of it! I hate high expectations. I am capable of failure! That doesn't excuse it, but don't act like Armageddon's on its way either!